HardShowingAffection Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Yes, I agree with pablovblack. She is giving you the cold shoulder. Let her be angry. There is NOTHING you can do right now that will do you any good. Her emotions are obviously running high, let them run their route. Similar thing happened to me. Nothing that I could say would have helped, so I just stepped back and worked on me. It has been amazing. Hard, yes, but definitely worth it. She will cool down, give her some time to step back and see the big picture. Until then, I don't think there is anything you can do but work on yourself... and do it, because in the long run, you will be glad you did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 I'm going to be blunt mate. So, I call her to find out about her graduation... First mistake enol - she didn't invite you...so don't call to 'find out' about how it went. Don't even mention it. and she calls me back in such a sour mood. At this point you keep the interaction light and if her mood doesn't lift, you terminate....seemingly oblivious to her 'sour mood'. Don't buy into it...especially if you can't lift her out of it. and when I finally get in touch with her... This part concerns me mate. The 'finally' part. How many times did you attempt to contact her? One call....if she misses it, she knows that you phoned...and then you leave it. Any other attempt comes accross as needy. Maybe you only tried once, but the way it reads it looks like it was more than once. I couldn't believe it. I tried to get out of her what was wrong, but she didn't budge. I tried calling her, and texting her the day before graduation, and I got no response. You call her, she's in a sour mood and then you keep trying to ascertain why...you're meant to be making her feel good mate, remember? That doesn't mean that you have to know *what* is wrong....it just means that you make her laugh, and if you can't, you terminate the call. It sounds like you were pushing her to share information that she didn't want to share....probably making her mood worse. And the contact bro - you contacted her and she ignored it, so DON'T contact her again....leave it with her. You know this enol, this is what the thread is about mate - keeping emotions and urges to contact under control. So, I try to be the bigger person and call her again yesterday. No mate, if you're honest with yourself, you were trying to find out if she was pissed with you. THAT shouldn't bother you bro. YOU are the prize here mate - don't forget that! YOU are the guy that is doing HER a favour by keeping in touch, if she is annoyed with you then YOU don't care because you don't need her or her validation. You go along your merry away and let her come to you. Like I've said mate - I'll be blunt, not to offend you, but to get you back on track: In summary: You contacted her and asked about something that was a 'touchy' subject. She didn't want to talk about it, but you persisted. You also contacted her, and when she ignored it you kept making the effort....thus making yourself appear needy and also (because of your interaction the previous day) she wasn't 'looking forward' to your next conversation. Now you leave it - you don't worry about why she is upset, or if she is upset by you. Don't worry about not asking to go to her graduation, it wasn't your place to ask....and it would appear needy. Leave her be for a while and if you haven't heard from her in a few weeks, fire off a brief email. Enol: Your goal here is to make her feel good about herself, and associate that feeling with you. That's what you focus on. You are not here to fix her problems....you breeze in and out and make her feel good. If you can't do that on a particular day (such as the above) then you terminate the conversation early and continue as planned a few weeks down the track. I hope this helps mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royltnxile Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Enol, I have posted to you before and I'll say it again. You are wasting your time with this chick by trying to be her "friend". She is not your friend, she is your ex girlfriend who you are still in love with and not "over" in the least bit. She knows you are not over her, and because she does, she knows she can treat you like crap whenever she wants (not inviting you to her graduation classifies as "crap treatment"). She also knows she can dump her "sour moods" on you whenever she wants as well. Why? Because she knows she has you on the hook, and as long as she knows this, she will care less about how she treats you, and will continue to take you for granted. Stop putting up with all of this mixed signal BS from her. Stop over-analyzing her every act or word and how it relates to you - (remember this, this is a girl who you used to make love to, and now you are reduced to wondering what her "laying her head down on your shoulder" means?????? * * *? Think about it...) Stop calling her, emailing her, texting her, ...sending smoke signals to her! I'll reiterate what I said in earlier posts: Going the "friendship route" causes nothing but pain, and her actions and words are inflicting alot of damage on you. Would'nt it be better to remove the source of this pain? Enol, I wish you the best buddy...I'm not trying to be harsh or cynical, but think about this: How many other women have you meet since you and her broke up? Summer is almost here and its the best time of the year. Don't let your continued dealings with this mixed up ex of yours ruin your summer, and most of all - get out there and start meeting new people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 22, 2006 Author Share Posted May 22, 2006 Right, right. I just lose my cool sometimes. I forget the purpose of this thread. Everyone knows how it is. I love her so much, and I've gotten to the point where I'm not sad anymore, but actually angry and disappointed at her. Whether or not you ever reconcile with the ex, if you still care for them, you want the best for them... you want them to mature and be happy. Why can't she just be upfront with me??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Right, right. I just lose my cool sometimes. That's completely understandable mate, don't beat yourself up about it. You are in a very tough situation enol, and one that many (myself included) could not tolerate. I tried it with my current ex (for a short, short period) but when it became apparent that I would be putting myself in harms way, I bailed (in a nice way). When it starts to prevent you from moving on, and actually has you moving backwards you have to ask yourself if it's worth it mate. Only you know what's in your best interests at the moment bro...and only you can decide what action to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 Well... I did it anyway... I tried calling her last night. It was really bothering me that for WHATEVER reason, she is mad at me. Unfortunately, I didn't find out why, and probably ended up making a bigger fool of myself. I called, she picked up. I immediately asked if she was busy, and she said "yea". I said "Ok, I will let you go then". She said "Ok". That was it. Now it's time to just let things go. Things were going well for a while, and now, for some reason, things have taken a complete 180. I don't understand why she is behaving like this, but, at this point, I don't really care anymore. I just keep losing a little more respect for her everyday, and falling out of love with her. It's actually helping me to move on. No more effort on my part!