just venting.

[teacup]

ever since the abuse that happened to me. i haven't been quite right in the head. i dont know what is exactly wrong either but it's just gotten worse. i freak out a lot......think ppl are going to hurt me, feel raped, feel traumatized, feel dirty, feel ashamed, feel blamed, feel gross and ugly and disgusting, feel like a bad awful person, feel like no one ever wants me, feel rotten, degraded, do stupid things, get involved with even more abusive ppl, my mind is unfocused and unclear, i get frightened when someone is mad at me, i cant trust my instincts, im scared the abuser will come back to try and finish me off (kill me, stalk me or abuse me), he still trys to come back in my life and to continue to abuse - can barely talk to him for even a minute before i notice he is playing his old control games, i have cut him off permanently, i suffer loneliness, depression, anxiety, fear, i keep thinking i am dying of a disease (hiv) caused him or some abuser, i feel no one will ever believe me or stick up for me, i cry easily, my emotions are out of balance and out of whack, i cant concentrate, i eat too much, i make excuses, i dont look at my own actions, i get paranoid and think others are out to get me, im unable to form lasting connections with healthy ppl, i think ppl are avoiding me on aim, i get suspicious.....

 

im a walking bag of issues. hey i used to be mildly depressed because of all the bullying and isolation and getting teased for no reason (except racisim and mabe cuz i was too nice). but ever since that crazy guy, i've been a million times worse, emotionally, mentally, psychologically....it's starting to take a toll on my physical health......im really freaking out a lot......i think some of it may be ptsd, where i relive the events and freak out even more.

 

the worst thing about abuse is that.....the abuser puts up this image of being a "nice" and "charming" guy to everyone else, especially in public or with his friends and family. then no one believes you when u tell them about the abuse or hurt or violence.....he only does it in private when nobody can see it or hear it, so you have no proof. the abuser knows he can get away it because nobody is around when he abuses. and since a lot of this abuse is mental, emotional, verbal, psychological torture.....the scars are inside you.

 

my scars are opening up. im freaking out. tormented.

[annie24]

what is your plan to heal?

[ElektraHere]

You need to seek some serious help if all that you say is true. Posting here will not help you.

[annie24]

or it may help, but it is not enough. you need to meet regularly with a therapist to work out your issues.

[teacup]

elektrahere, i respectfully ask you not to respond to any of my posts because i feel like i am being CUT down each and every single time i have read any reply of yours.

 

annie24 - i go to school, work, take meds, go to therapy once a week (each week), and stay distant from men. i spend time with my mom and sister and sometimes female friends or older females. i rant and write a lot, and pray. and i never have anything to do with the abuser - never want any association or contact.

 

but im still pretty sick.....i know i am not well. what other steps to healing would be advisable?

[annie24]

what advice has your therapist given you? how long have you been on meds? sometimes they can take a while until you start to feel better.

[teacup]

my therapist says it's going to be a slow and gradual process. i've been on meds for months. i think these trauma symptoms are starting to resurface because im in a safer situation now, so all that i suppressed......my inner demons are coming to the surface to chase me.

[annie24]

yeah, it will take a while - you have to deal with everything that therapy is dredging up. But, it will get better once you sort everything out.

 

take care

[ElektraHere]

I am sorry that you feel I am cutting on you. That is your perception and not my intentions. It seems to me that you want someone to tell you what you want to hear. I am sorry but I am direct and not one that dances around issues. I stand by what I say and you need some intensive therapy. If you choose to wallow you will never move forward and your decisions will constantly disappoint you.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

the fear can be bad, but remember it helps to just try to live life the best you can anyway, you can do your best to avoid him (a good idea..) but you can't control him, remember, at least now you have your independence, that's something...

[Bethany]

......my inner demons are coming to the surface to chase me.

 

The way to deal with demons is not by shrinking back and letting them take over you, it's by looking them in the eye and staring them out. It's also called facing your fear.

[Daddy Bear]

aww, teacup. you're feeling all the things that nobody should ever have to feel, and you have my total sympathy. you are not dirty, etc. and no way does it make someone a bad awful person just because a bad awful thing happened to them.

 

definitely stick with the meds and therapy, they're probably the best tools for helping you to dismantle those demons and get back to the calm, happy place where you belong. once you have done that, you should find that you have defeated your external tormentor forever as well.

 

you can and will do it.

 

so let us know how your progress comes along!