can someone explain this?

[shorty20]

I'm having a really hard time moving on. I don't understand this at all. I'm sure alot of you read my threads, I went to Cali and met an amazing guy. The next 2 months were filled with phone calls, flying back and forth to see each other and the excitment of meeting someone so amazing... and then the ball dropped. He flew home in April, and I've talked to him twice since then. He won't give me closure, won't call me, won't anything. I've tried to just move on, forget about him... I know even if he came back now I would't want him but for some reason I can't get myself to just move forward. I find myself still thinking about him at night and all that we shared... every time I clean my room I run accross pictures of us and just remember how happy we were... and then I just want to know what happened and why it ended the way it did! I don't understand why a two month "fling" is getting to me so much and why I can't just pick up and move on. I've never had this problem before. I've tried to be with other people, I've been out on dates, I'm currently "talking" to an ex but we're not together or anything. Just hanging out... but I'm afraid if we ever get to the point where we want to progress in the relationship I'll still be stuck on this guy! He knows I have issues now and thats why we're just friends, but I just want to get over this and put it all behind me! It's been over a month now. I'm still happy, don't cry over him anymore, but sometimes he just pops in my head and I just remember how happy we were... and I just get really angry at how he couldn't even give me the respect to call and tell me what was going on... how after all we had, after all of the flying and money spent, not to mention promises of future and all of that was made, he couldn't just pick up the phone for 5 minutes... HELP! I need to get over this!

[kellbell]

Hey Shorty,

 

Lack of closure. I believe that is why you are having a hard time with this. It can drive a person koo-koo. The best you can do is try to get in the frame of mind things were not meant to be, you did your best and it is his loss. You do have the power to let go of this, you have to change your perspective is all. This will not happen over night but just get in the habit of telling yourself you did everything you could and that it is his loss not yours. Take care.

[chai714]

Put all the memoribilia in a box and place it somewhere very inconvenient place for you to access (such as a storage, in your closet, under your bed in the very middle, or elsewhere.

 

Mourn, go through the emotions that a loss entails, then change up some routines in your life that signify change. For example, I often recommend beginning to work out or changing up your current workout routine when one encounters heartbreak. Don't look to another person to fill the void left; rather let time do its job and take good care of yourself by participating in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Also, you might find that keeping a journal helps let you put your emotions on paper and in doing so can somewhat "rid" some negative feelings you're having. Good luck.

[permasmile]

I agree ith KellBell. It is tough when things go from great to nothing so quickly. Fortunately, it was an intense and shortlived fling. The excitement gave you a rush. However, the short timeframe will make it easier to get over. Take care and make sure to do things you enjoy.

[ElektraHere]

Shorty,

 

I am in your same situation right now. We started talking online, then the phone, and then he came out to my state. We were building a great friendship that is until I developed feelings for him. Anyways it has now been 2 months since I have actually talked to him. He is avoiding my calls, my emails, my PM's, anything and everything.

 

You will have your strong days as well as the day like your having now. The days like this one seem to get shorter and less frequent. I do wish for closure also. At least with a death that is the closure but when a person you care about suddenly stops all communication thats when the closure is harder to get. I do think putting any memorbilia away so as not to upset you when you are having a good day.

 

Not sure if working out is your thing, I know its not mine but I am improving myself and filling up the holes in my heart with things that I love and want to do.

[Scout]

Shorty, have you emailed or called him yourself to ask what happened?

[shorty20]

yep. I posted alot of threads when going through the whole thing. He left on April 16th and was having his wisdome teeth removed on the 18th. He didn't call to tell me his plane got in safe or anything. I called him the next day, and we fought about his phone bill (it was over $240 but we didn't talk on the phone that much) and then I didn't hear from him for a week. He called a week later, and we talked for about 5 min. like nothing had changed... nothing since then. I did write him a really lengthy email saying I just wanted closure, didn't know what happened. I explained a few things about myself in the email (things that he didn't know about me) and also sent him lyrics to a song. He read it but never wrote back. I think a big problem was that we didn't have sex as much as he may have liked to. In the email I explained that I do have some issues that I'm still working through with that... explained a little more why I have the issues... was just trying to get him to understand. I made reference to a couple of really good memories that we have together in hopes of sparking something inside of him to get him to remember why we were trying to be together in the first place... nothing. I called him maybe a total of about 3 times over the next two weeks, and sent maybe 2 text messages but got nothing back... I try to surround myself with friends and get myself out so I'm not just depressed all the time... but for some reason all I want to do is drink! I hate it... I've been trying so hard not to drink so much, and have come so far but latley thats all I want to do... get drunk and forget about all of this and forget about him...

