hosswhispra Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 I used to think that being married would somehow "validate" me in the eyes of the world. I now know different. I can relate to this, Momene. I am coming to another gradual realization that I would take unconditional love over romantic love anyday. Romantic love feels wonderful for a brief time, while unconditional love lasts forever. I want something that lasts forever and I am unsure if anything like that exists here for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 I can relate to this, Momene. I am coming to another gradual realization that I would take unconditional love over romantic love anyday. Romantic love feels wonderful for a brief time, while unconditional love lasts forever. I want something that lasts forever and I am unsure if anything like that exists here for me. Perhaps I was lucky in that my honeymoon phase lasted 15 years (Guinesss Book of Records", anyone???), although the crash when it ended was harder for me than for most people, trigerring another of my mid-life crises. I don't believe that unconditional love even exists for partnerships, would you still love your partner if they cheated on you or were abusive to you or your child? I've come to believe that partnerships all have a "sell by" date. For the lucky ones it comes after the death of the first partner. I think unconditional love only exists between a parent and child but then again, I would stop loving my daughter if she murdered my wife or started World War III (for example). OK, statistically unlikely but possibly nevertheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theantibarbie23 Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 I've come to believe that partnerships all have a "sell by" date. For the lucky ones it comes after the death of the first partner. As a person who's done a lot of volunteer work in retirement homes and what I've seen with my own grandparents, i can tell you that honestly some people NEVER get over their mates, even long after they are gone. I've known people that have gone to their graves, happy, because they were looking forward to be reunited with their spouse. To me, that's true love. I'm sorry that things aren't going that well with your wife at the moment. Have the two of you gone for any MC? It might be worth a shot, after all, the two of you have such a long history together, it would be a shame to throw that away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 As a person who's done a lot of volunteer work in retirement homes and what I've seen with my own grandparents, i can tell you that honestly some people NEVER get over their mates, even long after they are gone. I've known people that have gone to their graves, happy, because they were looking forward to be reunited with their spouse. To me, that's true love. I'm sorry that things aren't going that well with your wife at the moment. Have the two of you gone for any MC? It might be worth a shot, after all, the two of you have such a long history together, it would be a shame to throw that away. Thanks for the thoughts but if things "aren't going well at the moment" they are certainly better than at the low point 2 years ago. The trouble is though that I don't think we'll ever recapture the honeymoon period again. Certain hints I've been picking up even over the last few days is that my wife cares for me and wouldn't like to hurt me but if she's not bored with me personally (and I think she is), she's certainly bored with our life in England and misses her family. Having been through a turbulent time, I have been rethinking my life and I'm not even sure myself now if I want to stay like this "till death us do part". I'm really thinking of making some really radical changes when our daughter grows up and leaves home and I don't think my wife would want to join me. I'm thinking of spending my twilight years working in the developing world. I'm certainly thinking I don't want the responsibility of paying a mortgage. let's face it, many people my age have already paid theirs off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 but have you two gone to counseling? maybe your problems are not insurmountable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 but have you two gone to counseling? maybe your problems are not insurmountable. I've been to counselling for my own issues but my wife comes from a culture where it's frowned upon. In fact, the first set of sessions I went to, I hid from her for that reason! Maybe people may think I'm cynical for saying this BUT I'm not even sure if I regard us splitting up one day as a "problem" any more. Neither would I regard it as a "failed" marriage either, with a 15 year honeymoon and a great daughter. If "saving" the marriage requires too much individual sacrifice for either/both of us, then is it really worth saving? (This applies to anyone, not just us.) As we both love our daughter, we want to maintain a stable home for her but when she grows up, the focus switches back to us. I don't regard a split as inevitable or necessary but I consider it quite likely that we'll be pursuing separate, rather than joint dreams. I think if either of us wanted to follow a path that the other was unwilling to take, it doesn't make us bad people. Although my love for my wife is not as intense as before, I know she's not happy with her life and that staying beyond her child-rearing years and being miserable isn't the future I want for her. I'd rather she was happy without me than miserable with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuhl282000 Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 It's a risk you have to be willing to take if you ever want to experience true love and a soulmate. Love has been a mystery since the beginning of time and that is wht is so wonderful about it. The question is really unsolvable, however I assure you truth, honesty, and you're word of total commitment have allot to do with it. Think good thoughts Kuhl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hosswhispra Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 As we both love our daughter, we want to maintain a stable home for her but when she grows up, the focus switches back to us. I don't regard a split as inevitable or necessary but I consider it quite likely that we'll be pursuing separate, rather than joint dreams. I think if either of us wanted to follow a path that the other was unwilling to take, it doesn't make us bad people. Although my love for my wife is not as intense as before, I know she's not happy with her life and that staying beyond her child-rearing years and being miserable isn't the future I want for her. I'd rather she was happy without me than miserable with me. How old is your daughter, Momene? A psychology teacher of mine once told the class that the happiest times in a couple's life comes before children are