where to draw the line

[waagnat]

I have a wonderful girlfriend of two months and we're on the way to building a very strong relationship. We've known each other for nine years and something just clicked recently, and we fell in love.

 

I have a lot of female friends and always have. I've been involved with some of them to varying degrees in the past, yet I've remained friends with them even after whatever one night stand, friends-with-benefits, or attempted relationship ended. So essentially there is a handful of female friends that I've slept with in the past, stopped being involved with, and remained close friends with. My girlfriend is having difficulty trusting me with them.

 

(edited)

 

We've talked about trust and I've assured her over and over that I would never be involved in any way with anyone else because I love her and I'm not interested in anyone else. I would never cheat (haven't ever) regardless of circumstances because I think it permanently damages a relationship, and I would never allow myself to get into a situation where anything could happen.

 

(edited)

 

So where do you draw the line on friendships with women from the past? I don't expect my girlfriend to be best friends with them, but I'm not going to stop being friends with them and I'd like for everyone to get along because some of them are very close friends of mine. How can we compromise? How can we improve the situation?

 

Thanks!

[Dutchy]

I understand both point of views. Maybe you should let your girlfriend get to know your friends. I think that if she has talked to them, then she will be less jealous. She would probably conclude that they are not dangerous for your relationship.

[keenan]

I agree...but in the meantime, find another place to stay. This is as much a respect issue on your part as it is a trust issue on hers.

[Caterina]

No offence, but I don't understand how you could possibly NOT see things from where she is coming from. If you respected her, you would not sleep over at an ex girlfriend's house...and keep contact with these ex girlfriends down to almost nill.

[waagnat]

I sense that this may be the type of issue that continues to crop up. Even if I meet new female friends who I've never slept with, I have the feeling my girlfriend would be jealous. But I guess that's something to deal with in the future if it happens, rather than now. I assume the trust will grow with time and when she sees that I'm not going anywhere and not interested in anyone else, she'll be more accepting of my female friends. I certainly hope so!

[xprincessbugx]

I agree, you shouldn't stay over there. I understand where she's coming from and I think you should respect that. You don't have to stay with a friend I'm sure you could find other places to stay

[waagnat]

(edited)

 

what can I do?

[keenan]

You and your girlfriend were friends for 9 years before something "just clicked" and you fell in love, right? You also have lots of female friends (always have), many of whom you've been involved with in the past...and have remained friends with.

 

From your GF's perspective, I can see that you come accross as a guy who doesn't observe strong boundaries between "friendship" and "sexual relationship" with your female friends. Clearly you walk both sides of this line, crossing back and forth periodically. Heck, you did it with her.

 

Honestly, I DO believe that men and women can just be friends, and I DO believe that it's wrong for one partner to try to dictate the friendships of the other, and I DO believe that you're really not interested, sexually, in your German friend.

 

But...by your past behavior, I don't see why your GF should believe any of that, or why she should believe that you won't suddenly change your mind when you leave her for awhile and hang out with this other woman. From her persepctive, if you have no problem moving your friends into GF roles, and your GFs back into friendship roles, then what makes your relationship with her ANY different than any other friend/GF relationship you've had in the past?

 

I'm sorry that sounds like I'm beating up on you--I'm really, really not. But I do see that this could be a problem for you as long as you continue to not observe those boundaries...or until you get a GF who has never been just a friend, and so hasn't experienced that friend-->GF transition first-hand.

 

Have you read the "can men and women be friends" thread on ENA? Maybe your GF shares the perspective of some of the guys on that thread.

[waagnat]

(edited)

 

I think she also reads too much into my past involvement with female friends. There was never a serious relationship of any kind, and mostly we're talking about making out drunk or a one-time thing or so. I think she imagines it to have been much more involvement. In reality, our relationship definitely IS different from any of my past involvements with friends. And the one or two women from more serious relationships I've had in recent years, I *don't* have contact with anymore!

