BONO Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Have you had a look at post number 3 on this thread ?? Have a quick look its all about absense and desire. Scoll to the top of this and have a look Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Hehe, i did i was just asking if you all think it is too late for me to try... i would only not speak to him for like 2 days.. if that because we sare still together until he comes back in april. Even though hes told me there is no chance, and he is stubborn as hell.. dya think he could possibly change it? i mean i know im a big pain in the * * *... and no 2 people are the same but dya think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Its like saying when your hungover "I'll never drink again" . Take a deep breath. Now take another one and relax. Let him come to you - then you have the power/ option to take control. Your not in the submssive position and guess what THAT IS REALLY ATTRACTIVE scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 i am tho ive begged and pleaded with him and he told me i was being a freak, and that nothing can change his decision, what can i do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 You have done all the begging and pleading and that has not worked, right? In fact I bet your emotions were/are all over the place !! So he knows you love him and can have you anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Thats a bit easy and tends not to be very attractive So why dont you try doing the opposite, pull away for a bit and do NC Its never late to do that and it never too late to be attractive. Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 There a millions of people who would love the chance to be in the position your in right now - "The Grey Area" Keep doing what your doing, be light funny and aloof. Do not bring up the relationship and perhaps be Less available at times by not picking up his call striaght away or texting back within in 4 secs. Text back an hour or so later. Perhaps you can move out of this grey area by pulling away a bit ( in his eyes) by doing these little things. Get his mind working and thinking about you. By doing this you will see a change in his behaviour ie him coming to you more and you will be able to keep your emotions in check. Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 Hey guys... Weird, but I could use some cheering up today. Mind you, I don't regret my breaking NC, and we've already spoken twice in the span of 5 days and already talking like we used to, without the awkwardness. I guess I just woke up missing the good times we shared. She's shown no indication of wanting to reconcile, but we get along so well when we talk, and she confides in me for everything (short of her love life). Seems we just stand to be good friends. I guess it's just one of those days I'm constantly hoping for more??? I dont know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Mate, Drip, drip slowly slowly. Rome was not built in a day and you have communication with the ex. That can be a good thing. If you rush it you will get burnt. Scuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 Right Dude... thanks. Def not rushing into anything. On a side not, I hope you apply the "rome wasn't built in a day" quote to what's currently going on with your ex. Don't get me wrong, couldn't be happier for you, it's pretty awesome. But, before anyone gets ahead of themselves, I just hope you continue to take things slow too. Other than that... YOU'RE THE MAN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royltnxile Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 "She's shown no indication of wanting to reconcile, but we get along so well when we talk, and she confides in me for everything (short of her love life). Seems we just stand to be good friends. I guess it's just one of those days I'm constantly hoping for more??? I dont know..." Exactly the point I've been trying to get accross to you guys. You are constantly hoping for more, thereforeeee not capable of being truly "friends". She's confiding in you about everything except her lovelife? Wow, I'm impressed by her compassion! How very considerate of her to not discuss her other men! Of course she's not discussing that stuff with you. She knows that it might scare her little puppy dog away if she talks about other men. You are deluding yourself, man, the more you be her "friend" the less attracted to you she will be. And as I've said, you aren't really her "friend" anyway, because you are motivated by your need to stay attached with her in any capacity you can. It's only a matter of time before she does start talking about other men with you...because being her friend now will cause her to see you just as "one of the girls", NOT the strong, confident, and attractive MAN she once fell for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jim Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Im with Royltnxile here Being her best friend is not going to help you get back together. If you go the contact route, go like scurffism, lite brief contact. I dont know about you but when i went to high school there was always the guy (nice guy, decent looking) who tried to be every girl he liked best friend. Lets just say he was always crushed when she would complain why so and so doesnt like her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 Oh, definitely. I am keeping it light. When I broke NC, I merely IMed her on AIM. She's the one that's called twice since then. As I've said before, I'm not in this to get back together, I'm doing this to merely keep in touch with someone special to me. Essentially, I'm doing as Majord suggested, which is to call every couple weeks or so to keep in touch, and let the ex call in between if she wants. I was mostly feeling down today cause the ex and I share mutual best friends, and they want to get together, and I was thinking of the good ol' times we all had. It's bound to happen... I KNOW the reason my