Oh My < Did this ever Freak me out !!!

[coollady1957]

Most of you know my story. I was married, my husband of 28 years died a few years ago, and lastly ,was in a relationship for 18 months with a guy that cheated on me, and now we are broken up since Jan 3. That is just a little quick background.

 

Now I am at the point of being ready to meet new people, and become social again, and find someone to spend time with, date, and go do fun things with. So, I proceed to sign up on a couple of dating sites. So for about a month now I had no luck finding anyone that seemed interested to any extent.

 

About a week ago I met a man on one of the sites that lives only 60 miles from me. I read his dating profile. He had a great profile, we had many interests that were the same, so we began to talk online.

 

Our conversations were great, and very lengthy. We are the same age, and live fairly close. I find out that his interests and hobbies are similar to mine. We have the same out look and expectations in life and of others. Our childhoods were quite similar, and even our parents and grandparents had similar upbringings, etc. On top of everything else , his photo on his profile was awesome. He is so very good looking along with everything else seeming great as well.

 

He asked me about meeting face to face , somewhere publicly, for lunch or coffee. I told him I would like that.

 

After four or five days chatting and getting to know some things about each other, he tells me he needs to send me an email about his life story. So that got me a bit curious, but I say Ok , and that I will watch for his email. All the while I am curious as to what he has to say that he felt needed to be in an email.

 

The email comes finally yesterday. What he had to say in his email threw me off a bit. Keep in mind that this info he told me in the email , was not a part of his dating profile.

 

He proceeds to tell me in his email that all I have learned about him is completely true, and that " he IS, what he seems to be" , with one exception.

 

He tells me now that he is a paraplegic. Paralyzed from the waist down. He says he was in a car accident at age 22 and that he has been wheel chair bound now for 26 years. He explains that he is fully independent and relies on no one else for his care and that he can do all of his own house work, cleaning, personal care, etc.

 

All of this just took me by quite a bit of surprise. I know that the wheel chair and being paralzyed doesn't make a person who they are on the inside. I feel that he is truly probably a great person.

 

All of this just scares me. First off all I have never been around anyone that is reliant on a wheel chair and doesnt have use of the lower body. I know there is alot that I do not understand about how his lifestyle maybe due to being partially paralyzed. I also do not know how well I could adjust in a relationship with this person if it were to get that far.

 

I realize a relationship is not all about the sex, but making love to a person I love and care for is very very important to me in the whole big picture of a relationship. His sexual abilities , as a paraplegic is something he has not even brought up at all. I keep wanting to hint or ask, but I am not sure how.

 

The whole thing kind of freaks me out. I keep wondering, could I even do this, could I even adjust, how can I ask him nicely if he can make love, and I wonder why he waited many days to tell me this about himself.

 

I would so so so greatly appreciate some thoughts , comments, suggestions about the whole thing.

 

I wonder if I should just bow out gracefully some how and not pursue this at all. I was so excited about trying to get to know this man, and now I am just horribly confused.

[keenan]

Wow. I can see how this came as a shock.

 

Step back and think about it, though. He's still the same great, handsome guy who is easy to talk to and has an outlook on life much like your own. You still share the same interests and hobbies. Go on and meet him...not out of guilt, but out of interest. I bet you'll really like him, and you'll make a friend, at the very least.

 

I think it's understandable that he waited so long to tell you. You're having serious doubts about meeting him NOW, after knowing what a cool guy he is. If he didn't wait, he'd just be passed over time and again.

 

As for lovemaking: He's already established that he's completely able to care for himself in every other way. He's been paralyzed since the age of 22. I bet he can take care of things in this area, too. He can use his hands and mouth, right? If anything, he's got a lot more to prove. I bet you might be pleasantly surprised.

[Dako]

My friend Mike is a quad and lives in a chair. Despite poplular belief, a quad can have use of their arms. Mike also has full use of other things. I once worked with a guy in a chair that kept his wife constantly pregnant, and was a actually a bit of a philanderer.

Lots of quads and paraplegics are sexually active, and I'm sure this guy knows your concerns and will tell you when he's ready.

 

Glad you're getting interested in dating. It'd be a shame not to.

[Tigris]

I think you should give him a chance and get to know him.

