Am I being mean to my ex by not being friends w/ her?

[settinuplife]

My ex and I have been broken up for a long time (2 years). We have been friends, sometimes w/benefits at her convenience since then. Seems she always runs to me when her and her boyfriend fight and I get my hopes up then she runs back to him, so I guess I have been her spare tire. I have been doing NC off and on and it seems after 2 mos. she always comes back running making promises telling me she misses me, loves me. I cave in while being somewhat aloof, then she goes back to boyfriend next day and they make up.

 

I have tried very hard to be her friend since the breakup and have always been there for her until I get fed up and do NC. She says I'm her best friend and that no one has ever cared about her as much as I do.

 

2 weeks ago her and her boyfriend got into another fight, I was doing NC with her at the time, going on 2 mos. She started calling 20 times in a row so I finally answered and talked to her after 2 mos. and she told me the usual, she misses me loves me, but then she said I REGRET EVER BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!! She also said that she wasnt moving out of state with him like planned and that she wanted to be here with me. I was blown away, and after talking for another hour I finally said I wanted to be with her too. We hugged and were to finish our conversation tomorrow. Next day she said she broke up with her boyfriend, the thing is she kept staying with him cause if she didn't, he would know where to find her (my house) so she figured it would be better till their lease is up at the end of the month.

 

So basically what happens is they make up and get back together after she told me she wanted to be with me and is not moving. Now they are back and still moving and I am pissed. She just led me on again and made false promises.

 

She started telling me I am her best friend and I love you, and why can't we be friends. She desperately wants my friendship cause I am one of the few people that have always cared about her through thick and thin. It doesnt seem to register to her that she's done anything wrong and I can't get her to understand how I feel.

 

So I tell her since she's back with him and moving I think it's best that we cut ties for good and not do a friendship and that it's pointless, she will make lots of new friends when she moves and that she no longer needs me in her life anymore since she's back with him and I'm tired of being a spare tire.

 

Well she got pissed and says why can't we be friends, and that she hopes nothing bad happens to her and just pretty much made me feel guilty as hell.

 

I feel like I'm abandoning her and that she really does need me in her life, but why. She doesnt seem to care about my feelings and the hell I've been through. It doesnt seem to register with her. She doesnt have alot of people in her life that care about her, she has shi*** parents as well. It has been easier to deal with her moving now that she's gone and I'm already starting to get over her a little. It hurt me soo bad that she was still moving before. I just can't shake the feeling that I've abandoned her and that she needs me. I feel guilty, I don't want her to sink into some kind of depression and do something stupid cause of me.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

[DN]

Am I doing the right thing?

Yes.

 

She's using you and trying to manipulate you through emotional blackmail.

 

Don't fall for it.

[Lady Bugg]

SettinUp...the only thing you're guilty of is being her emotional tampon and backup plan. Period. My question how YOU don't see what game she's playing here. You did NC on her for 2 months. So she called 20 times in a row....that still did not obligate you to answer. With yours and her history, you should know this dialogue by heart by now. She's a drama queen. You're her second choice when her and loverboy have a fight. She KNOWS you're not going anywhere, and when you finally grow a spine, YOU'RE the bad guy. yeah she sounds like a real treasure...

 

I think you need to salvage whatever self respect you have left and

tell her to leave you alone....then change ALL your phone numbers and your email address. I think THEN you will have some peace and finally start healing... of course, this is likely to fall on deaf ears, but that's STILL my opinion. Sorry to be harsh.

[agent1607307371]

Yes you are.

 

She is your ex for a reason. You no longer owe her anything.

 

Her behaviour (from your post) is cruel and manipulative. She has you on a leash and lets you out and pulls you back in depending on her mood.

 

She desperately wants my friendship cause I am one of the few people that have always cared about her through thick and thin. It doesnt seem to register to her that she's done anything wrong and I can't get her to understand how I feel.

 

She desperately wants an unconditional support system that she doesn't have to give back to.

