What now?

[Taurusgirl]

I have become friends with a co-worker after he started flirting with me. I began talking with him and getting to know him better and found that he's a great guy. We went for dinner after work, just as friends and to talk outside of the work environment and I learned that he seems to be the kind of guy that enjoys chasing women he is attracted to and once the chase is over and he settles into a relationship, it has only lasted 7 or 8 months(he is 27). It could be of course he has chased the wrong women and that's why none of his relationships have lasted, but it scared me and the next day after our dinner(which went very well, good conversation, good chemistry, etc) I emailed him something like this: I had a great time last night.....I thought maybe we could be more than friends, but i think that you enjoy the chase too much and I don't think I could bear it if things didn't work out between us and we couldn't talk anymore and we were awkward around each other.

 

In his reply, he only said that "we are friends" and he didn't comment on anything else that pertained to us possibly dating. We are still good friends, we've gone out again after work for dinner (when the bill came, he said "will you let me pay for this?" and i said, "no, you can't")and we had a great time again. Here is my problem....I've changed my mind and I would like him to ask me out on a real date, but twice now I've told him I only want to be friends! I am scared that he still has feelings for someone else and he won't give us his full attention. He has admitted that he'll probably always have feelings for her, but that he knows it's time to move on.

 

Should I tell him i've changed my mind and ask him out? I really need some advice.

[DN]

Should I tell him i've changed my mind and ask him out?

Yes - but bear in mind there is a risk. But then, there is always a risk in any relationship.

[whatchamacallit]

Maybe you could help him get over her? That's a possiblity. It would take great patience and time on your part. All depends on if HE'S worth the chase...for YOU.

[Taurusgirl]

I do think that he is worth it. We have so much in common, have already become good friends, and there is a strong attraction between us.

 

I think I will wait and see if he asks me out(as friends again) and if/when he does, I'll make a comment like, "why don't we go on a real date instead"...and see if he bites.......

 

Good plan?

[loveydovey]

Well, just make sure its really what you want. Be as decisive as possible when disclosing your feelings to him. If you tell him once and for all that you want to go out on an actual date then let it be. And if you change your mind again, just don't say anything at all....just let things flow naturally.

 

Because think about it.....whether you verbalize something or not, whatever will be will be; if feelings develop between you two then it won't matter whether or not you said you only wanna be friends.....9 times out of 10 you won't be able to deny your attraction to each other.

[Taurusgirl]

I think that you are right loveydovey. Here's a little wrench in my problem. The girl he is stuck on is also a "friend" that he met at his last job. She had a boyfriend but still spent time with him as friends, not romantically. He has spent almost 2 years hoping she'll finally realize that they can be more than friends even though she is now on her 3rd boyfriend since knowing him. He says he has accepted that she is stringing him along, but his feelings are so strong for her they over rule his brain and he is holding onto the thought that one day, she will pick him as her next boyfriend. That's why I'm scared and that's why I said I just want to be friends. So now he could be thinking, here we go again, another girl I'm interested in and she just wants to be friends too!

[btbt]

I'm a little bothered by his curt response to your text message. Admittedly the whole thing about "you chase too much" put him on the defensive, but his simple reply "we are friends" sounds like a loud and clear message (a guy offering to pay for a meal doesn't mean he's interested). Even if he is interested, he's doesn't sound very open and honest. I mean, why didn't he address your concerns in the text message?

[Taurusgirl]

I wish I knew why he didn't respond to my concerns. Maybe he didn't want to acknowledge he was interested too, since I had just finished saying I only wanted to be friends with him. Why would he chase me if he wasn't interested? JUST for the chase? because he was bored? I think he is interested, but there are complications. Maybe he's being cautious and waiting for the complications to end? Why would he have dinner with me, twice now, if he wasn't interested? He has lots of other friends to have dinner with. I just don't know.

[lizylyz]

Thats complicated.

If he's still waiting on this girl, you can try and help him get over her. getting his mind of her and getting to know you might make him realise that he doesn't want her anymore.

I'd suggest you help him get over the girl by making him face the truth: she doesn't want him. Then ask him on a date, but be careful you're not the rebound girl.

 

Just figure out whether you want to risk your friendship, and whether you can get over him not wanting more from you (if it comes to that) and get over it so you can still be friends.

[btbt]

It's not clear from your first message that he is "chasing" you. Sounds like his flirting, but dinner is harmless. It does sound like he is attracted to you (I mean, why not have dinner with a fun, attractive girl instead of alone or with the same old friends?), but just from what you have said I think you are overstating his interest in you. If he were really chasing you, he'd be at your door with flowers, calling you all the time and making it clear in no uncertain terms that he likes you. It doesn't sound like he is doing these things and his message to you ("we are friends") is not what a chasing person does.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it would be bad if you got hurt because you were overthinking his moves and not seeing the clear signals that he not interested. Actually, sounds like he is interested, but is playing around -- which is worse.

[Taurusgirl]

Thanks btbt. I didn't want to get into the complications, but they are an important part of our relationship. I was engaged when we met....to our boss' brother. We both didn't want our boss to think that the reason I called off the engagement was an interest in my co-worker. It wasn't.... it was a long time coming(we'd been together 10 years, probably 5 years too many!). My x-fiance and I are still living in our house until it is sold, which is fine as it is an amicable split and we are adults and still friends. So I can understand why my co-worker isn't calling me at home and bringing me flowers! Still, with his leftover feelings for his "friend" and my current living arrangement, it doesn't seem like either one of us is ready for a new relationship just yet. I think I'll let it be and continue our relationship the way it is because we have become good friends and we communicate well, so at the very least if there is a relationship in the future we are already off to a great start.