Emotional Band-Aid

[renaissancewoman101]

Why is it that I always end up being some type of emotional band-aid for my friends? I am never the girl good enough to date or have a relationship with, but the girl good enough to go and confide in, confess to, ask for emotional help. I dont mind helping people out, like my best friend, but why does God curse me this way. My best friend, although he has a very controlling and abusive bf, has met someone from work and fallen head over heels infatuation with this guy. This guy is his intern for God's sake. My best friend will be writing his review to see if he gets hired at the company and my best friend is going gaga over him. So, guess who my best friend turns to for advice and someone to confide in, ME!!!! And, I have to watch him fall in love, ask for advice, tell me that he wants to hang out with him, ask me why this guy acts this way and that towards him. My best friend is acting like a love sick puppy and he is asking me (his friend that still has feelings for him) for guidance and help.

 

I love my best friend and I would do anything for him, but this opens up stuff in me that hurts. For years, I have wanted my best friend to fall in love with me like that. I know it cant happen. He is GAY for freaking sake, but we have been good friends for so long. I have never seen him be this way, not even for his current, long-term bf.

 

What is it about me that makes me end up being the emotional confessional for my friends, guys and girls??? This has happened to me so many times in the past, my female friends come and confide in me about the guy problems and ask for help and advice, and I have had some guy friends come and ask me for help and advice too, mostly bfs of some of my college friends.

 

What is it about me that says "hey, I am good enough to be your confidant and advice giver, but not good enough to date or have a relationship with?"

[LostInMyThoughts]

RW: *HUGS*

 

Look at it a different way; you're friends are so comfortable with who you are, they come to you for advice and help. That says A LOT about your character!

 

I know it can't be easy having unrequited feelings for a friend, so maybe you can pull away for a bit to let your feelings settle down.

 

Maybe you're a care-taker--someone who puts the needs of others over her own needs. If you are spending more time helping other people with thier problems, while not working through your own, then maybe you might want to take time for yourself. How about trying to confide in one of your girlfriends for a change?

[ElektraHere]

RW ~

 

Remember when you asked if you were Co-dep? These are signs of a co-dep person. Taking on others problems;you may not think you are consciencly doing so but its a habit for you. They know you and they know you will not say "No" or "Sorry I just can't take this on right now."

It's being there for friends and family but also being able to draw the line on some things and walk away. You need to have the inner strength and courage to do so.

[Scout]

RW, I get the impression you feel this is an issue that has been put on you, rather than the other way around. At some point, you really will have to face that you allow your needs and desires to be put on a less important level than your friends - if you seriously want to change things, that is.

[RayKay]

I agree with the others RW, you have to set limits for yourself, and learn to sometimes say "no" when you can't take on the burdens of others.

 

A big thing that stuck out for me is how you still wish your ex would fall for you like that, despite having broken up a while ago, and despite him also being gay! It concerns me that you sacrifice a lot of yourself for him with a subconscious hope one day he will just change his mind. At the same time, you resent the fact that you are in this role, that you put yourself into.

 

You know, there are a lot of people whom confide in me too, but I don't see it as not being good enough for more, it just means we aren't a match. My boyfriend and I confide in each other a great deal but we ARE a romantic match. They are not exclusive of one another.

 

How about sometimes going to friends and saying YOU need some help, advice and a good ear? It's great to be trusted as a confidante, but remember you need to set some boundaries, and turn to others for support yourself sometimes.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - i agree.

 

First, I don't think you're cursed, unless being too nice and too caring is a curse.

 

Sounds to me like its time to put some of that caring energy toward yourself for a bit and not others so much....

 

-T

[Beyondthesea]

You don't have to always be the perfect friend. Saying no is perfectly acceptable you know!

