hennypenny3288 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 As a member of this site for only a short time, I see that most members on here do not promote playing games when it comes to dating. Why not? Would it not be advisable, if you are interested in a certain person, to show that you have interest in them but not a lot of interest. If the person shows interest back, you show interest but keep them guessing. Dating is like a card game, if you show your hand too quickly, you lose the game. Isn't dating a guessing game where you keep your opponent guessing as to how much you are into him/her? A lot of relationship books promote dating as a game where you dont show your hand too early (don't let the person see how you feel about them), end dates early, dont call them back all the time, keep them guessing, don't show your feelings. Do other posters agree at all with me about this theory? I would think that if you dated like it was game, your feelings would be less likely to be hurt and your heart less likely to be broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Maybe you could protect yourself that way, but what if you want to avoid hurting others? Some of us feel bad when we bring pain to others, so we get stuck with honesty as our main tool. If you lack that burden, enjoy your games, and don't worry about anyone but yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moink75 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I don't want to waste my time. You never know how long you will be on this earth . Why not spend that time happy and alive instead of playing head games. I would rather not waste time. I can think of other things that I enjoy to occupy my time other than playing head games Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carnatic Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I think people say they disagree with it because they don't like the principle of it being like that. Looking through advice given to people who are dating I don't see many people saying you should make every feeling you have towards them clear from day one, so in a roundabout way people are agreeing with what you just said, it's just that when you actually come out and say it like that it sounds too callous and takes the romance out of the quest for true love. Which is alright I guess. If there's a girl I like I want her to be wondering about whether I like her back, that curousity keeps things going and keeps it interesting. I just don't often look at the big picture like you just did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Share Posted March 22, 2006 I am not saying to play head games. What I am referring to is what people would consider "playing hard to get". In watching other people date, it seems those people that do not allow their feelings or emotions to get involved in the dating process are the ones who end up with the relationships. Those that allow feelings and emotions to play a role, are the ones who are hurt in the end. Isn't everybody's goal as a person, to avoid being hurt? being used? I do have a heart and do not wish to hurt others or have others hurt me. I see viewing dating as a game as a method of avoiding pain and heartbreak, not to cause pain and heartbreak to others. Isn't our goal in life to avoid pain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Weic Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 ^^^ agree. I think its exactly that. a game...much like poker....just people don't want to call it that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Well I think the bias against this sort of thread comes from the fact that it is about "dating/relationships" and is called "game playing". Truth is, in any sort of relationship (friendship, relationship, acquaintance) we do the sorts of things the OP is saying. I mean you don't just meet someone who you think could end up being a really good friend and blurt out in the first few meeting "Let's be best friends". People hasten slowly, laying out your feelings is a risk. Risks must be managed. To me it is a perfectly natural behaviour to try and gain an essense of what another person is thinking before totally exposing what you are thinking. As long as you are not hurting the other person through false hope, lies or actions then I think a certain amount of posturing is fine and in the dating game, somewhat expected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 The problem is that playing games leads to confusion because there are no rules - no one understands what is going on. 'Hard to get' can look like 'not interested' or invites the reaction: 'high maintenance - move on'. 'Don't call back too early' can look like 'arrogant nitwit'. 'Keep them guessing' can get the reaction 'Not worth the effort'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I agree with being careful and "games" is an unfortunate label. The idea of only guarding your own feelings is what bothers me. It would be wise to consider the other person's as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Share Posted March 22, 2006 Melrich comes close to what I am saying. I see dating as a game because I wish to lessen the risk of being hurt. One holds the cards and avoids letting their hand be seen until they know the other person's feelings for them. It is risk management at its best. Move slowly, give the illusion of indifference until the other person gives some positive reaction that the dating is proceeding smoothly. Isn't our goal in life to avoid being hurt and yet not hurting others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 It would be wise to consider the other person's as well. Yes absolutely. And DN I agree. But equally "too eager" can look like desperate Calling back straight away or too often can look like obsessive. But for sure it is about finding a balance between everything. I just think we can get too obsessive about "game playing". Fact is, particularly in the teenage years, it is how the dating scene plays out and I think somewhat expected. It also teaches you a lot about how relationships between people actually work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 The fact that so many people view this commodity known as dating as a big game makes me all the less eager to participate in the first place. Such a pain; and for what? Ninety percent of relationships end eventually anyway. (Scary thought, no?) I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, but it's true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Ninety percent of relationships end eventually anyway. (Scary thought, no?) I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, but it's true. Yeah that's right but it doesn't mean that it is not fun along the way and importantly relationships teach you a lot about yourself. I mean if you extend that line of thinking, what's the point of living because we are all going to die anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Share Posted March 22, 2006 KevinT, why the pessimism? I did not post this thread because I am pessimistic about dating. I am a realist and my goal is to avoid being hurt by others and causing others pain. Dating is a minefield where mistakes, missteps, misspoken words, expressions, can make or do in a budding relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 So being hurt is fun? I think not. I'd rather meet miss right and be happy, than go through several break-ups along the way. Not