[PlayBrat]

Shorty I know how you feel. Not getting answers to your questions is the worst kind of dumping you can get..it's cruel and heartless in my opinion. This happened to me as well, and I STILL kick myself for thinking about him....but damn it hurts. I also resorted to drinking a lot, but all that did was hurt me...and make me do stupid things...like email him repeatedly asking for closure..then getting accusatory and mean...but the truth is he could have made it easier by just being honest.

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better. Just more time...and I would suggest attending a few AA meetings. I have and learned it was MUCH more than just drinking I had issues with.

[shorty20]

but it's not like I have a problem where I can't stop drinking. I have enough will-power and common sense to not let myself get into all that. As soon as it got to where I was drinking 4-5 nights a week I just realized one day what I was becoming and I stopped. I still want to, still crave the feeling of being drunk and not caring about a thing, but I won't let myself. I haven't contacted him excessively... I sent him that email about month ago and haven't tried to contact him since. It was an email that I wrote to try to get closure for myself, but obviously that didn't work... this really sucks.

[Scout]

Shorty, I agree with PlayBrat. That kind of abrupt break-up is really cold and it's also cowardly. I know you think he's your soulmate, but a soulmate would never want to cause you such pain and confusion.

 

As for the drinking...I understand the desire to do it right now, because it does sort of temporarily blunt the pain. The only thing is that alcohol is a depressant, so after the initial high wears off, it's going to make you feel so much worse about your situation. I'm sure you've already had a morning or two after that proves this point. That feeling of waking up the next day feeling so hopeless and sad could be alleviated quite a bit if you'd put a stop to the drinking for now, at least until you're over the worst of this.

 

You have my sincere sympathy that you're going through this, but I honestly believe in my heart that you deserve better than someone who would take such a cowardly approach to dealing with his feelings/whatever changed his mind. Try to keep that thought in front of you, so you don't put him on too high of a pedestal.

[annie24]

shorty .... *sigh* ((((HUGS))))

 

I am sorry that he wasn't mature enough to pick up the phone and give you the closure you need. I guess you have to find it on your own. I agree with Chai - box up all the item, and either toss them, or put them in the back of some closet.

 

Like kellbell said, just know that this relationship wasn't meant to be.... because he's a colossal bonehead. *sigh* I don't know why he did the 180, but I guess he did, and it's really too bad he's not man enough to tell you what changed.

 

Know that this has nothing to do with you, all to do with him.

 

You'll be ok. Give yourself the closure.

[annie24]

I agree with scout. Your soulmate would NEVER do this to you. He would at least call or send a text message saying why it was over!

[shorty20]

I don't think he's my soulmate at all. I don't even want to be with him anymore.... thats why I'm so so confused as to why it's getting me so down and why I can only seem to remember the good times... I get sad when I think about him but I don't want him back... I know we're not meant to be together, but for some reason I can't get myself to try with anyone else... I just don't feel it anymore. And the whole issue with having sex makes things worse because I feel if I gave in and had sex as much as he wanted despite my issues that he may have stuck around... he probably thought I wasn't into him or somehting... I dunno.... I'm filled with what if's...

[annie24]

no, don't beat yourself up.

 

like the others said, you probably feel bad because things were going so well, and then BAM! out of nowhere it's over.

 

that is a very disconcerting feeling. I understand what you mean. it makes you question your own judgement and make you wonder if you missed some warning signals. you want to go back over all your actions and figure out what you did wrong.

 

honey, no. sex wasn't part of it. don't worry.

 

maybe the relationship was taking too much of a financial toll on him, and instead of trying to work it out, or just tell you that, because he would sound cheap, he decided just to call it quits and not tell you.

