I need to confront my mother.

[assumeLove]

Jaynerd, I just discovered this site today, and I want to offer you a very different perspective from the other posters.

 

I am so bitter, but don't know how to confront her or what to say. She acts like everything is okay. I am ENRAGED and tired of doing this complicated waltz with my family.

Those feelings won't go away with moving. And they're going to suck a LOT of joy out of your life.

 

Your mother has definitely done a LOT to be enraged about. But at this age, the question becomes how to make the rage go away, not how to make your mother go away. Even if she never does one more awful thing for the rest of your life, you've got enough there to fuel a lifetime of rage.

 

I've found that with spouses and parents, it works to link removed and take another look at what happened to upset us -- if we knew that it all happened with great love behind it, would the actions reveal a different story?

 

It's next to impossible for an adult not to love a young child placed in her care. It takes mental illness or long-term addiction not to fiercely love a child. So, I'm going to guess that your mother started out fiercely loving you. How might she view the same set of circumstances that you described, if she's always loved you that much?

 

CHAPTER 1: I gave up a lot to get married when I got pregnant the first time, but seeing each of my kids, a boy and a girl, arrive in this world made it all worth it. I loved caring for them. But their father was an alcoholic, so my responsibilities increased. I got no love from him, just abuse, and often I cried myself to sleep after putting them to bed. It was easier on me when he stayed at the bar, but I didn't want my kids to lose the roof over their heads or their father, so I did what I could to get him to come home before he passed out. When I discovered that my little daughter could shame him into leaving the bar, I began sending her in. I felt ashamed -- of myself and of my husband -- but it was the only way I could think of to keep us together and fed, and I DID not want to lose my wonderful kids.

 

CHAPTER 2: I don't know if it was from her time in the bar or something at home (as she claims), but my daughter was a vixen by the time she was 6. I didn't know how to handle it. It made me uncomfortable. It also made me feel like a failure as a mom. She deserved better than me. I had no idea what to do for her. It was ridiculous, but as love-starved as I was, I saw her as competition, and I got angry at her over it. And when I did, I felt guilty for that, too.

 

CHAPTER 3: I could see that my husband had no clue how to be a father, and I wanted to rescue my son from his abuse. But it always happened right after my husband had made me feel completely unloved, unrespected, unimportant, unhuman. I just shriveled up, feeling helpless to help these little children. I felt like a nobody, and sometimes I blamed them for that feeling. I'd just go hide until I could stand to be their mother again. I knew I wasn't a good enough mother for them, and it made me feel so small that I couldn't ever praise them or encourage them. I felt I had no right; they needed the encouragement of someone who mattered, not me.

 

CHAPTER 4: I finally found the courage to give my alcoholic husband an ultimatum, and he left. But it wasn't in time for my son. Two years later, just 20 years old, he tried to kill himself. It was a bloody, frightening mess, and the only person available to help me get through it was my 13-year-old daughter. She was too young to see that scene, but I couldn't risk losing my nursing job by calling the paramedics now that I was alone in trying to support her, and she's somehow turned out to be a much stronger person than I am. I felt like the worst, worst, worst mother that day! And I was filled with resentment and rage at their no-good father. But it was business as usual; we had to survive. I had no choice.

 

CHAPTER 5: A year later, my daughter told me her brother used to sexually abuse her. I didn't want it to be true. My babies! Somewhere in the back of my mind, it all fit together -- her behavior when she was young, his depression and drug abuse -- but I could not let it be true. I asked my son, and he denied it all. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want him to deal with it so soon after the suicide attempt. I left her to deal with it. It probably happened (she brought it up again years later), and I hate myself for that. I hate what it did to her and what it did to my son, but I have no clue how one makes something like that right, and I wish she'd just forget it. I just want to wish all of those years away and have them look at me with the intense trust of those early days. And I know it will never happen. I've blown it.

 

CHAPTER 6: I finally found another man to love me, but I screwed up again. He turned out to be married and a no-good, lousy thief! By then, I realized that my daughter, who was living with me, was a much stronger and wiser person than I am, and I looked to her to deal with a lot of the mess. I don't like her knowing what a weak person I am, but there was no one else to turn to.

 

CHAPTER 7: Recently, I've sort of gotten another chance. There's a girl at work who really looks up to me and needs a lot of help. She appreciates my advice on fashion and work and avoiding loser boyfriends. I love it! I feel like a mom again. This is what I wanted to have with my kids, and I blew it. But recently, I've had to choose between attending her wedding and my daughter's graduation, which are both on the same day. My daughter will never forgive me no matter what, and this new girl will never forgive me if I miss the wedding, so I chose the wedding.

