koolaidnovel Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 I feel like * * * *. I'm on Zoloft and Klonopin and I feel they are putting a thin veil over the "real deal," or... my real, valid emotions. Sure, sometimes they help me. But it's like I have a hole in me... and they can't fill it. I'm feeling so lost right now... I feel drained emotionally. I'm trying so hard to be someone, to be someone good and to like myself... to know who I am and to see the point of it... I feel as if this is a situation to say, "change your med" but at the same time, maybe this feeling is totally valid and reasonable and a medication cannot change it. I'm so lost, so lost. I'm in so many situations that are going against my goal of raising my self-esteem. I went to a club and tried to enjoy myself, but barely did. It felt so strange and absurd... a random guy coming up behind me to "dance" and what the "dancing" involved was just... groping. I didn't like it. Couldn't admit it to myself. "This is supposed to be fun, I'm dancing and I'm in a club." All I could see was the absurdity and sadness of it. Girls writhing around like they were doing a pathetic "mating dance"... desperately wanting someone to want them. To get a stupid shallow dose of self-esteem. And I looked at myself and how I was lying to myself... a big slap... I knew I hated it, but I kept on... just kept on... I'm with people I don't like. Always with them, living a lie. I put on a mask everyday to them. My "friend" will constantly talk * * * * for the stupidest reasons... and I just go along with it. Of course, I could argue with her and tell her what I REALLY think. But then I'd have no one to eat meals with, no one to hang out with. I hate people, I hate them. That is all. I don't know where to go, what to do, where I'm going... what's the point? What is the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Hi there, I am so sorry you have feeling crappy lately. May I ask if you in therapy as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolaidnovel Posted May 12, 2006 Author Share Posted May 12, 2006 Thank you for the kind words. To answer your question, yeah I'm going to therapy. I like my therapist, she's great. It seems to have been helping me. It's just that sometimes I feel detached from EVERYTHING going on. My mom is saying I might be bi-polar, yet I don't believe it because I don't really have the symptoms, like staying up all night sometimes when I'm manic... I don't experience that. But if there is something wrong with me, I want to find out so I can saturate myself with more chemicals. At the same time, I think it's so strange that we have hundreds of different diagnosable psychiatric disorders... that no one can ever have an emotion or problem without it being some disorder to be treated with chemicals. I am just so confused... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Awesome! Going to therapy and meds in combination is definitely the way to go. It can take awhile for your body and brain chemistry to get used to those medications. Have you been taking them long? Does psychiatric illness run in your family? Depression and Bipolar tends to run rather strong in families. Bipolar can be tricky at times to diagnose because the symptoms can overlap in other illnesses and there is two types of bipolar and different types of specifiers. Whew! Do you see a psychiatrist, or psychologist? Have you been formally diagnosed with a condition as yet? Also, writing a journal on your mood can help quite a bit and perhaps you can share them with your therapist. Has anything in your life occurred recently to prompt these emotions? Lots of stress? Okay, I am done grilling you with questions. Sorry. I truly hope you feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sir sirloin Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 don't stress over not enjoying a club they are places dumb people congregate for the purpose of inhaling each other's chemical odor producing products and dry humping And to answer you question most people suck and there is no point. However to distract you from that fact here is a cute picture of my cat: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arrowsmith Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Koolaid, can I ask how old you are? Do you think things might get better when you are move to a different environment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolaidnovel Posted May 14, 2006 Author Share Posted May 14, 2006 Koolaid, can I ask how old you are? Do you think things might get better when you are move to a different environment? I'm 19. I think it may be the environment, possibly. But at the same time... I don't know. I've been feeling this ALL my life. Even on drugs. Disconnected completely and feeling like life is pointless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arrowsmith Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 Are you going to school? Are you religious? Does the idea that you can pick your own meaning for life appeal to you? Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it's actually a thought that brings me some comfort from time to time. I mean, I don't believe there is a real *meaning* to life, but I've decided that while I'm here I'm going to try to figure out how the brain works. We need some help with this if you're interested.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AwdreeHpburn Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 yeh koolaid, I feel the same way a lot actually. Maybe volunteering or finding something to do that makes YOU feel good about yourself and gives your life meaning TO YOU. I dunno, just a suggestion. I'm sort of in the same boat.