 

Have a look at this site link removed

 

Couples have written letters about their sex lives and paraplegia.

[DN]

I agree with the others. Give him a chance but realise you don't have any obligations to keep a relationship going with him if it doesn't work for you. If the 'chemistry' is not there then it is just the same as for anyone else.

 

Christopher Reeve and his wife had a child after the accident that made him a quadriplegic. Apparently, at least in his case, his sexual organs functioned even though he could feel anything himself.

[ElektraHere]

Hey There,

 

I too agree with everyone why discount someone because of something that you aren't quite educated on. I think coffee or drinks can't hurt. Perhaps after a glass of wine you can broach that subject ;-)

 

You would hate for someone to discount you because you were a widow. I say give it a go girl you may be pleasantly surprised

[keenan]

Yeah, and actually I feel that congratulations are in order for braving online dating and meeting such a kindred spirit. He sounds like a really nice guy.

[evy38]

If he is confident and comfortable, with himself, you will quickly follow his lead and get comfortable, with him and the chair. Don't sweat it, only offer assistance if it looks like he may need it. After 26 years, he should be comfortable taking the lead, on this whole thing. Many people soon see only the person. The chair fades into the background. That is not to say, there won't be challenges, but we all have those, his are just different then yours. If the disability issue is a deal breaker, for you and you know it now, cancel the date. It will become much more personal, to him, if you wait until after you meet him. Now you would be rejecting a disability, after you would be rejecting him.

[RayKay]

Paraplegics (even quadreplegics) contrary to popular belief can often function sexually without issue, and just have to make some adjustments for position. I have known a couple wheelchair athletes whom were paraplegics and from what they said, could function just fine.....and even get their wives pregnant without issue...so it's very possible

 

I recommend you watch Murderball - about paraplegics/quadreplegics competing in wheelchair rugby. It's an awesome movie, but also great insight into how normal they are. And some very frank discussion on their sexual lives.

 

Dako's friend Mike, he told me, is actually in the movie too.

[hoppy27]

i work in a field that deals directly with quad's, parapelegic's and amputee's. ive seen and have heard every sad story you can think of. i have also seen and heard many wonderfull story's. it takes a very special person to hang in there. the sad truth is that alot of spouses just bail after another has been injured.

 

be open minded. the wheelchair means nothing. nor should the fact he's paralyzed from the waiste down. he's human just like the rest of us.

 

he sounds like a great guy and i hope you go on that date. it may just be the best thing you have done in awhile.

[coollady1957]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. It was not my intent to come accross as judging him based on his being in a wheel chair. If I did , it was not purposely.

 

It is just all so new to me and having never had the experience of being around some one in a chair , it just surprised me and I sort of got scared of meeting him.

 

I see your points about at least giving it a chance, and at least meeting as friends first. He does honestly seem like a great great guy. We gave spoken through emails, then on messenger and then progressed to the phone.

 

We have spoken about everything imaginable almost in our converstations. He seems very sweet, gentlemanly and considerate. When we met online and began to talk more and more it was if though I had known him all my life. He is so easy to talk to.

 

His having a disability is NOT a deal breaker, so to speak. I suppose its just my being insecure in some way on what its all about to have to use a chair.

He even sent me photos of his home inside and out showing me how things were set up to accommodate his needs.

 

I know that he drives, he has a specially equipped van. He also has a boat and even loads and unloads the boat into the lake himself. He loves the outdoors he says, with hunting, fishing, camping, sitting on the porch at night on cool summer evenings.

 

His job is a relationship counselor. He has worked for 26 years in that type profession. Your are probably right that he must in reality sense that most women would be sensitive to the whole nature of his life, and possibly have some concerns with his paralysis.

 

All of you have given me great points to ponder and think about. I have told him honestly that I do not know yet if the situation is something that I can accept and deal with. He was really cool about that, and said " Well hey, let's give it a shot with at least meeting".

 

As, I said before the only thing that has never come up in conversation is either of our thoughts on intimacy and making love. I am not expecting detailed sex discussions right off the bat when meeting online. The only thing he ever mentioned of an intimate nature, was the he likes to cuddle and snuggle by the fireplace.

 

I am getting the sense that you all feel I should maybe give it a go and see how the comfort level feels with being with him.

