confused

[wheeler]

Hi

I don't really know why I'm resorting to this forum, but I guess I'm tired of listening to the people I know. My story is that I married the man of my dreams 6 months ago, I'm 4 months pregnant with his baby and a month ago I found that he had cheated on me a week before our wedding. I don't know what to do?!!

[Scout]

Hi

I don't really know why I'm resorting to this forum, but I guess I'm tired of listening to the people I know.

 

Before I give my take on this, I'd curious as to why you're tired of listening to other people's advice. Because we may very well end up giving the same feedback and you won't get what you want/need here either.

[Goodfun88]

Oh no! Thats horrible. I really feel for you. In this case I have no idea what you should do. I have personally have a zero tolarence for cheating, especially a week before you guys were married. He confessed, or you have proof? How did you find out? Is it confirmed? What an awful situation. I hope someone else can offer you some better advice! Good luck!

[wheeler]

Hey,

firstly, I'm sick of listening to the people I know right now because, I know they're all really sweet, my best friend, my friends, even his brother are trying to look after me. But what I mean is that they know the two of us, so I would kind of like opinions from people who have no identity to me, if that makes sense?

Is it confirmed? Yes. No he didn't confess, I found out. He got a voicemail and asked me to check it, thinking it was work. I listened and it was her telling him how much she enjoyed that night and that she cant wait for it to happen again.

[NJRon]

Gads! What a way to find out!

 

Hmm... I am going to ask if it was at a bachelor party... not that it should matter too terribly much, but that can sometimes be more a result of some peer pressure to have one last fling.

 

Otherwise, is he willing to talk about it? How is he acting concerning the infidelity?

[wheeler]

Yeah, his batchelor party. His brother is a close friend, and he keeps coming by to check im ok and to pick up some of my husbands things. He says he's a mess. He keeps calling me and I spoke to him yesterday, he wants details of the next scan and to see me.

[NJRon]

Hmm... I don't know how your relationship has been aside form this incident, but you should probably take that into consideration. I'm curious if the brother was at the bachelor party... specifically, I'm curious if he knew about what happened.

 

Regardless, it's really up to you as to whether you can forgive him and put it behind you or not. If you can't, then I'm afraid things are pretty bleak. He really needs to restore the trust with you and that can take a long time. Even if you are totally ok with everything, deep inside you will still have trust issues that will need to heal. You both need to be willing to work through them. And that's something only you know.

[wheeler]

Well his brother Jayson was at the batchelor party, but I don't think he knew because when I saw him he had bruises on his knuckles, I asked him about them and he said he hit Jeff (my husband).

Aside from this our relationship has been great! We dated for four years and when he asked me to marry him he did it in the sweetest way! The night I found out we had a huge fight, obviously, and he said he bearly remembers it! Thing is I don't know if I could see him to talk to him, to be honest it's pretty hard right now.

[NJRon]

Well, depending on which way you decide to go, you should definitely wait until you are ready to speak to him. It's really up to you to decide how to proceed. It sounds like you have really been hurt by this revelation and you should give yourself time to heal a bit before you see him.

 

From what you say though, and while I am not all 'ok' with infidelity, it does sound like it may be an isolated event. Something for you to consider. However, take your time. Someone posted a good link to a website on infidelity... if I can find it I'll post it here... otherwise, hopefully they will themselves.

[wheeler]

thank you. You have completley different opinions to my friends, it's quite strange to hear this. I am due for a scan on Monday, but I don't know if I should tell him or not.

[NJRon]

My opinion on that matter, and I'm not saying it's "right" is to let him see the scan, but, if he wants to talk to you about it, or other stuff, just let him know that you are not ready to talk.

 

Separate the issues. Your relationship and your child. Regardless of what he has done, he is still your baby's father, and should be treated as such. However, that has no bearing on your relationship, which is a separate thing. That should be made clear so that he understand that his involvement with his child does not have anything to do with the state of your relationship.

[wheeler]

I was scared you might say that. See, I love him so much, and I know that if he comes with me to the appointment, or even if I meet him to show him the scan, I'll be straight back at the start.

I know our relationship and the baby are separate issues, but what if it's difficult having him in my life for the next 4 1/2 months? My baby needs both parents but what if I cant do it?

[NJRon]

Well, the question to answer first is not whether you can or can't, but whether you want to or not. Then, after you decide that, you can decide how best to go about it.

 

If you feel that you "can't" see him right now, then figure out a different way to get the scan to him... I assume you are talking about a print-out. His brother seems willing to step in... maybe he can pick it up.

[Scout]

I just want to say, I am terribly sorry you are going through this whole ordeal. What's particularly sad to me, is that I have seen many instances of this same situation on eNotalone: pregnant women who have to deal with a partner who has cheated. How any person could cheat on their pregnant spouse or girlfriend is really beyond my comprehension.

