Making him mad on the phone

[xmrth]

This issue is kind of ongoing, and I've been trying to stop, but always end up making my boyfriend so aggravated over the phone.

 

He just gets so intimidating because neither of us have much to say, been together 6 years so what there is to say has been said and what's left is what's up right then.

Well I always think he's in a bad mood... and I ask "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" "are you sure?" "did I do something?"

 

It's because the conversation is so LIVE, and he's all the way at his house, and sometimes it's hard enough getting in touch wit him.. and once I've said what I wanted to, and there's nothing left to say, I don't always want to just get off the phone, especially when I think he's mad. When he's NOT even mad! I just always think he is! And when I look back on these conversations, I feel so stupid and break down crying.

 

I don't call him much anymore, and it gives him a chance to call me, and I feel more relaxed. But sometimes I just like to hear his voice, like today... and it messes everything up.

 

I called him back because I aggravated him. I gave him 30 minutes to cool down and he was like "I'm going to sleep" and I ask if everything's okay between us (just asking if this is seriously bad, because again, stupid idea for me to call because I always think he's mad), "Everything's fine!!"

And he's like "I don't want to be on the phone right now" blah blah... "are you mad at me now?" "Pissed!" (joking, but he IS aggravated, and he didn't say it like it was to be funny)

 

I'm so sick of putting myself into these situations.

 

I want to call him tomorrow and be like, hey, again, sorry... see you tomorrow (Friday)... just so I know everything's fine.. and we've talked about Friday, and I've seen him every Friday since the past forever, but I DON'T like our last interaction to be this way!

 

I don't know what I should do... if I should just let him be and hopefully everything's fine for Friday night, or if I should call.. which I'm not sure if it would just make me feel better or if it would actually FIX/CHANGE anything.

I don't know if I should just let it go because I'll just go crazy. ..... but part of me has improved and isn't thinking crazy like always. So a big part of me is saying "you know this, you know him... let it go" but another part is saying "don't let it off that way, and call again just to be sure, and just in case so he'll still come Friday"

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Martha_

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

I think you should end this relationship. The signs are written all over the wall you just refuse to see them. I know that couples who really are in a loving, equal, relationships can have comfortable silences and never run out of things to say. I think your boyfriend is showing you obvious frustration because you are DRIVING HIM CRAZY.

 

I would not call him tomorrow and definitely DONT remind him about Friday. Just take each day one by one. My advice to you break off the relationship, seek some therapy, and learn about Martha.

[xmrth]

We do have things to say, but no reason to call. So he's calling me once or twice during the weekdays, and I'm calling him once or twice during the weekdays. And then times like this where I just think he's mad because I've called while he's laying down, or he's just tired from work all day, and not talkative because of it and I always assume the worst. So I ask him if he's mad and it sets him off, but I can't help it. I don't do it some of the times it's like that, but I slip because I just can't think.

And I'm left with not knowing what to do... because I don't know if I'm just wanting to make myself more comfortable or if it will actually help to call.

[ElektraHere]

It won't make it better I think you just want to appeasee him so you can remind him about Friday. Good Grief girl do you think he has amnesia about what day he is EXPECTED to spend with you? You are pushing him more and more and I give it 6 - 8 more months.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I agree with the first responce. I mean when I on the phone even with one of my bestfriends and we are silent it's very comfertable. One of usually comes up with something to say, and we don't care that we had a "akward silence" because it wasn't akward. If that is a problem, then it's not much of a relationship.

 

It's best if you two were bestfriends for a while, then are really cool with each other. It happens a lot where it's just people like each other because their physical attraction. Then there is not much substance.

 

If you do end it, don't hold back on the next guy, but try to make sure it's someone you feel really comfertable with and can see yourself really like hanging out with.

 

I find it's very hard for me to get past looks, and I think that when it's over I hate the person who I used to like. I realize they were not a very good person, or someone I would even like to be friends with. All because I couldn't get past the attraction.

[xmrth]

Do you suppose everything's fine and he just wanted to get off the phone? I mean I do know he must have, but I just hate him being aggravated at me being, well... aggravating. I feel like I should make sure things are resolved tonight before tomorrow.

I want to call but my problem is not knowing what to say. I don't know with him-- he thinks that it should be a given that when I get aggravating him, that things are fine, and to just leave him alone, but I always think the next time is different.

 

What can I do differently from here on out? Should I really just assume we're still on for Friday? A couple years ago we used to get like this, but in person, not over the phone. I'd see him a Monday, and I'd be stubborn about something and get aggravating, and he'd leave, and I'd not talk to him until he called me on his way the following Friday. And I always see him Fridays...

 

What you said Elektra, about him "not being brain dead" or something, was kind of like well I really should just assume we're still on and that I don't need to remind him... I guess I just like to say "see you Friday" at the end of our last conversations, but I didn't this time.

