Don't be a "Nice Guy", and the NC theory...

[CamGuy]

This is just a little advice that I have found that has helped me out along this process.

 

About 4 months ago, I was pretty much dumped. My ex, as wonderful as she was, couldn't take it anymore, and I was tired of her being miserable, and she broke up with me. I could have begged her not to, and she most likey would have stayed with me, but I know she was unhappy, and it needed to end.

 

Now of course....breaking up sucks, and everything comes flying back to you in pain and in dispair as you begin to realize: I no longer have the woman/man I love.

 

THis is directed mainly towards men. This is to help all you "NICE GUYS" out there that feel the urge to contact your ex, or beg for her back. I tried the NC method for about 2 months, to try and better myself as a person and fix my flaws. Naturally, I blamed the failure of my relationship with my ex on myself. After abotu 2 months, I then blamed it on her. I thought to myself, i was perfect, and I loved her, and I gave and gave and gave, and got nothing for it. I made sure her needs were met, and although i walked on egg shells for the last year, I did my best to please her. She is a heartless wench, and she doesnt know what she has given up.

 

Then after another 2 months, I finally got it. First.....I see many break ups occur because of the "Nice Guy" syndrome. (if you want to know what I am talking about, go read "No more Mr. Nice guy". Anyways, many men I have met or am friends with fall subject to the "Nice Guy" Persona. Basically, we spend the entire time in the relationship trying to make sure our significant other is happy. If they are happy, we are happy. We try all day to please our sig. other, and make sure their needs are met. But there is one crucial thing Nice Guys forget to do, and that is get their own needs met. NG put everyone elses needs above their own. Anyways, in the long run, most women I have talked to do not like having a wussy wimp as a boyfriend. I am not saying you have to be an * * * * * * *, of course not, but being a guy who is always worried about his sig other and what they are thinking is terrible for relationships. I read many threads on here , and it sounds like several of you fit this category.

 

The point is, when the break up occurs, USE THIS TIME TO LEARN FROM IT. Do not sulk, and dread life. You will know soon enough, life without your sig other will not kill you. My advice is GO HANG OUT WITH MEN. Infact, reclaim your masculinity. And Be happy about who you are. The reason being, is that as soon as you realize you are happy with yourself, and that you do not have to apologize for being male, and you do not have to hide your mistakes and flaws, the sooner you will commend respect, and exude confidence, and you relationships will get healthier. Become an "Integrated Male".

 

I found myself lying to my partner constantly about stupid crap just to cover up my mistakes because I feared she would leave me. But now, I have learned that no one is perfect. And that I am a guy. I have natural flaws. I embrace my sexuallity. I am proud of who I am, and I will not be what I think others want me to be. i wll be what I WANT TO BE.

 

Don't call your ex, or wait by the phone. Don't under any circumstances, "BE FRIENDS" with your ex. FIGHT IT OFF. Ex-girlfriends (and sometimes men), have an act of trying to cherry pick all the elements of a broken relationship they want to salvage just so they feel better about the whole thing. They call it a break up for a reason. Dont be mean, or cruel, but don;t communicate or act "buddy buddy" with them. Basically, don't set yourself up to get hurt again, and don't subject yourself to allowing the wounds to re-open. Because thats what will happen, You may never heal unless you move on with your life, and let the scars heal. Because in all honesty, You havent been friends with your ex in years (if your relationship lasted that long), not to mention, you may have never been friends with her period. And now that it is over, dont make yourself suffer. Just better yourself. Become that man, become confident with who you are. Set your boundaries for yourself, and for the next girl that comes along. And don't fear, nor be concerned about what they will or wont like about you. WHO CARES? Find yourself and be yourself. Never cave in, and never tolerate the actions of another that upset or anger you. I know this is hard for alot of you, BUT VOICE how you feel, and stray away from the passive aggressiveness. You wont have to hold resentment over your sig other because you got it out there in the open to begin with.

