Will Women and Men Ever Seen Eye To Eye on Porn?

[tylercdurden2004]

Is ok to get turned on by romance novels?

[CarnelianButterfly]

As a woman I tend to find most porn boring, due mainly to the fact that its not created for what I find arousing. There is some that is very erotic and very stimulating for my difficult tastes. However, if I where to be in a relationship I doubt I would look at porn, why, because it serves a purpose that my SO would then fill.

 

I think that pent up sexual desires can be very harmful, they can be distracting and uncomfortable to deal with. I have a high sex drive and know that at times my BF will not be able fulfill my need, but thats what masturbation is for. I don't think I would resort to porn, but I may use a vibrator. If I restrict my BF from using porn it would essentially be like him taking away my vibe. Each has the right use either, but it would become a problem if the artificial means were chosen over the partner.

 

If porn is used in small amounts its not that big of a problem for me unless it becomes an obsession or is too expensive. I do have issues with some fetishes that I do not find as acceptable outlets, portrayals of bondage, torture, snuff, or any violent sexual acts are something I would not want my partner looking at, that would be a deal breaker for me.

[GreatOne52782]

I must say that you hit the nail right on the head with this one!

 

I do watch porn occasionally to facilitate the urge.

 

If my partner were more willing to participate as often as I would like, I could easily stop watching porn. I only watch it when she refuses to give it up.

 

I am very attracted to my partner and would love nothing more than to spend hours each day making love to her, but apparently her sex drive is not as high as mine.

 

It is getting very frustrating. When we started going out, we had sex 4 or 5 times per week. Now that we have been going out for a year and a half, I am lucky if I get any action once a week.

 

I consider this to be a BIG problem, but she says that she usually just isn't in the mood and she is always tired (she works and attends college).

 

She is finishing school in a little over a month, so her workload might lighten. I am hoping for the best, but am thinking that we may have a sexual compatibility problem that needs to be addressed.

 

Long story short, I (much like most men) can easily do without porn, provided our partner facilitated our urges more often than they are. Watching porn has nothing to do with wanting to run off with pornstars. We are with our partners for a reason, because we want to be.

 

And yes, we can masturbate without porn, but where is the fun in that? We are visual creatures. We like to see breasts. We like to see * * *. Why do you think these things have to be covered up when we go to the beach our out in public? Because they drive us wild. As a guy, there is NOTHING more beautiful and sexy than a naked woman.

 

Personally, I am very attracted to my partner and I make sure that I convey that message to her. She has nothing to worry about. If she thinks watching porn is a problem and wants me to stop, she has the answer to her problem right between her legs.

[PocoDiablo]

Is ok to get turned on by romance novels?

Bingo.

 

image removed

 

The only difference between romance novels and porn is that romance novels feed a woman's brain with emotional language which excites them. Porn feeds a man's brain with exciting images, which excites them. (Women are often less visually stimulated than men are, men are usually more visually stimulated.) They both achieve the same result.

 

What IS a problem is when your partner, male or female, does ANYTHING emotionally distancing themselves and that is probably due to problems in your relationship that existed *before* one of the folks "checked out" emotionally. They look at porn? Why? What changed in the relationship? Sex encounters dropped? Fighting too much? Someone cheated? You need to look at the root cause, not blame the symptoms.

 

It's often easier to blame something that is a symptom of problems, such as porn, in a relationship rather than the root cause of the problems.

 

You may as well say "All people are jerks because they won't stand around and talk to me" and ignore the fact that you have bad breath.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yup! People really need to dig a little deeper and be honest about the core issues at hand, not the symptoms or surface problems. Anytime someone is "checking out" of a relationship, its a problem. Doesnt matter if its porn, romance novels, emersion in a hobby etc. Dael with the real issues and not the superficial symptoms. Otherwise the same issues will keep rising up at a later date.

[PocoDiablo]

Ever met a workaholic? Same thing if you ask me. Avoiding the relationship.

[CarnelianButterfly]

emersion in a hobby etc. Dael with the real issues and not the superficial symptoms. Otherwise the same issues will keep rising up at a later date.

What about the times you need to be away from your spouse to do things on your own and continue to have a life as an individual.

[tylercdurden2004]

What about the times you need to be away from your spouse to do things on your own and continue to have a life as an individual.

 

Yes of course one should have hobbies etc. its only a problem if its used as a tool to avoid dealing with issues. Eg. Everytime a man gets into a fight with his SO, he decides to go fix his car. He is avoiding the issue at hand. No different than taking to the bottle, watching porn or any other activity that takes away from dealing with the issue. I would hope that times "where you need to be away from your spouse" are very few and far between. This is what effective communication is all about. If you cant talk over an issue with someone you are spending your life with, why the h*** are you with them.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm just making the statement because for as much as I enjoy being social there are times when being alone with your own thoughts and reflections is healthy. Its not to avoid your spouse, being with someone all day every day can cause tension and I think its right for both members to still be able to work well on their own.

[tylercdurden2004]

I'm just making the statement because for as much as I enjoy being social there are times when being alone with your own thoughts and reflections is healthy. Its not to avoid your spouse, being with someone all day every day can cause tension and I think its right for both members to still be able to work well on their own.

