thyroxine Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Lately I have felt very…alone. Not alone in the way I want companionship, but alone in the sense I have no one to talk to about a problem that has been plaguing my thoughts. I have always been attracted to older men - I can't help who I like, right? Lately the people in my life have been getting increasingly opinionated about this preference. In this past week some people who are rather close to me have called me both disgusting and disturbing. It hurt, and I let them know. I'm not usually so open with people so naturally this was met with an odd glance and a shrug of the shoulders. I believe my friends have become more adamant about this topic since I've lately developed feelings for an older man (he's 61, I'm just going to be turning 21.) The pressure not to be attracted to him is strong in my circle of friends. I did not realize before this that my friends were so strongly against age gap relationships. Even though they are very negative about him, I cannot help thinking they might be right? I'm uncertain how he would react if presented with such a large age gap. I want to try, but is this just selfish? Should I think of how it may hurt him? Before I go any further, this man is my professor. This is my last semester in any of his classes (since I'm definitely going to pass and he will not be teaching any of the higher level classes I will be taking this fall.) Putting my friends' comments aside, I know I like him. There is no questioning this. I have a true attraction towards him. I trust that my friends will respect any decision I make regarding the matter (since it's mine to make – not theirs,) but I'm confused as to what I should exactly do with this situation. Should I tell him or not? Should I ask him to coffee? Or…should I just listen to the people in my life and never say a word? I don't want to do the latter, but again I really do not wish to cause any harm to this man. Any advice? (Just some quick background information: he is unmarried (divorced three times,) lives alone, and has a daughter who just turned 40.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CamGuy Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Yea, personally, I'd avoid the entire matter. Dating someone that much older will do little good for you (unless he is loaded). Do you and your father have a strong relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thyroxine Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 I should have added this: Yes, I have a strong relationship with my father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 well.... 20 and 61 is a tad unusual. he's old enough to be your grandpa!!! But, you two are adults, and if you like each other, then go for it. Actually, my biggest reservation comes from the fact that he is a prof at your school. Some schools have rules against profs dating students, even if they are not in the same classes!!! See if your school is one of them. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thyroxine Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 My school isn't one of those. I remember talking about the subject with a friend awhile back when he taught a few classes and had younger girl approach him about her attraction to him. He is, of course, one of my friend's who's against AGRs. I do see the unusual aspect of it. He's actually a year older than my dad! I did not ask to be attracted to him though...it just happened. He does remind me of guys I've been attracted to before though, only 15-20 years older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Some schools may not have specific rules about it, but I'm sure that there is a social stigma. If he is interested, maybe you two should keep a low profile. sure, ask him out to coffee if you are interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CamGuy Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 What's weird is when he was 45, you were 6 years old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thyroxine Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 I know CamGuy. My friends tell me all this all the time. I saw you posted a similar thing on lovelylibertine's thread too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CamGuy Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I know CamGuy. My friends tell me all this all the time. I saw you posted a similar thing on lovelylibertine's thread too. Hey, just making an observation. I say do whatever floats your boat. Different strokes for different folks. I only asked about your dad because I know a few girls who also like much older men, and many of them have had a poor relationship with their father. Do i think its bizarre you like a man 40 yrs older than you, YES. But you cant go through life thinking you can please everyone. And never apologize for who you are. Some people will think its fine, others will think its utterly wrong, or weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thyroxine Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 I know. I just got a bit defensive about it. Sorry! I don't mean to take anything out on anyone here! I mean, even I think it's a bit weird that I like someone 40 years older...but I do like him and there's really nothing I can do to change that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I can understand the appeal of dating someone who is more secure and mature than men your own age. Older men are more likely to be respectful of you as a person and fewer are prone to the pompous displays younger males feel is needed to attract a mate. I think if you feel that your choices are sound and that your judgment is not impeded by a possible infatuation then you should consider what your options are. Waiting till the end of term would be most advisable. I had a math prof that married a much younger woman that had been his student in the past. The gossip mill was in full force, but he and his wife are still married and he still teaches, each semester the students go on about his young wife, but who really cares what the students think, the prof and his wife are happy as can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mythy Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 Yeah maybe waiting til you are no longer a student simply because of the gossip. My boyfriend is doing a physics phD and is very well known around the physics department because he studyied there and also teaches there. I recently changed course and am now studying physics (entirely coincidental!!), unfortunately he teaches some classes of the same unit I am doing (not my particular class of course) so all the other lecturers, phD students and most of the physics department know about the relationship,and I have found that some of the phD students who also take my classes seem reluctant to speak to me and are very wary of me. I actually had one guy ignore me completely which I can only assume is because of the relationship!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thyroxine Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 I didn't want to start a new thread, so I figured I would just add this on. Since the semester has been nearing (less than two weeks away!), the few people I have told about feelings for him have been giving me the "if you care for him, don't tell him" speech. What do you all think? I had figured I was going to tell him at the end of the semester, but would it hurt him to let him know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 well, if you do want to tell him, wait until you are all done taking classes from him. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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