 

My ex was my best friend for 2 years before we dated. But i had to let that go. Sure I still love her, but I have discovered a whole new side of me that knows I am a great guy, and more importantly, I AM A GUY. Your sig other may have a problem with you dropping all contact, and moving on. But I promise you, if it was meant to be, it will comeback,. and be a thousand times better once you realize you dont have to hide your mistakes, and flaws. And it will be better no matter who yuo are with once you embrace your masculinity, and become of man of integrity, passion, and power. Do what you want to do, and makes you feel good. Get in shape, learn a new sport or language, start a poker night, hang with the boys, better yourself FOR YOU.

 

The ladies will soon take notice. And you will feel better about yourself. dont hang on and wait for her to come around. She dumped (us) you. Move on, and drop contact, and find out what makes you tick, live, aspire, and dream. Embrace these things, and EXPRESS THEM. Do not hide them. Do not supress them because you fear others may disapprove. Infact, stop seeking approval from others, and only seek approval from yourself. In all honesty, nice guys think that if they act "good", and meet other peoples "needs", and "wants", and avoid conflict, and act amiable all the time, that they will be awarded with love and affection. It is BS. because all the nice things we do come within a place of emptiness and usually have "unconscious strings" attached.

 

But trust me, once you do things for you, and you alone, and accept you are, and dell in reality, and reclaim your masculinity.....the world is your oyster. In love, career, and life.

[emptychipbag]

I think a lot of guys are being raised with feminist ideals so they end up being as you described. They try to be sensitive to her needs and her happiness is all that is important. Which according to you just ends up getting you dumped because no girl wants a wimpy boyfriend.

 

It's seen as a social stereotype that women like jerks for sex, and nice guys for long term relationships.

 

I try to have a balance of being nice and being my self. I do guy things,.. but I also wouldn't want to ignore a womans needs either.

 

I consider myself out of the game. I don't go out and try to meet girls. I just go to work and then spend my spare time at home playing videogames or something. I've pretty much lost all desire to have any kind of relationship; serious or sexual. At least if you're a hermit loner misanthrope you can relax.

[Alpine Stars]

Cam....way to go man! Your post is totally on point and speaks the truth in every sentence. Back in 03' I went through that situation (divorce) and this had come about after spending 10 freaking years (7 married) trying to always make sure my ex was happy with me and content, but like always me the nice got got cheated on 3 times and went through a very miserable divorce and also having our 3 kids dragged through our BS.

 

Then I did exactly that....lost my married man fat, started to lift again, and went out all the time and just partied my * * * off but I always made sure not to get involved with any of the chicks at the bars or clubs because to me at that time they were all pretty much the enemy and I wanted nothing to do with them, but as of now I have had a new woman in my life for the last 2 1/2 yrs and apply every lesson I taught myself with the first go around to this relationship and it is pretty much working out just fine. I care about her wants and needs and feelings to a point, but when it starts to ever feel like things are going to compromise my own rules then that's when the new me kicks in and problems will end right then and there.....no more kissing * * * and asking "Are you okay?"...."What's wrong...what did I do?"...no,no,no...if you are going to sit there and cry and try to make me feel bad....sorry won't happen already went through that song and dance and I refuse to let a woman ever treat me the way my wench of an ex-wife did.

 

Bottom line fellas, Cams dead on with this and for any of you nice guys that read this thread please take his advice at face value. Being the NG is only going to screw you in the end. You need to have a balance between being nice,caring,loving guy and stern,confident,bold,self-reliant man. If you never reach that point gentleman, well then you can expect many years to come of being your sig's hapless butt kissing doormat.

[noko]

hey CamGuy, unfortunately fit that description perfectly.....and of course i got dumped by someone i really cared about. is there anyway (through doing what you said to improve myself) that i could eventually change my ex's perception that i'm that wimpy nice guy?

[CamGuy]

hey CamGuy, unfortunately fit that description perfectly.....and of course i got dumped by someone i really cared about. is there anyway (through doing what you said to improve myself) that i could eventually change my ex's perception that i'm that wimpy nice guy?

 

 

Noko, I know exactly what you want, and what you are hoping happens. My advice. DO NOT DWELL ON THIS. About a month ago, I was praying, HOPING, that there was a way my ex could see me now, and see my changes, and fall for me all over gain. But the fact remains..... You can't force others to see you in a certain light. It's kinda why I dont ask people to describe themselves, because I never REALLY get a straight answer. So I ask their best friend.

