wonderworld Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 What would you guys define as smothering? Lets see some examples as well as ways to prevent it! And how much is too much?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Smothering? Hmmm....expecting someone to spend ALL their spare time with you, questioning their every move or whereabouts. Getting mad or upset if they mention doing something that doesn't involve you. Being a "clinging vine'....either way none of these are very attractive qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderworld Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 Thanks LB! Also, if anyone has been in a relationship where they have felt smothered or done it themselves, let us know so the rest of us can learn from it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I've been smothered. I lived with a very jealous guy in my early 20's. If we went out somewhere and a guy looked at me..he would get mad at ME for it..like somehow I was inviting attention. That got old FAST. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PocoDiablo Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Calling more than once a day Emailing non-stop Always needing to know where someone is Always coming over Always touchy-feely Stuff like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 What's on your mind? What's going on in there? Talk to me! What are you doing after work tomorrow let's talk about us why don't you listento me anymoreIcalledyouatworkwherewereyoutheysaid youwereoutmymotherwantsustocomefordinnertonightyoucomeback hereyournotgoinganywhereyoudon'tloveme Whaaaa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 LMAO Dako.....have we dated?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I think it's when smothering is calling too much, being possesive, constant questioning, taking everything personal. I also think there is another aspect to smothering: When a person tells you that you are the only good thing they have in their life or expects you to "save" them from their troubles. I think this is dangerous for both parties involved, and puts a lot of pressure on the person who is expected to do the "saving". You can always tell when someone has come out of this kind of relationship when their ex threatens suicide over their breakup. Another type of smothering: Always having to re-assure your partner that you want to be with him/her and yes they are attractive, yes they are lovable, etc. etc. Being expected to constantly have discussions about "the relationship" or "us". I think Dako captured the essense of that quite nicely: let's talk about us why don't you listento me anymoreIcalledyouatworkwherewereyoutheysaid youwereoutmymotherwantsustocomefordinnertonightyou comeback hereyournotgoinganywhereyoudon'tloveme Whaaaa Smothering always results from an insecure partner. BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Smothering Behaviours: Always checking up on you - at work, at home, when you are having dinner with your mom, your best friend, your dog. Making sure you are home at 6:00 am and 9:00 pm on the dot. Taking for granted you will spend Friday night every time together no matter what and making sure a few times a week you are still 'on' even if it has ALWAYS been on. Crying and asking if "you love me anymore" when for some reason they have to switch the regular Friday night date to Saturday night. Giving up all their hobbies so they can do all mine. Giving up all their hobbies and friends so they can wait for me at home ALL the time just in case I want to call or see them. Someone whom threatens they would die (by their own hand) without you. Asking "why is that guy looking at you" when you have no idea because he is a complete stranger. Asking the details on every conversation you have with every person you have a conversation with. Making you feel guilty for even wanting to do something without them one evening. ALWAYS agreeing with everything you say because they don't want to disagree! Even if you are dead wrong really. I want a partner, not a "yes man"! Leaving 18 messages on the VM, because you are continuing the last message, or taking it back, then resending it. Being put on a impossible pedestal with nails on all sides to keep you there. It's a suffocating place to be...we are all human and imperfect for that very fact. I am not talking actual trangressions to the relationship or hurting the other person here, but I am talking about regular human flaws - like I am not always going to be right! Again, I want a partner, not a following. That's a few anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 WOW! i think i did most of the things listed!!! i kinda feel sorry for my boyfriend!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaBisquit Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 lol, hanging on me all the time. following me around like a puppy. doesn't let me do anything for myself. telling me there some kind of super hero. telling me they could teach me things in the bedroom, that i have never done before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolediver Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I have a question, if both partners are involved in the same level of "smothering," does it become okay then? I mean, is it only a problem when one partner is on a different page? