Can't control my emotions with my boyfriend...

[xmrth]

Tonight was such a horrible night. I feel better now, reflecting on it, thinking about who was right and who was wrong... Over something so stupid, but I was so hurt. I was really really hurt.

 

I got pink eye and my boyfriend has never had it, so I don't think he fully understands it. (laugh?)

 

When I told him, he REFUSED to go near me, not even hug me or even KISS me. I only get to see him on weekends, and I'm so stressed from finals, I just wanted to be held and spend some nice quality time with him and be intimate. I looked fine-- my eyes are fine, it's just in one eye and it's very light now. I look normal pretty much, but I've got it.

I was just so upset... he said "we've been together almost 7 years, I'll go near you next weekend-- it's just ONE weekend after all this time. We'll just hang out and talk and maybe go out somewhere tonight" and I mean, sounds nice and all right? The way he was saying it, it felt like he was no longer my boyfriend because I couldn't even go NEAR him, and I just could not stop crying my eyes out. It felt like I was no longer allowed to and he felt like another person.. like I didn't know him. That was the nature of it-- the way he sounded and acted. Too much detail to get into.

 

And then it just escalated and he's saying he's sick of it because I cry all the time and it drains him and he doesn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do with myself! And he's just saying all this stuff like "You're nuts... you're crazy... I don't know what is the matter with you." and I'm trying to talk to him like a normal person and he's making it so difficult. Every thing he says makes me more upset. If I didn't cry all the time, he'd be more understanding. He used to be, and he's said this himself. But it doesn't help me to NOT get like this and he doesn't take me seriously because of it, so it's so much of my own fault.

My whole weekend with him is ruined, and I'm just going to have to accept it.

 

I think it was just a bad night gone bad from my emotions. How do you not allow yourself to break down? It felt like it was right to-- I felt like I had every right and that's why I did. I stopped over little things when I realized it was "going there".... It's as if I can go without getting very upset over something for a WHILE, but it's always so recent seeming to him... and he's getting sick of it. I just feel like crap about the whole thing. I must have made myself look so unattractive. He was just disconnected from me at a certain point of it all.

 

I feel better after writing it and am hesitant to post it... but I feel so hurt and rejected, and like I've made such a mistake. My whole weekend is just ruined. I'm barely going to see him tomorrow and then a whole week until I can again and he just thinks I'm nuts and God only knows what else.

 

Thanks for listening to me whine...

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

I hate to say this but this could finally be the beggining of the end. I think this relationship is off balance and you expect waaaaay too much from your b/f. If he is verbalizing his frustrations at you calling you crazy then he must be thinking "is this all worth it?"

 

Either you need to give him a break and some space or be prepared for him to leave you. Also you need to quit the excuse of "we only see each other on the weekends." Enough already.

[xmrth]

Well if I'm only seeing him those times, I want it to be nice and not be ruined and filled with all of this.

 

I never expected his reaction to be like that and no idea how to handle it. He's sick of it I can understand but even when we're not having times like this, he still says it's all the time... it just sucks all the will to try right out of it.

[ElektraHere]

Martha take it as a HUGE red flag! If he is saying this even during "good" times he is thinking about this when he isn't with you. I think he has FINALLY had enough of all of this and is drained by you. Why would he want that when he could either be on his own with no one to please or a g/f that is supportive of his space? All around the way you act you shouldn't be surprised if he breaks it off with you.

[jenny_mcs]

xmrth-

 

On one hand, I can see your point that you were not feeling your best and your boyfriend was a little unsympathetic about it.

 

However-- from your reaction, and what he later said, I just get the impression that you are really really sensitive- to the point where you may be draining to be around.

 

I mean, when you state the facts "I have pink eye, and so my bf didn't want to get too close to me.", doesn't your reaction seem way over the top? I think you need to work on rolling with the punches a little more, and not let little things like this complete devastate you.

 

Where are the happy and fun times with your bf? I get the impression that so much of your interaction with him is upsetting to you- a casual remark or a change in yours/his routines throws you into a tailspin.

