Self-sabotaging behaviors

[renaissancewoman101]

In the last few months, and after my best friend so "kindly" pointed out to me, that a lot of what I do, my behaviors, etc., are very self-sabotaging. Meaning, if I were to have two choices to do things, I would always inadvertently choose the choice that would cause me the most problems, the most grief. For example, I really need to go and find a job since my lack of employment is not contributing any to my goal of saving for retirement, of having any money, of making any meaningful contribution to my life, etc. I could really put my mind to it and find a job, but I choose not to. Instead, I choose to dilly dally around doing meaningless things, just existing. Another example has to do with money. Sometimes I need some financial help from my parents and they are willing to help me out, esp since I have just moved back here. I just dilly dally in asking them for money since I dont always like the argument that ensues. So, I wait and wait, till I am in dire straits, then I ask them for the money ASAP and that gets them mad at me, and I KNOW THAT, but I still choose to do it that way. Both my parents have expressed it to me that if I need money and their help, to ask them in a timely fashion, NOT AT THE LAST MINUTE. I also have a tendency to make choices and do things that affect me in a negative way and I know it will but I still seem to choose those choices. It is as though subconsciously I choose to do things that impact me the most negatively.

 

Also, if I need to get something done and I know it far in advance, I have a tendency to dilly dally till the last minute and then rush to get it done. I was like that when I was working and also in school and that has caused me problems in my past. It causes me problems now too because if I wait till the last minute to get things down sometimes, it has a financial impact. Another example, I have to change my auto insurance by June 3rd. I cant keep my old auto insurance because that company doesnt insure out here in CA. THe best thing to do would be to shop around online for auto insurance for the best price, etc. I dont do that. Instead, I seem to be wishy washy and pretty soon it will be the end of the month and I will be rushing to get that done and paying through the roof for it since I didnt do adequate research.

 

I dont know why I do stuff this way. It causes me a lot of stress and heartache. How do I stop doing stuff this way? Sometimes, I think it is a psychological thing.

[Lady Bugg]

RW,

 

Learning to plan ahead is vital if you are to change these behaviors.

 

Recently, I asked one of my employees for feedback on my performance as a manager..and she said that one thing that I USED to do was to say I was going to do something and not follow through with it. I was glad she mentioned it because she was RIGHT. However she did say I had gotten much better. This is because I learned to write EVERYTHING down that I knew I needed to do. I was trying to do everything by memory, and THAT was causing me to be very absentminded.

 

It is good that your friend was honest enough to point these things out to you, because many times other people can see clearly things about us that we cannot. A good friend will be honest if they KNOW what you're doing is hurting you or holding you back.

 

Here are some tips:

 

Write down your goals. Once you write them down, they become more real. Then make a plan on how you want to accomplish them.

 

Learn to prioritize. Write a list of things you NEED to do, and do the most important ones FIRST. Check them off as you go. This will be tedious at first, but it gets easier.

 

Find a mentor. Is there someone you know who REALLY seems to have their act together? Maybe they are very efficient, or very successful? Whatever it is...ask them how THEY do it, and learn from them.

 

Be aware of your behaviors as they are happeneing. If you catch yourself 'dilly dallying" at the cumputer when you KNOW you should be job searching , then do it.

 

This is a short list....but I hope these help some

[novaseeker]

It seems like the issue is a tendency to procrastinate.

 

The "cure" for that is to do things as they come into your mind. In other words, if you start to think about the car insurance, then take that opportnuity and just get it sorted, rather than realising it needs to get done, but not doing it when it comes to mind. Remind yourself that the only "benefit" of waiting to address it is that it likely won't get done.

[renaissancewoman101]

It is not just a tendency to procrastinate. Sometimes I make stupid choices that cause me more problems in the end and cost me more money in the end or more grief. It is as though I know that choice A is a better choice since it is more clean cut but demands more of an upfront approach to it, but I am so afraid to be upfront about things, so I take the more sneaky approach but that tends to cause more problems and has a bigger probability of blowing up in my face.

