Depression

[renaissancewoman101]

Do any of you get this way, where you spend time with your friends, have a good time, then get sick of them and want them to leave and when they leave, you feel depressed and lonely (and are upset that they left) and yet you want to be alone and then you don't want to see people for days?

 

I know this sounds like a mouthful of confusion and it is. Maybe it is a bunch of mixed up feelings in my brain. Not sure though. Yesterday, a friend of mines from college came to visit me as a surprise. I had a great time with her, went out with her, showed her the sights, went out on the town till late last night and she stayed the night. This morning, before she went back up to LA, we went out to shop, eat, and all that. By the time she left, I was glad that she left because I was feeling kind of claustophobic (smothered) and yet, I didnt want her to leave because I was kind of lonely too. Now that she is gone, I feel lonely, and I miss her company and yet, I am happy to be alone again and I dont want to see people for a while. I am supposed to go out with a friend from down here shopping tomorrow and tonight I was supposed to go up to Irvine to see my best friend and his bf. Normally, I dont mind going up to Irvine, but tonight I told my best friend I wasnt feeling well and wanted to be alone. I dont know what is wrong with me but I want to hide out in my apartment and not see people for a few days.

 

I hope I am not becoming a hermit or becoming solitary. Ever since I moved out here, I have noticed that I have done more and more stuff by myself. During the day, I go out and run errands, shop, etc. by myself. I live by myself and I hang out with a friend or two only occasionally. I am having trouble wanting to be in groups of people again and I am afraid of finding a job because the last 5 months I havent worked and I feel out of the loop with people and am afraid to reach out. It is as though I like being a loner and am afraid to go out and meet people. I did make a new friend with someone who lives in the building and she wants to go shopping tomorrow, but I am not sure if I want to see people right now.

 

When I was living in Wisconsin, I had a better social life and I felt more like I want to go out and socialize and reach out. I also felt more centered. I dont feel at all centered out here and, as a result of that, I am turning more and more inward and not wanting to make new friends that much. I dont know how people can live with other people, constantly hang out with friends. I know that I have a hard time hanging out with friends or groups of friends for a long time. I tend to want to run and hide. I am a social person most of the time, but I also crave solitude.

 

I had this problem when I was dating my ex. It was great to have a bf, but I had a hard time having him over on the weekends and seeing him for 2-3 days straight in a row. After a while, it felt like I want to tear my hair out and run away, but when he left on the train, I missed him like hell, but when he was around, I felt smothered and claustophobic. After a while, it began to wear on me and sometimes I took it out on him inadvertently, not because I didnt like him being around, but I felt claustophobic. Maybe it is because I am so used to being alone a lot of the times. I have lived alone for the last 10 years and most of the stuff I do, I do by myself.

 

I dont want to always be feeling like this. I want to eventually make more friends and find a SO. I hope.

 

Am I weird?

[AwdreeHpburn]

ren - you're not weird at all that I can tell. At least not about what you posted..

 

But really, I can totally relate and feel this way quite often actually.

 

I do think it is a symptom of depression but am not entirely sure, i'm not a Dr of any kind.

 

I want to suggest to you to keep an eye on it tho. My mom had the same symptoms a few years back and is now an almost full blown agoraphobic. She has meds for it but I remember when she talked just like your post.

 

i'm not suggesting this is YOUR issue, just that you may be a bit depressed and it may be something to keep an eye on.

[Batya33]

I think it is mostly normal. Here is what I think may be happening. You are not in tune with yourself so that instead of taking some space when you need it, you keep going and going like a wind up toy in a social situation until you feel claustrophobic or smothered because you feel like you "should" be having a good time. example: my boyfriend was in town a few weeks ago (we have a long distance relationship temporarily) and he had a lot of work to do as did I. We sat in my living room most of the weekend a few feet apart, speaking very little and focusing on our work. I loved having him here 24/7 - and I felt bonded and connected even though we didn't speak. On the other hand, sometimes I feel overwhelmed when he calls or we are out to dinner and he wants to know everything that is going on with me. Even if I don't feel like being social at the moment i fight that feeling and share what he wants to know. Too much of that and yes I would feel resentful and smothered because I was not listening to myself.