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reality_writer Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 it's kind of like you're waiting for something, but have felt disconnected b/c you're tired of waiting.......and don't see the point if it will never come.... so why care....... I think...personally, that when a person ends up with depression, or a disconnection with their world, it's their mind telling them, "I'm going into sleep mode until you figure out how to take care of me, you're exhausting the heck outta me" in a way... it's saying, you need to make a spark to get the fire goin again so to speak. I don't think people need medication to fix depression. I honestly think its a waste of time. Therapy, can be beneficial. It gives you the opportunity to talk, and have someone actually listen (and they better listen well for the price they charge lol) anyway, all I'm saying is, you're 19.... you shouldn't need to be on medication....... they can claim chemical imbalance all they want, the "imbalance" happened naturally, so it can be fixed naturally.........my brother went on medication for depression last year at the age of 19 too... in his case he was just letting too much get to him... after he moved out of the house and went to college and got a new life, he went off the pills and hasn't needed them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 I feel as if this is a situation to say, "change your med" but at the same time, maybe this feeling is totally valid and reasonable and a medication cannot change it. I'm so lost, so lost. I'm in so many situations that are going against my goal of raising my self-esteem. I'm with people I don't like. That is all. I don't know where to go, what to do, where I'm going... what's the point? What is the point. BINGO. You have your own answers. I thought your posts were very smart. You are 19 - do you know how 'normal' it is to go through this?! Seriously. I totally agree with you that the prevading culture is 'any so-called negative feeling is a disorder'. We do live in a soceity that over-medicates, over-diagnoses. Wants to feel good all the time - and if you don't ....."well, there must be something wrong with you". Bah!! Look at the quote of your words. You are 19, hanging out without people you don't even like, putting yourself in situations you find no meaning in and that actually make you feel worse about yourself......... Is it any wonder you feel the way you do?! You are finding your identity and place in the world....... right now, trying to figure it all out...... its uncomfortable, unhappy, empty...... who hasn't struggled and had these feelings? (the answer is no one!) You need to allow yourself to expose yourself, express your true self, make some changes in your life and let this go.... Find things that MEAN something to you. It doesn't matter if it fits with your 'plan' or lifestyle right now. You're changing into a fullgrown woman...the transitiion is hard for us all! Maybe you need to speak to your doc. about these meds you are on. Maybe its' time for you to face life clean. (If you can. If you can function without the meds. ). Perhaps ........its a thought. You have awareness enough to know that self-esteem is an issue for you - a huge one. Meds can't fix that. Only you taking the reins of your life and making real changes....and accomplishments, showing yourself warts and all. cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolaidnovel Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 Thanks, reality_writer, that was very insightful... a good take on the situation... You hit the nail on the head: I'm bored with everything and waiting for something that hasn't come yet. I was thinking that maybe it's love or someone to fall in love with... I don't know. I don't know what would fill the "hole"... religion, maybe. And itsallgrand, thank you for that, it makes a lot of sense. I guess I need to be around people who matter to me... but for some reason, I feel so selfish. Some people say that depression is a cause for being selfish... because you're so introspective that you become obsessive about it... but at the same time, I feel that the people who I would actually "like" are not drawn to me. I had met this AMAZING guy... thought he was everything... we just dated casually for a few weeks and then it was totally over... but HE is the type of person who I would want to spend time with... girl OR guy. Ironically, I realize now that going to the club did not fill the "hole" but it did help in a very superficial way. It made me feel attractive, and for some reason, it's something I crave obsessively right now. Yes, I didn't agree with the "club" environment and automatically pointed out all the "corruptions" of it, and the negatives... but at the same time, I want to go back. lol. It's just... weird... wandering around life with no sense of direction and seeing no point... hm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reality_writer Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 I wondered about how to fill that hole for the longest time..... and still am wondering! BUT! for me.......I just got a new job, and that seemed to help fill it a little. which I wouldn't of thought of it ever doing, until it happened and I experienced it, and finally felt something inside.... I find it's hard to change your own mood.....nomatter how much you fight with yourself about how you feel.....and I think it takes events, or new people, or something to spark emotion... it's hard to explain, i guess....but... feeling happy and all that can be done without medication....... I do know that lol. You're gonna figure it all out... because you're not somebody who is weak and is gonna let the world crush them. I think that because you can understand this sort of thing and not be naive about it, that you'll have a better understanding about life when things start to change. there's a quote from somewhere that's kinda cool it's: "everything's okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end!" it's kinda uplifting lol. it' youre into that kinda thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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