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 29, 2006 Author Share Posted May 29, 2006 So, she called the night after I called her... I didn't pick up. She called again the following night... I didn't pick up. She did leave a voice message this time, so I decided to call her back. Turns out, she wasn't mad at me to begin with. Had nothing to do with me; she's just in a bad mood. I'm definitely looking into things way too much. We spoke for a while, and then I ended the conversation. Then, a couple nights ago, the ex and I went to a dance club to celebrate a mutual friend's birthday with a whole group of people. We ended up dancing together half the night. We got really close and touchy, and she didn't seem to mind. It's the first time since the break-up that we were that close, and it felt a little awkward, but mostly great. The other half of the night, she kinda just sat watching everyone else dance, or dancing by herself. She didn't even drink, and we paid all this money for top shelf. Her behavior was just kinda weird. What can I say... I'm kinda stuck thinking a lot about her now becuase of that night, but it's all good memories. She's always hot and cold. At the same time, I'm starting a new job soon, and things are looking up. I'm trying my best not to look back, and to be happy. Just wish she wasn't so ambiguous with her actions... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 Just wish she wasn't so ambiguous with her actions... See how it feels when you are unsure where you stand with her enol? If you are going to stay in touch with her, then *THAT'S* how you have to make *her* feel about *you*. I am guessing that, despite your best intentions, she still knows that she can have you if she wants you mate, you have to stop her thinking that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 29, 2006 Author Share Posted May 29, 2006 I hear ya Major... There isn't much I can do, that I haven't already done though... I mean, I hardly ever call her (I wait for her to call me), I don't ask to see her, and when we DO talk, it's always good conversation. I've been doing other things, moving on with my life... What else is there to do... or NOT to do??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 Enol, Your last couple of posts indicate that when you *thought* she was annoyed with you, you pursued an answer from her until you found out that she wasn't. THAT is a big sign to her bro, the fact that you would be *that* affected by *her* mood tells/shows her how much you are affected by what she does and how she acts. You shouldn't care, or you shouldn't give her *any* indication that you care. No matter how indifferent you are to her (and it could be for months), if she sees how much her 'tantrum' plays with your head, then you are back to being 'there for her' in her eyes mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 30, 2006 Author Share Posted May 30, 2006 You're right Major. I'm reading too much into everything. I'm expecting too much. Time to get back to the guy I was when I started this thread... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 Time to get back to the guy I was when I started this thread... There ya go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeca Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 this thread inspired me to have a brief run in with the ex. I had to goto a place where she works today. So I walk in all smiles, and at first my hearts pounding but then it begins to subside and im my casual self again. We share a few words then I depart..so far it doesnt feel bad, although it has changed my thoughts somewhat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 I'm glad this thread inspired you mike. As time goes on, you will be able to check your emotions while in the presense of your ex. This way, they view you as a strong, independent person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 As usual, been speaking to the ex every so often. Keeping it friendly and cool. Out of nowhere, last we spoke, she starts bringing stuff up from the past. She tells me something private, and asks me not to tell ANYONE. I told her I wouldn't, and she starts telling me that I've broken promises in the past and brings other stuff up from the past as well. I ask her why she is always telling me private things then if I'm gonna break my promise and tell people. She says becuase I know her better then anyone. Then she says "maybe it's a test to see if you've changed". Where'd that come from? I tried my best to keep calm, but she was just being nasty with me out of nowhere. That she's annoyed with our "small talk", and that it's "fake". Then why call me at all? Why be my friend at all? She continues on to say, "well, I guess we'll never grow up". At this point, occurrences like this hardly phase me. I've been fine, and moving on more and more. But, it does make me wonder. Why do you guys think she's behaving like that all of a sudden? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 Bump... looking for advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 enol, again mate - your job isn't to worry about the motivation for her words or actions. Just deal with what comes your way - keep your emotions out of it and if you perceive that you're getting nowhere, withdraw for a while. I would be very tempted to go NC for a while now mate - progress (with her) seems to be an uphill battle at the moment and maybe withdrawing completely might give her food for thought. It will also help you move on as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikey1972 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I agree with Majord here - I'd be tempted to go NC for a while too, it'll help you move on (and as MajorD says, it may or may not give her food for thought). I've gone NC after 6 months of LC- in the end LC literally drove me up the wall (felt like I was going round and round in circles, getting on really well with my ex which in turn made me miss him after we'd met up which in turn meant I wasn't moving on - he meanwhile was getting comfort, safe in the knowledge that I was still around and that he needn't feel guilty for dumping me). Go NC for a while and stop hitting that brick wall....I know it's hard (I'm only on day 6 of NC), but at least you'll feel in control of the situation again; it'll give you time to collect your thoughts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 I agree with you both. Thank you as always Major. I have been moving on. I'm hardly ever the one to call her. Granted, no one truly knows but her, but I was just hoping maybe someone may shed some light as to why she may be saying things and acting like this. It's just been a question on my mind I don't dare to ask her in an effort to keep my emotions in check... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Granted, no one truly knows but her, but I was just hoping maybe someone may shed some light as to why she may be saying things and acting like this. It's just been a question on my mind I don't dare to ask her in an effort to keep my emotions in check... BUT, think about this mate - what difference would it truly make if people were to attempt to shed some light re: what's going on inside her head? Some may say it's positive...giving you hope, that in reality could be false hope. Others may say that it's negative...dashing any hope that you may have unnecssarily. That's the only two ways it could go mate - and neither of them are guarantees....just people speculating. It's alot to risk (your emotional stability) on pure speculation mate. Think about the outcome of such pondering before beginning the process pal Pikey - I haven't had a chance to say it before, but welcome back babes - good to see you back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikey1972 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Enotalon, try not to over-analyse things for now....if possible, try NC for a little while and see what happens...you have nothing to lose - if she's truly interested in you, she'll let you know in no uncertain terms without any ambivalence...and without you having to second guess what's going on in her head... MajorD - good to be back! Hope you're well. Off to watch the England - Trinidad & Tobago game now - guaranteed to take my mind off the ex for a while! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 I agree with you both. Thank you as always Major. I have been moving on. I'm hardly ever the one to call her. Granted, no one truly knows but her, but I was just hoping maybe someone may shed some light as to why she may be saying things and acting like this. It's just been a question on my mind I don't dare to ask her in an effort to keep my emotions in check... Hiya mate - Im back!! So my emotions should be all over the place. I'll tell you why and you might get something out of it kid ! 8 weeks nc to the girl who I did love - I cant say Love because she is not here and it take 2 to love , so I will use the past sense to keep my emotions in check ( I know it feels the same ha ha ) As you know she is one of my brothers close friends and I live with my brother. She moved 500km away to get a training contract - or perhaps run away from things that build up in her life that she cannot face. Anyhow - guess what ?? She has increased her contact with my bro over the last week because she is back for a course in london. She knows I will get that info and perhaps wants me to react. I did react and got hold of Majord - god bless him !!!! Now that was hard.( Not Major )But I knew that she was less than 5 mins from my house and phoning/texting my bro. A year ago I would have jumped at that because she was sending me an indirect signal to break NC. In fairness I nearly did. But think about it ! Why has she increased her contact with my bro at times when she knows Im with him. Easy. To get an emotioanal reaction pal. Giving her that will make her happy and me an emotional wreck. So I have ( thanks to Major ) turned it around and removed myself from the equation. My bro and my friends and my ex are out as I speak in a pub 200 m from me. I have told my bro I was going else where. You see Absense and desire. She - of all the places in London - has picked a place close to my house and has canvased my bro this week to let him know that ..... 180 degrees and yes my emotions are in check ! She will have to do better than that to get a reaction and a emotional action. Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 Scruff!!! Long time!!! I was wondering when your ex was gonna pop up again. So, you're saying my ex is trying to get an emotional reaction from me, like your ex is doing to you??? I gotta be honest, I've been doing this "friendship" thing now for I'd say about 4 months now, and I'm no longer an emotional wreck. However, I still crave to know why she does certain things, or says certain things - though I don't tell her that. Why after so long do our ex's want reactions outta of us? We've been broken up for almost 9 months now. Why bring up the past? Why act this way? Nothing is coming of it but more hurt feelings. Why do you think your ex wants an emotional reaction from you? If she wanted to be with you, why doesn't she just come out and say it? Why the games? Why bring up things that have no relevance in the present? True, the absense on my part does lead her to call me at times, and I've been doing that for the most part. As I've said before, I don't really call her, and we don't see each other unless with friends. Some of my buddies say that she is just too full of pride to say anything to me. If she only knew that I analyze the fact that she said to me recently in mid-discussion "Maybe it's a test to see if you've changed" (pertaining to something we were talking about). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iceman85 Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 enolation things like this are so hard to guage, one person will think one thing, another will think another. If i had to guess shes either telling you in a subtle way thats shes still hurt by what you did in the past and nothing more. Or that she is trying to get you to engage your emotions and fight her back, a test to see where your still at. The best way to play the situation is to say nothing at all, if she asked you to keep the situation private just say ok and be done with it, she'll probably be stunned when you dont react to her when she says "maybe it's a test to see if you've changed". This will get her thinking a bit and this is exactly what you want to happen. I dont really see the need for NC unless you think shes gonna be able to make you give in and let your emotions out to her, if you can continue to play things cool then by all means do that if you want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Same here mate !! Pride - In the name of Love - U2 Tell you what though, BONO is full of emotion and its in check !!!!!!!!! Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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