No of course I wasnt talking about you particularily just people in general and more specifically teh people who use porn, work, hobbies etc to avoid dealing with the issues at hand.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Do you ever use porn?

I've looked but it doesn't really appeal to me. I suppose like most women, it doesn't attract me since a majority is directed at men. In my exploration I have found some porn aimed more toward a female perspective and found it more arousing, but I think it would most likely be more fun to be with a partner sharing than just sitting alone at a computer staring at naked people getting it on.

[Jhodas]

I use porn. My gf doesn't understand why men use porn. I don't need to use it when she's around, even if we don't have sex. It simply does not occur to me. I get insomnia sometimes, so may get up and go to my pc. We sleep like spoons, so if she hasnt given me any, I will be aroused. What do I do? Play some games! The thought of masturbating never enters my head when she is near me.

 

She also did something amazing: Suggested we make our own movie. Girls, you have a problem with your man looking a porn? Star in your own movie! I guaruntee you it will be fun to fun to watch, and even more fun to make. Plus, you are the one he'll be fantasizing over when you're not around!

 

EVERYBODY WINS! God I can't believe no-one has suggested that already!

[xprincessbugx]

I think Paris Hilton tried that once right? lol just kidding...

[doyathink]

I think that a lot of women including myself, dont understand why her SO can't "fantasize" and "entertain" himself with images of her instead of some strange women that just so happens to be really hot. We may have entered the relationship with no self esteem problems but come on this can cause a women to acquire ego problems. We see black and white on some issues and this is -if he is looking at other women,regardless of why, then we start question our own image. Why? You have a mental pic of your SO, use that to jerk....And speaking of jerking, When a lot of women get horny and they are alone most of us can wait for our SO to return home and don't have to rush to the bathroom to get off. I haven't exploded yet. If you have an active sex life why the need to play with it so much, can't you wait till your SO can satisfy you? Bottom line, if your in a relationship you need to be faithful to it mind, body and soul. If you want to look at porn, be single,look at it all you want, masterbate every 10 minutes if you like. Sometimes I think some men think that everytime they get a bone it has to be "taken care of" because it's there.

[tylercdurden2004]

Certainly you may not agree with porn and that your SO other as well as yourself should think only of each other, but really i think most people are not like this. Not that most men must look at porn but really I know many girls who admit to masturbating while thinking about past lover, movie stars etc. Men sometimes do this as well. Its not a matter of being faithful unless these thoughts or images over ride the sexual element of a relationship. I mean really do mean that if your SO or you look at an attractive person that is cheating?

[doyathink]

I guess what I'm saying Ty, it isn't hard for me to use him as my visual so why can't a man just use his SO as a visual? Why the need for porn when you have someone to fulfill that for you?

[doyathink]

I think you are cheating in and with your mind if you are getting off to the thought of someone else.

[Cardinal]

I think that a lot of women including myself, dont understand why her SO can't "fantasize" and "entertain" himself with images of her instead of some strange women that just so happens to be really hot....then we start question our own image. Why? You have a mental pic of your SO, use that to jerk.....

 

Oh wow. Yes we can definitely fantasize and enterain ourselves with images of our g/f or wives. You bet!!!! Give us some pictures to work with. Maybe some homemade videos just for us and we will go wild. If my girlfriend made a couple of videos, I could go for months without even thinking about watching another porn flick. GREAT IDEA!!!!

 

Mental images of your g/f. Well, we men want direct visual images. Conjuring up mental images are nice (we do this all the time with women we see in public), but they never match actually seeing the pixels in front of you (ceteris paribus).

 

And speaking of jerking, When a lot of women get horny and they are alone most of us can wait for our SO to return home and don't have to rush to the bathroom to get off. I haven't exploded yet. If you have an active sex life why the need to play with it so much, can't you wait till your SO can satisfy you?

 

Many women masturbate and don't wait until their SO returns home. Nothing wrong with that. As a man I prefer to do both. I masturbate then go a couple more times when my g/f gets off work and comes to see me. We have different levels of sex drive. Masturbating reduces libido for the hours following it for a man. Maybe not a big reduction, but it counts. It puts my libido more in line with hers and we have a more compatible sexual relationship as a result. I last longer and can please her more easily. She loves getting all the attention, but knows that I can hold back and tease her all she wants. Sex for a half hour after masturbation, no problem. She also loves it that I get so damn distracted thinking about her all day before she comes over, I have to take care of myself at least once. She knows the reason my libido initially increased wasn't because of porn. It was because of her. She knows I use porn to masturbate everytime. If I were with her everyday, I would likely go weeks at a time without looking at porn pics. Wouldn't have a reason to.

[Cardinal]

I think you are cheating in and with your mind if you are getting off to the thought of someone else.

 

We are going to need a good definition of cheating. Where is the line drawn.

 

As a male, for a female to expect a man not to think libidinous thoughts of other women, is completely and totally unrealistic. It is fair to ask a man to repress the urge somewhat I think, and certainly fair to expect a man never to act on them.