 

I really NEED someone, anyone, who can accept my love and maybe give me some in return. When I'm around my daughter, I still feel those pangs of competitiveness from when she was six, God help me, and I criticize the way she dresses. They remind me of the awful times and put me in a mood I really can't stand. But she doesn't help. She's always on guard around me, always waiting for me to hurt her again.

 

I need advice. How can I reconnect with her? I love her. She's still the little baby I nursed so long ago to me. But I know I've failed her repeatedly, and I have no right to expect her to forgive me. I want to tell her how proud I am of her, but she'll just remind me that it's in spite of all that I've done to her, and she's right. I want to do things for her, but she's made it clear she doesn't need a thing. I doubt she has any love left for me at all. My daughter's moving away soon. Is there any way to connect with her before she goes?

 

If she's failed you in spite of loving you, there's a chance to establish a new relationship as adults, one that reaches into the love you feel for each other to give both of you what you need. If you send the letter, will she feel your love? If you send the letter, will either of you be able to put the past behind and forge a future? If you send the letter, is there really anything she could say or do that would cause you to feel her huge debt to you has been repaid? If you send the letter, will it free her to tell you the loving things you want to hear, or will it push her into defending herself or sinking into a fierce guilt?

 

And is there perhaps another letter in you? Is there a letter that acknowledges the things she did well in raising you? A letter that details (for your benefit -- again, you don't need to send it to her) what there is about her that makes you so strongly want her love?

 

I sent a letter like yours to my father when I was 20 (who wasn't guilty of near as much as your mother). It made me feel powerful at the time, but it broke his heart, and I wish that I hadn't mailed it. It took several years for me to get past his failings and for him to get past my rubbing his nose in them. We both felt stuck and helpless to change things.

 

Patty

[jaynerd]

Patty, you assume a lot of things, and you've got it dead wrong.

[keenan]

Those feelings won't go away with moving. And they're going to suck a LOT of joy out of your life.

 

I disagree. The vast majority of these feelings do go away with time and distance. It's wonderful, actually.

 

It's next to impossible for an adult not to love a young child placed in her care. It takes mental illness or long-term addiction not to fiercely love a child. So, I'm going to guess that your mother started out fiercely loving you. How might she view the same set of circumstances that you described, if she's always loved you that much?

 

Wow. I assume you meant that to be helpful, but it's actually not. Fact is, there ARE mothers who don't love their children--beginning at day one continuing through a lifetime. I had one. So your post suggests that either these mothers are mentally ill (which puts the onus of healing and rebuilding the relationship on the DAUGHTER--yet another burden that is likely impossible), or it implies that the child in question is so unlovable that this wonderful mothering instict just couldn't kick in. Lousy choice.

 

 

I really NEED someone, anyone, who can accept my love and maybe give me some in return. When I'm around my daughter, I still feel those pangs of competitiveness from when she was six, God help me, and I criticize the way she dresses. They remind me of the awful times and put me in a mood I really can't stand. But she doesn't help. She's always on guard around me, always waiting for me to hurt her again.

 

I need advice. How can I reconnect with her? I love her. She's still the little baby I nursed so long ago to me. But I know I've failed her repeatedly, and I have no right to expect her to forgive me. I want to tell her how proud I am of her, but she'll just remind me that it's in spite of all that I've done to her, and she's right. I want to do things for her, but she's made it clear she doesn't need a thing. I doubt she has any love left for me at all. My daughter's moving away soon. Is there any way to connect with her before she goes?

 

Your hypothetical 'inside view' of jaynerd's mother's mind is creative and thoughtful, but absolutely fraught with assumptions. "How can I reconnect with her"? Come ON. If you'd been raised with by a mother who rebuffed every attempt at a relationship for 25+ years, or turned a blind eye to the kind of pain and humiliation that jaynerd has endured, that line would either make you sick or make you laugh out loud, and not in a nice way. Frankly, as carefully written as your 'inside view' was, I STILL don't find this mother to be a remotely sympathetic character.

 

Patty, I know you mean well by this post, and I really do appreciate the time and thought that you've obviously put into this as a result of your own experiences with your dad. But sometimes, perhaps very rarely, parents just don't have "IT"--whatever that nurturing piece is that keeps humans from throwing their young off cliffs.

 

In my opinion, the best thing to do when you have a parent like this is to run like he!l and don't look back. When you reach a safe place, take a deep breath and begin to build your OWN functional family.