for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Weic Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 No its not fun getting hurt, but you grow as a person along the way. Even if you were to meet "miss right" you're bound to have problems, and without experience, how are you going to handle them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 That doesn't cut it for me as a reason to experience sadness. One need not drink out of a toilet bowl to know it tastes bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Hi Kevin, That doesn't cut it for me as a reason to experience sadness. You seem to have a very pessimistic view on relationships. I wanted to ask you why you place them in a different realm to everything else you do in life? What I mean by this is, for example, do you avoid getting into very close friendships with others for fear that one day they may exit your life? Do you avoid doing certain activities for fear that you may fail or they may cost you in another way? I agree, heartache is a terrible feeling and all relationships (platonic or otherwise) are a risk. It is a cliche I don't like but I do think it is apt, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved". If I look back on my relationships that failed and the eventual pain they caused me, there is no way I'd say i wish I didn't have the relationship because of that pain. In every case, the joy, fun and things I learned from the relationship outweighed the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 I'm not sure I believe that proverb. I suppose I'm very pessimistic about relationships because I've been hurt a lot in the past. Particularly being engaged a few years ago, it ended horribly and I was crushed. It's hard to get over loving someone only to have them turn around and stab you in the back. I mean, cheating on your fiance with some guy at work? That was hard to get over. I believed I'd spend the rest of my life with the girl, then she did THAT. But you know, the ironic thing is... I wouldn't take back the relationship if I could. Those were the happiest days of my life, and I'd give anything to have that with someone else... but that will most likely never happen, I fear. She was a source of great joy for me, but then... great pain, when she did that. I've dated others after her, but nothing came of any of those girls. Heck, my last date was over 2 and a half years ago. I'm starting to think I'd best give up and resign myself to solitude, you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chigal28 Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 I think the problem for many people (myself included sometimes) is that we get jaded. We start viewing people and the whole dating scene through the lens of "people who have been hurt," and "people who have a lot at stake." We see our exes, or at least shades of our exes, in everyone we subsequently date. Remember when we were younger, before we had ever had our hearts broken? We were so open to possibility, so giving, so trusting. We had no voices in our head saying "wait...your ex spun his spaghetti around HIS fork like that, and he hurt you! Look out, this new guy's doing the same thing!" Honestly, it sounds ridiculous but I've been about at that level. We do learn from mistakes, but there's a difference between being cautious and being jaded. KevinT, what if you had been too afraid of getting hurt to let your ex into your heart? You said yourself that while the end was awful and you still hurt from it, you would NEVER give up what you had. That is the exact point. No one gets into a relationship thinking it will end--we may be pessimistic and assume it will, but if we were 100% sure, why would we even try? The point is, we can be smart about love and relationships, but it's always going to be kind of a crapshoot. I've heard the better you know yourself and the more positive you are, the better chance you have of attracting a likeminded person. That's what I'm banking on. I am dating a friend of mine right now, but unlike in other relationships, I'm making sure to spend plenty of time working on myself--and trying to stay optimistic. I can honestly say that I've taken something positive away from EVERY relationship...whether it's something I've learned about myself, a new author or band I've come to enjoy, or even a new friend. I've heard it said that every relationship that doesn't work out only gets us closer to that one right person. I don't mean to be spouting cliches, but that one I really do believe. Or want it to be true--close enough KevinT, does the possible pain that comes with a relationship so much outweigh the possible wonderful things? There's nothing wrong with solitude, if it's what you choose; many people are happy alone. But if it's not your choosing and you're resigning yourself to it....well, something tells me you want something else out of life.... I try to look at each relationship as a new possibility--if not to have lifelong happiness, then to learn something about myself or the world, and possibly to make a new friend. Yes, I HAVE been hurt, and fairly recently. I just know that I want love and happiness much more than I want to dwell on the hurt and spend time with that emotion. Life's too short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Chigal, Your spaghetti reference rings a bell. Unimportant similarities can trigger negative vibes. I see slight mannerisms in people my ex had and flinch, and I'm not even dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 I should point out that she married the guy she left me for. They probably have a kid by now. This was about 4 years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chigal28 Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Yeah, I'm trying to train myself not to look for all that stuff....in the past I've admittedly been a drama queen, and I think sometimes in the absense of "real" things to worry about, I concoct them!! I swear, it's exhausting....working on it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 I am not saying to play head games. What I am referring to is what people would consider "playing hard to get". In watching other people date, it seems those people that do not allow their feelings or emotions to get involved in the dating process are the ones who end up with the relationships. Those that allow feelings and emotions to play a role, are the ones who are hurt in the end. Isn't everybody's goal as a person, to avoid being hurt? being used? I think doing that is playing head games because you can wreck someone emotionally. You're just playing, but there are alot of people out for keeps. Dating may seem like all fun and games, but its overall purpose is to find your mate or the love of your life. Not toy with people and that is precisely what your doing. Doing what you describe is inmature and genuinely distasteful, its not fair to the other person to keep yanking their chain just so you can keep from getting hurt. I don't see how you can date without your emotions, being cold and indifferent is hardly a way to win someone over. Serious relationships aren't based on guessing and playing with someone, they're built on trust, compassion, honesty and love. If you want a relationship you have to be willing to risk it, if you want shallow play time your plans are perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Could not have articulated it any better myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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