 

That's what I meant. I seem to make choices that are detrimental to me and cause me more grief.

 

How do I stop that. It is as though I am drawn to those choices and then in hindsight, I slap my head and say "DUH!!!"

[Lady Bugg]

It's called facing your fears.

 

You are afraid of the repercusssions of your decisions. You have stated many times that you're not a confrontational person. Fear of someone thinking less of you because you took the more "direct" appraoch and actually going for what you want, or asking for what you want or need.

 

Sneaky people truthfully annoy me. I used to know someone who would wait till the last minute to say she needed a ride somewhere, or to do something, because she knew that by doing that, the person she asked was more inclined to do it than to say NO. This IS a VERY selfish behavior pattern that will earn you a LOT of problems. Not only THAT but people WILL start avoiding you because they will think you're going to inconvenience them again. Since you KNOW you do this...you really should work on fixing it, or your relationships WILL be strained or worse, end.

[ElektraHere]

RW,

 

I tend to agree with Nova that you are a major procrastinator. Reading many of your posts you hate confronting things head on. That can be good and bad. RW sometimes you have to grab the bull by the horns and just go for it. I tend to believe some people think that if there is no chaos or commotion in their life then they aren't living life. Its a bad way of thinking for sure. I know I have thought that way many a time. If things are too calm then there is something wrong and its time to create a bit of chaos.

 

The first and foremost thing I have said to you is that you need to find a job. Not only will it help you financially but I think it will also help you emotionally. When a person isn't productive what are you left with? Too much time to sit and think or dwell on things.

 

Your letting life pass you by.

[novaseeker]

I think it may be that procrastination is the symptom/behavior, while fear is the underlying belief that is causing you to avoid certain things?

 

In other words, you're afraid to do A because of what you might learn, or what it might cost, or what it might demand on you in terms of life changes or whatever the case may be, and that fear translates itself into procrastination.

 

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, a lot of focus is put on identifying underlying beliefs like that which can trigger self-defeating behaviors (addictions are one, but procrastination is another one). You may want to give some thought as to what underlying "beliefs" (meaning ideas about yourself and the world around you, not theological things) may be inside your head that are proviking your reaction of putting things off or avoiding things.

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, I very much agree with your synopsis of me likeing to create chaos. If I were to look at myself critically, I can see that I like creating chaos where there is no chaos. My parents have told me that and even my best friend has told me that. I think that is also part of the reason why I am drawn to my best friend. His life is chaotic because HE creates it and when it isnt chaotic, he does something that creates the chaos and causes everybody to run around with their heads chopped off. I am like that. I cant stand it when things are calm and peaceful. That scares me because I have known chaos in my life for a long time. Lately, I have been trying to seek out friendships that are less chaotic and more peaceful. It is hard for me to adapt to friendships like that but I try because chaos makes my life ten times harder.

 

If I were to seek therapy, how would cognitive behavioral therapy be approached. I have seen a therapist before in my past and all he wanted me to do was tell him about my problems and discuss out solutions and feelings.

 

LB, you describe me to a "T". I have problems asking people for things because I am so afraid of being viewed in a negative light. So, I have this tendency to not ask for things until the very last minute and then people are mad at me and stuff like that, but they usually give me what I want. My parents are like that. I wait till so late to ask them for soemthing and then it is like a do or die situation. They get pissed at me but usually they give it to me. I hate that about me since it makes me look bad to them but then I am so afraid to ask for it in the beginning that I wait till the last minute and I look like the bad guy. The easiest solution, in hindsight, would have been to ask for it up front, take the heat from them and get the stuff. Instead of waiting till the last minute, asking them, getting MORE heat from them than usual, and maybe not getting the stuff in time because they dont have it or dont have the time to give it to me.

[novaseeker]

On the CBT, what you would need to do would be to find a therapist who practices CBT (one place to look for a referral would be link removed).