 

I think it is an equally bad problem when people socialize non stop because they fear not being popular or not missing out on something "exciting" - just be patient with yourself, listen to yourself and you will find the right balance between socializing and alone time. It's similar to healthful eating - listening to your body as to what your body needs by way of nutrition at that point and knowing how much to eat and when to stop based on internal signals.

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont what it is either. This really started the last few years ago, when I was living in Wisconsin, but there I did go out more and have a social life because I made myself go back to school and I worked and had some friends. I had a decent one bedroom apartment out there, out by the lake, but I lived like a hermit out there. I tended to let things pile up, gather dust, and I had piles of stuff in my place that I tended to move around and let gather dust. It seemed the more piles of stuff I had the safer I felt. Actually, if you want to know the truth, my place out in Milwaukee, was a mess (not trashy or attracting bugs or vermin, not like that) in terms of piles of stuff around. I just felt safer when I had boxes and piles of stuff, papers, clothes around. Now I am living in San Diego in a nice sunny studio and I feel a bit better, but I am starting to tend back to my old ways. I make myself dust around the apartment, keep some sense of order but I still have boxes and crates of stuff that the movers moved in in the beginning of Jan that I still havent unpacked. I have boxes in the closets that I have no inclination of unpacking. I feel safer this way and I am not sure why. I know I want a place that is nicely decorated with no boxes or crates, but a nice lived-in place, but I have a hard time actually making that happen. Just last month I finally went out and bought a bed because I got tired of sleeping on the sofa, but that took me a lot of effort to.

 

I am confused about my feelings. I live in such a nice city with so much to do and yet I am so afraid to go and do it. I feel overwhelmed when I want to go and do things. It is like my mind tells me that I should go out and do things like go to the musuem, go out by the beach, etc. but I feel alone and so I dont go do it. And yet, when I have the opportunity to make friends, I run away from it.

 

I am really mixed up right now.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - are you seeing anybody, psyciatrically (sp?) for anything right now?

 

Would you call yourself a pack-rat? Like, do you have a hard time letting go of things or getting rid of things?

[coollady1957]

HI Ren, No I do not think you are weird at all. I would imagine there are alot of us that feel that way at times. I have that feeling alot of the time myself.

 

I have spent the majority of the last two and a half years alone, and have become accustomed to it actually. I loved every moment of married life, and raising my kids, but my husband passed away and the children grew up and left home.

 

As much as I enjoyed having a BF and some one to do things there for a while, I actually now for the most part, prefer being alone. I do not mind getting out , going places, taking care of errands. Being around others when I am out does not bother me.

 

When I am home, I does not bother me to not have company. When I do have some one here, whether it be family or friends, I enjoy the time they are here, but look forward to the moment they leave. I too sometimes have that same feeling you spoke of feeling a bit lonely once they leave. For me though, that feeling soon lessens, and I am back doing my own thing, when I want, how I want, and for as long as I want.

 

I too would like to one day find a new partner in life, and have recently checked out a date site. But when I stop and think on it all, I feel as though I am actually enjoying my solitude and quietness around the house.

 

Maybe this may make me sound weird too. BUt I do understand your need for being alone , and on the other hand being lonely when people are not there. definitely a hard thing to comprehend at times. Gosh I feel like I have been babbling and not sure I got my own point accross.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hi Ta_ree_saw, no I am not seeing anybody psychiatrically for now. And yes, I have a bad tendency to be a pack rat. Part of that comes from my parents. My dad is a pack rat and he has stuff from ten to twenty years ago, mostly papers and books relating to his work (he is a college professor).

 

I have trouble throwing things out and letting go of things and people too. Right now, I am worried that my solitary feelings and emotions are getting to me and preventing me from being able to function well and make friends and live well. I have a hard time explaining it on here. I like friends and want to have friends but I am scared that my hermit and solitary tendency is going to make it very hard for me to do that. I can tell it is going to be hard for me to have a SO in my life because I have a hard time sharing my space with people where I dont feel claustophobic or smothered. I dont see how people can be married or have a live-in SO. When I do find a SO or get married, I cant see myself living with someone on a long term basis without me feeling trapped, smothered, or claustophobic and wanting to run away and hide by myself.

 

I guess I just feel solitary right now. I will get over it in a few days. I know that. It just hit me really bad today and I am not sure why. The friend I hung out with today, I really enjoy her company a lot, at least I did when I was out in Wisconsin.

