Ex's sister still at it...

[NewPhillyGuy]

Long story short...I actually posted the whole deal on here months back, so I'll try to keep it short. I just feel like total crap after this experience today...

 

I was engaged to this girl who was bipolar. The relationship fell apart because she wasn't consistent about taking her medication and seeing her therapist. She was mostly very angry, always yelling about something, and frequently physically violent. Her family was not accepting of her diagnosis...god knows why...her mother is bipolar also. You would think they would understand with it in the family. They always pushed it off on me, and said she had emotional problems because I wasn't treating her well. Whenever she was experiencing mood swings, which was frequently, she would call up her mother, sister, whoever and make up that I was the one yelling, etc. I tried so hard so many times to get them to understand. My ex even tried to get them to understand it was her when she was doing ok. However, I think her family was in denial. I know it was very tough for them to see her like that, and I think it was just easier for them to blame it on someone else. My ex was in major denial also. She would say she didn't need her medication because she had no problems and I was causing everything. Although she would smooth things over with her family through explaining sometimes, she would usually mess it all up by acting out in the future and blaming it all on me.

 

Anyway, my ex mother inlaw still contacts me from time to time. She will email, call, whatever, and I try to be cool about it. I reply to her emails and sometimes I will pickup the phone calls. She doesn't have many friends and doesn't get along with people too well because she's bipolar. Just like my ex, she gets very angry very easily. I become close to her when I was with my ex, and that kinda stuck even though I had to break it off. She understood that me and my ex were having too many problems because of her not taking care of herself.

 

Her sister was always so nasty to me. Anytime I was around, she would take shots at me. She would always put me down, make nasty comments, speak badly about me to the family, etc. I ALWAYS tried to be nice to her though. I was engaged to her sister, so I thought family is family and you gotta put up with it. I suspect that maybe she was bipolar too, because she was also always yelling about something...

 

Anyway, the ex mother in law sent an email out today to most of the family, myself, and nasty sister included. I wrote back and said hey, how are you doing, and didn't realize I clicked reply to all, so the sister got my response. She wrote back to me and basically said she didn't get why I was talking to anyone in their family and what REALLY hurt me, "I hope you're not bothering my sister anymore..." Sometimes, my ex calls me when she's down and I try to talk her through it. It usually goes nowhere though, because she always winds up getting mad about something and hanging up. She's rapid cycling, so this sad to mad stuff is typical given this diagnosis.

 

Anyway, it really hurt me when the sister said that. As usual, she's blaming me again for my ex's problems, and we've been split up for several months now and I'm seeing someone else! I'm there for her whenever she calls me, even though it's really awkward. I just try to remember she has mental problems, so I try to tough it out if she gets something out of talking to me. I try so hard to not take her stupid sister's comments personally, but it's so hard sometimes since this idea that I'm horrible has been beaten into my head for 4 years...

 

That was longer than I expected. I just feel terrible. Thanks for listening though.

[DN]

Try not to take it personally. She is your ex's sister and probably eels obligated to take her side - and it's easier to blame you anyway.

 

But you know you are not the bad guy here and so does your ex. And that is all that really matters.

[CarnelianButterfly]

That sounds like alot of rough stuff to deal with. I want to say first off that you are a great person to be so patient with their family.

I say you should just keep on doing what you're doing. The sister sounds like she's a nasty character, but the Mother your ex still value your friendship, ignore the sister and give support to the ones who need it. She has no right to police their lives or order you away from them. She's hurtful and rude to treat you like that, don't let her get you down.

[RandomAdvisor]

Ugh. I actually think the nasty sister has a point - you should probably end all contact with all of them. Your relationship with your ex is over, and it's never going to happen again. There really isn't any good reason for her mother to be contacting you. The same goes for your ex. The reason she's continuing to contact you is the same reason you had to break up - she's not taking care of herself the way she should. She doesn't go to therapy, she doesn't take her meds consistently like she should, and then she takes it out on you. When you were together it was the screaming and yelling. Now she's turning to you for comfort. But the end result is the same. You end up feeling uncomfortable, and she's not getting any better.

 

I think the next time she calls you, you should tell her that you think she should be turning to her therapist when she's feeling upset and that you don't want to speak to her again. The relationship is over. You have no obligation to her anymore. You should tell her mother something similar - that it's nothing personal against her, but you think it best to cut off contact. I think she will understand.

[NewPhillyGuy]

The thing that hurts so much is that I truly gave the relationship my all. We found out she was bipolar 6 months into the relationship when she started to act weird. Knowing that her mother was bipolar, I gently nudged her over time to go to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

 

Her sister knows damn well what bipolar is all about. She grew up with a mother who has it, who shows all of the typical symptoms, and had to be hospitalized multiple times for extreme depression and anger. Her mother got it from her father, and everyone knew he was bipolar also. On other side of the family, her dad's sister is schizophrenic. I think about this somteimes, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't try to mix with that gene pool. The results could have been a major disaster...I feared about the life my children would have lived with a family like that, and what if they developed severe mental problems also...

 

Anyway, the point is that her sister knows damn well what having a mental disorder is like. I don't understand why she has to continually say such hurtful things to me. It's not like I caused these problems, and I didn't run when I found out what was going on. I stuck it out for years and it didn't work. No matter what I did, it was never good enough...

 

If I could have somehow taken whatever gene out of my ex that made her bipolar and took it on myself, I would have...I still do love her very much, and I hope she will someday choose to take care of herself.

[Mrocza]

I think the sister is trying to find someone to blame about what happened.

 

She was diagnoses 6 months into your relationships. In her lows she would blame you. She was probably heart broken and right now is very different from when you were together.

 

If you really want the hurtful comments to end you're going to have to tell her whats really going on. It's not up to her who you keep in contact with- if your relationship is over and the feelings are gone on both sides and no one is getting hurt you have every right to maintain relationships without conflicting interests.

 

Why don't you write her back?

Tell her you realize the reason she has always been so harsh to you was because she was being the protective sister, and you respect that, but you have done nothing to hurt her sister and now that the relationship is over and you've both moved on, it's not her place to say who he keeps in contact with. She doesn't have to acknowledge you.

 

Maybe she'll realize she's being unreasonable?

 

Or maybe she'll flip out?

 

I'm not sure how she'd take it...that is how I would handle it.

[tylercdurden2004]

Thats a difficult situation man. I work in the mental health field and bi-polar is difficult to deal with especially if the person is not taking care of tehmselves. At some point your going to have to cut your losses and take caer of yourself. Maybe the sister is somewhat right in that being in the situation may be making the situation worse, for yourself expecailly. its great you are so dedicated to your ex and the family but dont forget to take care of yourself.