It's not that her actions don't register as wrong, it's that she doesn't care.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yes you are doing the right thing. I'm assuming she broke up with you two years ago. Ever since then you have been giving her all the benefits of being in a relationship with you without her actually being in a relationship with you.

 

STOP DOING THAT.

 

This girl is totally mixed up and she doesn't know what she wants. Don't be surprised after she moves when she starts calling you up and telling you how she made the biggest mistake of her life and how she loves you, needs you, you're the love of her life...blah blah blah. And the the best case scenario is she'll be saying the exact opposite after she has traveled to see you, and she'll start on her way back to the other man.

 

Do yourself a favor and change your phone number so she can't call you anymore. It's easy enough to also add her to block lists for e-mail and messenger programs.

[xprincessbugx]

I completely agree with lady bugg, she has done nothing to you but treat you like a dog. Move on and find someone that will treat you good. Seems to me she had something good in the first place but didn't want it until she had no one left. I think that you should just get over her and learn from the experience and be glad that it is finally over and that you don't have to deal with her anymore.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I think it's really shallow and selfish for a girl to try to contact and ex and make the healing process take longer. They usually do it so they have a fall back plan which is unbelievably self centered. Or the girl is just trying to make herself feel less guilty for dumping you by slowly pulling you in, and dragging you through the mud.

 

Ignore her, it's an oppurtunity to become the one who is kicking her to the curb.

[Arrowsmith]

Yes, you're doing the right thing. She sounds shortsighted and selfish from your description. Given your history with her how would you be able to trust her? And what's the point in being there for someone that isn't there for you?

[GottaLetItBurn]

I love that whole thing...definatly something you need to say to yourself when considering making the momumental mistake of giving them the chance to burn you AGAIN.

[settinuplife]

Wow, you guys are great. You have opened my eyes even more. As a matter of fact she just left me a message crying apologizing. So some_guy282 you about hit that right on the head. Thank you all so much. What I am most afraid of is she has been suicidal before and I would never forgive myself if she took herself out cause of me. How do I get over that feeling?

[DN]

What I am most afraid of is she has been suicidal before and I would never forgive myself if she took herself out cause of me. How do I get over that feeling?

By realising that in the first place she almost certainly will not kill herself because of you and secondly that you do not owe her your happiness and wellbeing in order for her to not kill herself.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Dude get over the feeling by healing, because then she is not your problem and you don't take responcibility for anything she does.

 

You wouldn't be responcible if anyone else killed themselves, and people who talk about it all the time probably won't do it. It's the ones that keep it to themselves and do it out of the blue.

 

THe crying things is just BS. It's just away to relieve all her stress and then she'll feel better once it's all out. If she keeps using you as a shoulder to cry on she will empty all her emotions out on you. Once again a way to use you, and you will have gotten burned again.

 

Just let her go and stay away. Other things will start to matter and she won't later down the road.

[RandomAdvisor]

Rereading everyone's posts, I gave this girl too much credit originally. She's not mixed up. She's manipuative.

 

This girl is a leech. Using you as an emotional tampon is exactly what she is doing, so ladybug was more right with that.

 

She's the type of person you could waste the rest of your life with, a real keeper.

 

 

I hope at this point you are making your heart cold to all of her hollow crying. At this point you've probably heard a zillion different versions of the same speech from her. And it's the same speech you'll continue to hear from her. You wanna know why? Because you keep falling for it!

 

She doesn't care about you one bit. She's very selfish. If she really cared about you she would be with you. At the very least, if she had the tiniest bit of sympathy for you she wouldn't be putting you through what she has. Emotional tampon really is a good name for what you are to her because a tampon is an object the person using it doesn't care about. It's sole purpose is to be used and then discarded with the trash afterwards.

 

I've looked at your threads started and this girl is killing you! You're never going to be able to move on with your life until you rid yourself of her. Change your phone number. You can pick up the phone right now and do it! You have the power. And you'll feel sooooo much better about yourself once you do.

 

And DN is right on about the suicide. Don't fall for that emotional blackmail.