Is he into me or not?

[zimma]

Dear All,

 

Im new here but i need advice.

 

Im a divorcee in my mid 30's and 4 weeks ago i met my old friend. Weve known each other for more than 10 years. We were quite close and always call each other up. But since we got married, which was 3 years ago, we just lost touch.

 

When i met him, i found out that he was also recently divorced. We went on several dates together and after the 3rd, we slept with each other. We slept with each other twice after that and suddenly, he just started to avoid me and doesnt call me at all.

 

He has never called me after that. Instead i call him. Everytime i called him, he says he's busy and bla.. bla.. bla.. We had planned to watch a theatre together i had called him to confirm the dates. He was okay about the theater but couldnt wait to hang up the phone.

 

As he didnt call me for 2 weeks, i casually asked him, can we discuss about us? I mean, what's going on? Why after sleeping with each other, there was this silence and why is he avoiding me? He said, he doesnt wanna talk about it and put down the phone.

 

Then 2 hours later, he sms's me back and said that i should cancel the theater if it makes me feel uncomfortable to be with him.

 

I just kept quiet until now. Its been 3 days.

 

Was it too soon for me to ask about 'US'? He told me that he didnt want anything meaningful with me. He just wanted meaningless sex.

 

And to me, if he doesnt want anything meaningful, why should i even consider going out with him. And i only find out after weve already slept with each other.. The things he said, really made me think he wanted a full blown relationship.

 

Was it a mistake to have slept with him? It totally ruined our friendship.

Or is he a jerk but i never saw it ...

[NR498E]

This guy sounds like a jerk to me.

You don't just have meaningless sex with a friend who obviously wants more.And if you do you don't just cut her off like that.What a poor excuse for a man.

The only reason I could concive of that he might do this is because you did something to him at some time to hurt him.Some guy's can wait ten years to get proper revenge.

Anyway it sounds to me like this guy is punk.(which is worse than a jerk)Leave it be you can do better.

[ShySoul]

Hi zimma! Welcome to the site.

 

You've both recently divorced, meaning there are still a lot of issues and feelings that you both have yet to resolve. Most likely, you saw in each other a good friend who you could relate to and who really understood what you were going through. This naturally brought you closer together. But at the same time, you weren't ready for something more serious. Or at least, he wasn't. When things got more serious, he probably had flashes to his marraige and divorce. He got scared of getting to close to someone so quickly, panicked and backed out. He should have handled it better and told you directly instead of just disappering. But his reasons were understandable, though not right or justified.

 

It isn't that you were wrong in feeling for him like you did. And he probably isn't a jerk. But I think you rushed into something too quickly and with everything happening so fast, it was too much for him to take.

[miracle29]

Zimma,

 

This is a hard one. Because to be honest with you I can't make excuses for this guy.; he sounds like he had no intentions of being commited again to ANYONE...and its nothing personal against you, but it seems like it is because he wasnt upfront with you about his intentions in the first place. I'm sorry for that, but don't get caught up again with him. My father used to always tell me to "listen to what a person tells you about themselves..and don't think you can change them". This guys is telling you that he wants nothing seroius and so no matter what you want...its not what he's looking for. If you push and push or pull and pull and try to get him to go your way, he'll only run faster. I see this as a lost cost..and to be honest with all that you've just been through, i wouldn't suggest you getting to serious with anyone until you are 100% sure you're ready for more then just a few dates or something. This guy hurt you, but he's also showing you what the dating game is like now. See you've kind of been out of the dating scene and so you have to get your feelers back out there....but don't go into things with your heart on your sleeve, take your time and feel men out for atleast a month if you can, before even considering sexual intimacy. I understand that you are a human and you have needs, but if those needs will only bring you pain, don't give into them, take your time...trust me on this one.

[Alabama]

He was using you. Sadly, that happens in life. There are men who are led by thier hormones and they use women for sex. It's the sad truth of realitly. I'm sorry this happened to you...but there are good guys out there, trust me.

[PocoDiablo]

He told me that he didnt want anything meaningful with me. He just wanted meaningless sex.

You've got your answer right there.

 

The lessons learned should be (1) never have sex with friends and (2) ask before, not after, what the intentions are. "Do you mind me asking what you are looking for? Long term or short term?" would probably have worked. And (3) men always want sex - especially the ones who are friends with you for a long time and (4) if he's divorced, do you know why? Probably because he's got some issues, and it sounds like you figured that out - he was nice to you for a reason - to have sex.

 

If anything, I do think you moved too quick and scared him off, but at the same time it's unlikely he wanted more ... at this point. If you had kept t casual, there is a tiny chance he may have fallen for you. But to come straight out of a divorce looking for something long term was probably scary to him. The last thing he wanted was to be tied down again. (At least that was how I felt out of my divorce.)

[Relationship Coach]

He got scared of getting to close to someone so quickly, panicked and backed out.

 

I could not disagree more! Sorry but if he is man enough to bed you he should be man enough to talk to you about it. I think he got what he wanted and said whatever was necessary to lead you down that path to get it.

