Men ( women too) What scares you about really being in love and making a committment?

[Aschleigh]

Is it being vulnerable and the potential for rejection?

Is it cutting yourself off from other options for the time being?

Is it the loss of control of your emotions and a bit of your life?

Is it not feeling like you can live up to the expectations of your partner?

What is it that is soo scary about love and/or committment?

[Q10]

breaking other persons heart or getting hurt (gettin my heart broken)

[CluelessGuy321]

I don't have committment issues, but I can imagine that a person is afraid of committing themselves completely to someone only to be let down later. That's a lot of time lost!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

breaking other persons heart or getting hurt (gettin my heart broken)

 

Yeah, both the same for me too. Scary. Also scary to trust people not to get up and leave one day. Don't wanna get too attached. I'm even running away from this thread now before it hurts me

[Aschleigh]

One way to look at it is, that it won't prevent a person from leaving you, or make them stay if you don't allow yourself to really be in love and be committed.

Those 2 things are completely independent of eachother.

If I hold back in my relationship for fear of being hurt, it dampens the quality of the relationship. It doesn't effect the longevity at all.

Someone could die or meet someone else or you could get an awesome job in Europe and move, anything could happen, outside forces wise.

Who knows what will happen?

Why not give yourself totally to the feelings right now?

Pain will certainly come in the future, no matter what you do.

[Arrowsmith]

Aschleigh, I'm not sure if I could have come up with a better list than you did (not that I'm an expert on commitmentphobia, but I am a 35 year old single guy...)

 

I'm sure that different people have different reasons for not wanting to make a commitment, but I think your reasons (2) and (3) are big ones for me.

 

I haven't yet felt that committing to someone would make me happier than not committing to someone. I worry that if I ever become committed (i.e. get married) I'll be essentially saying "OK, now , I'll buy you a really expensive diamond ring and in exchange you can tell me what to do and get disappointed if I don't do those things. And if I want to break up with you because someone better comes along I won't do it."

 

I'm just not sure what I get out of this arrangement other than the possibility of children (a draw for me), sex and emotional support and companionship (can get from a gf).

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

One way to look at it is, that it won't prevent a person from leaving you, or make them stay if you don't allow yourself to really be in love and be committed.

Those 2 things are completely independent of eachother.

If I hold back in my relationship for fear of being hurt, it dampens the quality of the relationship. It doesn't effect the longevity at all.

Someone could die or meet someone else or you could get an awesome job in Europe and move, anything could happen, outside forces wise.

Who knows what will happen?

Why not give yourself totally to the feelings right now?

Pain will certainly come in the future, no matter what you do.

 

Logically what you say is very true, and you are right!

 

But... my dad left in the middle of the night, when I was not yet 8 years old. He was my main man. I thought the world revolved right around him, and the sun rose and fell right at his feet. I never, never, heard from him, or saw him again.

 

Then one day I fell in love and I was crushed more than I would have ever imagined possible. (Not saying I was the 'victim' or anything, just saying it was hard to get over it.)

 

Then later, a guy I cared about a lot and respected was murdered outright.

 

And... I moved maybe 35 + times by the time I was in my upper teens!

 

So I don't know, I know a lot of people have had a lot of comparable problems. I do the best I can. If I could trust better I would, it's just very scary to get attached to anyone.

[OceanEyes]

For me, the biggest fear that I have with commitment is trusting someone completely, and then getting let down later on. I still put myself out there, but it doesn't mean that I don't get scared every once in a while.

 

Engagement and marriage don't necessarily scare me, but I don't find either "step" particularly appealing. In this day in age, and with all of the bad marriages that I see, I really don't want to have to go through a lawyer to pack up my belongings and end a relationship. Living together is a pretty big commitment in itself.

[xprincessbugx]

It's hard to put all your time and effort into something and then realize that it's not going to work out. Your putting everything you have into a relationship and trying to make it work and it hurts when it ends.

[Aschleigh]

I totally understand, my Dad left when I was 4, I was devistated. My mom is less then reliable. It's so hard to trust, when your parents are untrustworthy.

 

What I've come to believe is that I have to trust myself . I have to trust myself enough to love fully and then if it ends I will be OK. That I can be totally in love and yet not be dependent on him for my health or happiness.

I am working on it. It's a work in progress. I have a guy now that if he left me it would be terrible . No doubt. But I would eventually move on and in better shape than when I met him.

But it's a choice to let our histories dictate our futures or not.

I feel empowered when I decide to Love and trust. I feel like my past is ruling me when I live in fear of being abandoned.

 

I talked to a guy who was married and getting a divorce, and he was pretty smart. He said getting married was about being in the moment committed to this person and loving them fully . No one knows the future, he obvisously got divorced eventually. But he was glad he got married in the first place. He wouldn't have had that experience with his wife if he hadn't gotten married at all.