It's all my superstitious thinking, too..

[Goodfun88]

I know that in the beginning of a relationship there is a lot of "whats wrong?" "are you ok?" "are you mad?" kinda stuff going on. But after 6 years you'd think if he had a problem he would tell you. I would stop second guessing yourself and relax. Unless you've done something terribly wrong, or been outrageously rude, why on earth would he be mad at you. When you can tell he's not in the mood to talk, just say what you have to and let him get off the phone, no biggie. I hope it all works out for you!

[xmrth]

That's true... I've tried to let him go when I know I may have caught him at a bad time, or if I have nothing to say, but it's hard for me. I always think one of us will have something to say that will be good to hear-- I don't know what that could be, but I guess a lot of it is me hating to be the one to end the phonecall.

I'll have to try to harder, though... I'm just so lost on whether or not I should call him tonight so that we have a nicer interaction before tomorrow... and just be like "hey, how was you day, I did this today.. getting a haircut later... see you tomorrow." kind of thing.

[ElektraHere]

Martha you are EXTREMELY needy and have centered everything about your being around this guy. You have been together for 6 years and you are 20 right? So that means you started dating at 14. It seems you are still stuck in the 14 year old mode. I would quit "reminding" him of Fridays and if he doesnt come over well then you know to make YOUR OWN PLANS!!!

 

As for the phone conversations you seem to have too many uncomfortable silences. If you have to rack your brain to talk about something then I guess you need to not talk for awhile so you can build up something to say.

 

You know if I were your boyfriend and I had this girlfriend who was sooo needy and ALWAYS needed to tell me about the weekend, and I HAD to spend every weekend with her so she doesnt throw a fit I would be really considering "Do I want to put up with this * * * * anymore?" You better watch it Martha you may be dropped like a hot potato because of your actions or lack there of when it comes to your own life. You will think its out of the blue but I suspect that it will be something he has been thinking about for sometime.

 

I do have a serious question to ask you.....Why is it you post on this site if you dont want to take any of the advice you have received?

[xmrth]

I don't feel it would be a right decision to just dump my boyfriend, or say oh okay I'll just do this, because someone on the internet, someone who I've never met and have no idea where they're coming from, said so. It takes consideration, even if it's ongoing because things have improved, particularly in myself even though it's been a slow process.

I'll learn something and then once in a while, it goes back.

 

I don't really feel like calling him tonight surprisingly. It's about 20 minutes away from the time I should if I'm going to, but I guess my best example of advice I've taken is that it's not needed and I should trust that our time is the same as always, even though I've asked it in this post because I'm so unsure-- I finally have given myself the option that I don't have to call him and that I can just let it go and see him when he comes.

[ElektraHere]

And if he doesnt come over then you have to accept that too.

[OceanEyes]

I don't feel it would be a right decision to just dump my boyfriend, or say oh okay I'll just do this, because someone on the internet, someone who I've never met and have no idea where they're coming from, said so.

lol ... then why bother asking for advice? Elektra is telling you how she sees your situation; she is obviously making an effort to keep up with your topics and be as helpful as she can.

 

Do you suppose everything's fine and he just wanted to get off the phone? I mean I do know he must have, but I just hate him being aggravated at me being, well... aggravating. I feel like I should make sure things are resolved tonight before tomorrow.

I want to call but my problem is not knowing what to say. I don't know with him-- he thinks that it should be a given that when I get aggravating him, that things are fine, and to just leave him alone, but I always think the next time is different.

 

What can I do differently from here on out? Should I really just assume we're still on for Friday? A couple years ago we used to get like this, but in person, not over the phone. I'd see him a Monday, and I'd be stubborn about something and get aggravating, and he'd leave, and I'd not talk to him until he called me on his way the following Friday. And I always see him Fridays...

Wow. You seem really stressed about things that usually come very naturally in compatible relationships. Didn't you mention before that you'd been with him for years? It seems very odd to me that there would be this much discomfort about something as simple as phone conversations and Friday nights. After three years, phone conversations and plans are usually not even THOUGHT about beforehand in my relationship. If after being with someone for several years, and you're still uncomfortable, you have to ask yourself whether or not it's the right place for you to be.

 

I know that I've said this before, but I have to say it again: you and your boyfriend are in very different places right now. You need different things and it really shows. He is getting aggravated because there is too much tension from your side; he can feel it when you start getting antsy about things and it's annoying him. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but judging by what you've said here, I can really tell that he's distancing himself from you in a big way.

 

I'm not saying that you should break up with him, but if you keep holding on this tightly and analysing his behaviour right down to the last sniff, he's going to keep moving further and further away. He already is, and I think you know that.

 

Having your own interests and passions outside of your relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Looking to him to make you feel better constantly is not working.