ex doesn't speak of her romantic life to me is because of our history. She's not out to spite me, and though she did the breaking-up, we both knew it had to happen (at least for now) - we're still both immature and inexperienced people. Thanks for all your concern though. As a whole, I've been feeling tons better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royltnxile Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Im with Royltnxile here Being her best friend is not going to help you get back together. If you go the contact route, go like scurffism, lite brief contact. I dont know about you but when i went to high school there was always the guy (nice guy, decent looking) who tried to be every girl he liked bet friend. Lets just say he was always crushed when she would complain why so and so doesnt like her That guy was ME, Big Jim! LMAO I know exactly what you are saying and it's taken me 39 years to finally "get it" when it comes to women and the "friends" vs "guy they are attracted to romantically and sexually". I've finally come to understand the difference. When I was younger I spent way too much time courting "friendships" with women I was attracted to while secretly hoping "gee, I'll be their "friend" and one day they will magically see what a great guy I am and suddenly become romantically attracted to me!"...yeah that's it! LOL Doesn't work that way. In fact, the opposite is true. Women respond to mystery, challenge, cockiness, and confidence. They don't respond romantically to "puppy dog - like buddy guys". Once you become the "buddy guy", you immediately move beneath their radar in the attraction department. Why? Because you have become more like a brother to them than a lover. Believe me, I blew it with alot of fine looking women when I was younger because I succumbed myself into the "buddy" guy category. And it was all my fault, because that's the side of myself I allowed to shine the brightest. If I could do it all over again, I would have still been the great guy they thought I was, but would have been more challenging, cocky, and mysterious....sort of a "nice guy with an edge" type of personality. I've learned this rather late in life (39), but I'm a firm believer in the principles involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solo34 Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 "Women respond to mystery, challenge, cockiness, and confidence. They don't respond romantically to "puppy dog - like buddy guys." Yes sir...U got that correct. Thankfully, I have learned this at 26. -Solo34 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 update, well, NC means bugger all, im sorry completely depends on the person and how much they feel for you as to wether the NC brings them into reality, makes them realise. Just got in from a night of ignoring him, and my gosh. I logged on by accident (auto log) and he was there............................................................... Im wanting some more advice, is there anyone willing to listen? again lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indespair Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 I agree, grrr. You have to go with what your heart feels is TRUE, and what you know about your relationship with that person. One size doesn't fit all. We do what we gotta do. And that formula of girls/guys not liking the nice guy/girl is a little nebulous. I mean, if you were dating someone for over a year and then they suddenly only wanted to be friends with you, I think we'd all have to adapt our behavior to suit whatever feelings we have. Like, if we DON'T want to break up, then we try and figure out how to hang on without seeming like we're hanging on! Then again, it may be mutual...but then we wouldn't all be posting on this site, right?? I've been steadfastly maintaining NC but HE'S the one who is now initiating and making contact. His tone changes from sounding wistful, to a little down, to being upbeat and indifferent. Then, back to sounding nostalgic. And I'm responding to his messages but just not right away. Then, I try to sound casual and upbeat too, but there's a tone there, that I know he knows...it's called guardedness. We steer clear of any talk of "us-ness" and talk about other things, but I can tell...we BOTH miss each other. To what degree, is yet unknown. I am NOT ready to jump into the "friend" arena. And if it appears that he's heading swiftly in that direction then I will at that point, tell him that I won't be able to talk to him anymore. I am willing to take a little pain now if the clouds lift. But if the rain is just not going away, well...what other options do we have??? I agree, most girls don't like a nice guy who acts like a puppydog constantly wagging its tail and following them around, but here's a news flash: there are girls out there who LIKE nice guys who have some self-respect!! I am sure it's the same the other way around. You can maintain an aura of mystery whilst still being nice, kind and thoughtful. Those are qualities that I'd like to believe, are STILL ideal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jim Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 No i completely agree, you dont have to act like a bad boy, or bad * * *, but what a guy cannot be if he is pursueing a girl is a pus#y. But a confident, nice guy, id agree with you and say is still the ideal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 As I've said before, I'm not in this to get back together, Is that completely true mate, or do you wish to reconcile with her at some stage? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 Unchartered terrorty !! Its true and a bit weird and to a large extent a very volatile phase where keeping your emotions in tact is of paramount importance. So as you all know I have followed the theories and strategies to get to a point where the ex misses me and wants to get back together. She is now starting to thinking of *us* as a couple with a future rather than *us* as exes with a past. She called when I was at work yesterday after she had left her work. I cut her short and said I was still at work and would call her after 6 & before 7 . I was then dragged to the pub after work and was not/ could not talk then. So keeping up my promise to call I left it until 10.30. First thing she said was I thought you were going to call - I just said I was busy at work and as you were out thought i would call later. So conversation was light and funny, then it went a bit quiet. I cant remember who brought us up first surfice to say at this point its clearly both on our minds and as such doesn't really matter. We talked around various things and then I took control (nicely) Basically I pointed out that relationships need to be worked at from both parties to work - thats what make them successful. I also implied that frankly it would be nice to give it a go but Im doing great right now and all our friends want to meet the new gf (naturally). I did this as a reality check and also to keep her on her toes and perhaps paint a picture of the future. However fundamentally I said that she has to make sure she is certain and assure me that the reasons why we broke off in the first place no longer apply. I did tell her that perhaps one of the things that led her to the break was me not understanding her as well as I do now, interms of her needing space sometimes rather than attention ironically resulting in me giving her more attention and pushing her away. FCVK I know but this is what I learnt. She agreed and said she would think about what I have said while Im skiing with our friends ( I better not kill myself next week or this would have been a waste of time) We both said goodnight and "love yous" and that I would speak to her after I got back - she said, "no call me tomorrow before you go !!" I sent her a text "night X" she replied "Night x" Do you think I should have played it a little colder ?? Just a update for ya. And yes my emotions are intact without a doubt ! Scruff ( kicking into holiday mode) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONO Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 As a post script, I guess i have to act like a Air Traffic Controller. She wants to land and I have to make sure she lands safely without crashing ! Scruff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frangipani Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 It's hard. I know. I went NC for 6 weeks then felt stronger and decided to just be friends. MSN is the only form of communication I have with ex, but I am online all day for work and so is he. I used to get so frustrated and hurt when he didn't talk to me like he used to. Some days he would not initiate contact at all, but I knew he was talking to his new gf. But, since I have decided to become the old cheery, happy he has opened up a little more. That's how its been since mid Jan. I wish I had of read this thread before because you are totally right about the whole pulling away to get someone to return thing. I spend too much time talking to him as a 'mate'. We have not discussed 'us' or his new relationship at all since I went NC. I hear from friends that he doesn't EVER talk about his new girl to anyone. Very odd, not even after 6 months. So, I need to pull back a lot more I think. He is coming to my city in a month and will be staying at my place...yeah, it's going to be hard no maintain my coolness. I'm amazed that hes considered staying with me, as his new girl (old friend of mine to whom I no longer speak). She knows how I feel about him. Any advice about this stay of his? I'm excited but scared as well. But I do agree that keeping your emotions in check is a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Is that completely true mate, or do you wish to reconcile with her at some stage? Believe me majord, I've been down this path before. I gave it MUCH thought, knowing full well I could NOT go into this with reconciliation as my focus. Frankly, I'm amazed she was so willing to even speak with me after telling her I wanted NC for the second time (and I know it's not so she can ease her mind over breaking-up with me - it's been over 6 months anyhow). It's not to say I don't miss what we had, but I'm that much stronger than a few months ago. Just posting my feelings. Thanks for the concern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted March 24, 2006 Share Posted March 24, 2006 No problem mate - was just trying to get an idea of what you were seeking from your ex. If friendship is your focus, then you are doing great bro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 Well, not even so much friendship. Just keeping in touch with someone I care for. I mean, let's face, it's very hard to be true friends with an ex. At least in my case, where we fell in love soon after we first met. To answer your main question: It's not to say I would turn down an opportunity to reconcile, but I'm not shootin' for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enolaton Posted March 24, 2006 Author Share Posted March 24, 2006 While writing my last post, it got me thinking. It's been over 6 months since my ex broke up with me, yet, she has maintained her want/need to be friends up until this point, AND has put forth the effort - we managed to stay civil for the most part through this whole break-up. I'd say 6 months is enough time for the dust to clear, and for her to realize she doesn't need me in her life, and she doesn't need me in her life to ease her guilt over the break-up. I know this happened in some form or another to BigJim and Scruff, but has anyone else's ex been so keen on being friends? I'm NOT fishing for any specific answers here, but my lack of relationship experience has left me to ponder this. It seems to me that the dumper usually wants nothing to do with the dumpee, at least for some time. Any explanations? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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