 

Not to say that marriage is the answer or committment. But certainly making decisions out of fear and avoidance of pain is NOT the answer either.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I hear you Aschleigh, I do. And I understand all that. I would have to say that I have been accused of living my life without abandon a bit too much at times. And I do. I just don't think about it much. But then sometimes this weird primal fear takes over. You know about that. Its rough.

[Q10]

Seems like the main reason behind is that everyone has a story that has effected them in one way or another, like your dads leaving, which is a tragic event that effects your current relationships, or losing the one you love. On the other hand I'm afraid of just going cold.. Like, I might love the person but I feel like after a while I'll just get bored, and then what am I gonna say to the other person? I can't give a logical reason to my partner.. She will get hurt obviously, so I don't want to break anyones heart.. I have no idea why I think I'd get bored in the first place though..

[Slacker]

I've always considered engaging in a relationship an exercise in overcoming fear.

 

I've got a very unwanted track record of letting down those i love,

i think that more than anything is "what scares me most"

[Aschleigh]

How did you let them down?

Is it possible that they set up expectations in the relationship that you didn't live up to? And so it was partly ( mainly) their responsibility for being let down?

[Jorus Cbaoth]

All of your questions are good. For me, it's something I found out later on. Marriage is a full time job. It's hard work. I knew the honeymoon stage would pass, but I didn't expect it to hit so hard and so soon. We went through a lot of turmoil in the second year, but we're back on track now.

[Momene]

If anything, I'm the opposite of a commitmentphobe and have more of a tendency to jump in too quickly and ignore the red flags. Some of it in my early life was a fear of being left on the shelf.

 

On the other hand, I don't think living your life in fear is a good idea either.

 

As my life is over half gone I more regret the things I didn't do than the things I did, and I did some real stupid things at times.

[Slacker]

How did you let them down?

Actually, im just really bad at keeping appontments

and being on time, for anything, and as my name

suggests, i don't put much effort into.... well, anything.

[Momene]

Actually, im just really bad at keeping appontments

and being on time, for anything, and as my name

suggests, i don't put much effort into.... well, anything.

 

I don't want to diss you but I'm afraid that sort of behaviour would drive most people away. You need to find someone as laid back as you are.

[hosswhispra]

I think that we're socialized to have romantic love/marriage. Lately, I have come to the realization that marriage is not for everyone; romantic relationships are not for everyone. I've been single my entire life and could probably live my entire life without any type of romantic relationship. It's not that I would not welcome the chance for one--because I would. I've just become used to my singleness. If I were to marry, that person would have to be really right for me.

[annie24]

I was discussing something like this with a lady I know. She's been married for 25 years now. She said, unequivocally, that she and her husband are NOT the people they were when they first got married. She said, luckily, they evolved together and things have worked out. She says she feels like she's married to a totally different guy than the one she married 25 years ago.

 

It's true - people change so much over time, and you don't know what you or your partner will be like in 5, 10, or 15 years.

[Momene]

I think that we're socialized to have romantic love/marriage. Lately, I have come to the realization that marriage is not for everyone; romantic relationships are not for everyone. I've been single my entire life and could probably live my entire life without any type of romantic relationship. It's not that I would not welcome the chance for one--because I would. I've just become used to my singleness. If I were to marry, that person would have to be really right for me.

 

I used to think that being married would somehow "validate" me in the eyes of the world. I now know different.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I worry about the person I love because above all else I care about them so much that I would never want to hurt them.

[Momene]

I was discussing something like this with a lady I know. She's been married for 25 years now. She said, unequivocally, that she and her husband are NOT the people they were when they first got married. She said, luckily, they evolved together and things have worked out. She says she feels like she's married to a totally different guy than the one she married 25 years ago.

 

It's true - people change so much over time, and you don't know what you or your partner will be like in 5, 10, or 15 years.

 

I can relate to that very much. I've been married 17 years and hit a low point about 2 years ago from which we've not fully recovered. Even if neither of you change, the world around you changes and things outside the marriage like jobs and extended family can all conspire to put pressure on you.

 

It's also true that over the first 15 years we would drift apart a bit (but not too much) and then back together again.

 

I cannot honestly say whether we'll reach our silver wedding or not. What I'm really sad to admit is that, although things are better now than 2 years ago, I don't even bother so much about it.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Thinking thats it's all too good to be true and then having your heart broken at the end of it

[Momene]

... I'd like to add that if/when my marriage ends, it is unlikely (although not impossible) that I will have another relationship. This isn't because I'm afraid of commitment as such. Firstly, being in my 50s, I don't want to have more children. Secondly, although I'm prepared to accept certain restrictions while my marriage lasts, I won't afterwards.

 

My main aim in life now is to be there to guide my daughter to growing up. After that, I have severe doubts as to whether I wish to continue to pay a mortgage or even work a regular full-time job. Such things would not appeal to many potential partners.