I Feel So Trapped!!

[teacup]

i feel like i am so tormented right now and the reason is obvious.

 

past 8 yrs: i spent it in hell. i was with an abuser and didn't know/think any better. my life was dragged through the mud. if i had not been freed from the vicious chains and cycle, i would have ended up in jail, mentally insane and homeless, or dead. it WAS that bad. i lost everything. my family relationships were filled with anger, tension, hatred, i had NO friends and NO acquaintances (completely isolated), i never went to any events, i had no identity or sense of self, i was completely brainwashed, i was fighting with my siblings, i had NO money, i had NO job and NO work experience, I got so many Fs, I dropped out of college, I got fatter around my stomach and thighs, I had major depression and anxiety and I was cycling through an emotional cycle a day, I wasted money, I did incredibly stupid and idiotic things, I was pretty crazy.....

 

NOW: I am a very ambitious and motivated person. I want life to be great. I am willing to do what it takes to get me there. but WHAT am i going to do? I am so frustrated and tormented seeing everyone my age move forward with their lives, going to parties, working, advancing, making a life for themselves. I WANT that. I don't know what to DO.

 

What suggestions do you have for me? I feel like im in hell. A different kind of hell though. also feel like I am so old and that mabe it's too late.....

[AwdreeHpburn]

teacup - I know what you mean about feeling like its too late, but it's absolutely not.

 

Where you should start, I have no idea. Don't know enuff specifics about your entire situation, but I do think you should talk to some of your friends and family and say what you just said here. About how you felt isolated from them, abused and alone. Maybe that will help begin healing those relationships. Then you will at least have a better support system in place...

[ElektraHere]

The first thing you can do is not dwell on the past. If the NOW is true and you really feel that way then make a list of things you want to accomplish. If you want to learn piano? Learn it. If you want to go back to school? Do it. Anything you want to motivate yourself towards you can do. Quit compairing yourself to others. If you continually do that you will stay in that same spot and never move forward.

[Beyondthesea]

It's never too late to start again. I'm 25 and in two years I'll be done one degree and then will go back full time to do another. By the time I get out and work in my field I will be about 32 years old.

 

Time passes anyway...choose your life.

[ariyadhana]

I agree that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. We all travel a different road and end up in different places for various reasons. Don't beat yourself up because you are not where you think you should be! You have grown strong through adverse experiences and it is time to look forward, not backwards. Forget about your age, forget about how you compare to others. Think about what you need to accomplish! Going back to college and finishing your degree might be a good first step if that is what you want. It's good to have a solid education behind you.

[Tigris]

I agree with the others.

 

First of all stop thinking about how old you are and that you're getting older every year. I don't think about my age. As far as I'm concerned I think about how old I feel inside. I'm 42 and most of the time I feel like I'm 22, however, on the days my disability starts playing me up and I'm in lots of pain I feel 92!

 

When I was very ill in 1999 and was in so much pain I couldn't move a muscle (a centimetre) without hearing myself screaming in my head (I didn't want to frighten my husband), I thought I was dying! In fact I would've died if I could've crawled to some tablets and taken an overdose!

 

All I could think of was life's supposed to be better than this! I told my husband I was a burden to him and to go out and find someone else. I couldn't feed myself, walk, go to the toilet without help, etc. I was suffering from depression and I wasn't sleeping at all unless I was exhausted and then I'd become unconscious!

 

I was only 37 years old and all I could think of was, 'I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life!' My mind was ok and I hated it because my body wasn't. I felt trapped! The worst part for me was when I couldn't 'string' a sentence together for my husband to understand. One day I remembered the 3 important words that should've made him understand what I needed. I shook my mobile phone at him (he was pushing me in a wheelchair) and said, 'Money, Link.' He answered, 'I don't understand?' Again I shook the mobile phone, 'Money, Link.' He felt awful because he still didn't know what I wanted. I was so frustrated and angry that all I wanted to do was get out of the wheelchair and throw it down the mall! I didn't speak to him for 3 hours because I couldn't see the point if he couldn't understand me.

 

Many of you would probably wonder why I didn't write it down. I couldn't because when I was like that I couldn't even hold a pen or think to write. I was convinced I'd had a stroke that day because it 'runs' in my family. The doctor wouldn't even send me for tests to find out!

 

What I was trying to tell him was I needed a voucher for credit on my mobile phone from the BT Link shop. My mobile phone was the only way I could get in touch with him if he was at work and I needed him urgently. The reason was my parents didn't believe I was ill so they never came to visit me to see for themselves. Plus my 2 sisters didn't know because my parents didn't tell them what my husband had said.

 

The shock of being so ill at that time gave me the fight to start and win the war over my body to become better. I was in the wheelchair for a year! Sometimes I walked with 2 crutches but that meant I'd pull the muscles in my sides. Actually, so did the wheelchair when I needed to push myself. It took a lot of years to be able to walk without a walking stick. Sometimes I'm not very well at all and need to stay in bed for days! Other times my legs just decide they're not going to walk properly. That happened a couple of weeks ago. My right leg was bad and I was limping (didn't have my walking stick with me that day because I'd been great for months) and my left leg suddenly felt like it was pumped full of steroids! The rest of my body felt normal. I walked like a 'Spastic' (no offence meant but I don't know the politically correct word). I get so frustrated but I just have to put up with it until whatever's wrong in my head adjusts itself. When this happens some people look at me like I'm drunk!

 

According to the doctors/consultants the 'neurotransmitters' don't work properly in the brain's of 'Fibromyalgia Syndrome' sufferers. Althought this brain problem affects all of us we don't have the same symptoms! I know a few sufferers who don't have my problem walking and others who are permanently in a wheelchair and can't do anything for themselves.

 

When I'm ill I think of other people who are in a worse state than me, e.g. people with cancer who are terminally ill, etc.

 

I never want to be confined to bed for months ever again! I never want to be in a wheelchair permanently ever again! These things are my driving force. The problem I find the most difficult to deal with is the stresses that affect my mind. I can cope with my body having 'a will of it's own', but my mind drives me crazy! When it does that I self harm.

 

Teacup you need use your bad experiences like I've done and say, 'I'm never going back to that ever again!' Don't dwell on things that have gone wrong, use the experiences to propel yourself forward into a new life!

 

I'm going to have to go back to bed now because I'm exhausted now!

 

Good luck and take care.

[itsallgrand]

Wow Tigris. You rock! You are one of hell of a strong woman.

 

And so are you Teacup. Look at what you have gone through - and you are here, you survived it!, you got out. No one else did that for you.

That strength is all you.

You have so much to offer the world.

 

What is it that you feel you having been missing out on?

Write it out.

Specifics. This is helping me.

Then you make a plan and just start doing it.

 

I've been feeling fatter and like I'm missing out on activities I used to like - so today I went to the pool with a friend.

It's moment by moment, and it all adds up. I feel better today, and tomorrow I'll do one more thing.

 

Right now. What do you want right now? Do something to move towards it.

The others said it well. lol. I'm just repeating and letting you know....

 

It's not too late. All we have is now. You can do anything, Tea!

[Tigris]

WELL DONE itsallgrand! You've made a start, just take each day as it comes.

 

Teacup I know it's not easy because at one point I felt like I was in the 'bowels of hell'. In my mind there was a ladder from there up to ground level. Everytime I'd feel like I'd got two steps up I'd slip back three. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. Somehow I found the determination and strength to win. That's why I'm alive today!

 

You can do this too!

 

Good luck and take care.