 

What if you concentrated on reacting differently the next time you start to feel anxious and upset? Instead of giving in to the anxiety and crying and making it worse, try to step back, shrug, and let it roll off your back.

 

It's hard to be around people when you feel like the slightest, smallest thing will upset them.

[BillyJean714]

Xmrth,

 

You may or may not like my advice. In fact, I was hesitant to say anything, but as a human to human thing? Here are a few questions you need to ask:

 

1. Does he love me?

 

2. Is he supportive of me (through thick/thin, good times/bad)??

 

3. Is he warm or cold towards me? (That comment about the weekend thing, and 7 years, says a whole LOT to me. It kind of sounded sarcastic/insensitive. In loving relationships, people DON'T communicate that way).

 

4. Are we compatible? Truly?

 

5. Am I lying to myself by being with him?

 

6. Do I truly feel HAPPY with this person? This is the MOST iimportant question you need to ask yourself.

 

..Don't force something that doesn't seem right. In fact, it's in a person's time of suffering/need where he/she knows who their TRUE friends are. You're better off realizing these things now, rather than later, when you're completely heartbroken. Take the time to really reflect, because you deserve someone who truly loves you just as much as you love them. Honestly.

[BillyJean714]

Since the last post was my 666th post, I couldn't help it but to add one more thing :

 

Judging by the comments I read about your relationships with him, it doesn't sound like you're as happy as you should be. I could be wrong, but it seems like you're forcing yourself to feel happy with him, rather than genuinely feeling happy. It's like you're compromising so much of yourself, that when he hurts you with what he says and through his actions, you end up doubting yourself. You end up making excuses! How does it feel on your self-esteem? Not so great, is it? It's not about dumbing down and making yourself feel unworthy. Don't let it get to that point. It's about realizing what your gut's saying.

 

In this situation, if he were in your shoes, would you have done the same to him? Tell him that he's "crazy" and that "I don't want to go near you." He could've said something along the lines of, "Oh..my baby has a pink eye..Is there something I can do for you? Purchase Clear Eyes? Anything?" Instead of basically saying, "Ew..gross. You're sick. Can you give me some space? You're pissing me off with your whining. Go deal with it...ta ta..We'll talk LATER."

 

I'm not talking about a prince charming fairy-tale here, BUT, when someone "cares" for you, they don't go around making comments like that. If the shoe don't fit, don't force it. If you love him, make it CLEAR that the way he talks to you, seems like something's changed.

 

Besides, you're not crazy. If anything, it's probably your intiuition that's telling you something you need to realize. Good luck with your situation. I REALLY hope things will work out for the best!

[ElektraHere]

BJ

 

I wouldn't lay all the blame on the b/f here. If you go back and read Martha's post I would say this guy has had alot of patience with how she wants this relationship to be.

 

I would say just like I did before this whole relationship and your actions Martha that have worn thin with him.

 

I do agree with Billy in one regards when a person is not happy then they do compromise a part of themselves. Martha on the whole I would say this relationship is just limping along aren't you getting a bit tired of it all? It seems like your b/f has grown tired.

[xmrth]

I don't really know how to get a grip on this as I have on other things. I didn't start getting all overly emotional until maybe November-ish, and a couple times a month since then, and more recently it's been a while in between.

 

I can't handle it sometimes because he sees it as we have plenty of other times in the future to do things (if I'm sick, or it this or that doesn't go according to plans) but I can handle it... I feel like everything has to be perfect. I guess I treat a lot of our time together as the last time we'll see eachother. A lot to do with wanting to leave him with a really good lasting impression over the week until we get to see eachother next.

