kghoops Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 My girlfriend has told me that she doesn't invite me out when she goes out with her friends (mostly guys) because I don't have enough in common with them. She thinks that we will have nothing to talk about because of our difference in interests. I've been out with her and them a few times and it's true that I haven't said much but I am more of a listener than a talker so it's hard for me to strike up a conversation to begin with since I'm somewhat on the shy side. Nothing ever seems to pop into my head. That's just my personality but it seems like I am coming off like a jerk or I'm too good for them. Is there anything I can do about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Yes, change your girlfriend and find one who cares enough about you not to treat you like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AwdreeHpburn Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Good call DN!! And nicely worded. I agree dude, that's so NOT cool of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 It doesn't seem right for her to exclude you even if she thinks you don't have anything in common. Has she ever given you a chance to be with her friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shyanne Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 i don't think that's a good thing and i wouldn't be happy. before kids, my husband would always go out to bars with me and my friends unless he had to work.. a lot of times.... he was the only guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kghoops Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Yeah, we've all gone out a few times together but I could count those times on 1 hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I would ask her to include you in her life more and give it a shot. You're spending time with her and her friends just happen to be there too. You don't have to be best buds with them, but you can't get to know them without exposure to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 It sounds too much to me like an excuse for why she doesn't want you around when she is out with her friends, male or otherwise. If she wants to keep her friends separate from her relationship that is one thing - but to make excuses like that seems fishy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kghoops Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 She has told me that she wants to slow things down so I don't know if this is part of it. I just hate the fact that the thought of her sneaking around on me is creeping into my head because of this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Relationships are built on trust and understanding, if there are holes in either, then there are going to be problems. If you don't feel happy with the situation tell her and if it doesn't change then find someone who will treat you better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyJean714 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I would dump her if I were you. She's saying, "You're NOT good enough to be around her friends"?? She sounds a bit on the selfish side. Kick her to the side of the curb. She should be proud to be with you, not ashamed. Obviously, if you meant something to her, she would in FACT, openly invite you to meet and hang out with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 It seems that DUMP is the unanimous verdict here! Now there's another side of the story to consider. You don't give your ages, status or length of the relationship but these all affect the situation in one way or another. So does the frequency of these nights out. Many couples these days keep separate social lives, even when the relationship is established, either by length or living arraangements. Typically for married couples (or long term live-in relationships) this is about once per week to once per month. Personally, I wouldn't consider this excessive. For relationships that are yet to be established as long-term, it is actually sensible to maintain separate social lives, as it gives you both a bolt-hole if/when the relationship splits. One of the things I found REALLY hard when my marriage broke up is that my ex-wife's friends and mine had merged into a single group and I was left out. Now you've met her friends, so you know who they are but she's maintained them as HER friends and not yours. Depending on the status of the relationship that may not be a bad thing in itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kghoops Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 I'm 26, she's 23 and I've been out with her and her friends about 3-4 times and we have been going out now for 3 months if that helps any. She has 2 sets of friends she usually hangs out with. She keeps them separate because they don't have anything in common she tells me. The one group, I haven't hung out with at all and the excuse she gave me was about not having anything in common with them and I would be bored and not like it. My complaint to her is that she isn't even giving me a chance in the first place. Also, around the time she said she wanted to slow things down is when she has wanted to hang out with her friends and not invite me along. It doesn't help much that her group of friends that I've met includes her ex-boyfriend whom she is still friends with. Last night she said she would call me later because I asked her if she wanted to do something. I never heard from her and I found out that she went over to play cards at her ex's house with some people. She was too tired to drive home and she said she slept on his couch but she has done this once before. I want to believe her but am I being played like a fiddle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Thanks. This helps a lot. At the 3 month stage it's still very early and you're not an established relationship yet. If you REALLY like her, this is a tough time. Many people are not even "exclusive" at this stage. I think you both need to establish the boundaries here. I think after 3 months you should both communicate where you're going and with who. The ex bit bothers me, unless someone else was also sleeping there. Some people are friends with exes and even many people say NOT being friends with any exes is a red flag (doesn't bother me, though). What you also haven't said is how often she sees friends without you. Again, there's no rules but I'd say if you've been dating anyone less than an hour's drive for 3 months, you'd be seeing each other at least 3 times per week. If either of you are seeing friends more often than you see each other, it could be that you're not as into each other as you think. So, to sum up, the ex bit is the main worry. If she's evasive about him, there's something to hide. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dating Coach Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 My girlfriend has told me that she doesn't invite me out when she goes out with her friends (mostly guys) because I don't have enough in common with them. She thinks that we will have nothing to talk about because of our difference in interests. I've been out with her and them a few times and it's true that I haven't said much but I am more of a listener than a talker so it's hard for me to strike up a conversation to begin with since I'm somewhat on the shy side. Nothing ever seems to pop into my head. That's just my personality but it seems like I am coming off like a jerk or I'm too good for them. Is there anything I can do about this? Yes there is something you can do. Put your goddamn foot down. I consider that disrespectful to the highest degree, and a bit suspicious. My fiance' would never DREAM of telling me that i cannot hang out with her and her guy friends. NEVER. Why? Because she wouldn't like it if I had a bunch of friends that were girls, and I hung out with them all of the time, never inviting her. It's HUGELY disrespectful, and it makes you look like a fool. I will never tolerate a relationship with someone who makes me look like a fool. What you do is tell her that you would never do this to her (going out with a bunch of girls and not inviting her), and thus she should never do this to you. It's not even a trust issue, although if a partner must hang out with members of the opposite sex and not invite their partner it IS hugely suspicious, but the main point is that ditching you like this and dismissing you is disrespectful. If a girl kept doing this, i would kick her * * * to the curb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dating Coach Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Just read this post. You are being made a fool by this girl. Save your dignity and ditch this girl. This is very disrespectful, and her wanting to slow things down is a big time red flag. In fact, she is probably hoping you will be man enough to dump her yourself so she won't have to deal with it. Even if that is not the case, she is going to end up losing respect for you not being able to stand up for yourself here. Personally, if I really liked her, I would call her out on this BS, stand up for myself. My next step would be based upon her actions. If she showed a true remorse or understanding, I would work it out with her. If she tried to be ignorant or place blame on me, I would straight up ditch her right there on the spot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyJean714 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Also, around the time she said she wanted to slow things down is when she has wanted to hang out with her friends and not invite me along. It doesn't help much that her group of friends that I've met includes her ex-boyfriend whom she is still friends with. At first, when I read your post, I thought she was being a little beatch. But now that we have more info, I'm just sensing that she isn't quite being true to you. I'm not saying she's cheating or anything, but it sounds like you're more into the relationship than she is. Otherwise, she would respect your feelings as well. Instead of brushing you off like that, she would say, "Okay. If you want to hang out, feel free to come along." Something of that matter. Sounds like she totally neglects your opinions. Like I said, if you meant something to her, she wouldn't just say you can't. By her actions, you can tell the status of your relationship. For one thing, if you had a rockin relationship where the two of you totally click, then this situation would not be of concern. Her hanging out with her ex bf? I would DEFINITELY have a talk with her about this. If she's going to totally disregard how you feel, get the steppin and walk out. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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