 

Anyway, I think NJRon is giving you some very helpful feedback, so there's not much more I can add, other than I hope you'll find some comfort and support here at eNotalone, at least. Again, I'm deeply sorry you're experiencing this.

[yeawutever]

Wow, that must really suck what you're going to, you been living a lie, you fell in love with a lie, not him, not what you thought he was. Show him the scan when you're ready and tell him you found out about everything. From there, you for yourself if you wanna work it out or file for divorce in move on. I would go for the second option, but remember one thing, do not and I repeat, DO NOT stay with him out of pity, cuz of the child you're having, DO NOT. Do it for yourself.

[NJRon]

1. She wasn't pregnant when he did what he did.

2. She was not "living" a lie. His feelings for her are not dictated by his activities on one night out of a 4 1/2 year relationsihp.

 

However. He should have told her. That's a given. There is a breech of trust. Not because he cheated on her, but because he didn't tell her.

 

There is a lot at stake to throw it away on one night of drunken stupidity. A lot to think over and a lot of soul searching to do. It's not something that should be addressed with a hasty decision. And, if there is a decision to get back together, the "cheating" is not the issue to address... rather the promise to be truthful.

[wheeler]

hi

thanks for replying, your opinions mean a lot. The thing is, I do love him obviously, and I do want everything to be back to normal! I want to forget about the whole thing and get my husband back! But I know I cant just do that, I have seen him and I cant clarify what I feel when Im around him. As for his brother, I dont want to come betweent he two of them, theyre inseparable

[Hope75]

I agree with NJRon on this one.

 

This is more than just about one stupid night of drunken idiocy. I am in no way excusing his behaviour or what he did-- but you have a long history with this man and you both love one another very much, you married him, and now you are expecting a baby together. Those things are going to weigh in when you are thinking of what the outcome will be, and they should.

 

I can't make a decision for you, but I can say that I would think very carefully before you throw this relationship away. He has alot of making up to do, and what he did was unexcusable and completely stupid, but I don't think it was planned or malicious and I don't think he has any plans to do it again. I know this doesn't take away the pain for you, nor will it change the fact that it will take time and effort from both of you to repair the damage and work towards learning to trust again-- but it might give you some incentive to do so.

 

Don't let your friends make this decision for you. It's easy for them to say "leave him", when they aren't the ones who have invested 4 years with him, married him and are expecting his child. You are the one who needs to make the choice for yourself and your marriage, and ultimately, you are the one who will live with the consequences.

 

Have you considered marital counseling with him? It sounds as though he would be willing to do what it takes to put this back on track and make it up to you.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this-- what an awful thing to be dealing with when you are a pregnant newlywed.

[yeawutever]

Yea, it sure must really suck. So anyways let us know what have you decided, counseling or leving him. Remember it's your desicion if you wanna stay and work it out or wanna move on. Do it for myself if you choose to stay and NOT cuz of the kid not cuz of it being 4 years, if you don't wanna stay you don't have to.

[wheeler]

hey

I don't know about counselling, I mean Jeff is totally weirded out when that stuff comes up. I have a scan later, maybe that'l make something clearer?

Thanks for your replies

[Hope75]

Well.......... Jeff kinda took the option of being weirded out by counseling away from himself when he slept with someone at his batchelor party.

 

Counseling might not be for everyone, but if it is something that YOU are interested in and would consider as a step to repair your marriage, maybe you could let him know that- and see what he says. At this point he's hopefully willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you.

 

When is your ultrasound? Are you planning to let him come along?

[yeawutever]

How sad, where you see this dilemma, finding out he/she cheated before the SO marry and putting up with that cuz of the kid and years together. Plus it's lots of money wasted, imagine how much they would have to seek a counselor and waste money, tons of it, for wut? a 10 mins- hours worth of foolish arousal where that money can be saved for something else like buying a car, clothes, etc. Plus I can imagine if they get in an argument will the issue be about just the argument or the both argument and/or previous cheating along with it?? How unfortunate!!!!! Sadly, but true!!!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He isnt the man of your dreams if he can bring himself to cheat on you with someone else a week before your wedding, the real heartbreak is you THOUGHT he was the man of your dreams..

 

As for what you should do now..I'd say *Leave Him*, because how can you trust osmeone again after they do something like that so early on? And...if you stay with him, hes *gotten away with it* and he WILL do it again, maybe not now, but later on..and you dont want your kid to grow up against a backdrop like that.

 

(*resorted to* this forum?! We're all rather sane and wise on here..)

[yeawutever]

Right on Antilove Superstar, good point. It turn out that marry who she thought was the man of her dreams when it really isn't. Imagine if he didn't told you this himself, what else is he now hiding?? Can you seriously ever trust him??? If you're gonna stay don't do it for the kid inside you nor for long guy you guys met, that excuse of staying is already outdated, it's 2006 already!!! If you're staying, do it for your own free will!!!!!