 

What they do is discuss with you what your behavioral issue is, and then help you identify the triggers, and the underlying beliefs that may be underlying that behavior. After that's been identified, they assist you with developing counter-throughts and strategies to arrest counterproductive thought lines from developing early enough in the process so that you can stop the train of thought and avoid the behavior you are trying to avoid.

[ElektraHere]

RW ~ If you do choose to seek out a therapist do some due diligence. Usually you can go to websites and find out what their approach is. Sometimes you can google them or you can go to a website such as the American Pshychology Association, etc.

 

 

Life in the chaos storm is tiring and it can get real old believe me I know.

[renaissancewoman101]

My chaotic lifestyle causes me a lot of grief and anxiety. That is one of the reasons why I have been seeking out friends who are calmer and less prone to chaos. I need some normalcy in my life, other than that of my best friend.

 

I wish I could have the guts to just ask for things when I need it, not wait until it is a do/die situation then ask for it. I wait till the last minute because the stuff I usually ask for involves my parents and sometimes they get upset with me about things, esp money things.

[ElektraHere]

This is a habit that needs to be broken. Not to sound mean so please dont take it this way. Your 33 years old and you need to get a job. Its time to take control and quit the insanity of it all. Expecially relying on your parents to help you when your in a pinch at the last minute. I have had to rely on my parents at times but then sometimes I have went w/o because it was my problem and there money is only a quick fix.

[7inHeaven]

Hmm, understand and have some self-defeating behaviours, too. Right before noticing this post

I was fretting about contacting an ex-GF who lives in a town where I will be in business meetings on Friday.

 

I've never cheated on my wife of over 15years and I am interested in seeing this woman again for lunch. But my wife was very upset when I told her this woman sent me e-mail 18months ago, then she saw my response and the response from ex-GF that followed. My wife thought the ex-GF was flirty and that I would be "asking for trouble" if I ever contacted her again.

 

So here I am, KNOWING that my wife would be really upset, yet I still want to contact this woman. Yes, the relationship with ex-GF was romantic & sexual, and yes, my wife was the next GF after this ex-GF left the town we lived in at the time to go to graduate school.

 

I think this counts as self-destructive behaviour, yes??

 

Best, Mike

[Dako]

Mike, maybe I'm reading something into it, but you forgot to deny a sexual interest in the old flame, so it seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, you know what, I do agree with you. Part of me feels like I took a bite of the poisoned apple when I decided to move back to CA. For the last 15 years I have lived away from my parents and actually have learned to subsist on my own. Made decent money, had some savings, had a good job, had friends, etc. I was actually doing a lot better and was a lot happier when I didnt live here. I moved back here partly because of my best friend and partly because of my parents. My mom has always wanted me to move back to CA, closer to her and they have made it very lucrative for me to move back here. If you really want to know something, a big part of why I moved back here was so they could help me out. I was tired of doing stuff on my own since I was juggling stuff and I felt as though I was always living from paycheck to paycheck. I have managed to stay away from using credit cards taht much because I dont need to put on more debt. My expenses are quite high even now because of living in CA (where everything is twice the cost). Moving back here has caused me to depend more on my parents and that costs me emotionally too.

 

I dont know. I am just ranting about things and about my life. I need my parents and I think I am addicted to their money handouts. They are willing to help me out because they are doing quite well financially but I feel like a little kid more now than I did before. Since I am depending on them more, I feel as though I am self-sabotaging my life more. Even if I dont want their money, my mom likes to get me things because she doesnt think I dress well, take good care of myself, etc. So she buys me things, like expensive shoes, clothes, etc.

 

I don't have a lot of motivation to find a job. I am going back to school in the fall so I can finish out my degree. I know I need to find a job so I can feel more centered but I dont know.

 

7inHeaven, I know how you feel. Sometimes the right choice might not be the easiest choice to make.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a major problem here is your belief that you will always be bailed out if things get desperate -- and somehow you believe that it is ok to be bailed out. It is VERY scary at times to know that the buck stops with you - that you are accountable and that if you act irresponsibly or chaotically you will have to deal with the consequences. On the other hand it is good to experience that at times for the "hot stove" effect - i.e. a child gets burned when she touches a hot stove so she never touches it again.