 

Ideally, it would be nice if our exes had open minds and could see us for the men we have become, etc etc. But, they dumped us. And, in my personal experience, WOMEN ARE VERY STUBBORN. If your ex was anything like mine, she probably stayed around for a lot longer than she wanted to. Because she was a passionate person, and did not want ot fail with you. (Or BECAUSE WAS STUBBORN

 

ANyways, there is really nothing you can say or do to get her back. The only thing you can do is move on, reclaim your masculinity (go and buy the book, "No more Mr. Nice Guy"), embrace yourself as who you are, and dwell in reality. hang out with your guy friends. Do Guy things. Seriously, I would advise you to not hang out with women as much. I see that alot of men, including myself at one time, have problems with opening up to men, and hanging out with other men. But the truth is Noko, when their is NO SEXUAL AGENDA involved, we can totally BE ourselves. We can reclaim what is ours, acknowledge and reveal out flaws and mistakes, and our guy friends wont give a crap. Infact, 9 times out of 10, they are there to help us and reassure us that we are good guys.

 

If you happen to run into your ex, or whatever, just play it cool. Be yourself, and act aloof, if you will. No reason to be mean or nasty, (UNLESS SHE PISSED YOU OFF, oF COURSE But, do not be "buddy-buddy" with her. If she asks how you have been, just say "I;ve been busy, hang out, etc" and move along. The important thing is to find out what YOU want and what YOU need. And go get them. If your job sucks, quit, and get a new one. Go back to school. Work out, run, lift, eat better. Quit smokin, whatever you think will make you a better and happier person. Do not think about getting back with her, anbd what you could do to show her you have changed. If it was meant to be, she will see it most likely.....and probably after you are already with someone else.

 

Because I am telling you. Once You reclaim your masculinity, and get the hell out of the "Nursery" (that being, an enviornment where you are hanging around women too much), and set those boundaries for yourself, and dont hold anything back, you will gain not only attraction from women, but you will also be able to have an undeniably STRONG, and INTIMATE relationship with one......one ever far better than your ex.

[noko]

CamGuy....wow, thanks alot. that helped me heaps dude. i'll try to follow your words of wisdom i did happen to run into my ex the other day, and i tried to play it cool, but i don't know how well i pulled it off hahaha i was more nervous seeing her again than when i was when i first asked her out. All the old feelings came back, just when i thought i was going really well. Ah well, hopefully i can work on that....

[tylercdurden2004]

I love to hear this stuff! Great story of your growth. You know there is something special about being a MAN, you know doing manly things, watching manly and saying manly things. Now its good to be well rounded but at the end of the day you are born a MAN so be a MAN and do MAN things. If your girl dont like it too bad. I see a good few of my friends "settle" down with girls some of who are very manipulative and tehy turn into total wussies. Lose passion for things they once loved, try to have this idea that if I make her happy I will be happy, but it never works out that way. Find that girl who doesnt make you want to be a wuss, that except you are going to the bar with your friends, football game, to the gym, whatever it is you love to do and she isnt gonna spin out and play the guilt trip. Most of my GFs have been great and enjoyed to do some of the things I liked and you know what I generally am open to doing most of the things they like provided they invite me.

[keenan]

burp.

 

uh...sorry. excuse me. i didn't mean to intrude. i'll leave now.

[tylercdurden2004]

huh... I thought girls didnt burp!

[keenan]

Once in a great while, we burp very discreetly. And we always say excuse me.

 

 

[tylercdurden2004]

and fart too? oh yucky.

[keenan]

Never. How crass.

[tylercdurden2004]

Ok ok this threads getting way off topic now! Time to fixer and getter back on track boys. GRRRRR

[majord23]

I couldn't agree more with the sentiment of this thread.

 

Every girl that I have loved has, at some point, backed off because I have tried too hard to please them. Sometimes I would realise what was happening, so would rectify it. On other occasions however, I could only see it after the relationship had ended.

 

I see it as the reason that girls that I date and that I am NOT that serious about are the ones that cling to me. It's because I am less likely to compromise my needs for theirs, and so I become something slightly unattainable...and someone who cannot be manipulated (for want of a better word).

