Mr. Big situation!

[BooScout06]

Okay, some of you are going to know what I mean when I say this... others I will explain. I've got a problem in my love life at the moment. Think: Big from Sex and the City.

 

Explaination: In March of 2005 I met this guy named Matt who I fell head over heels for. But the relationship started making me unhappy because he's pretty controlling so I got so sick of being sad all the time and I tried to break it off with him. He wasn't having it and talked me out of it. I don't exactly know how, but he talked me out of it. I barely know how to say no to this guy anymore.

 

Early this year, I started talking to his best friend J on the phone and I fell hard for HIM! I was going to leave Matt for J, but I realized J was a druggy and an abusive person, so I waited until Matt found out and cut them both out of my life. (Terrible, yes... but I didn't know what to do.)

 

Life was going great at this point! I could stay out late with my friends and live free without somebody giving me a curfew or yelling at me when I made decisions that he wouldn't make and I was finally coming out of being depressed when the phone rang one day and he was back for more.

 

He somehow talked me into being with him again and I'm finding myself telling him the same lies I told him when I was thinking about leaving him for J and I don't know how to stop. It makes him so happy to hear that I'm in love with him and I want what we always had and I want to move in with him after schools out.

 

I think I want him out of my life for good, but I'm not sure. He is really good for me but he's so obsessive. I do love him, but I don't know what I want or how to tell him. I've already hurt him so bad.

 

Any ideas?

[Hope75]

So he controls you and is obsessive but he's really good for you? I'm not sure I follow.

 

I don't remember Mr Big being controlling in any way, just unable to commit the way Carrie wanted.

 

Make a list of things about Matt that show how he loves and respects you.

 

Now make a list of things that make him seem controlling and obsessive.

 

Post it on here. Read it, think about it, see what others say about it.

[BooScout06]

Good:

- Chivalrous: opens doors for the ladies he respects, pays for things when we go out, sticks up for me

- Responsible: follows through with things he is expected to do, takes care of things around his house

- Tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am on a daily basis

- He has NEVER lied to me before and EVERYONE knows it

- He used to drink almost every day until I told him what I thought of it and now in about 9 months he's only gotten drunk 3 or 4 times

- He doesn't fight people anymore because he knows I don't like it

- If we're fighting about something dumb he knows that I can just tell him to be quiet and kiss me or something and he will eventually calm down and give in and stop.

- He encourages me to do my best in school and to get a job I like and stuff

- Always lifts my chin up when I'm walking because I've always walked with my head down and he wants me to be confident

 

 

 

Controlling/obsessive:

- Always wants to know exactly when I'll be home and if I'm more than a half hour late, he gets mad and says that he was worrying that something happened to me the whole time

- He makes little comments when I say I'm going out with friends like "So, I don't get to talk to you tonight then." and I think it might be to make me feel bad because he knows we talk EVERY night.

- He asks for reassurance that I mean what I say or that I love him at least 5 times a phone conversation.

- When we fight he always says things that he has to take back and it makes my self esteem plummet

- If he doesn't like something I like, he'll make me feel dumb for liking it

- Tells me he's the best thing that will ever happen to me and makes me believe that he's the best choice of people to talk to when I have a problem and that my mom and my girlfriends are a bad choice

- Whenever he doesn't believe me about something, he'll ask me the same question in as many ways as he possibly can until he can make it seem like I was lying

- I've tried cutting him out of my life about 4 times and each time he comes back and makes me think of all the good things we had and he knoooows I still love him, so I think he uses that to get me to come back

- Brings up the fact that I almost cheated on him more than he really needs to

 

 

 

A couple other things that scare me, but I dunno what kind of category they fall into are like... when he tells me to get him things when he could just as easily get off his * * * to get it himself but I think he likes the novelty of having a girl to do it for him... and then once his dog snapped at him and he smacked him a few times really hard and dragged him outside by the neck... and it scared the * * * * out of me.

[Cyberchick]

He is not good for you, plain and simple. You shouldn't be feeling scared of him. He has anger management problems. He opens doors for girls he respects? He doesn't have respect for women! He doesn't have respect for you! A healthy relationship does not include your partner controlling you or making you feel bad about yourself. He is not fit for a relationship with anyone right now. He needs therapy.

