it's not a soap opera, will the drama ever end?

[sugarmomma]

Brief recap: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. When I met him, he was a 27 year old virgin who stilled lived at home and had never had a girlfriend. He’s Indian and his parents have sheltered him beyond belief. We fell in love and had problems right from the start. Mostly because his family disapproved of our relationship. Since the beginning, our relationship has been a mixture of extreme highs and lows. Most of our problems have stemmed from me trying to push the relationship forward. He refuses to move out of his parent’s house. He likes being able to save money and having his mother do everything for him. Not to mention his mother is way too attached to him and talks about suicide every time he even mentions moving out.

 

I think if he had more faith in our relationship we would indeed move out on his own, but we can’t seem to go a month without hindering on the verge of a breakup. Most recently, we had some problems right before Valentine’s day. He starting hinting at the fact that he had been wondering what sex with other woman would be like. I confronted him and he told me that he needed space and wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in a relationship. I had just been diagnosed with MS a few weeks before this and I was about to start medication, so needless to say I freaked out. He immediately took it back and tried to offer me support as I started my first dose of medication.

 

My heart was broken. I felt totally betrayed and I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t believe he could try and leave me when I needed him the most. I thought about suicide, but some how I managed to snap myself out of it. I started trying to focus on myself instead of my relationship with him. I starting going out and feeling good about myself. I started flirting with other men and doing my best to look attractive. I went out to a night club and met another guy. We exchanged numbers and started talking a little here and there. He asked me for a date.

 

I realized I had to tell my boyfriend because I if not I was about to become a cheater. The weekend came and even though he spent Friday night and Saturday with me, he opted to stay home Saturday night and then made plans all day Sunday without me, which means we wouldn’t hang get to out until Wednesday. That was my breaking point. I called him up and explained that I wanted to see other people. I unloaded how much he had hurt me and how I didn’t feel our relationship was going anywhere. I told everything I had been feeling for the past few weeks. He didn’t say much, he just listened and cried.

 

After that he completely closed up on me. He wouldn’t talk to me and when I forced him to see me all he would do is cry and cry. He said that he was heartbroken and afraid of losing me. He said that he was frozen in agony. I explained that he should be excited because now he could explore his freedom and explore sleeping with other people which is what I thought he wanted. He said that isn’t what he wanted.

 

I couldn’t stand to see him so sad. I love him so much and although he has his problems, he really is the sweetest man. So I told him that I wasn’t going to see other people after all and that I would cancel the date. He seemed immediately relieved and happy. He asked me what changed my mind and I just shrugged it off. Every since then we have been acting like everything is normal. I cancelled my date with the other guy. And for the most part my boyfriend seems to be back to his normal self. Except he always freaks out on the inside after things like this, holds it all in and then unloads it on me at the worst times. I am so confused about what he wants and where we are headed.

 

I am not even sure what I want anymore. Part of me wants to just give it some time without a bunch of drama to see where things go from here. I have hope that if we just let things settle a little without fighting or almost breaking up and re-build faith in each other than we have a real chance. I hope that if we had even just three or four good months that he would feel comfortable enough to move out and give us a chance to get closer. But the other part of me says that it’s a waste of time. And that I will just waste three or four months trying my hardest to make something work that for whatever reason is just doomed.

 

I try and talk to him about things but he’s horrible at communication. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants. I don’t think he wants to lose me, but I don’t think he has faith that we can make things work either. I feel like we are stuck in the perpetual place where we can’t seem to move forward or backwards.

 

When we aren’t fighting over things like his parents, him living at home, or dating other people we get along really well. We never argue about normal everyday stuff. We laugh all the time. We have so much fun together. We really enjoy each other’s company. If we could escape the outside world and live in our own little bubble everything would be perfect. He is extremely affectionate in private as well as in public. He’s very tender and concerned. He is a total gentleman, always opens doors for me and offers to pay for things. He helps me with chores around my place. He calls me everyday and sends me text messages telling me how much he misses me. He compliments me all the time. He talks about us like we have a future together. He really tries everything to make me happy except make the commitment to move out or spend more time with me.

 

Please, please, please give me advice!!!

[Scout]

When we aren't fighting over things like his parents, him living at home, or dating other people we get along really well. We never argue about normal everyday stuff.

 

Yeah, but what you are fighting about are huge, huge issues. The kind that if you can't resolve, your relationship just won't work. If you two can't work through these things once and for all - and I mean in a way that is best for your relationship, not best for just one of you - then you may have to sadly accept that even though this guy has some great qualities, he is not the total package.

 

I've had to realize that myself in the past about boyfriends I cared very deeply for...and even though it hurt like hell to finally admit a lasting relationship with them was impossible, I did get through it and so can you. What's more, today I am with someone that I honestly feel is the total package. If I'd stayed in one of those dead-end relationships, I would be miserable today instead of ecstatically happy.

 

Sometimes, we have to undergo something very painful and difficult to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. That's just the way life is.

[Goodfun88]

Wow that is a tough situation. Are you sure that you want to be with him? Its seems as though you had you mind made up but because he was so hurt by you wanting to see other people that you backed down. I understand you not wanting to hurt him because you love him, but you have to make sure that you are doing what is best for you. Is being with him the best thing for you right now? Or did you just want to see other people out of frustration and now you are ready to really give your relationship a shot and work on it?

[sugarmomma]

I have no interest in seeing other people. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart but if he isn't ready to make more of a committment after almost two years I feel like maybe I should see what my options are.

[Goodfun88]

You are the only one that can make that decision. If you are tired of waiting the relationship to move to the next level, let him know. Give him a chance to move forward. If he chooses not to you have no choice but to move on. But do not present this in an ultimatum fashion, those usually do not go over well.

[Beyondthesea]

Sorry to say but you are on the right track. He hasn't moved out of his parent's house at that age? Time to break it off! Not to mention that if you marry him you'll have to deal with his family and the drama for the rest of your life.

 

Two years is plenty of time for him to make a decision about at LEAST living with you. If he won't agree to that, it's time to move on. He is holding you back from finding a relationship that is going to move forward and grow. You don't need to be stuck in this relationship forever.

 

By the way, the "I haven't slept with other women" thing will continue to come up until the end of time. I have been in a similar situation, and can honestly say that it never gets resolved in a man's mind until he's gone out and slept with someone else.

[BellaDonna]

Hi sugarmomma. I remember your other posts about him. I have to say, based on all of the things you've told us- I can't see this relationship working out long-term.

 

I try and talk to him about things but he’s horrible at communication.

 

Just that alone convinces me that if you ever married him- it would not work out. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. If he can't do it now- the relationship will be "doomed".

 

It's very possible for you to love someone- yet realize that they are not the right person for you.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Tigris]

If your boyfriend can't make a commitment to you now then I can't see him staying around long term to help you deal with your MS! You have enough to come to terms with after being diagnosed with this medical condition without having to be the rock for him! Put yourself first for once. Make sure that any long term decisions are in your favour.

 

I hope your MS doesn't cause you too many problems.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.