[xmrth]

I want the advice, but it doesn't mean it's right and it doesn't mean I have to take it. It's just knowing other views. It is the same with getting advice I can easily do versus on the same exact topic, maybe not this one, but then I'll get something that's so far off but it just makes me consider other things. Not so much that it doesn't do a thing for me or anything.

 

Sometimes just talking about it gets me to understand more and more. I don't know if he's moving further away or if that's just how he is because he's kind of always been this way. But I agree it can make him, and I also agree that even if I'm not sure of how he is, that whatever it is now has been for a while. It's hard for me to relax... but I'm so much more relaxed than I used to be, and it's thanks to a lot of the help I've gotten here and through seeing my therapist for anxiety.

 

If this were me 6 months ago... or 7 months ago. Basically, I'm talking about when it was at it's worst, which was over the summer ago, I would have been anxious all day, overthinking everything, feeling like crap, crying, calling over and over and over again... but instead I have finally learned to go on with my day and not think about it and just be normal... but the phone and our weekend plans are what's left, and I haven't really discussed it much until very recently because I always thought it was part of the bigger picture, when it really needs to be dealt with separately... like how I've posted specifically about it... rather than talking about being anxious in general and things like that.

I'm just a mess and over think and am not normal

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

You have said that you needed extra money but didnt want to get a job because then you would have to work weekends. Have you considered that the job could actually help you? Not only financially but mentally.

 

Go back through all your posts and I can almost guarentee that all the advice you have gotten here is about the same.

 

1. Let go of holding on to this guy so tight

2. Build your own life and find happiness with yourself

3. Don't expect him to always spend EVERY weekend with you

4.....

Well I think you get the picture.

 

Like I said in one of my previous posts he WILL leave you if you continue like this or he WILL find someone else that he finds independent, happy, and not so demanding.

[xmrth]

I don't really know what he himself sees in me versus how I feel. And don't know what I'm supposed to do.

A job would help so much. I've been working for a relative of mine and she matched how much I got paid at my most recent job, which is good. It is during hours I can fit in around school. I didn't want to work because the only times I have that I could give places is weekends. And that's also the only time my boyfriend and I get to see eachother because of our schedules, so it's hard to just let him go.

 

I've started building my life, having friends and other things to do. My week is busy with college and seeing my friends, and when the weekend comes I like to finally be able to see him... and like to call him during the week which puts me in the place it did now.

 

I don't really know what else I can do, but I'm trying to detach myself from him. It seems so easy until our time to spend together comes up. I honestly don't even know... Just thinking about things I could do seems like so much because of the time we have to spend together and the time in between... don't talk to him every day... have my life during the week, etc. but don't know what else I can do. It would be easier if my friends were around on weekends, but they're always with their boyfriends. I'm thinking once I'm 21, and my friends will be around that time as well, I will suggest we all have girls nights for drinks on the weekends and we get away from our guys for a change, since we'll have that something new to us to do (because we can legally drink and go into bars, etc). so that's at least my plan. nobody seems to want to budge for the weekends... it puts me back some steps and plus I'd want to do something fun if I'm not to spend it with him. Otherwise I'd be a wreck. I can't just stay in or try doing something else fri/sat nights.

 

I know that's kind of going off, but that's just what's on my mind I guess

[VeganBohemian]

You are clearly very insecure (as am I...I am not getting on you) and acting this way will not make him love you more or make these conversations more comfortable. Most likely, before you ask him if he is mad at you, he isn't. After you keep asking him, then he probably is, but not for the reason you thought he was.

 

Some couples do better person-to-person instead of gabbing on the phone. I only talk to my boyfriend on the phone once in a while and it is usually only to say "I love you. Hope you had a good day", it is never for extended periods of time.

 

When we generally do is talk usually toward the end of each day, so both of us have stuff to say. We see each other every few and/or couple of days, not every day, and when we are together, usually talk about what we are watching on television, feeling at the moment, etc.

 

When we are together in person, silences are accepted and even appreciated. On the phone however, silence is uncomfortable. I suggest, if you love him, not to break it off. Just don't call him. Emailing and IM are good ways to communicate that are easier modes of dealing with having "nothing to say". Good luck! WTG on 6 years! I hope I make it that long!

[VeganBohemian]

I went back and read a bunch of other posts.

 

You do have psychological issues that you need to work out and I am glad that you see a therapist. I over analyze to the same extent you do, even though I give a lot of advice that would seem contrary. I wish I could see a therapist, but a part of me is afraid to get better since this is all I know.

 

I commend you for having the courage to confront your problems. Does you boyfriend know about your crying, dependancy issues, insecurities, etc? Does he love you for you despite them? Is he willing to compromise and help you deal with them better? If not, he may not be the one for you.