 

But everytime we see an average-to-hot looking woman in public, our minds are filled with sexual thoughts. It is not conscious and not avoidable for a man that wishes to have normal sexual urges. The image and the thoughts occur simultaneously for us. We would have to be blind to repress such instincts.

 

Monogomy is a moral idea imo. I don't think there is anything biological in a man's makeup that lends itself to a monogomous sexual relationship. Go back in time far enough. Present a man with three attractive females. If he can, he would naturally have sex with all three of them and never think otherwise.

 

Asking a man to maintain a monogomous relationship is fine. Asking a man not to have lecherous thoughts it far too great an expectation.

[jabele]

I've tried to figure out what aspect of the porn most men are in to. Is in the action that excites or is it arousal at the female's body? Or maybe a combo of both?

 

I guess, in the men's defense, even women that don't use porn (like a video or picture) many fantacize about about different scenarios which can be considered cheating as much as porn.

 

It wouldn't bother me too much if my boyfriend watched porn. I think I'd be more offended if he imagined himself having sex with other women -- but then again, maybe thats what you're doing with porn

[Cardinal]

jabele

 

Hopefully I can shed a little light on the issue based on my perspective. First off I must say, wrt to porn women and men are alike in at least one way. Every woman is a bit different in what works for her and how she likes to be pleased. Part of being an experienced lover as a male is realizing this. The same is true with men and porn. They have different needs and preferences as to why they watch it. It is not one reason more than the other.

 

That said, describing it as a fantasy for most men is usually pretty apt. I think most men either go for the visual effects (any of them) and how that enhances general masturbation (something they would do with or without porn) or because of the fantasy element. I know plenty of guys that like humor and comedy in life (any aspect of life). Those guys enjoy the heck out of seeing ridiculous and funny/cheesy sex scenes. They like to see the 'action' and have the same preferences in their normal sex lives. Once again, it is a matter of personal preference.

 

I know that when I watch POV (point of view) porn, all I see is the female and I do imagine it being me. More often than not though, when I actually orgasm, I can't help but think of my girlfriend, even if I am looking at something completely different.

 

I have always thought women fantasized a lot more than men. Women seem to need fewer visual stimuli. imo, that leaves the door to fantasizing wide open for a woman that has frequent sexual impulses. And to that end, I don't see why it would be any more likely for a man to fantasize about someone other than their SO than it would be for a woman to do the same.

 

I hate to break it to you but your boyfriend may watch porn, even if he says he doesn't. One of my closest male friends is honest in all parts of his relationship except for porn watching. He doesn't admit it to his fiance. She just wouldn't understand. I can't say I disagree with him, but I would always be upfront about it. jmo.

[CharLit]

It depends completely on the context and the relationship... My previous boyfriend and I lived about 1,5 hours apart, so we usually saw each other all weekend and one night during the week. My sex drive was higher than his, but in between visits he still watched porn. That was deeply hurtful to me and made me very insecure: I was getting rejected from time to time, and yet he was still getting off to watching other women! Why couldn't he just save it for me? I became convinced I was either hideous or horrible in the sack.

 

My current boyfriend and I have a great sex life and matching drives, and as a result I couldn't care less whether he watches porn when he's on business trips or when I'm away (we live together - I wouldn't be so happy if he were to watch porn when I was in bed in the next room waiting for him! I was a bit insecure about his collection of 'ladies' on his computer to begin with, but that was insecurity from my previous relationship and I'm well over it at this point.

 

For the record... sorry to everyone who enjoys romance novels, but based on the two I've read, I think they're kind of dumb and have given up on them - they're badly written, full of cliches and they stop when they get to the 'good bit'!! Well-written erotica however, like that of Anais Nin for instance... MEE-OWRRR!!!

 

(by the way, RayKay, I can't remember what thread it was in now, but I think the idea of writing erotica about yourselves for your boyfriend when he's away is FANTASTIC.... gotta try that sometime soon!)

[SwtMary]

I need to add my two cents...I like porn myself. I am one of the rare females that likes port and has a very high sex drive. I also love romance novels. I dont get romance in my life and they are the replacement. I have read them for years even when I was married. I dont see either as cheating but that is obviously just my opinion. I think it is a GREAT idea that if a woman has a problem with her man watching other women then she should make her own videos or pictures. I know its sill but this was an issue on "Sex and the City." One of the girls was appauled that her husband was looking at porn so she pasted her face on all the magazine pictures he had. That way he still got his porn but he was looking at her face...I thought it was a GREAT idea!!!

[TiredMan]

I saw that episode. It was funny.

 

But it wouldn't work for me. Because my mindset is that when I look at those things (I haven't looked at a porn magazine since I was like 20 years old lol), I don't want to see the person I love or care about.

 

That part satisfies my "dirty" side. And I can never see someone I love in that way. By dirty, I don't mean sexual. I mean REALLY RAUNCHY stuff. As Deniro said in Analyze That when he was asked why he does stuff with his girlfriend and not his wife, he responded "she kisses my kids with that mouth" hehe.