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I think it's just as bad when both partners smother, it's double the insecurity. BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolediver Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I see what you are saying but I just wonder how you can be smothering one another if that is what you both want and feel comfortable with? I have been in relationships where we noth wanted to see each other all of the time and it was fine. And in others, this was not the case so it presented huge problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I see what you are saying but I just wonder how you can be smothering one another if that is what you both want and feel comfortable with? I have been in relationships where we noth wanted to see each other all of the time and it was fine. And in others, this was not the case so it presented huge problems. There is a difference between wanting to spend a lot of time together though, and smothering. My boyfriend and I are with each other daily (mind you we now live together) except when apart for business trips and the like. We enjoy it, and prefer to do things together then apart! The difference is one is about a mutual choice to be together, the other is about checking up, chasing, trying to account for one's time, constantly needing verbal reassurance and basically wanting the person to dedicate their entire life to you, or when one of you wants to spend all your time together and the other person doesn't - it becomes smothering. It's more about the intent/emotional attitude then the actual amount of time together. You can be smothering even if you are only spending one night a week together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiminimo Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 i think smothering means not allowing the other person to have their own space. constantly being up that person * * *. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolediver Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 RayKay, I agree with you and do believe if you are using the relationship to find validation it is smothering. I go back and forth on the time thing though. As you mentioned, you and your boyfriend like to spend a lot of time together so luckily it works for you. I am just not sure if it is fair to say someone is smothering if they want to spend more time with their partner then what their partner wants. Maybe they have different concepts and needs in a relationship and should either find someone more suited to their levels or find a way to compromise on the time issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 RayKay, I agree with you and do believe if you are using the relationship to find validation it is smothering. I go back and forth on the time thing though. As you mentioned, you and your boyfriend like to spend a lot of time together so luckily it works for you. I am just not sure if it is fair to say someone is smothering if they want to spend more time with their partner then what their partner wants. Maybe they have different concepts and needs in a relationship and should either find someone more suited to their levels or find a way to compromise on the time issue. I should clarify - it's not smothering if they 'want' more time, it is if they demand that more time, or won't compromise as well. It's not uncommon I see someone whom for example wants to spend all their time with their partner. Their partner wants say, 4 days a week together. The former person is still miserable with that, and is resentful of the other 3 days. It's not if they WANT it, it's if they demand it. I agree fully with your last sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jim Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Dont put too much stock in the whole smothering thing. Its all perspective. I have always been independent and like doing things on my own, but my ex was really clingy. When things were great between us (until the last little while) she would call me like 3 times when i was out with the guys, and constantly during the day etc. Not to check up on me, but just get a moment away from her girlfriends or whatever she was doing to say hi, etc. It was kinda cute, you really feel wanted. Well after about 2 years i got the same way with her. If i was at work id text her, shed call me any chance she got, we were always like " i dont see you enough". BUT, when she started changing her mind about things, all of this was "sufficating" and i was accused of not giving her space. Ironic because every weekend i was like you shold see what the ladies are doing, "no i really just want to see you tongiht", also i was the one with a job and played sports, she didnt do too much. Its all subjective. If you are really happy with the relationship, this is never an issue, its just being "in to eachother". As soon as things get sour, people resent the other for taking up too much of their time, its stupid to be resented simply because your other doesnt have their own life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderworld Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 All this stuff is great. Nice one Big Jim!!! Keep it coming folks!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a teacher and a gentleman Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I agree it's a matter of perspective. From my perspective, the reason two people get together is to spend time with each other. If I liked hanging out with friends so much, why did I get married? I got married because I preferred this particular woman's company to anyone else's. She should be flattered and want to reciprocate. This does not mean I expect her to be with me 24/7, which is the conclusion that people always want to jump to. I just expect her to spend 1 or 2 out of 24 with me or 1 out of 7. Is that asking too much? She thinks so. She prefers her coworkers, her church choir, her girlfriends, and the kids to hanging with me. I feel insulted and unappreciated, because I am a good guy who treats her right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Dako, everytime i see a post by you something about that dog in the picture makes me see you as having a dry sense of humour.......... just thought id say lol and .. k randomness over Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 LOL Right now it's dry, but in 30 minutes I'll splash Guinness on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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