Never had an orgasm.. ?!

[fishrrshortae]

Hey everyone

 

I was just talking to one of my female friends and she confided in me that she has never had an orgasm, after over 10 sexual partners and 8 years of sexual experience. I wasn't really sure what to say to her. I asked her if she had tried masturbating, she said yes but it doesn't do anything for her..?

 

I'm not really sure what to tell her.. She thinks she has never had one because she is really uncomfortable being naked around guys and so is "hindered" during sex. Is it possible that this could interfere w/ orgasm?? Any advice on what to tell her?? I'm at a loss with this one ..

 

help

[Süsser Tod]

I'm not really sure what to tell her.. She thinks she has never had one because she is really uncomfortable being naked around guys and so is "hindered" during sex. Is it possible that this could interfere w/ orgasm?? Any advice on what to tell her?? I'm at a loss with this one ..

 

She isn't trying hard enough. Her excuse about not being comfortable naked around guys does not explain the lack of orgasms through masturbation. I think she is uncomfortable with her sexuality and making up excuses.

[Relationship Coach]

after over 10 sexual partners and 8 years of sexual experience. I wasn't really sure what to say to her.

 

Maybe she needs to refrain from having sex until she is in a meaningful relationship.

 

She thinks she has never had one because she is really uncomfortable being naked around guys and so is "hindered" during sex.

 

This may be true but if she is in a serious relationship, I'm thinking love, commitment, the works, why would she be uncomfortable. She can have sex with them but she has a complex? Maybe she can't have an orgasm because she is having sex for the wrong reasons. I would suggest to her to slow down and refrain from having sex for a while and just maybe when the right guy comes along abstain until she knows that it is Mr. Right. not Mr. Right Now. She needs to explore herself and learn how to pleasure herself and reach an orgasm on her own, then maybe she can give some directions to Mr. Right Here.

 

RC

[keenan]

Maybe she needs to refrain from having sex until she is in a meaningful relationship.

 

No offense, RC, but I think that sounds pretty condescending. If she can't reach orgasm on her own after 8+ years, there could be a biological component to this. A guy friend of mine recently confided that his long-time girlfriend (a very meaningful relationship) has the same problem. They've struggled with it quite a bit, and she's seeing an endocrinologist.

[Relationship Coach]

No offense taken Keenan. Being a psychologist I'm very aware of the physical and mental issues which can lead to:

 

Female Orgasmic Disorder:

 

Persistent or recurrent delay in, or absense of, orgasm following a normal sexual excitement phase. Women exhibit wide variability in the type or intensity of stimulation that triggers orgasm. The diagnosis of Female Orgasmic Disorder should be based on the clinician's judgment that the woman's orgasmic capacity is less than would be reasonable for her age, sexual experience, and the adequacy of sexual stimulation she receives.

The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty. The orgasmic dysfunction is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (except another sexual dysfunction) and is not due exclusively to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

 

Various studies have also shown that having detached multiple sexual experiences can create negative feelings which inhibit and block sensory receptors. More than 10 sexual partners in 8 years would fit in this case. Yes, she may have other issues as well such as something which has not been stated such as abuse or trauma. We can only go by what has been posted. Sorry if you feel I was being condescending, I'm here to be honest and sometimes honesty can be an unpopular view.

 

RC

[fishrrshortae]

RC

I don't know about any past trauma, if there was any she hasn't told me, but I do know that her last few sexual experiences were with guys that she didn't know very well, and things didn't last long with them.. so I'm thinking that's perhaps playing a role.

 

Keenan - I did suggest to her that she talk to her gyno about this, can you explain further about the endocrinologist? Ie are they thinking it might be a hormonal imabalance.. ??

[Relationship Coach]

An endocrinologist specializes in the endocrine system. Hormones are considered as their area of expertise. I googled this for brevities sake.

 

link removed

 

I don't feel this is the best course of action to follow but I guess it can rule out other things as opposed to pin pointing the true cause. I would suggest a Sex Therapist and go from there.