 

I'm extremely concerned about your choices in men. A druggy and abusive guy, and a guy who is obsessive and controlling. And both times you have developed strong feelings for the guy? Something is not right here, wouldn't you say? I'm not judging you, I have been there many, many times. That is self destructive behavior and an indication of low self esteem. Somewhere along the way you have equated love with hurt and maltreatment. I did too. I'm working on it.

 

I'd say get out of the relationship now before you do anymore damage to yourself. Give yourself a shot at good, healthy intimacy with someone who genuinely cares about you. You need to see a therapist as soon as possible and start working through whatever it is that is driving you towards abusive relationships.

[keenan]

 

- When we fight he always says things that he has to take back and it makes my self esteem plummet

- If he doesn't like something I like, he'll make me feel dumb for liking it

- Tells me he's the best thing that will ever happen to me and makes me believe that he's the best choice of people to talk to when I have a problem and that my mom and my girlfriends are a bad choice

- Whenever he doesn't believe me about something, he'll ask me the same question in as many ways as he possibly can until he can make it seem like I was lying

 

Hon, these aren't Mr. Big traits. These are Mr. Big Jerk traits. This guy may have good manners in public, but he belittles you and treats you with scorn and contempt in private. Nobody has a right to insult you, make you feel stupid, try to separate you from your friends and family, or needlessly put you on the defensive because HE feels insecure.

 

I know you think he's good for you, but I agree with Cyberchick: he's not.

 

It's a big problem that you can't break away for good and let him know that you mean it. Can you get out of this relationship and still feel safe? At this point it doesn't MATTER very much if you hurt his feelings. He's hurting your feelings, and he could hurt a lot more of you over time.

[beachgirl]

*shudders*

 

Reading your list was like reading a list of the good and bad traits of my ex boyfriend. He started off with more things on the good list and as time went on more and more of the bad traits would emerge. After 2 years, he became extremely verbally abusive and there was one episode of physical abuse after which I called the police and cut off ALL ties with him. He stalked me after that for about a year until I was finally able to get a restraining order against him.....

 

My advice is: RUN

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

So I read your list,

 

and I hate to say it but the bad things are BIG, RED, FLAGS and far outweigh any of the good things.

 

He sounds very controlling and insecure- a dangrous combination. He is more of a parent to you than an equal partner- you should never have to report to him and tell him where you've been every time you are 30 minutes late- that's NOT concern, it's control.

 

Also, him making you feel stupid for things YOU are interested in that he is not... YOU are not HIM... you have your own free will and thoughts and opinions, something he clearly doesn't like.

 

Girl, He is NOT a good match for you, not to mention his "past" history of drinking and fighting that you mention under his "good" qualities, I have a feeling those things aren't gone for good...

 

I hope you will seriously consider the advice you've gotten here- from people who can look at the situaiton objectively without being blinded by their feelings.

 

You deserve more.

[MP Meridien]

A good showing of a person is the company he keeps. Here's a guy who's best friend:

 

is abusive

is hitting on his girlfriend

is doing drugs

 

Your boy is no good for you. If he were the right one, you wouldn't be seeking ways to hurt him (ie hooking up with his friend). You're best bet is to be honest with him. You can do better.

[BooScout06]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I was just trying to see if maybe I was imagining that he was bad and maybe it was me, but I'm not stupid and when more than one person tells me it's not okay and it's not my fault, there's something wrong.

[keenan]

Good for you. And good luck--we're here for you.

[Hope75]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I was just trying to see if maybe I was imagining that he was bad and maybe it was me, but I'm not stupid and when more than one person tells me it's not okay and it's not my fault, there's something wrong.

 

I don't think you are stupid by any means. You came here and asked for advice because something in your mind is telling you that things aren't right and that this is not the way a healthy relationship should be.

 

What is your next move?

[BooScout06]

Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. He's starting to talk serious again and I'm such a big chicken. I don't know how much more I can take before I snap again. I'm sure it'll come down to me calling him up and telling him I don't want to be with him anymore and then him trying to change my mind and us ending in a painful way again.

 

I'm trying to get more rights for the time being, however, and it's working.

 

What on earth can I say to make him stop using "I'm worried that something happened to you!" if I stay out really late. I really don't think he worries, I think it's just a control thing. What can I say so that I won't feel bad about staying out past ten!? I'm a huge chicken and I really just need help. Yikes.