 

Last year my 18 year old niece had yet another accident with her car. Her parents refused to pay for it. She called me and asked me for the $. I had the $ but I said no because of her carelessness. Since then she hasn't had a car. That situation is what will teach her to be more careful, more than her therapy, her meds, etc. Just my humble opinion.

 

I think your parents have to stop giving you $ - no I don't want to see you homeless, of course, but I have a feeling that won't happen because you are able to work and support yourself.

 

As far as the drama and chaos - yes it has its upsides - it can be exciting, thrilling, etc. You can wean yourself off needing that kind of "excitement" by forming close relationships with people so that the quieter excitement of sharing intimacies (in a platonic or romantic relationship) is what you are motivated towards. I have slowly weaned myself away from "train wreck" people - even though I sometimes liked hearing the next chapter in their chaotic lives after awhile I found it boring and narcissistic.

 

Good luck.

[7inHeaven]

Not sure what interest I have in this ex-GF. I can't deny that I REMEMBER some of the sexual relationship, but I am not fantasizing about it in the present.

 

But I agree, this is a potential disaster waiting to happen. So I'm determined NOT to contact the ex-GF. My post was relating to this thread, I'm trying to figure out why I even thought seriously about contacting ex-GF.

Example of self-sabatoging, self-destructive behavior, yes?

 

As noted in responses to RenaissanceWoman101, the best thing to do for all you love, including yourself, is often NOT the easiest thing to do, nor the most pleasant.

 

Tx, Mike

[ElektraHere]

RW ~ I have highlighted some points you made about your prediciment. I think you should have stayed where you were. It seemed you had alot going on and were much happier. You dropped everything for a friend who isnt there for you.

Your parents are doing you no favors by "supporting" or bailing you out of things. Even the money handouts why bother trying when you know the Mom and Dad ATM is open 24/7.

As for your motivation to find a job like I said before why would you have that motivation if the M&D ATM is open 24/7?

[renaissancewoman101]

7inHeaven, your example is a good example of self-sabotaging behavior, but you avoided it. At least you have a good sense of self-control and respect for self to avoid the behaviors. I have this tendency to a make a beeline for behaviors that tend to affect me negatively.

 

A lot of my decisions and choices lead to potential disasters and yet I still make the stupid choices and then dig myself into a nice little hole and am staring at the sky saying to myself "lookey see, I dug myself into another little hole and now I have to get myself out and I still look bad no matter what"

 

Batya33, yes I have this belief that I will always get bailed out by my parents if things go that wrong. They have helped me out time and time again and sometimes I feel like I am the little kid pushing the envelope to see how far I can go when they finally tell me "NO, go deal with it on your own". Sad thing is I am 33 years old and I am still resorting to doing things this way. I would think by this time, I would be a little bit more independent. Instead I moved back closer to the parents and sacrificed my independence to a point. I still refuse to live that close to them and have put a two hour driving distance from them.

 

Batya33, if I had to live life where the buck stops with me and I was responsible for my every action, I probably would freak out and not know what to do. As for chaotic people, lately I have been concentrating on making friends with people who are not chaotic and who bring peace and comfort into my life. I have made some progress in that area and it helps to have a friend or two who arent into chaos as a lifestyle.

[Batya33]

I am glad you're making some progress. Why not take baby steps (pun intended) to wean yourself off your parents. That's some huge presumption you're making that you would freak out if you were totally independent. You don't know that. Example. Today I was asked to juggle three projects at once, all of which concerned subjects I am not well versed in. I "almost" let the anxiety get to me. Instead, I buckled down and got it done and what seemed insurmountable was actually quite doable, and interesting.

 

It sounds like you overanalyze and have the fear of the unknown problem. On top of that it sounds like you rely on psychobabble so you don't have to face simple truths - in these posts you have approached the simple truths but then retreated from them with a lot of verbiage. Start with a few simple goals each day and work up from there. Simple, cliche advice, but it works.