 

RC

[keenan]

I think that research into women's health, and especially women's sexual issues, has been woefully underfunded and underrepresented by NIH and medical science, respectively...and by medical science I include psychiatry and adult clinical psychology.

 

The tendency is still too often to first implicitly blame the woman for her disorder (in this case, promiscuity), and then look for contributing biological factors. If a man presented with an inability to reach orgasm, his doctor would likely consider both biological and psychological factors, and would probably not suggest right off the bat that he sleeps around too much.

 

I just don't think that she deserves less consideration, regardless of what the DSM says.

 

Fishrrshortae, I don't know what her doctor has told her.

[Relationship Coach]

Keenan,

 

You have your views and opinions and I respect that but let's not make this a gender issue. The fact that I am a man speaking of a woman's actions which could certainly be related to her problem has nothing to do with what you said. Read over my past posts where I offer balanced and fair suggestions and points for both men and woman. As far as gender is concerned it has no bearing on my comments. I would say the same thing to a man. If a doctor failed to inquire about and address their patient's promiscuity, they would not be a physician I would frequent. I'm not giving her less consideration and the DSM is not the Bible, it's a guideline.

 

The tendency is still too often to first implicitly blame the woman for her disorder (in this case, promiscuity), and then look for contributing biological factors. If a man presented with an inability to reach orgasm, his doctor would likely consider both biological and psychological factors, and would probably not suggest right off the bat that he sleeps around too much.

 

I just don't think that she deserves less consideration, regardless of what the DSM says.

 

I think that research into women's health, and especially women's sexual issues, has been woefully underfunded and underrepresented by NIH and medical science, respectively...and by medical science I include psychiatry and adult clinical psychology.

 

I could not agree with you more on this one!

 

RC

[Scout]

The tendency is still too often to first implicitly blame the woman for her disorder (in this case, promiscuity), and then look for contributing biological factors. If a man presented with an inability to reach orgasm, his doctor would likely consider both biological and psychological factors, and would probably not suggest right off the bat that he sleeps around too much. I just don't think that she deserves less consideration, regardless of what the DSM says.

 

Keenan, gotta say I'm really taken aback here with how you're processing Relationship Coach's feedback. His advice was exactly the opposite of what you say the typical advice towards women with sexual problems is: to look for biological reasons. RC went right to the heart of the matter and suggested it was very likely a psychological reason, based on the information the original poster gave us.

 

The fact is, casual sex does impart negative feelings about the act. For both genders, as RC was quick to point out after you said he was being biased. As this thread's subject was about a female who was having this difficulty, and her sexual history was given to us, RC gave his feedback based on what he knows as a professional in this field.

 

I consider myself a feminist, and I just did not get the impression at all RC was judging this girl. In fact, many men would have us believe it's ok to "sexually empower" ourselves by sleeping around. And women are buying that! Then they lament why they can't find a guy to get serious with them, yet "modern" society tells us it's ok to be just as promiscous as men are. Just check out the front cover of most of the women's magazines at the grocery store checkout counter these days.

 

RC, thank God, is an exception with his advice. He cares about the person's heart and spirit, and this girl clearly sounds like she has some real pyschological discomfort with sex, and his suggestion that she wait until she's in a loving, meaningful relationship was a hell of lot more compassionate than whoever's bright idea to send her to an endicrinologist was.

[keenan]

You have your views and opinions and I respect that but let's not make this a gender issue. The fact that I am a man speaking of a woman's actions which could certainly be related to her problem has nothing to do with what you said.

 

Oh, I agree. First, I didn't consider you to be the doctor in question. Second, I think that both male and female physicians/therapists would be more likely to address a female patient's behavior before her biology, and vice versa for a male patient. My issue is with the sex of the patient, not the doctor.

