Backstroke03 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 You've slept with, what is the answer they are looking for.(I realize the honest answer that's not what I'm getting at) I've been asked a few times while dating, and I have no reason to lie, and don't. But I'm sure when this question is asked the person has a number in their minds they are looking to hear, wondering what the ballpark would be on that. I've been told my number was too low, too high, and what they'd expect. Guess it's a matter of preference, just wondering what the consensus is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueWolf Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I don't see what the reason to lie is. It's not like you're trying to please anyone. And if you are, you shouldn't be lying about it. That's what I think, anyway. I might be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backstroke03 Posted May 20, 2006 Author Share Posted May 20, 2006 I never said to lie -- I just wonder what people think is an acceptable answer. Obviously if I said 30 or said 5 you'd have different reactions. I don't lie about my number, I'm confident in it, but still am curious as to what people would view as a "good" number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueWolf Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 You're right that it probably depends on the person. Some might not even think it's a big deal, or that the whole matter matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 For me, 5 would be my limit, higher than that I'd have serious issues as to whether I was just a notch in the bed post and I wouldn't sleep with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I think it's a loaded question. I'd need to know why they were after that information. If they want to know about health status, there are more direct ways to find out. You could have one previous partner and have an STD. You could also have 50 previous partners and be healthy. If they want to know if you've engaged in casual sex, again, there are more direct ways to find out. It's the kind of question that puts the other person on the defensive, and the kind of question that may not get an honest answer because of that. Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me. I think you'd be better off to steer the discussion towards the issues they're really trying to find out about and having an honest talk about those instead of attempting to short-hand that talk with a number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GettingOverIt Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I agree with s2s... You need to find out WHY this person wants to know... I mean, even if you were with one person, who's to say you didn't have sex 900 times? Does that matter? If it does, WHY does it matter? Get them to answer that question and then you can begin to address the real issue at heart... If the fear is the 'notch in the bedpost,' then you do what you can to assure them they are not that (assuming they are not)... I would be curious as to why anyone would say, "too low..." What the blankety-blank is THAT supposed to mean??? Anyway, I digress... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backstroke03 Posted May 20, 2006 Author Share Posted May 20, 2006 I agree with s2s... You need to find out WHY this person wants to know... I mean, even if you were with one person, who's to say you didn't have sex 900 times? Does that matter? If it does, WHY does it matter? Get them to answer that question and then you can begin to address the real issue at heart... If the fear is the 'notch in the bedpost,' then you do what you can to assure them they are not that (assuming they are not)... I would be curious as to why anyone would say, "too low..." What the blankety-blank is THAT supposed to mean??? Anyway, I digress... Thanks for the responses, you all have the same thought process as I do. As for the too low issue, that's what prompted this question. She asked, I was honest, and she said she had me "beat by a few digits" and laughed. Then said she didn't think I was experienced enough to hang with her. Very happy she asked, cause right then and there I knew she wasn't the person for me. Kinda a cavalier attitude about it, which is fine to have it's her life, just not for me. Not sure what you mean about the 900 times with the same person point -- I was in a relationship for four years, committed, and honestly have no idea who many times we actually had intercourse. Still count that as one partner, even though our bond obviously ran deep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkey1 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I asked my boyfriend because I'd like to know for health reasons. Honestly, true, you could sleep have just one person hundred of times, but at least you'd then know who you contracted an STD from. Of course the risk of contracting STDs is higher the more partners you've had and there are not always symptoms for STDs. My boyfriend was defensive when I asked about it and i'm not 100% if the number he told me was his REAL number. He did say though they were all women he was in relationships with, no one night stands or anything. I just would like to know how sexually active my partner is just so that I'm aware of the possibilities of contracting an STD, even though he says he's never had one. And mind you, not everyone practices safe sex, even if they have not contracted any disease. I mean come on, HIV and AIDS can show up years later after you've had sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I also agree with s2s, it is a loaded question. At the same time if they are asking such a personel question they better be prepared to deal with the answer. I think it is, in a way, a valid question if you are seriously considering dating/marrying that person and have standards you have set as far as that is concerned. Do you think that a high number could mean that that person either didn't have morals or maybe they just like variety? I don't know.