Can Someone Please Tell Me What I am Feeling..

[heartbroken23]

Hi All,

 

I have been dating this girl since about October. We are not in a committed relationship (Mainly her decision) as she is not ready to be in a serious relationship as of yet. She broke up with her ex of 3 years Around July and is just not ready to be in another serious relationship. She also does not know where she is going to be i.e. job, she may move, etc, thereforeee not wanting to commit.

 

I can tell you that we shared an imense bond in the beginning. We saw each other all of the time, acted like BF/GF, etc. Then after Christmas time things slowed down dramatically, We see less of each other, now, but our feelings for ach other haven't really changed. We both love each others company and care for each other immesely. She just needs time to sort out her feelings, figure out wher she wants to be, etc. I understand this and am not pushing anything. She says that I am a silver lining in her life, and really the only stable thing she has right now in her state of "limbo".

 

Here is my confusion. Ever since I started dating her, I told myself that I wouldn't get attached. I knew she just got out of a LTR, I knew she could leave at any time, and also, I saw qualities in her that I wasn't looking for in a girl. She basically is not a girl i would want to be with in the long run, i.e. Marry. There are just things about her that are not my type or what I look for. Lets just say there are some turn offs. Howver there are a lot of things I do love about her and I care about her a great deal.

 

Can someone please tell me why I get so worked up over her if I allready know she is not someone that I couldn't really see myself with Long term? Am I in love? Do I have a crush? Am I infatuated? People tell me all tthe time "Why get so worked up or upset over her, if you know you don't want to be with her in the long run?" I honestly cannot figure it out. Can someone please interpret this for me? Thanks!

[Goodfun88]

Sometimes you fall for someone you never thought you would. Sometimes its infatuation, sometimes its love. Only you truly know what you are feeling. You must be having some sort of conflicting feelings about the situation because you find yourself caring about this woman. Sometimes you think you know what you want, but what you actually need turns out to be something different.

[Massari]

'Hey heart broken..

What you feel is completely normal I believe, and don't feel like its not normal. The turn on(s) about your woman are far more then the turn offs. And you slowly started to realize that. Her not wanting a serious relationship is going to be acceptable to you as long as you don't see yourself in a long term with her. But as "Godfun" mentioned you never know who you fall for. And you do have feelings for her, if you didn't you really wouldn't have felt anything for her and it would have been just a fling or a crush. I really don't think that you are having a crush but this isn't love either (maybe it is, I really don't you) but there are mutual feelings here. She is calling you someone stable.. so she does see you she is just not ready to get attached to you probably cause of the same reasons you don't wanna be attached to her; what reasons: GETTING HURT AGAIN.. she just got hurt and and in order to believe that you won't be like her ex she is going to need more time for that… and you can't tell yourself I can't get attatched to someone sometimes its not a choice. Just be happy with this my guess would be after a while she will start thinking the same about you.. the way you want. I had a question so do you wanna be with her or not?

[heartbroken23]

It's like I do want to be with her, but I don't. I don't want to be with her for a few reasons. I know she doesn't want to settle here. Se wants to move around before she settles and doesn't want to settle where she is now. I am kind of the same, but our jobs will takes us different places and we prob won't up at the same place. She also came from lifestyle different than mine. Her life with her ex was like a "caviar" lifestyle, while with me, it is probably chicken. I don't know if I can live up to what she once had. There are also some personality traits that i am not keen on. In a nutshell, I basically know that we will never be together in a commited relatuionship that would turn to marriage. However, we do have something special that is hard to explain. She says that we both understand each other so well, and that timing is off. I accept that. So why with all that I accept, knowing what I know, why do I feel like i am in love with this girl? I almost want her to get a job soemwhere else ASAP. I will miss her alot, but at the same time, it would be a relief.

[canonman]

She basically is not a girl i would want to be with in the long run, i.e. Marry.

 

I've been there too. You're seeing someone you know that is not someone you will marry, but you stay because of other reasons. For men, many times it's because it's a sexual relationship. If you are involved sexually, it makes it much more difficult to leave the relationship, and it hurts much more, especially for the woman (I know some may say that's a sexist comment, but I think it's true). But really, if you stay but don't see it as a good match for the long term, you're really not being fair to her. You may love many things about her and your relationship, but you need to be honest with her. She can much better "sort things out" for herself if she knows where you stand.

[heartbroken23]

Hi Cannon,

 

I appreciate the feedback. She actually has told me many times that she would understand if i walked away, due to her baggage and her being in limbo and not being able to offer me a relationship at this point. I said it woul dbe easy to walk away, but I see her as being worth it. I enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. I can tell you that I have way more feelings for her than she has for me. It is just he place in time that we are both at. She does have feelings for me and does like me, however she would date other people, she is just not ready to commit. She says if timing were different we would probably be together. My main concern is that even though i know all of this and have a pretty good idea that she is not the "one", why can't I stop stressing the situation. It may be sex, but I doubt it. I think it is because although i do know we will not end up together, I still have a lot of feelings for her. Is it love? Infatuation? Do I not want to be alone? Do i not want anyone else to be with her? It would be easy for me to walk away right now to spare me future pain, but i woudl be hurt if I was to see her out with another guy. I am so confused

[Goodfun88]

You obviously have something special with this woman and I would not write it off. I would continue doing what you are doing, but also understanding that there are no guarantees with her. Maybe she is the "one" but you have yourself so convinced that she is not right for you as a defense mechanism because you are only getting part of her, because at this point she is not capable of giving you more. You never know what will happen in the future. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you!

[heartbroken23]

Ok, this sounds really stupid and prob immature, but she filled out a Myspace bulletin and it was a survey. One of the questions was "If you were on Death Row what would your last request be?" She said "To have sex with Brad Pitt All nite long". It kinda bothered me, haha. Should it? It' sis things like this, in addition to her being a huge flirt and attention seeker, that turns me off abit. However, she is a wonderful girl other traits turn me on alot.

[Goodfun88]

Haha, don't take anything anyone says while filling out an online survey seriously.

[canonman]

These all are great posts, and give you different ideas of what is really going on. It may very well be that it's a defense mechanism to tell yourself she's not for you longterm. One of the best ways to get clarity on a relationship, and what each wants, is to make the decision to leave it and move on. It's from a position of strength, even if it's difficult for you. As long as she can see that it's not a manipulative ploy, but a real decision YOU are making to end it, she may be more decisive and clear in what she wants. Basically, you have two people who are confused here. One of you needs to take a stand and stick with it. If you are the one to decide, she most likely will reevaluate her feelings and what she really wants. As long as you remain, no movement on her part is necessary. But if you decide to leave, just be prepared how you will respond (and what you ultimately want), if she comes back to you. And lastly, pray about it. Not to get preachy, but I believe God answers prayer, and He is not the author of confusion. I know I've heard from God when I have clarity, and peace of mind about the decision and the direction I'm going.