PTSD from 16 years of sex abuse

[ufoureah]

My ex GF has been sexually molested by her maternal grandfather for 16 years. her dad was in a wheelchair so the kids were really not looked after properly. My ex was on Paxil a SSRI (antidepressant) and was drinking heavily behind my back to self medicate herself. She is extremely paranoid and insecure. She heads a State agency and employs 50 employees who respect and worship the ground she walks on, so there she can function on a high level. At home she reverts to a little girl and I have taken the mother role which I absolutely hate. She has had 2 dui's in the last 5 years, one just recently and is learning her faith in 3 days. She decided to quit taking her Paxil (30mg) cold turkey because she says it makes her numb and during an international trip I had to take, she has since moved out and is dating others already. She wants nothing to do with me. She quit the drugs 1 month ago and is drinking again. Seeking playmates. We had an active life with camping, hiking, whitewater rafting and exercise planned for the Spring and Summer. She lived in My home in the Suburbs and felt like she was loosing herself and that I was controlling. Yes I have aproblem with her drinking and taking Paxil. I tried to gently stop her not to appear controlling and she gets a DUI. She now blames me for not stopping her more aggressively.

Anyone ever experience anything like this.

We had fun, laughed, travelled, had great sex and companionship.

What do I do, I would like to be supportive but she is unreasonable and does not ant me to contact her. She will contact me in 6 months. This does not sound like her, she has many miserable friends who hated the fact that she was happy. They are all single and seeking.

What do i do now. I have done NC for 4 days but Iam going nuts. Iam making new friends and will get busy with my new life as soon as I get over the jetlag. She didn't even call to see if I arrived safely from Israel.

Please help, she was crazy about me, until 3 weeks ago. was she lying? she says she felt the feelings then, now she doesn't know how she feels, she is shut down. This woman could not leave my side for 2 seconds.

it is very frustrating

[SxcLady]

a few questions first ...

Whats DUI?

Whats PTSD?

How old are you both?

And are you her first sexual relationship?

 

Sorry...

[kellbell]

SxyLady...

 

PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

DUI- Driving Under the Influence

 

ufoureah,

 

I have interviewed persons with PTSD in the past. And many of those patients have had problems with alcohol and other illicit drugs for reasons you pointed out, to self-medicate. Has your ex girlfriend been to counselling? Her coming off Paxil explains her behavior. When you guys were ok together, she was taking the Paxil right? Research shows that persons suffering from PTSD tend to be numb emotionally and become avoidant. This may be what is happening with her. Also they can become detatched or feel estranged. Paxil was probably keeping those symptoms at bay. I do not think she was lying to you when you both were together. I think because she quit taking Paxil, her mental health is deterioating. Is there a family member of hers that you can call? Or maybe a friend. I know you mentioned she has many miserable friends but does she have close friend?

 

I can't help to wonder...did she have a flashback or did something trigger her symptoms? Did something happen at work? Sometimes a flashback or the person being in a reminder type of situation can bring forth a flood of symptoms.

 

At this point, as scarey and frustrated you are with her, there is not much you can do. I am so sorry about this. I have posted some links on PTSD and maybe these can be helpful. Let us know how you are doing.

 

(((hugs)))

 

 

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[SxcLady]

Thanks kellbell! (was a little lost there)

[kellbell]

ufoureah,

 

I was just looking through your posts from last summer and even in October of 2004. I am not sure I like what I read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

According to these posts, you have a history of being emotionally unstable, had restraining orders on you from past girlfriends, abusive behaviors, and obsessions.

 

So with those past posts in mind, have you hurt this person in any way? Because if she has been abused in her past and something happens to her to "remind" her, then all these symptoms are going to come flooding back. I can't help to wonder if there is a BIG piece of the puzzle missing here. Are you still in anger management classes? Are you getting the proper treatment for your ADHD?

[AzureSkyes69]

I was wondering if your ex GF has ever got any kind of therapy?It seems to me that someone who has gone through what she has needs to talk to a professional.All of her fears,phobias etc are because of her abuse.she takes drugs for depression because of what has happened to her in the past.now she seems like she drinks heavily as well she sounds like she drinks to numb her feelings and uses it as a escape mechinism.You said she also drinks and drives ,she is not only putting herself in danger but others as well. you need to get her some help.

[ufoureah]

Kellbell, Thank you for your detailed response, my b4 this one was amom who dumped all of her motherly responsibilities on me and was refusing me sexually. I had a rage episode for the first time and pushed her and she left me. we have since become friends, she apologize, I know I made a huge mistake, but then is when i found out I had ADHD.I take Ritalin everyday and am under control.

In this relationship my father who is 80 lives in my home. She moved in after 3 months of knowing me.. very quickly. She would not leave my side. My policy is if you have lemons, make lemonade, so it was soon, make the best of it. I would have the day off and she'd stay home too. Lots of phonecalls and notes.. extremely sticky. It also was a bit much for me. I took on the mother role, because she started to act weird, I thought she was eating too much candy, becasue she reaked of ketones. So i nagged and yes I told her what to do and yes she was in MY house so that could be depressing. She is not close to her family, her dad, her favourite had MS and was in a wheelchair all of her life and he died 8 years ago. She has $50000 in bills and I helped her get that organized and on a paying schedule. iam 42 and she 47. She deals with million dollar budgets at work and at home she is an irresponsible child. She once attacked me physically when she was taking Ativan for dental surgery and was drinking at the time, that is when I found out she had been drinking for almost our whole relationship.