[Lita43]

Hi Sweetie,

I have writen to you before and it's not strange at all to want to "Be Alone", but I found that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and went on antidepressants.

Life is so much greater for me now and I do Love my children sooooooooooo much!!!

Been a long hard road and there are still time's that I like to be alone or feel lonely.

Sometime's I think and wish I had 50 kids to keep me occupied and know how to do many things, since I learned much living pioneer style for many years of my life and then moved to the city.

I Love city life too and have learned much, but would rather be here than be in the country again!

I can go into the wilderness for about a week and then when we are on the way back and hit Milwaukee, I am sooooooooooooooo happy to be closer to home!!!!

Have been in the sticks for most of my life and worked on farms, etc., and even lived in Florida for awhile.

The north rocks for short visits and will never go back to Florida or have a care to see California.

I've been lucky to travel around and for my retirement and I would Love to live in Montana.

I know I could never do this, as my whole family (or most of them) are only a matter of 3 hours away and my grandkids are only about 5 miles, so here I stay and Wisconsin is actually pretty fine for me!

Still Love Montana though!!!

Oh gosh, it's always something in life, right?

I'd still look into antidepressants and not pushing drugs, but could change a whole lot about your life.

No shame, no blame! I talk about this openly on the site and don't give a fig if somebody will judge me, cuz I am human and just me!!!

Let me know how things are going and will be here for you, ok???

 

Always, Lita~ XO

[ElektraHere]

Maybe things will start looking up if you

A. Get a job

B. Seek out someone to help sort out these feelings and find the root

C. Consider moving somewhere else

 

I know last year I didn't work for 7 months. I drove my friends, family, and myself crazy. I had toooooo much time on my hands and I was alone most of the time. I started to feel worthless and crazy. It would also be great if you could increase your social circle. No one can have too many friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

Lita43, Wisconsin is nice, quiet and peaceful, compared to CA, esp in LA where my parents live. Sometimes, I miss it out there but I dont plan on moving back out to WI either.

 

I have also noticed something else about me, I am eating more and more, which isn't good. I have gained about 15 lbs in the last few months and I notice that my appetite has gone up. It is as though eating gives me some solace. I dont eat healthy at all. I eat out a lot and I also eat a lot of junk food (cake, candy, and ice cream) and I dont exercise a lot.

 

EH, I know I really need to find a job. This is the first time in my life since college that I havent worked for over 5 months and I think this partly why I am depressed. As for moving away, I do have my best friend out here in Irvine and I do like life out here, most of the time. I think I need to see a therapist again to help me center my life and feel better and more confident. But, then I am not sure what I am suffering from either. I am not sure if this is depression or what?

[renaissancewoman101]

Batya33, maybe you are right and I am not taking some space for myself. Instead I want to hang out with people, see people, to the point that I want to tear my hair out and run and hide, because I am so afraid of missing out on things, being left out. I am so afraid of being left behind, that I do know for sure.

 

I am so afraid of listening to myself and taking time out for myself because I feel I am being left out of something or that my friends are enjoying life without me. That is why I push myself to do things with people, a lot of times, and feel empty when I do it.

 

But, then I want to be alone a lot of times. My feelings are crazy and I am having a hard time unraveling them so I can explain them on here in a sane, rational way that people can understand.

 

I also have gotten into a small habit of taking a pain pill at night in order to relax and not feel so wound up so I can sleep. Is that bad? My mom had a prescription for Vicodin from when she broke her wrist. She hates pain pills and she knows I have problems with my neck and back (spine issues) so she gave them to me. Last week I was having problems with migraines and I took one and it helped me relax and sleep. Besides my mom's meds, I also have some prescription Darvocet for pain but I rarely take them.

[itsallgrand]

I can relate to this so well, Ren. Everything...except being a pack rat and feeling safe with stuff around. I am the opposite in that regard: I can't stand having many things at all around me. I need - space - and lots of it. I live alone in an apartment with two cats, and it is rather stark. All I need is the basics and some plants and books. I like to call it 'zen' but some others find it weird. I don't like stuff. lol. Even nice things: I don't want much of it at all. It's like a burden to me.?

 

My best friend is a packrat though, and her place is overflowing with boxes, knickknacks, STUFF. She likes it. She also like her space a lot of the time - and that has kept our friendship working. Neither one of us gets insulted or anything bc the other wants not to hang out.

