I have made a huge mistake

[lilac_indi]

Hi everyone,

this is my story. i am a 21 year old indian girl. seven months back i was normal, i was doing well at uni, i had a job and life was good. i met someone at my work and he was three years younger than me. i was 20 then. i liked him and he liked me but neither of us knew. i knew what i was getting myself into because i am an indian girl and i was not supposed to have a boyfriend because i was supposed to have an arranged marriage. the more i got to know him the more i fell for him and i had no idea he felt the same way.

 

We became good friends straight away and i realised that i wanted to be with him badly. We eventually got together although i had to keep it a secret from my family. It killed me to lie to them but i had to. Eventually tho i knew that i had to tell my family about him, i really wanted to be with him and i wanted my family to be happy for me. They didnt take it that way atall, instead they threatened to disown me if i didnt end it with him. They made me quit my job and even took away my phone to stop me having contact with him.

 

i continued seeing him despite my family's warnings and i got caught out again and this time it was ten times worse. i got called everything under the sun and i got spat on my face, telling me i deserved it.

 

Just recently, i made a huge mistake that has changed his feelings towards me completely. i met up with him and we had a great day, although he was starting to doubt as to whether i was 100% in this relationship because of all that was happening with my family. Eventually he told me that he wanted a break and i couldnt handle it, i just wantedt the pain to go away so i walked towards the edge of the train station platform. He pulled me back then started screaming at me and told me that ive changed and never wanted to see me again. Im so distraught. I just dont know what to do. I want him back but he's been really nasty to me. He's been calling me horrible names and lying about me. What can i do? please help me.

[sonjam]

Lilac, if hes rude and ugly towards you, then he doesn't deserve to be with a good girl like you. Time now to sit back, cry about everything, think it over, and start healing that broken heart of yours. It will be no use to try and convince him to change, he obviously already decided you are not meant to be.

 

I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you!

[arwen]

Lilac, I think he was just using your situation as an excuse to break things off. He is 17 years old, and imaginably he is not mature enough to cope with a relation that has so many consequences in your family. I can imagine that from his side, but is is rude of him to suggest YOU changed. I think he is just not able to handle this situation, the pressure on the relationship is too high. You didn't make a mistake. Things just didn't turn out they way either of you hoped they would. I hope you will soon feel better about things and reconciliate with your family. Are you from the states or from India? I can imagine the prospect of an arranged marriage is very hard for your to accept. Maybe if you talk with your parents, they might at least come to a sort of middle way (letting you date with whom you chose, but with their consent after meeting the boy for example?)

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

At 21, you arn't a girl..you are a woman.

 

Is an arranged marriage something YOU believe in?

 

I'm really sorry to hear that it ended badly, you risked your family reacting adversely to be with him, and it was a gamble you lost...but I agree with Ilse, 17 is very young and he wasnt able to say that he didnt think it was working out for whatever reason and just used your situation as an excuse. Either way, do not be with someone who starts screaming at you when you are upset, you can't really trust unstable people.

[CarnelianButterfly]

After what you've gone through to be with him, his response was shallow and immature. You should be treated better! You deserve happiness and freedom. I know it can be hard to go against your family's wishes, but maybe its time for you to break free of them. Use this as a way for you to become who you are and not what they want you to be. This guy was worthless and I'm so sorry you had to deal with him. Put him behind you and use your pain to give you strength to go forward and prosper, even if it is alone.

[Ash]

You walked toward the edge of the train platform, but would you have continued in front of a train? Was this a very momentary act to show an intense feeling of hurt or anger towards this boy or do you feel suicidal in general? I think this is an issue you need to address if you do feel suicidal now despite anything else going on. First thing to take care of is you.

 

As for arranged marriages, boyfriends and dating, I think this is a generalized issue you need to deal with. Do you believe in all of this (as another responder has asked)? I realize this is likely a cultural expectation placed on you by your parents and there are huge ramifications either way whether you agree or disagree. You do have the right to choose how you live your life. Having said that, I believe this choice should be made not for a specific person, but should be made in general. You need to make this decision without a particular person in mind. This decision on which direction you want to head is for the rest of your life. If you decide to have boyfriends, date and not be a party to an arranged marriage it certainly does not mean the next person you meet will be the last.

 

Once the first two issues are dealt with, then the question of what you want to do with the person you have just broken up with can be addressed. Do you actually want him back? It was difficult to tell from what you were saying. From the very quick glimpse we've seen of the situation it would appear perhaps that's not the best thing, and maybe you should let it go. His initial request to break things off, coupled with his very negative actions lately would suggest that perhaps this would not be a fulfilling relationship. Don't sell yourself short, just because of your families beliefs, the way you have been treated by them and very recently by this other person should not in any way diminish what you feel you can deserve and expect from a boyfriend or mate. You are every bit of worthy of a decent, well intentioned, thoughtful and loving partner as anybody else is. Keep that in mind and don't settle for anything less than what you consider the best.

 

You have an awful lot going on in your life. I think the key is to break it into manageable, understandable pieces and deal with them one at a time. The sum of it all can be quite overwhelming. You don't need to do it all at once. And if all of this isn't enough, there is still university and a job (any chance you can take some time off work?). You need to concentrate on your studies and none of the rest of this is helping. Getting some of the other things going on in your life resolved will help with that too.

 

Good luck on all of this.

[coooolsome]

PM me and lets talk.

[lilac_indi]

Thank you to everyone for answering.