I nurtured this woman, trusted her, forgave her, gave all i could give, love her still. I do not know who she is. I used to be her everything. I look good and have my stuff together, am learning about new things everyday. I think Psychiatric people need love too, yes I have control issues, because she did not have it together I thought her being a boss at work would have her follow thru to be the same at home. I just happen to love this one and I really would like her back. I know I can't have her now, she is pretty atomate about not even talking to me, I haven't even tried to. I today willbe 5 days that I even send an e-mail. She made all these changes while I was in Israel, so coming home and not even having her to talk to is pretty horrific. She is going to court in 2 days to find out her faith about her DUI.

I guess I just need to wait and seee if she ever calls. I am afraid to see her out to, we used to be the hit couple when we walked in and danced the night away.

Please tell me what I can expect with this one. I know It's hard, must I contact her anyway in like a week and tell her that I am still here for her or do I back off and have her come to me.

I truly love her and want to be there for her.

I know I can't do it now, because she'll think Iam trying to control her.

How can she start seeing other people already?

Do you think she hates me or is the SSRI withdrawal doing this craziness.

Thank you

D...

I am pretty anxious myself, I just got back and it is so creepy

[kellbell]

Ok...

 

She sounds very emotionally and mentally unstable right now. Probably because she stopped taking the Paxil and began drinking heavily. I am sad to say, of the persons with PTSD I have talked to, their lives can go on a tailspin if they do not receive proper treatment.

 

"She has $50000 in bills and I helped her get that organized and on a paying schedule. iam 42 and she 47. She deals with million dollar budgets at work and at home she is an irresponsible child."

 

This could be because at work, she has structure and she is focused. Plus, I have read that persons whom survived some kind of abuse are perfectionists and take on challenging jobs such as hers. But, she may need the structure and challenge at home. She may benefit from that. I am sure how to go about giving that structure in the home, I am not a qualified psychiatrist. This is where couples and individual therapy becomes extremely important.

 

She is a grown women whom can do what she wants. I am so sorry she left you like this. Being in a relationship with a person with mental health issues is extremely difficult. My step-grandfather has Bi-Polar disorder and it was certainly trying for my grandmother at times. But at this point, there is not much you can do. I read the email she wrote you in another thread...she basically asked you to leave her alone. I feel you should respect her wishes.

 

Use this time to get your life together. I am sorry for all you have been through with this. Take care and all the best.

[ufoureah]

she has dissociative identity disorder and now with the Paxil withdrawal, I have no clue how to deal with this. she says she wants to meet people who know nothing about her. we were planning to get married. I know it's crazy and all my friends say good riddance, but I love her.

I would not mind just being friends, but she wants nothing to do with me.

D...

[ufoureah]

well she wanted structure and I am an extremely structured person and she enjoyed it, until she quit her Paxil and now I became controlling. Does she even know what is going on?

I am respecting her wishes, I just wish she would not push me out of her life like that. Do people snap out of this and do they realize that they made mistakes or is this just the end of the road for us.

D...

[kellbell]

Well...she may be on a dissociative fugue. Persons with a dissocative disorder tend to have a history of abuse. If she is on a fugue at the moment...there is not much you can do.

A dissociative fugue is...

 

" A dissociative fugue may be present when a person impulsively wanders or travels away from home and upon arrival in the new location is unable to remember his/her past. The individual's personal identity is lost because that person is confused about who he/she is. The travel from home generally occurs following a stressful event. The person in the fugue appears to be functioning normally to other people. However, after the fugue experience, the individual may not be able to recall what happened during the fugue state. The condition is usually diagnosed when relatives find their lost family member living in another community with a new identity."

 

Plus, she asked you to leave her alone. Do not repeat past mistakes and get in her face about it. Just leave her be. You are trying to control a situation you simply have no control over.

 

Take control of your life for the time being.

 

Here is some links explaining dissocative disorders...

 

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[ufoureah]

This sounds like what is going on. So do you think she would even remember me? she is on a path of self distruction and all of her friends think that she is ok.

It is creeping me out. To loose the love of my life this way is the most painful thing. because she looks normal but is not well.

I am really hurt and devastated.

Thnak you so much for all your valuable info.

D...

[kellbell]

It is possible she is experiencing a fugue. I cannot say for sure. But when I read your last post, that was the first thing that came to mind. But I cannot say for sure.

 

I am sure this whole situation has been extremely difficult, confusing, and scarey. Hang in there. Is there someone you can talk to? Are you in counseling now?

[ufoureah]

No Iam going to start al anon.. I have never dealt with this like I said. The references you send me suggest that many women who have PTSD are also alchoholics. She choose the bottle over me and she did say she wanted to be with someone who knew nothing about her. She is drinking like crazy again. Oh well I am powerless. I have one hope that on Friday when she goes to court for her DUI, she gets the diversion program assigned and has to go to AA and rehab. Maybe that will help her stop drinking again. she did this already 5 years ago and was sober for 2 years.

D...