 

I can see he's getting tired of the emotional breakdown sort of things, but I don't know how to help it sometimes. I thought this was just so out there that I had a right to get so upset... I mean, I get a bad cold and he'll kiss me, but wouldn't because I had pink eye (and it's not because I looked gross or anything because it's all light now and only in one eye anyway)

 

But I don't know what to do to help the situation. I don't know how to reverse it... if I get really upset about something I've tried just sucking it up and not getting upset, but it kind of doesn't get easier. I wish I didn't care-- I used to never get so worked up about things but now in recent times I do so much. I don't know what to do to help the situation. It's so 'square one'.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

You won't like what i have to say either, but when a relationship gets to the point of emotional breakdown too often, it's time for that relationship to end. Obviousely neither of you seem happy at all, and perhaps it's time that you end it so you can both feel better. This may not sound like something you want to consider, but hey i've been there and done that with the emotional self and insensitive boyfriend stuff, and ultimately he ended it.

[RayKay]

Martha,

 

Whether you see someone ONLY on the weekends, 5 times a week, or once a year, you cannot make every interaction perfect, relationships are not perfect. You focus so much on things being perfect, that when a curveball comes your way you just let it perpetuate your fears and insecurity.In a normal, healthy relationship, honestly little things like this should not ruin the entire weekend, or week, or have you feeling this low.

 

I think a lot of your insecurity comes from the fact that you do "force" things in this relationship - you force yourself to be an "ideal" so he stays, and you settle for less and less everyday. At the same time, you make excuses for him too if anyone does say that this relationship is not healthy. I think in your heart you sense you two are not on the same wavelength, that this relationship is more or less guided by HIM, rather then being a partnership. You are so worried about losing him, that you compromise yourself tremendously, and the reason you get so worked up is because you cannot bear for him to maybe see through that.

 

At the same time, I do think your bf does have responsibility in all this too, he separates you from most of his life, compartmentalizes you and keeps you from friends and his social life - NOT a good sign. He also "convinces" you to change your own desires in some ways - like those for time together, or to get married or live together. You go along with it to make him happy.

 

I think this relationship has been going in the wrong direction for a while, but neither of you is ready to break it off or make the changes necessary to to either work on it, or move on from one another. All I can say is when your partner is stressed out by you and complains you cry too much and suck the life out of him - it is not a positive sign.

 

RayKay

[BillyJean714]

E,

 

I prefer if my screen name isn't used in context of something so disrespectful. I would appreciate it if you DON'T make a mockery of it. Thanks!

 

Martha,

 

You can't go on "trying" to please him. It's about how you feel about your own self. Stay in a relatonship where it feels like a "partnership", like you're both in it together to be the "best of friends." It's not about power, control..none of it (as expressed in some relationship tips that some people give that are so falsely assumed). It's about BOTH people enjoying each other.

 

Life is already tough as is. You don't want someone who will pull you down.

[xmrth]

Today was so much better than last night. After sleeping on it too, I realized I was acting irrational, though even he was, but because I'm so sensitive I was even more.

 

I get afraid of getting like this other times because even though he wants to just put it behind him and deal with each day with me, I know it wears on him and is possibly effecting other aspects of our relationship because I just absolutely cannot handle a time with him gone wrong. I just can't.... I'm going to try thinking like him and how there's always next time.

 

I'm just really afraid of what's been worn down in him from me, and how to really know. I don't know what is serious. I feel like it's along the lines of taking him for granted, but I know what I have with him. It's really just me pushing the limits but it's like... I almost feel like I can't believe in the limits. He really has been overly patient with me as it has been said on here, even in other threads. I don't want his patience to wear out, and don't know WHAT to do because it must be wearing so thin. I know only I can know, but.... really I don't know. I feel like I can still keep pushing it and I can't stop.... I don't know what to do to suck it up and be normal.

 

I feel insecure in a way that is me now finding every little thing wrong with me because of the fear. I think that's another part of me breaking down too is because I feel like whatever it is has been shown, on top of the initial reason.

 

Martha

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Martha, I know your hoping next time will be different, but I really do think you should give the relationship a break until your secure enough to come back to it and not have these problems.

[xmrth]

I really don't think that's what I need.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I know, I didn't either. My ex recently left me because I often acted in a similar fashion. It probably wouldn't have hurt so bad, had he not told me that the main reason was because he had lost ALL feelings for me a long time ago due to acting like your acting. Just protect your heart Xmrth, thats all i'm saying.