My interpretation of liking a lot of stuff around, is that it is like a cacoon of sorts. It's something to interact with, that you can control. that's just my take. Maybe you just like pretty things! lol

 

I have only lived with one man as an SO. And that was for 2 yrs. I enjoyed it immensely, but we each had to have our own 'rooms' in the place. Luckily, he was much like me, so we could live in the same house, spend time together, but respect each others individual space. I couldn't handle someone who had to be by my side all the time. I am quite individual and private.

 

You're not weird. But you know, if you are not happy with the way some things are going, it might help to talk to someone. It sounds like you've got some conflicting desires. And well...venting on here is good too....

[Batya33]

I would never take any prescription medication not prescribed to me - you never know what the short or long term side effects can be. I used to feel like I would get "left behind" if I didn't socialize all the time but luckily, over the last 10 years that has almost completely faded. For example I am staying in tonight partly because I have a lot of work to do but partly because I want to - I socialized a lot this week and it's quite enough.

 

I am not a dr. and so I cannot diagnose depression - particularly from just words on a page but one thing that has helped me tremendously - my outlook on life - is the volunteer work I do. Since January 2002 I spend about 3 evenings per month reading to homeless children at a local shelter. Between the good feelings of directly helping other people and meeting other volunteers who, like me, presumably want to help children, it has enriched my life so much and for such a small time commitment. It also adds to what is interesting about me - when I meet other people, that is.

 

The volunteer work forces me to be other-directed and quiets the overthinking and overanalyzing in my head.

 

All the best to you, Ren.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know I need to get involved in some hobbies. That might help. I dont want to get involved with Ren Faire this year because of some personal issues. There arent really any guinea pig stuff around here to get involved with. We'll see.

 

I wish the weather around here would be sunnier. The last week or so, it has been cloudy much of the time.

[ElektraHere]

Do you like the water? Take a sailing class or surfing? I would think that there are PLENTY of water activities there. How about becoming a lifeguard at a pool? For the Ren Fair and guinea pigs I think you might be in the wrong area for that.

 

You need not medicate yourself because you might become dependant on them. I hate to say this and don't take it as a mean comment but you are already dependant on your unheathy friendship with your ex. (the best friend) Seriously, I think if you sought out help to hone in on these issues your dependancy to thing would be non existent. First thing though is to find a job.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am not a big water person. I don't swim real well so surfing would definitely be out of the question. As for Ren Faire, I will be getting involved with Ren Faire again next year when my feelings for my ex are finally over and done with, I hope. I may go back up to So Cal Ren Faire one more time this season to meet up with some people who PMd me on a Ren Faire messageboard that I also belong to. I am not sure about that because the last time I went to Ren Faire two weekends ago, I had major problems dealing with my feelings for my ex.

 

I may try to get into some volunteer work since that can help me feel better about myself. When I was in college, I did volunteer work (worked in a soup kitchen twice a week) and it gave me a lot of personal satisfaction.

 

Even though I dont have a job right now, I do have medical insurance so if I want to see a shrink I can. I am not sure about that right now since I am not sure if meds can help me with what I am feeling.

 

As for the pain meds, I have been having problems sleeping lately, maybe due to depression or stress. Not sure though. I dont have any type of sleep medication and when I am stressed out, my neck and back problems act up and I know with those pain meds, they also make me tired and sleep ok.

 

I am trying to distance myself from my best friend up in Irvine. Today was the first time in a long time that I actually told him that I didnt want to come up by him because I was in a depressed mood and wanted to be alone. I made a friend with a lady who lives about 3 doors down from me and she wants me to go shopping with her tomorrow, so I probably will. It will get me out of the house and out with someone.

[Batya33]

I understand that you are trying to get to the root of things - to determine whether what you are feeling is in the range of normal or not. Re-read your posts, and see how many sentences you wrote that begin with "I" or focus exclusively on your needs, feelings, emotional temperature. That may be part of the problem. Maybe promise yourself that you will focus on getting out of your head - whether that means volunteering or listening to a friend or an acquaintance - and I mean really listening - active listening - or looking for a job where you have to work as part of a team - that might restore the balance you seem to need between being "in your head" and part of a community.

 

Of course I am assuming that you are not suffering from a chemical imbalance - I don't know that - if you are, then my advice will only work in combination with talk therapy and meds.