life at 34 years old

[fantasia2004]

I would like to know the following;

 

• is it wrong to be ambitious in life
  
• is it wrong to have the mentality that friends can slow you down but your enemies won't?
  
• is it wrong to be a person who stands up for her own beliefs
  
• is it wrong to demand respect?
  
• is it wrong if you are a woman to speak up for yourself?
  
• is it wrong if you make more money than a man does?
  
• is it wrong if you feel good about yourself that who the heck cares if others think you are conceited and gripe about your success?
  
• why not? is what others should be saying instead of why?
  
• why be married and what's wrong with being single?
  
• Is it wrong to love God spiritually and still have feelings for a man?
  
• Is it okay even if you are not perfect that you can honestly accept yourself and realize all your flaws and say I am worthy?
  
• is it iwrong to be angry, but not violently
  
• is it wrong to be silly at times and want to scream?
  
• is it wrong to be * * * * *y
  
• is it wrong to be strong willed in spirit
  
• is it wrong for me to tell it it like it is regardless of how blunt it may be? I do not believe in being a person who sugarcoats things.
  
• wrong to be selfish?
  
• wrong to be by yourself when you refuse to tell others what you are up to? So they are less liekly to be in your business?
  
• and etc.

I am somebody. I made some mistakes in the past as well as the present. After all, I am only human, God has made me as I am. I have hurt a lot of people emotionally. I wish I could get married but it is not in the cards for me right now.

I do wonder if I WILL EVER BE SUCCESSful in life while others have it made!

(excuse me while I accidently use capitals I beileve that I mistakenly pressed the caps button)

Pardon my english grammar. This is something I am not really proud of. It feels to me that I am not able to communicate my feelings profusely as I used to on this site and I am unable to give advice like so many experts have done in the past and present.

[ocrob]

I don't think any of these things are wrong except one. I don't know why you would think your friends would slow you down. If that is the case, then maybe they are not the right people to have as friends.

[keenan]

I don't think it's possible to demand respect. Well...you can demand it, LOL, but you're not going to get it unless you earn it.

[fantasia2004]

I don't think any of these things are wrong except one. I don't know why you would think your friends would slow you down. If that is the case, then maybe they are not the right people to have as friends.

 

Slowing down as in telling you things that are not encouraging when you should be surrounded by those who are. Friends

[fantasia2004]

I don't think it's possible to demand respect. Well...you can demand it, LOL, but you're not going to get it unless you earn it.

 

earn it how?

[keenan]

Well, there are lots of ways to earn respect. One way is to behave in a way that is consistent with the values and beliefs held by the earnee, in any given domain. So, if I value honesty, warmth, and trustworthiness in a friend, I will respect a friend who consistently displays those qualities. If I value intelligence, creativity, and ambition in a colleague, I'm more likely to respect colleagues who display THOSE qualities. If I value promptness, efficiency, and excellent coffee production from a barista, then...you get the idea.

 

One component is seeing somebody display behaviors that I myself struggle with...so there is an element of admiration & emulation: "Wow--I wish I could be that way" in respect.

 

Some people manage to have qualities that cross a lot of domains, and just generally have the 'complete package.' I suppose those are people I respect the most, as human beings. But I think breaking it out by domain is helpful because it explains why we might respect a colleague, but not LIKE the person very much.

[milliganimal]

excellent post keenan that makes so much sense!

[keenan]

Thank you.

[fantasia2004]

indeed keenan I love that!

[fantasia2004]

I am so unhappy at this point. I should be happy but some reason I feel I am not making any substantial point of difference in my life or any person's life.

 

I feel like I am missing something. I have friends I have an internship that could or could not lead to possible employment, yet I feel depleted. I was invited tonight by a friend to attend her birthday party get together. I chose instead, to sit here in front of the computer at my school to type my fears and hopes ad pains away. I know even as I write this it really does not make any sense.

 

I still feel guilty for the silly stuff I have done in the past and for some reason I can't seem to shake this terrible "I am a * * * * *" "a dirty "sinful" girl" feeling in my head. It's bloody awful. I am seeking therapy now for anxiety and depression but some reason out of fear I can't seem to get myself to take the medication prescribed by my doctor.

I feel so alone yet I have people in my life. I really don't know how to break out of it.

 

I am afraid to get married but I crave intimacy. I want friends yet I push them away making excuses to get rid of them so that they are not close to me.

 

Why am I on this site constantly when I can't even help myself?!This is ridiculous! I should be able to help others yet I can't even help myself!

[keenan]

Sometimes we push people away because we're afraid that if they get too close, they'll find out who we really are...or rather, they'll find out that we are the person we're AFRAID we are: e.g., boring, self-centered, unimaginative, not particularly fun or bright. It's easier to sit in front of a computer and pour our hearts and souls out to strangers, or relative strangers, because their negative judgments of us can't really hurt. After all, we rarely know their names or faces, and unless we choose to disclose them, they don't know ours.

 

Your birthday party dilemma, as an isolated event, is understandable. Parties are rarely fun for anyone, even the most well-adjusted and social of creatures. We're expected to circle the room, smiling, laughing, making small talk with people we barely know...remembering names, trying to sound interesting and well-informed while staying reasonably sober and keeping food off our clothes. They're fraught with potential social pitfalls.