It is very difficult trying to move on. The thing is though, i dont blame him for hating me like that. What i did at the train station was foolish and selfish. i dont feel any bitterness towards him. there is more that i did not tell you guys about which i am embarrassed about. i sent him a lot of txt msgs saying i was sorry and he didnt reply then he sent me a very abusive txt saying i used him and that i enjoyed doing that and he would see me in hell. i cudnt take that so i went to his house just after 10 at nite without tellin my folks n i didnt take my fone. my mum foned his family a lot to ask where i was n they were getting angry. i didnt know all of this till afterwards. his dad shouted at my mum n aunt sayin he wud go to the police for harassment. when i got to his house he didnt seem bothered, he was in his boxers n his dad shouted at me, saying if i ever showed up again i 'would be sorry'. i sat on the pavement n cried then i started running home, my head was soo messed up i lost my way n i was panicking cos it was soo late. i ended up goin to this stranger's house to fone my family to say i was okay. they picked me up but they were not happy, they shouted n bawled at me n my mum failed to acknowledge me as her daughter. i was cryin n screamin sayin i was sorry. i got told later that he talked to my cousin n sed that he was tryin to get rid of me for ages n called me an attention seeker. next day i didnt go into uni at all.

 

the day after i managed to muster some courage and went to the train station, i stood ther and i relived wot i had done and i cudnt take it and got my dad to pick me up agen. that weekend was my 21st pary n i was not happy - i felt guilty for wot i did to him. little did i know he went and told everyone at work wot happened between us - he was laughing. my cousin works with him and she told me all that he sed. he tore strips off me.

 

a week later i check my uni emails n i got one from him which was sent the day after that incident at the station happened. he called me 'angel', askin wher i went after i was at his house, sayin he was worried bout me n that he was sorry bout his parents reaction. he claims he came out five mins afterwards to search for me which is rubbish cos i sat at the pavement near his house for bout 10 mins crying. he then claims he ended up in edinburgh wher he spent the nite on a park bench dreamin of me n him. rubbish! he told my cousin he was at his cousins. he lies so much. God knows how many of his lies i fell for. i feel like an idiot.

he was soo polite n nice n the email n he then ripped me to shreads 2 days later at work. i dont get him. wot is he trying to achieve?

 

despite wanting to hate him i cant. i really want to cos he sed so many cruel things at work - trying to gain the sympathy vote from everyone ther. however, i am not like him, i have not badmouthed him n i never will. i wish him all the best in the future wotever he does.

 

now i am trying to win back my family's trust. i am trying to concentrate on my education. despite all that has happened, i will never forget him, you never get over your first love. but as they say, time is the greatest healer and i am sure i will get through this.

 

thank you everyone once agen

 

lilac_indi

xx

[Ash]

Hopefully it helps you a little to get some of this out and written down like this. It's part of the healing process. Everything seemed to come to a head all in a very short period of time and it sounds like you overloaded and couldn't take it for a few hours. What you descibe has been extremely emotional and has taken a toll.

 

Take a little bit of time and concentrate on how you feel about things, try to get a good idea of where you'd like your life to go in general. Take some time to greive and heal. Then perhaps set some short term and long term achievable goals.

 

It seems the worst is past. You will miss him for sure, but you'll get past all of this and it should hurt a little less each day.

[lilac_indi]

i feel ashamed when i think about it now, i feel like i was desperate. he is walking around now acting like i cant live without him. he is soo smug. my cousin is suspicious that he is seeing someone else. good luck to him. he claimed he was gna change his number so i cudnt get in touch wi him. he then sent me a txt by mistake which was supposed to be for his mate. if he hates me that much, if he doesnt want anything to do with me then y keep my number? another lie. when my cus told him not to get in touch wi me his response was 'am i f***ing stupid?'. he then sed that he wud not go against his family n sed his family hates me n so does he. im guessin he is also annoyed cos no one at work believed him bout wot happened btwn me n him - no one likes him at work n i was popular wi everyone plus my cus denied everything he sed n everyone believed her over him.

 

maybe he will get bored n stop. n he calls me an attention seeker! i cant help but still love him for the good times that we had together n i will keep them safe with me. i just hope he grows up a bit.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Break contact with this guy. For your own good, stay away from him, he is a bad person and will only cause you more grief. If he ever tries to approach you or talk to you, walk away. There is nothing to say to him, he's not worth your breath! I have a feeling he did all this as a sick little power trip, don't ever trust him again and don't ever let him talk you into coming back, being friends, or anything. He is persona non grata.

[lilac_indi]

i know this is gonna sound crazy carnelianbutterfly, but i dont think he is that bad a person - its just his level of immaturity thats all. i caused him grief by wot i did to him at the train station and he didnt deserve that. wot i dont understand is that to others he is slagging me but to me he calls me 'angel' and is soo polite. i dont know. however, if i ever was to see him again, i wont approach him, the memories of wots happened is still painful. his dad's warnings r still ringing in my ears as well.

 

he has also been warned not to approach me by my family. i dont think there is a chance for us ever. i will just live with the good memories that we shared when we were together n smile. i feel no hatred towards him n good luck to him in the future. i hope he will find someone he will be happy with..someone with no baggage, a stress-free relationship. he is not all bad a person...there was something i saw in him to make me love him like ive never loved anyone else. a part of me will always love him. i dont know wot i will do if i run into him again, we live in the same area. i wont acknowledge him, i think it is better if i do stay away. i know i wont be able to avoid him if i do see him but i know he wont try to approach me cos his dad wont tolerate it and neither will mine. all good things come to an end and the time that we had together was special.