born and after they leave home. A researcher (Dorothy Tennov) at the University of Connecticut wrote a book called Love and Limerence. She said that the honeymoon phase has an average lifespan of two years (you said you had it for 15, very fortunate of you!). The next stage of love (after the euphoric honeymoon/obsessive stage) is known as the 'covenant' stage of love. With covenant love, passion must be fed and nurtured. It does not continue to flow simply because you remain in a relationship. This is where illusions of perfection about one another evaporate--and when differences in personality, interests and lifestyles become obvious, when before, you hardly ever saw them. The euphoria that led you to put each other's well-being first has dissipated, and this is when one begins to focus on themselves and realize that one's lover is no longer meeting their needs. This is when each individual in the relationship begins to request and demand of the person, and when he or she refuses to meet your demands, you/or the other individual withdraws (what you say your wife is doing right now, Momene) or lashes out in anger. The anger or withdrawal pushes the lover further away and makes it more difficult for him/her to express love to you. Because of your wife's withdrawal, you're feeling distant from her. Can such a tarnished relationship be reborn? It's possible if the couple comes to understand the nature of love and learns to express love in a language the other person can receive. The honeymoon stage is over. The couple must make a move to the next stage, or the romantic relationship may end. The next stage of love is covenant love. Covenant love is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because your are committed to the other's well being. It is covenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the 50-year-old husband to say about his wife, "I love her more deeply now than the day we married" Momene, I recommend reading a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by author Gary Chapman. For married couples, it provides the insights and practical tools for keeping emotional love alive in a marriage.The premise behind this book is that: learning to speak love and appreciation in a 'language' the other person can receive is the key to enhancing all human relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 My reply got lost but I really relate to what you say. My daughter's 15 and the feeling is lukewarm, rather than passionate or non-existence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hosswhispra Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Momene, I hope you check out the book, it comes in a Man's edition. It might give you some insight. You have a lot of time invested in your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 i don't fear anything about love or commitment at all. *ponders* do you guys think there might be something wrong with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Committment is terribly scary, and usually drives me to infidelity, because I hate the thought that one day I'll become Boring and Routine to someone. I couldn't stand the thought of my boyfriend growing too comfortable with me. As in..seeing me as his Sure Thing, his Steady Girlfriend, etc. Urgh. I'd rather leave a relationship in a whirlwind than let it die like some flower in the rain. I don't want to see that slow death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Committment is terribly scary, and usually drives me to infidelity, because I hate the thought that one day I'll become Boring and Routine to someone. I couldn't stand the thought of my boyfriend growing too comfortable with me. As in..seeing me as his Sure Thing, his Steady Girlfriend, etc. Urgh. I'd rather leave a relationship in a whirlwind than let it die like some flower in the rain. I don't want to see that slow death. Although I can certainly see your point, things change when you have children. I see quite a few people who leave relationships when the spark goes and leave behind a trail of one-parent families. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 I see quite a few people who leave relationships when the spark goes and leave behind a trail of one-parent families.not to take anything away from the many excellent single parents out there, but i happen to believe that a child needs mommy and daddy both, and i could never fall in love with someone who could abandon her kids or prevent them from having meaningful access to their father. likewise, i would never have a deadbeat dad as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 there's nothing wrong with you bentie...you're perfect I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confessoress Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 I find committment scary, but I still do it. The reason being I see it like this, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. I could be heartbroken, yes, but if I didn't try I'd be even more heartbroken, so what choice does one really have? Heartbreak and pain are inevitable in life, to avoid it is to also miss out on being happy too. The two go hand in hand. It just seems everyone wants perfection. There's a quote from a film, Memoirs of a Geisha that goes a little like this: "We must not expect happiness. It is not something we deserve. When life goes well, it is a sudden gift; it cannot last forever... " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 For me it would getting dump, when I would rather be the dumper like I was in my previous fake relation, having less time for friends, and the fact that I have a difficulty expressing feelings and emotions. I would be kinda weird if I was dating Mr. Right and he say the "L" word, that would catch by surprise. Or if I wanted to say it and he doesn't, then I would not say it, instead i would be like "I like hanging with you". I been told "I like you" before, which it's ok, but the real "L" word to some point would kinda freak me out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aschleigh Posted May 29, 2006 Author Share Posted May 29, 2006 Maybe you just get to a point in life where you know if you don't risk anything, you don't gain anything either. Plus it's a great feeling to be free of fear or at least move thru the fear of pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 Maybe you just get to a point in life where you know if you don't risk anything, you don't gain anything either. Plus it's a great feeling to be free of fear or at least move thru the fear of pain. Reminds me of a quote: Those with nothing are prepared to risk it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confessoress Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 Reminds me of a quote: Those with nothing are prepared to risk it all. Indeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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