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

I don't understand why you post then? Your relationship is a mess girl and you are too. Your losing yourself and its about time you get back on track. It isn't getting better it's only getting worse.

[xmrth]

I think it was more of a mess before I got a level head and getting into therapy and coming on here a lot.

Before it was like, all this uncertainty ALL of the time, all day, every day. Now it's me relaxing, doing other things, going a day or two without the need to give him a call and just having my life. It feels so good. I've actually started to see the old messed up and consumed 'me' in my friend and her relationship which not to sound horrible, is like a breath of fresh air to me to see how far I've come.

But then stupid things like this happen and then I am a mess. It takes literally a week for the feeling to go away because then I get all these worries of the horrible impression I leave and things like that. I feel critical of myself because of other things in my life really... and I feel like this just 'tops it off,' from my home life, and financial state. I just feel like any problem is amplified because of this. That, and I really don't want to make his time with me unenjoyable.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Xmrth, you can think of every way your relationship is better or worse than it once was, but were all just trying to spare you from pain.

[xmrth]

... what are you even talking about?

 

We may as well not even be talking about me, here. Once again, I post a topic, and people start going, no no no, your relationship sucks, you're defending this and that, you don't see what's really going on. I feel almost sorry that I'm continuing in here because we may as well not even be talking about me, but some other-- person. I think people need to understand that sometimes you just want advice on what you're asking. I don't want to sit here talking about all this old crap I don't even care about anymore. But then of course, I'm selling myself short, adjusting my life for him when I'm not. I don't see what's really going on, all of that, yeah. I can just imagine how this is going.

 

It makes me never want to post on my concerns again, I guess I'll just stick to helping. I know where this is going and I don't think anyone should waste their time on me anymore. I'm sorry... I'm just really frustrated. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate anything, but I feel like I'm wasting people's time and I don't want to do that to any of you.

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

Is that a healthy way to respond to people who are seeing what you so obviously are not? Like I said before why post if you don't want to hear the responses? All your posts have to do with exactly the same thing and all the responses respond the same way.

 

You are living in lala land if you think your relationship is healthy. It's time to take the rose colored glasses off and start seeing it for what it is.....very dysfunctional and ready to implode any minute.

[xmrth]

Well, let me put it this way:

what is so wrong with my relationship?

What about it is hard to understand that I like?

 

I feel like these things get skipped over and it's just BOOM you this, you that, out of nowhere.

 

I'm willing to hear what it is that is bad in my relationship that I'm not seeing. I almost feel like some things are not caught up with how things are now. I feel like these things said are more appropriate for back when, and not for now.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

We understand that there are good parts of the relationship that we don't hear about, but trust me honey I just came out of arelationship that i wore rose colored glasses in. Your not happy, if you were you wouldn't come to us for help or need like you needed to vent so often. Check my old threads, all about the same guy, all sounding like you.

 

I'm with Elektra on this one.

[xmrth]

It's not that I'm unhappy, but I'm not sure how I'm being seen and I feel like I'm just embarrassing myself, like you all think I'm so crazy. I asked for so much advice on things because I had such bad anxiety, and now that I no longer do, I see more clearly. And it's like everything sounds like it's still so intense as it was, when I'm just wanting to know how to not cry when things don't go well one night, you know? Just to talk, just to make good use of the privilege to post on here and talk to people who are interested in relationships and things like that.

 

So it's like... what's bad that I don't see? I feel like a lot of old things get bumped into the mix and it's like here we go again, I don't mind this, or I got over that... but then it's bad that I have not let this or that bother me. I don't know if we're all on the same page sometimes.

[ElektraHere]

1.Whenever your b/f wants to be on his own you throw a fit and say "but we only see each other on weekends.

2. He doesn't include you in his life.

3. You are emotionally draining on him.

4. Your highly emotional over the smallest of things.

5. You are posting here about the same thing over and over asking if this is normal or if this seems right.

6. If you were happy and confident you would have a job, you would have your own life, you would have said enough of this relationship.

7. I think he is on auto-pilot and waiting until he can get out.

 

Should I continue??