 

Generally, though, I think the fear of not being liked or appreciated is one part of a greater constellation of anxieties. It's possible to look around at all the smiling, happy people in the world and feel like they all know some wonderful secret that nobody let us in on. They seem to have a KEY...and we know we don't have it. They appear to have meaningful work; we know that we're not satisfied with our own. They appear to have joyful families; we know that our own is pretty messed up. They appear to have lots of abilities, hobbies, and wonderful relationships; we can see only our own shortcomings in these areas.

 

If we convince ourselves that this view of the world is true, then life becomes what I call a "SHOULD, BUT" situation: I SHOULD have an interesting and important job, BUT I really only have a 'pretty good' job; I SHOULD have lots of friends, BUT I find friendships difficult to maintain, so I only have one or two; I SHOULD have read X books, mastered x hobbies, and be volunteering at x, BUT I haven't done all these things...I've only done a few.

 

In this SHOULD, BUT world, we're automatically failures. We take this "ideal" world and make our baseline, and so we always fall short. Because we always feel not quite good enough, we get depressed and discouraged, and we just feel like we're losing ground in life. You know that old Pink Floyd lyric..."No one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun"? That's how it can feel.

 

The irony, of course, is that because we feel this way, we shy away from people and experiences, and we overly DEvalue what we have accomplished. When I read your post, fantasia2004, I see this again and again: You have friends, but you push them away, and then you feel alone. You crave intimacy, but you won't allow yourself to consider marriage a legitimate possibility for yourself. You have an internship that you'll probably be able to parlay into meaningful work, but you downplay its importance.

 

My suggestions are to (1) try to adopt a more modest and realistic 'baseline' standard against which to compare yourself. There is no secret; there is no key. We're all just trying to figure it out. Some people are better at faking it than others. (2) Listen to your doctor, and try the anti-anxiety meds. Continue with talk therapy, because that's very, very effective...but the medications do help. I'm naturally a high-anxious, slightly depressed person myself, and I take a teeny dose of an anti-depressant and find that it works wonderfully. Even if it's just a placebo effect, I'll take it. (3) Read your own signature line. You chose it, so it must have resonated with you.

 

Good luck, hon. Life ain't easy for anyone.

[monicaa]

You have to learn to not be so hard on yourself. Everybody has ups and downs in life. Analyse what is exactly that's making you unhappy and take action, do something about it. Because all the things in the list you mentioned, are possible and at your reach.

[Felix055]

There is nothing inherantly 'wrong' with any item on your list. So I am curious as to who says that they are? It sounds like you are beginning to ask the deeper questions. This is a good thing.

 

So how do you measure success? By what and whose yardstick are you measuring success? Do you use the same one for yourself that you use for others?

 

I've noticed in my own growth that my definition of success has changed and that it still is a fluid view point. It also became more dynamic when I made it less dependent on the opinions of others.

 

As for friends that slow you down. I have often been criticzed by relatives and colleagues etc, that I have too many friends that are 'beneath' me. That is meant in education, socio-economic standing, talents and general life direction. I always resented that opinion and yet I can see how in some ways my friends who are not very motivated or negative about life in some way have 'held me back'. It is not them really, it is me choosing to spend my time with them rather than spending the time with people who could further my career and business. So I made a choice more from the heart and it wasn't with those who could further my economic interests. I did take some professional lumps and I still think it was worth it.

 

May you have all your answers and more.

[fantasia2004]

I guess for me or saw it from my perspective, I thought success was measured by the degree you get the job you obtain, the person you marry and then the house and car etc.

 

That is is how I viewed success. All I want is a good paying job right now. Right now as simple as the work is and I love being at my internship, I wonder if I am able to succeed and really go far?

 

I mean how many 34 year olds(no offense to any older people) are still in the stage of what should I do with my life? I meant to be alone with no kids? No husband or ring on my finger?

 

Where am I supposed to be successfully speaking in the next couple of years. It seems to me maybe I have been to afraid of going after what I want. I thought it was okay to be persistent. Yet you don't always get what you want. Why bother trying? I was told you must think success it will happen. Well thinking and trying to make it happen are two different things.

 

• I know what I want yet why am i having a hard time achieving it?
  
• Why be optimistic if you keep getting blow after blow?
  
• Ask for it and you shall receive it?
  
• You are what you think?
  
• If you think you can't or can't, you're right?
  
• If you are abrasive, you must quietly as a lady be femine but still get your point accross without screaming?
  
• How true is it do men detest women cursing?
  
• I ask these questions becauseI would like to know how true are they or are they just a myth to build up your self esteem?
  
• "Beauty is the eye of the beholder" yet we are obsessed with plastic surgery to "fit" in society and conform to rules of society and their norms?
  
• Are we that shallow?
  
• Are you doomed if you do not get married at a certain age? When and where will I be able to make my mark and be successful?

I should not have to demand respect like I said before. I hope I able to receive it after earning it.

I wish people would take me seriously more instead of thinking that I am some child that can not do anything.

 

If we were put on earth by God, then we must have a purpose to do something great. I know somewhere my ex is doing better than me. Probably married with child after 4 years ago . I feel that that I have not made any accomplishments and once again even though I am whining I am stillstruggling trying to get where I need to be.

[fantasia2004]

Am I shortchanging myself by not motivating myself enough?

 

It should not be hard to ask for what you want without worrying about the proper way and still be able to get it without losing your cool or losing the battle by slinking back down by lack of confidence.