 

This may very well have a psychological component. But ten sexual partners in eight years with little emotional attachment would, unfortunately, be considered pretty small potatoes for quite a few men out there. As a society we often hold women to a different standard wrt sexual experience, and I worry that this trickles down into health care...in this case, by first linking a sexual problem to lack of attachment and intimacy...due to the assumption that women are more likely than men to require these things in order to "function" sexually. Because this kind of "promiscuity" is accepted in men, many doctors--male and female--may be more likely to first look towards hormone imbalances, vascular problems, nerve damage, and drug interactions as contributing factors than to the patient's mental state.

 

I'm not suggesting that you would fall prey to this, RC. I like your posts; I know you have a fair and balanced outlook.

 

To bring it back 'round to the original post, the fact is that this woman has NEVER had an orgasm, partnered or alone. Never. If a man had NEVER had an orgasm, I'd be mightily surprised if his doctors wouldn't want to do a complete physiological work-up immediately!

[keenan]

Scout, your post confuses me, especially the first paragraph. I think that the biological aspects of women's health have historically been given short-shrift. I was taking issue with RC assuming immediately that this was a psychological issue. It may be (and if it is, then this should be explored) but I think that in a situation like this a biological cause should also be considered as a possible component. That's all. I don't know why that's controversial...? If she actually has a biological problem--hormone imbalance, drug interaction, etc.--wouldn't we want to KNOW that?

 

And an edit: It was MY friend who is seeing an endocrinologist. She is in a VERY meaningful LTR with a caring and wonderful guy. I don't know why a visit to a sex therapist would be "a hell of a lot more compassionate" for her than her OWN "bright idea" to see a hormone specialist??

[Relationship Coach]

Keenan,

Again I respect your opinion and I think you are unfairly stereotyping men is general. I have been with less than 10 women and I'm 42. I'm going to put my wager on "sexual abuse" as the culprit here. She may never admit it to anyone but I have seen very similar cases before where receiving pleasure from sex actually promotes pain and guilt to the point where all sense of pleasure is blocked entirely. I bet this girl who I know no more than you, has had a very miserable life, at least 3 jobs in the last 5 years and is the ultimate Debbie Downer at get together's.

 

There is something to be said for "more than 10 sexual partners in 8 years". Unable to commit to a relationship is another trigger point that makes me look in to a past which is very dark. She may be indirectly crying out for help by bringing this up to her friend. If you didn't know what was wrong with you, would you wait this long before getting help? If in fact there was a traumatic episode in her past which she may be blocking out, it may take a psychiatrist of sexual therapist to uncover it. This could also be a second or third part issue. Did she see something happen to someone else as a child? What is the state of her parents marriage? There are so many more valid questions to be asked before poking her with needles.

 

RC

 

Scout, thank you for seeing and interpreting so eloquently what I was trying to get accross.

[keenan]

If in fact there was a traumatic episode in her past which she may be blocking out, it may take a psychiatrist of sexual therapist to uncover it. This could also be a second or third part issue. Did she see something happen to someone else as a child? What is the state of her parents marriage? There are so many more valid questions to be asked before poking her with needles.

 

True, true. I'm a biologist, and I come from a family of needle-pokers. It's my bias to want to rule out problems with the plumbing before turning to the head work, which is often much more complicated. But...I'm also a psychologist, RC--though not your kind. But I know both are important.

 

I hope fishrrshortae's friend gets it figured out somehow.

[Bethany]

I think if she took the time to relax in her own company and got to know her own body, orgasm will happen.

[Relationship Coach]

I hope fishrrshortae's friend gets it figured out somehow.

 

I agree, the focus is her getting help. I think we got side tracked there on our tangent. She has a good friend trying to get her some help and that is a start.

 

RC

[Scout]

Keenan, my apologies, I was getting confused, too - for some reason I was thinking the original poster's friend was going to the endocrinologist. It was late, I'd been posting on numerous threads, etc. Probably did a little bit of turbo reading.

[keenan]

Keenan, my apologies, I was getting confused, too - for some reason I was thinking the original poster's friend was going to the endocrinologist. It was late, I'd been posting on numerous threads, etc. Probably did a little bit of turbo reading.

 

No worries.

[fishrrshortae]

thanks for the replies everyone.. I will tell her what you all said!