 

We had agreed to meet, but had not yet set a date and time to do so. I am going to be talking to him later tonight, so I think I will at least initiate proceeding with confirming everything.

 

Thanks for all your thoughts, and if anyone has anything to add, I welcome additional comments.

[keenan]

Don't worry. Your post came accross as somebody who is a bit surprised and uncertain--not judgmental. He sounds like a fantastic guy. I hope that he really is great, regardless of the chair. You deserve it. Good luck, coollady!

[DN]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. It was not my intent to come accross as judging him based on his being in a wheel chair. If I did , it was not purposely.

 

I think most people who have seen your posts would know you better than to think that. You seem far too kind a person to react in that way. I think your concerns are natural and valid and it seems to me you were seeking advice and knowledge. After all, if you were adversely judging him all you had to do was tell him you were not interested and not post on here at all.

[Dako]

Not only does he sound like a good guy, but your reaction to him is sincere and genuine. We know you're cool.

[coollady1957]

Note: Names have been changed on the guys below . One of them is the paraplegic and the other is another single acquaintance.

 

 

Well we ( Johnny and I) still have agreed to set up meeting. I told him I would and am interested to get to know him, and he said the feeling is mutual.

 

However, due to family obligations and work and with him just having his house broken into, and such, we havent been able to set a day and time yet.

 

I am still on that singles site, and communicating with a limited number (3 ) of men that seem compatible and genuine. I have met none of them face to face and so far communications have been either emails, messenger chats and a few phone calls.

 

There is yet another guy that I have talked to for about the same amount of time as the paraplegic guy ( Johnny ). The other guy is named Carl. Carl also lives with in an acceptable range from where I am. He seems just a nice and genuine, and is as easy to talk to as Johnny. Carl and I also have similar childhoods and backgrounds. Carl is (44 yrs old ) four years younger than myself.

 

The only thing about Carl that I am very much concerned over is the fact that he has had a very wild and open, free sex type life style up until about two years ago.

 

He admitted all to me with out my asking. Some how a brief conversation about intimacy came up, and he said it was something he lacked all his life, even though he was married for 15 years.

 

He explained that he had his wild side during college and mid twenties. That is understandable to an extent. Then he went on to explain that when he married his wife, he did not know she was bi sexual until after they married. At that time she introduced him to threesomes with some of her Bi friends and swinger activities.

 

He said that the love and intimacy was not there, and that the sex was just that, SEX for purely satisfaction and fun purposes only. I can possibly understand experimenting in college and early adulthood, but engaging in the tthreesomes and swinger lifestyle up in to his 40's bothers me.

 

Maybe this should not bother me. Maybe I am not understanding enough. However, I can not help but to wonder how truthful he is when he says he has given up this lifestyle since he and his wife divorced. I also shudder to think of the number of women he may have been with and what their activities included, and also how SAFE all this sex was.

 

I am thinking in my mind that maybe I should definitely back away from Carl, because of this, no matter how nice, sweet and genuine he sounds.

 

Just want some thoughts an opinions please. Am I being too judgemental or distrusting about it ? It really scares me to be honest about this other guy Carl.

 

Keep in mind I have not met either of these guys, and have made no definate date to meet either of them, nor any commitment to not communicate with others at this point.

[RayKay]

Hey coollady.....

 

My, these guys sound like on very different ends of the spectrum don't they!

 

I don't think everyone whom has had experiences like that has a desire to continue them. He may have been doing them in his 40's, because he was with a wife whom wanted to do them, and he went along with it (obviously willingly but still nonetheless). I am sure he recognizes not all people are into this.

 

And just my $0.02, in my experience a lot of people whom have had threesomes, generally aren't that intrigued about doing them again. For what it's worth anyway.

 

It sounds like he has missed out on true intimacy, and it is something he wants. He might be looking for total commitment. Of course this should also involve STI testing and all that if you were to get involved, but that really goes for ANY one. He's honest with you, but others might not be about their equally interesting pasts.

 

But of course, I don't know him, and neither do you. So just take it cautiously and see how it goes - you have to do what is comfortable for you - and NOT do what isn't. If it sets of alarm bells for you, don't proceed.