 

He's not afraid of a relationship, he's afraid to be called on the carpet for playing you. Anyone who feels this guy was not acting like a jerk, either has no clue about relationships or very limited experience themselves. The truth is, in the "real" world if it's too soon to talk about "us" it's too soon to have sex.

 

RC

[ShySoul]

Did he say that he was only interested in sex from the start? Or was it afterwards? If it was from the start, then honestly, you should have been prepared from this.

 

Even if he was a jerk for his actions, and he was, there is still some underlying reason behind why he is doing it. And that underlying reason isn't because he wanted sex, its because he wanted solace. He saw in you a kindred spirit, someone who was in the same position as him, someone who could relate to him.

 

I have experience in this matter.

 

I have dealt with people like this. I've dealt with a guy coming out of a long term marriage, 25 years. He rushed straight into another relationship. It wasn't because he was a jerk that wanted to use the person. It was because he was desparately reaching out for something, anything to fill that void. He didn't want to face the lonliness and hurt that comes from divorce. He didn't want to be alone. This guy ended up by coincidence meeting up with an old friend whom he hadn't seen in years. In his state, old feelings came back and he rushed into something. I see something similar with you zimma.

 

This in no way excuses his actions. He was wrong. No doubt about that. He was a jerk, I never said anything to the contrary. But just blaming him and saying its his fault ignores all the surrounding circumstances. It is easy to blame someone and be upset with them. It is another thing to understand and forgive. That in no way justifies what he did. But if you can understand his reasons, it can help the hurt that you feel lessen just a tad.

 

Confront him about it. If he doesn't seem sorry, then try to move on and not be hurt by it. Feel sorry for him, that he would be so messed up as to hurt another who didn't deserve nor need that. Ignore him and focus on healing on your own.

[zimma]

Did he say that he was only interested in sex from the start? Or was it afterwards? If it was from the start, then honestly, you should have been prepared from this.

 

Hi Guys! Sorry for the late reply.... But thanks for the advice. It is really helpful..

 

Anyway, Shysoul, on your Question..he said it afterwards..

 

I was so stupid for not listening hard... He said and did romantic things. Even though he didnt literally say he wanted a commitment with me, he kept communicating with me and making sure we spend time together. And we did..

 

When he was sick one day, i came over and brought him food.. And now he's disappeared.

 

I just cant believe friends would do things like this to each other. Because he was my friend, i trusted him a lot. Sleeping with him was another matter, but i feel more angry because during the ew weeks we were together, i kinda told him things about my ex husband, i never told anybody.. I really bared my soul...

 

I feel kinda betrayed.. It kinda hurts...

 

But im taking what youve said to heart.. I may need to move on. But its not easy...

[Miss M]

I just went through something where a guy acted REALLY into me, like I was "IT". I didn't have sex with him, but I really did get VERY interested in him, and was emotionally pulled on by him in a big way. All clues and everything he said pointed to him being THE guy, and he seemed to be totally upfront and completely sincere about what he was saying. But now I'm sure it was all an act, an unbelievably magnificent performance. So I now look back at the things he said, how he acted, and I still don't think I misread him. I'm now convinced some guys just have a very special skill for acting in a way that makes us believe they are into us when they really aren't. At the most basic level it's that typical case of him telling me what I wanted to hear, but geez, he really nailed it like a well-practiced professional actor. And afterwards it makes me wonder if I misunderstood the clues, or if I've been an idiot, but really, certain guys are just amazingly good at saying all the right things in just the right way. Then I spoke to a girlfriend about it, and she had just gone through the exact same thing. Her guy also seemed wonderful, very into her, and skillfully portrayed himself in a way that he wasn't. She and I compared our stories and there are unmistakable similarities. It seems some guys just exist in this permanent state of magnificent fakery. I'm not sure it that's what your guy did, but your story reminds me of my recent experience. This happens a lot, where some men are amazingly good at being fake... for a time. Unfortunately for us, there are a lot of them.

 

Sorry for your pain. Hope it gets better for you. (((Hugs)))

[zimma]

Hugs back to you 'Miss M'!!!

 

It feels comforting to know that i wasnt alone. In my care, as like yours, he really represented himself like he was truly interested in me!

 

I never consider myself as a naive and foolish person, but what happened really made me re-evaluate myself. But reading your story, i feel so much better now.

 

There are people who are just reckless with other peoples feelings, in this world. Im trying to look at it on a more positive perspective and i guess we should be glad they are out of our lives as we dont deserve people like that to be in our lives, because we would never do such things to other people.

[Miss M]

Hey Zimma, glad it helped to read my story. When this kind of thing happens, and when the guy is very convincing, it really causes you to doubt yourself, to think you must be the looney one, or as you say, naive and foolish. But there are some guys who are just very convincing liars. Those who haven't had the experience of being lied to like that might tell you that you must have misunderstood, or imagined something that wasn't there, or believed what you wanted to believe, or maybe you missed the clues. But unfortunately I've fallen for a couple of very skilled liars, and I know how well they play that role. They are so good at lying, so sincere and convincing, that when the truth comes out, you'll likely doubt yourself instead of doubting them. So sorry you had to go through that. But yeah, there are a lot of us who have been burned in that way, often more than once.