 

I don't know, that's my guess.

 

either way, doesn't really matter.

 

I think you should maybe sit and write a journal for yourself. maybe what you will do differently in the future.

[kellbell]

Shorty,

 

Perhaps you are in love with what COULD HAVE been with this guy and not it actually was. I have done that to myself in the past and it got me no where. It made me feel stuck. So, I feel the lack of closure and what could have been is making you feel this way. Recongize the situation for what it is and know he screwed up. You did all you could.

[Scout]

Hon, no matter the reason for his decision, he NEVER gave you the opportunity to work through it. He simply shut down and disappeared, which is simply mean and immature. It's not your fault! In fact, you have proven to be someone who believes in communicating and working through things. But if the other party isn't like that, then you're wasting your time trying.

 

I commend you for having the courage to ask him where things stood and what happened. I am sorry it did not result in the answer you deserve, but I do hope you won't make another attempt now that you see this is not the guy for you. That's the first step in getting over him, and with time, you will.

 

Sometimes, people just inexplicably reject us, and it does hurt - a lot! Especially when we've really gotten our hopes up, because they crash down that much harder.

 

How to prevent that in the future is to just hold your judgement back a little longer and let their actions really prove their sincerity. I know it's tempting to throw caution to the wind and get caught up in the excitement and promise of a new relationship, but it's really better if we keep some judgements in check until the new person does indeed prove to have sincerity, character, and staying power. I've learned the hard way - trust me on this - that it takes longer than two months to know one way or the other, especially in a long distance relationship.

[shorty20]

thanks for all of the encouraging replies guys. It sucks that I feel this way and don't even want to be with him! lol... i feel pathetic that after a month I'm still not over this 2 month fling I had with someone that lived 1,500 miles away! I don't think it was a financial issue. He was tight with his money but had lots of it. He didn't spend that much either, just one plane ticket to see me.... I spent way more money than he ever did, and I'm alot more broke than he is, lol... i guess being together was just more important to me than it was to him. But thanks guys... I just hope this dosen't last much longer because I'm going crazy!

[annie24]

I do agree with scout. I know that this was a real "whirlwind" relationship. Sometimes they work out. My parents dated for 6 weeks before they got married and they were happily married until he died.

 

but.... I have my personal mantra now "you don't really know someone until you've known them for 4 months." that is just my opinion, from my real life experience, from my friends, and those from enotalone. Like scout said, in the future, don't fall too quickly.

 

you'll be ok. (HUGS) whirlwind relationships with hot men thousands of miles away are just a fun part of life, and painful when it's over. We've ALL been there. i know I sure have!

[Scout]

shorty, I've had a brief fling before that took me a long time to get over. Not saying what you had with your guy was a fling, of course. But I thought this guy really liked me, and I got things all built up in my mind, and I was shocked when he callously dumped me by just simply ceasing all calls.

 

It's never a pleasant experience, and it does take some time to stop obsessing over it. But you will. One day, you'll just be tired of feeling like crap over it, shrug philosophically over the whole matter, and move on.

[shorty20]

thanks so much guys, it really does help to talk. I don't really feel like I can talk about it with my friends because they'll just think I"m retarded for still being hung up on this whole situation.

[annie24]

ah. that is what anonymous internet friends are for

[Scout]

Yeah, when I was upset over that guy dumping me, my mom refused to hear anymore about it after just two conversations! And a good friend of mine was also going through a similar experience and only wanted to talk about her pain. It was very frustrating.

 

I remember blaming myself at first, too, now that I look back. I was thinking maybe i did this, or maybe i did that...months later, I can clearly look back and realize no definitive event happened, the guy just for some reason decided he didn't want to pursue things with me, but was too cowardly to have the decency to just come out and say so and explain why. Since that behavior jarred so much with my original opinion of him, it was hard to figure out and deal with.

[shorty20]

sounds like you went through exactly what I did Scout. He was so amazing to start off... catered to my every need and showed me his "sweet" side... a side that didn't last any longer than two months I guess, lol... thanks again guys, I love anonymous internet friends, lol..

[kellbell]

You're welcome Shorty, anytime.