 

Is it really that unusual to have made out with or occasionally slept with friends in the past? Where is the "can men and women be friends" thread?

[keenan]

So, you're saying, even though I DO observe strong boundaries when I'm in a relationship (I would never cheat on anyone in any way), how does she know that I won't change roles again, and she becomes a friend while someone else becomes a romantic interest.

 

Exactly!

 

I think she also reads too much into my past involvement with female friends. There was never a serious relationship of any kind, and mostly we're talking about making out drunk or a one-time thing or so. I think she imagines it to have been much more involvement. In reality, our relationship definitely IS different from any of my past involvements with friends. And the one or two women from more serious relationships I've had in recent years, I *don't* have contact with anymore!

 

That first part might even be MORE worrisome, from her perspective. If drunk make-out sessions with female friends are in your past, then no wonder she's not enthused about you hanging out and drinking with your female friend, LOL! I think that you really, really need to stress those last two sentences to her. Those are key. But maybe you also should stress that you won't be getting drunk or out of control with Germany girl.

 

Is it really that unusual to have made out with or occasionally slept with friends in the past? Where is the "can men and women be friends" thread?

 

Nah, but I think it's more unusual to keep them around as friends for years and years. People tend to fall off our radar screens naturally over time. If you've got lots of ex-make-out partners hanging around you, it could feel to your GF that you're a butterfly collector...and not the good kind. The thread is "Male Friends: Is is possible" by OceanEyes. You can't have missed it.

[handsdown]

I am in a similar type situation, so let me give you my perspective.

 

My lovely and wonderful boyfriend is quite well travelled and is quite popular with the opposite sex. He has a lot of female friends, many he has "crossed the line" with However, since we have gotten together his interest in them has dwindled, not to the point of not talking to them (yes they are still his friends and he will talk to them randomly every so often over the phone or MSN) If, say, one of them is in town and she wants to go out for drinks, he always makes sure that I have met her, feel comfortable with her and more often than not, invites me out to join them.

 

This, I feel, is REALLY important. I'm not sure if you realize that people, even people you think you know, could always have some other agenda. YOU may feel that you staying with and/or getting drunk with someone you've had prior non-plutonic relations with is ok because you know yourself in your mind exactly how you feel about what would happen. Your girl does not. You have only been together 2 months, her worries are completely healthy and normal especially this early in the relationship, and especially according to the circumstances of how you two got together.

 

Right now is the time to build trust, and doing things that make her feel uncomfortable is just not fair. I know this other woman may be your friend, and of course you girlfriend doesn't have the right to dictate who you associate with but consider this, what IS more important to you? Your german friends attention or your new girls? I think in this situation you will have to decide where your priorities are.

 

If your german friend is really a friend to you without an agenda, she should understand why your girlfriend would be uncomfortable with this and respect those boundaries. I know if any of my close guys friends told me their girlfriend was uncomfortable with them seeing me I would completely respect that above our friendship because it is important to them.

 

Going away without her is already going to be enough of a "first challenge" in your relationship, a time when you will miss each other and be apart indefinitely for a certain amount of time, why complicate things with adding past flings in there? I just don't see it being worth it.

 

If my boyfriend was going away and wanted to meet one of his past travelling friends ALONE and drink with her when I knew that they had a past of drinking and crossing the line I would be very uncomfortable. However my boyfriend would know that this was out of the question and would never do something to jeopardize our relationship and it just would not happen.

 

Come to a compromise. Why not have her meet and hang out with some of your past "cross the line" female friends that live locally, where she can be around and see how you interact and behave around these other women. Why do you have to get drunk with your german friend? Why not meet her for a sober talk? Do something, suggest something different because this will break your relationship and make your girl very sad/hurt/upset. Why would you want to do that to her?! Help her understand, don't just put your needs ahead of hers, a relationship takes two, if she needs something, you have to try and do your best. Thats my two cents hope it helps!