[renaissancewoman101]

LostInMyThoughts, I have always been a "caretaker" type of person, ever since I was little. It was my way of seeing myself as being accepted and wanted by people. I always was afraid of people not accepting me (because my mom never accepted me for being the height I am) and rejecting me, so I went out of my way to be kind and nice to people and be there for people, so I could feel accepted and be part of a crowd. In return, I sacrificed my own needs and feelings. I have a hard time telling people that I need help and that I need someone to be there for me. It isnt easy for me to ask for that from people because I am so afraid that people will not be there for me if I need them so I just sacrifice my own emotional well-being so I can, at least, have the illusion that I am a necessary part of someone's life.

 

RayKay, Scout, and EH, I have a hard time setting limits. I am so afraid of being rejected by people if I set limits on what I can handle and what I cant. Rejection has always been one of my demons. I am the type of person if I feel rejected by even the most insignificant of people, it will bother me to no end and ruin me for a while. That is one reason why I dont go out and date. Rejection frightens me and makes me cling to things that I know are safe, like my best friend. I dated my best friend for many years and when he came out of the closet to me, he never abandoned me, he still stayed very close friends with me, but he went and found a new bf and he depended on me for emotional support as he went and dated this guy. Even when the bf wanted him to dump me, my best friend stood up to him and refused to get rid of me. I have always been his confidante and side-kick, but I still have feelings for him and he has told me that he will always stay my friend and keep me in his life.

 

How do people get over their fears of rejection and abandonment?

[ElektraHere]

The irony is you dont want to be rejected but in the end you really are. You are left with the feeling of rejection. Does that makes sense? Take your friend you are there for him always. You pick up the pieces of his life every time he breaks. Then you have feelings for him and you know very well they will never be reciprocated. Then what are you left with???? Rejection.

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, yes my best friend does reject me in that relationship way, but he and I are still good friends and he still keeps me in his life in some way, shape or form. It is not an easy life.

 

How do people get over their fear of rejection and how do people deal with rejection or abandonment? It is something that I have a hard time dealing with and it has prevented me from moving on with my life in many ways.

[RobHotti]

EH, yes my best friend does reject me in that relationship way, but he and I are still good friends and he still keeps me in his life in some way, shape or form. It is not an easy life.

 

How do people get over their fear of rejection and how do people deal with rejection or abandonment? It is something that I have a hard time dealing with and it has prevented me from moving on with my life in many ways.

 

I feel for you girl.

 

My last relatioship ended up in my girl crying. She was like sick and stuff. She said I didn't listen to her...but sometimes I really wish I could reach girls better, ya know.

 

I feel fo ya

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - this is not an "official" answer, but maybe the answer is being OK with yourself BY yourself.

 

Rejection as you call it, could really just be not getting along. Be OK with that.

 

If someone says, "I don't want you," look at it like its their loss. You HAVE to see it that way in order to feel it that way.

 

You're OK alone. You're OK with someone. You're also good with someone who is good for you and who you are good for. But no less OK when someone decides your not for them. Right?

[LostInMyThoughts]

How do people get over their fear of rejection and how do people deal with rejection or abandonment? It is something that I have a hard time dealing with and it has prevented me from moving on with my life in many ways.

 

I wonder if your fear of rejection stems from having your mother reject you. I think seeing a professional counselor might help you get over the trauma from your childhood, along with help you work through your issues with abandonment.

 

Rejection is not easy. We can't help but take it personally. It hurts, it's infuriating, and it sucks.

 

But its a part of life. We can't always win. Sometimes it seems like we never win, but the truth is, not winning isn't the same as losing. Giving up, and saying "I quit." That's losing.

 

It's hard to meet people, and when you meet someone you might have a connection with, it's really hit or miss if it works out.

 

Its like when you interview for a job, and you feel like you nailed the interview, and you're a good fit, but you don't get hired. It's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you; just that things didn't work out.

 

When I get rejected, I take some time to sulk, and feel sad, angry, or w/e, then I give myself a pep-talk reminding myself that its not something wrong with me, and honestly it's their loss for not going forward with things.