A thought about NC, really long sorry in advance

[Big Jim]

I am for the first time in the last 5 months really going NC. I have said it before, but i was always just pissed off and talking big, i realize this now. I knew i was only half heartedly NC since i knew i would see her during the week in class. Now school is out and i feel different. I have tried everything over 5 months, talking it to death, not talking about it at all, playing it cool, being intense, being her support and best friend, being elusive and not avaliable, spoiling her, acting like she doesnt exist, all of it has been done. Here is the most important thing you will read in this post... None of it works.

Yes, I got big results, she would freak out, wonder why i pulled back, call me like mad for a week. Or when i spoiled her, she would tell me how good i am to her, and be very clingly and close. When i was her support, i would get 2am phone calls with her problems, listen attentively, give advice, put a smile on her face and have her tell me i am so good to her, she loves me, im the best thing in her life. When we talked sometimes i pushed her away, sometimes she opened up and was closer then before. I won all the small battles, however that never changed the outcome of the war, we were broken up.

For those new to the site and are looking for answers, please listen to this, for gods sake cut your ex off immediately. I was skeptical of NC too, felt she would forget me etc. But no scheme you have is going to get her back.

I cant explain this feeling i have today, i did not tell her we are not talking anymore, just walked away when she was bit$@ing at me (for no real reason), this feeling is no longer one of helplessness.

Its funny the more games you play, schemes you think up, plans you follow, the more helpless you feel, you feel totally out of control, because in reality you are, you cant change his/her mind. You put so much effort, think it to death, go crazy about it, and what do you get? NOTHING. However, once you "give up", you feel so good, you feel there is nothing i can do at all (truth is, there isnt). It is so calming, its outta my hands. Think about it, what feels worse, doing nothing and getting no result, OR doing everything you can and getting the exact same result.

Truth is i only came to this realization after doing everything everyone advises against. That is just me, im a fighter, i am stubborn, had to give it "a shot". My mind is at ease now, completely. I did everything i could, gave it my all. But if you are strong enough do it right away, it will be better trust me, i had 5 months of absolute hell.

In case you are thinking, yeah my situation is different, he prob had five months of him beggin to even talk to her. Think again. The last 5 months were what most people on this site would kill for, her calling me everyday, going out together on weekends, going sking together, hanging out all the time, her telling me she loves me all the time, her being the one ( 90%) contacting me, wanting to see me. Her calling in the middle of the night, just missing me. Her always telling me how we are not just friends, we are specail, just working on it, we dont consider ourselves single. She still sees me as her boyfriend. When she thinks of the future, its me she sees. We should move out together etc. Us being physical once( if i had wanted to, could have been all the time). I had it as good as it gets but even then it is not what any of us want. We want it all. We want to be back with them.

Trust me, i had it great for the majority of the 5 months, but it still wasnt what my heart wanted, i wanted her, no ifs and buts. But it will never happen like this, this i know. She has her cake and is eating it too. Think about it, if i was in her shoes, why would i be prompted to make a descision, to realize what i lost, when i still have everything i want. This is not a consicous descision on her part (i hope not), she simply feels no need to change anything. Is she a bad person, no, does it look like she is stringing me on? yes to anyone but her, but truth is, it is only cause i let her and have not pushed her to make any choices. Of course she is not going to make any big desicisions, she is in a very comfortable spot. She hasnt "lost" anything. I finally realized this tonight.

I finally have my self respect back and am standing tall and letting go of it all. Dont think i dont want her back, nothing like that has changed i love her with all my heart still, i only know it will never happen in this situation. But i have the strangest feeling that she will realize her mistake and want me back down the road (she is messed up right now, life is a mess, didnt break up simply cause "we dont work"). Am i clingin to that hope, maybe, but i am also moving on, i went out with a girl tonight for example , had a good time. She will always have a place in my heart, i will always love her, but weather in the long run she has my whole heart or just a part of it, only time will tell. Go NC from the get go....

[Heretic]

NC is the best way in general, and not always the be all end all path.

 

It does in most cases bring two people closer together, but it can also make you realise "Hey I don't really want to be with that person."

 

What NC is guaranteed to do is give you control. The person you're no longer in contact with will naturally miss you and want to see you, while you have time to relax and explore yourself a bit.

 

Honestly I know she's the best thing that ever happened to you, and maybe she's even the one BUT you should relish this time you have by yourself and use it to find out more about who you are.

 

Your message still should be understood, "on and off" will never bring you back together. It will only serve to bring you closer and closer to a bad split.

[Big Jim]

Thats what i was trying to say, not that im using it to get her back, or any of that, but that by stopping trying so hard and fighting for nothing, i have gained back a great feeling of control.

I may very well think back in a month or two, man i never realized but i could not stand this or that about her. What im trying to say is it gives objectivity to a very subjective issue.

Trust me , i am very past the "i cant live without her, shes the only one for me, shes the best thing that will ever happen".

As i told her "i can easily live without you, just would rather not, you add so much to my life".

[settinuplife]

Wow, great post! It is true about ex's wanting their cake and eating it too. Why should they want to date us again when they can have the parts they want of us without having to have the whole thing again, and at the same time date others.

 

NC is the best way to go to clear your head, and theirs as well so maybe you can start with a fresh perspective if you do get back together one day. It will be like you just met for the first time later on, everything will be new and fresh.

 

My ex had her cake at ate it too for a year and a half and she knew it. I was always too weak to say no to her. She would play me when she was seeing someone else. Why should she get back with me? I gave her what she wanted without the obligation to have to be with me in a relationship.

 

I have been doing NC for 3 weeks and I miss her like hell, but all we did was fight so I had to cut her off. She hates me for doing that but she needs to sit and think how horrible she was treating me.

[Heretic]

Thats what i was trying to say, not that im using it to get her back, or any of that, but that by stopping trying so hard and fighting for nothing, i have gained back a great feeling of control.

I may very well think back in a month or two, man i never realized but i could not stand this or that about her. What im trying to say is it gives objectivity to a very subjective issue.

Trust me , i am very past the "i cant live without her, shes the only one for me, shes the best thing that will ever happen".

As i told her "i can easily live without you, just would rather not, you add so much to my life".

 

Sorry if I misunderstood you. I'm glad you've reached this point.

 

It's all uphill from here. Well 90% anyways. Good Luck.

[ranlian]

i came to the same realization today man. my ex has been dragging me along for 3 1/2 months. i went away to taiwn for 6 weeks, she tried to email me to which i replied only 3 times. she finally broke down and called me once, but still left it open. i saw her this past sunday in san francisco, and although we had an awesome time together, nothing really changed. she's still seeing this other guy, yet she tells me i'm the love of her life.

 

cutting off ties and going no contact. it's the only way i can heal and the only way she can learn.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yup NC has to be for one reason and one reason only. To move on. Really be honest with yourself is it because you want them back if there is any doubt, set yourself straight. I did with my ex the first time around after 4 months we got back together. Went great and got even better than before. We broke up 4 weeks ago after 2 more years of kicking the cat. Gues why we broke up. Same reasons as the first time. Now I am truly practising NC, told her when we broke up under no circulstances to contact me.

 

This time I feel different, I dont miss her much at all, I dont even think about us at all really, and if I do its not in that longing way. Why? Because I have realized teh important part of a relationship is all teh thigns that are more important than just having good times. When you miss your ex, I mean really miss them, youknow wanna phone them beg them back. Its always when you think of the good times you had.

 

Stop putting them on a pedestal and realize good times although necessary for a healthy relationship are not sufficient for a good healthy relationship. And you deserve a good healthy relationship.