[CamGuy]

I couldn't agree more with the sentiment of this thread.

 

Every girl that I have loved has, at some point, backed off because I have tried too hard to please them. Sometimes I would realise what was happening, so would rectify it. On other occasions however, I could only see it after the relationship had ended.

 

I see it as the reason that girls that I date and that I am NOT that serious about are the ones that cling to me. It's because I am less likely to compromise my needs for theirs, and so I become something slightly unattainable...and someone who cannot be manipulated (for want of a better word).

 

The important thing to note is that this is not about "playing games", but rather to identify YOUR ROLE in the relationship, and progress forward into that role. You are the man, so BE the man. I believe that through the last 50 years, and through social conditioning, men have often struggled to identify themselves as what they should be and how they should act in a relationship. Keep in my mind, if you are like me, and had parents grow up in the baby boom era, many of our fathers were infact, raised by women. My father was basically a "Nice Guy Father", who was basically taught by his mother what it means to be a man, since his father was either always at work, or unavailaable.

 

Then the erratic feminist movement took off, and it basically shunned the idea of masculinity, and even gave many males a negative stigma: that it was bad to be a traditional "MAN". In my experience, even my ex was a strong willed woman. She was very independent and very goal oriented, and knew should could do anything a man could do, however, even she wanted to be treated like a "lady". My ex did not want to be the emotional backbone of the relationship, and it was my fault for passing on that responsibility to her. Because all in all, I forgot what it means to be "male". I was too concerned with what she would think of me, or I was to worried I would upset her if she got to know the REAL me, and I was so afraid of losing her. So I pretended to be something I am not. And Tried to be perfect all the time. BUt all I really did was smother her.

 

Yes it is a tad ironic how women say one thing, than ideally want somethign else, but thats how the opposite sex works. They trick for men is to stand their ground, and be proud of who they are. And for all of you guys who where dumped for perhaps being to sensitive, or smothering....there is no better way to reclaim your masculinity and power by haning out with other men. Learn from your mistakes, and re-evaluate what it means to be "A MAN". never shy or disguise your faults and flaws, and mistakes. Confront them, and know they are a part of what makes you, YOU. Stop worrying about other people, and your ex, and starting focusing on yourself. If your girl upsets you, let her know about it, and make sure you say " I AM ANGRY". Call women out on their BS emotional tests they put men through, and SET THOSE boundaries. Make a stand. You are not being a jerk, you are just standing behind your principles, and establishing communication between you and your woman.

 

Do not be that emotional hose that attaches to your sig. other, and sucks the life out of her.

[tylercdurden2004]

Dont think anyone mentioned "games". Then again this is a MAN forum!

[tylercdurden2004]

Interesting,

 

I just received an email from a girl I met in laos while travelling and this was 8 months ago. She basically told me what a great time she had and how much she missed me. Now this relates to this thread because I think it will demonstrate what being a MAN will and can do.

 

Basically we met in the guesthouse and she was hemming and hawing about what she would do the following day. I said "listen I am renting a scooter tomorrow and I think you should come you'll have a great time" (With confidence and hinted she would miss out otherwise). Well she came to me later asked if she could take me up on that offer and what we would be doing. I told her "well I am planning on going to some waterfalls this and that but really just gonna go and explore". (I was confident enough to have a plan and made the decision on my own and left a bit of mystery). And again I reiterated it was all about fun. Well she was all over that like oprah on a baked ham.

 

Needless to say we got on our scooter and had a nice crash right off the bat. I thought she would not be continuing after this but she wanted to go on. Needless to say it wanst the first thing that went "wrong". Leeches, south east asian ants, lost and off the track in a land mine strewn country driving home in the pitch black on a moto with lights that didnt work on crappy roads in one of the poorest countries in the world.

 

THe key is I never worried or lost my cool and looked at all of it as an adventure which it was! Well her email just said hope you remember me, I had the time of my life, just thinking of you etc

 

Not the first time it happened but I acted like a MAN and even 8 months later all was definitely not forgotten.

[CamGuy]

Ahh, the beauty of fate and love. It can be so cruel.