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkey1 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Do you think that a high number could mean that that person either didn't have morals or maybe they just like variety? I don't know.. I think that would depend. If they slept around a lot with various poeple, as in one night stands, i'd be a bit weary. OR if they've have had serveral serious relationships with maybe a few flings here and there, I wouldn't totally judge them. plus your opinion of sex would also determine what you think. assuming you're asking this question to someone you've been in a commmited relationship for a long time who you trust and you can talk with openly, it shouldn't matter much what they did in the past or how many people they slept with because they're with you now. People mess up and hopefully they learn and have better ideas on what they want out of their relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I think that would depend. If they slept around a lot with various poeple, as in one night stands, i'd be a bit weary. OR if they've have had serveral serious relationships with maybe a few flings here and there, I wouldn't totally judge them. plus your opinion of sex would also determine what you think. assuming you're asking this question to someone you've been in a commmited relationship for a long time who you trust and you can talk with openly, it shouldn't matter much what they did in the past or how many people they slept with because they're with you now. People mess up and hopefully they learn and have better ideas on what they want out of their relationships. Very true! This has never bothered me. I don't care how many he had before me it's in the past. What would concern me is if he is STD free and he is so I don't think of the numbers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MacGyverRI Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Obviously if I said 30 or said 5 you'd have different reactions. It really depends on your age. 30 partners and you're 25 yrs old? that would avg. to more than 3+ per yr., 30 and you're in your 50's? that's less than 1 per yr Which would be safer? The less experienced the person, the greater the risk since they usually don't understand symptoms or won't get checked out for STD's due to the "I'm low risk, It can't happen to me" mentality. These are the higher risk people according to the many Dr's and RN's in my circle of friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkey1 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 The less experienced the person, the greater the risk since they usually don't understand symptoms or won't get checked out for STD's due to the "I'm low risk, It can't happen to me" mentality. These are the higher risk people according to the many Dr's and RN's in my circle of friends. I'm inexperienced and my boyfriend who is almost 40 said he's had now 11 partners. Whether that's true or not, it doesn't matter. When I went to the doctor last month for a check up, I had them do several STD tests, even the HIV test and stuff which I've never had. Luckily I came out clean, but I know that since we haven't had sex in er, 2 years, I never know when any symptoms may show up. And I do check to see that there's nothing "funny" going on with my body on a daily basis. Because I do know that "it CAN happen to me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
locolady Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 hehe its "the" questions for some people and despite people here saying it doesnt or shouldnt matter, for others it simply does. I think youve got to go with your instincts on this one...its very individual. I personally would be put off by a very high number, i guess because it would make me seem insignificant but i cant really say why its just a feeling i have.....its something i stick to in my own sexual relationships.....i would only sleep with someone i truly cared for thus i suppose i look for someone who also values sex in the same way. I dont think im right or someone whose slept around is wrong - but i do think its important to stick with the way you feel - in both your own actions and your judgments of others. for your interest though i have in my mind that more than 5 would be too many - then again im only 22 and dont know what life might have in store yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I'd say (and have said, honestly) "too many. I honestly don't know". And if they can't hack it, they arn't someone I'm compatible with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Hmm..acceptable answer...hmm. Y'know, I stopped asking this question after my first serious bf. And it was something I asked bc I was a virgin at the time. lol. I guess any number that was consistent with the person and how they present themselves to me would be acceptable. If I was lied to about who they are or their life: that would be unacceptable. I would prefer a number below 10, but that's pretty randomly choosing a number from my head. Less partners is good in my books, but not a huge deciding factor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 OK, so say that you were new in town or your b/f was new to your town and he thought, well, if she's asking then it must be super important so I will lie and choose a low #. How would you know if it really was a low #? How do ya know if you were being lied too?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 Well, I don't know. I don't sleep with anyone who I haven't known for a while, met the friends, heard the past, 'investigated'. Your scenario has never been played out - I do not trust easily at all. Some men will wear the sweet routine for a while, then when it comes down to it will give conflicting info. Liars usually do that at some point. Actually, it doesn't always have to be lying even. It can be trying to come accross as something you are not. There's no way to ever always know when someone is lying, but inconsistency is usually a good indication not to take the person on their word. That was my main point: the number only matters if it's 'odd' for the person or if I have info that proves they are lying. lol. Really, if you (me) am asking that question - I should have an idea of the number already! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumkin_fairy Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 because im *quite young* ... if the guy has slept with alot of girls i would feel... lets just say.. a bit uncomfortable. but that question has only come up once and theanswer i got was 0! .. i don't see how a number could be too low though... hmmm xxjenxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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