[Batya33]

I think you have to be selfish here in the sense of being very honest about what you can and cannot deal with, and be unselfish in the sense of not leading him on. 5 years ago I corresponded with a lovely guy from an on line site for a few days and spoke on the phone. He neglected to tell me that half his face was horribly paralzed, down to his neck. When I met him I hid my shock but it was shocking. I found him just as lovely in person but knew that I could not deal with his disfigurement in a dating sense. Shallow? Maybe. Honest? Definitely. No, i was not upset with him for not telling me because I could see how that would be so difficult for him to do. I declined a second date with a white lie - there was no need to hurt his feelings unnecesarily. When it comes to dating, I am not looking to be a saint and pretend that looks and attraction don't matter. They do, to me at least and in this case I knew that I could not disregard his significant physical disability. I sure hope he found someone very special because he deserves it but that person was not going to be me. I never regretted my decision and was glad I cut him loose very quickly.

[Tigris]

I still think the guy in the wheelchair sounds the nicer of the two!

[coollady1957]

This guy Carl, seems so nice as well. He says that now he is ready for commitment, and wants to be with one woman only. He said that he did get caught up in the lifestyle with his wife, but that if he could do it over again he would have chosen a different path.

 

I do greatly appreciate his honesty about his past lifestyle. I am just contemplating if its something I can overcome in my mind and let the past be the past, if I were to get involved with him.

 

 

I have also been honest with Johnny and Carl about my past. They know I was married for 28 years and I was with one man only all my life, until my husbands death. I also told Them about the guy I just broke up with Jan 3, that had cheated and lied to me. So Carl knows that I am a bit leery of cheaters and liars, as does Johnny.

 

I never knew getting back in to the dating scene at age 48 could be so hard and frustrating.

 

I am not picky I don't think. All I seek is a decent, breathing, walking, Moral and ethical person with common interests and outlook. Heck, I don't know , maybe I am picky. Mostly I am just scared and worried about meetting the right person.

 

Where I live the opportunities are slim to none. I live in a very secluded rural area. There are no social activites avaibable with out driving at least 60 miles , alone. I do not do bars and clubs. All of the country churches where I live have no members my age, and are all elderly , as in my parents age.

 

All of the few friends I have , are married with kids and have lives to live, so there is no one that I can "buddy with" as a single person and go out and meet people.

 

I do not particularly care for the online single sites , but so far has been my only way to figure to meet people. Sometimes I think I might just give up on it completely, and just be the Old Hermit Widow Woman of Alabama.

[keenan]

Sometimes I think I might just give up on it completely, and just be the Old Hermit Widow Woman of Alabama.

 

LOL! That's a really cool title, but something tells me you won't get to use it, coollady.

 

Have you set dates to meet these guys yet? I'm getting curious and excited for you. I bet you'll have a much better sense of your interest (and the kinds of current situations and past behaviors that you'll be able to tolerate) after a good face-to-face.

[coollady1957]

Well we have not set times or dates to meet yet, but agree that we want to meet. Carl is ready any day at anytime to meet. Johnny wants to meet , but he has had some family obligations and his home was burglarized a few days ago, so he has been dealing with that.

 

I am excited myself, but on the other hand have a bit of concerns with each of them. I guess I need to realize that if I even have a chance of finding someone that I at least need to see what they are all about and do that face to face meeting.

[keenan]

...but on the other hand have a bit of concerns with each of them. I guess I need to realize that if I even have a chance of finding someone that I at least need to see what they are all about and do that face to face meeting.

 

I understand. I know neither seems perfect. Your positive attitude is really admirable, though. One (or both) of these guys could be really fantastic...or who knows, you could meet somebody new *through* one of them. If you wait for the guy with no past (or a past as wonderful as your own) to come along, you might just end up sitting at home alone, because he's doing the same! By getting out you'll have a better chance of finding him, and at the very least you're going to meet some really interesting people that you may not have interacted with before.

 

I know you know all that already, but I'm just trying to send some moral support your way. You're doing the right thing. We're all rooting for you.

[coollady1957]

Thanks to you Keenan , and all that have given me great advice and moral support.

 

It hard to start and get back into the dating scene and meeting new people again after not having truly dated for 30 years.

[Dako]

I know what you mean. At least you have the courage!