Midlife musings

[Dako]

I agree that the term, "midlife crisis" has become a trite description of just one of a series of life passages, but his one sure stands out as a whopper. Since I became a singleton at 53, it's been a real slice.

 

A regular at the café is my role anti-model for this phase. About 60, with a gut and George Burns hairpiece, he holds court pontificating about real estate financing, fighter jets and mostly the bodies and sexuality of women when he isn't bragging about his phallic Corvette. All I can think is just shoot me if I so much as wear a pinky ring.

 

At this point, I've become lonely, hypersensitive, childishly selfish, overly generous and very frightened all in one sick package. Aware that I'm entering a slight decline of my functions, I anticipate my journey by examining my baggage. Constantly going through the attic evaluating my memories, accomplishments and failures to see what to take or leave behind. A surprising amount is rubbish. That's not a good vibe.

 

Right now, love and sex are up for review. I'm sure to some folks it's a disturbing concept. It is to me too, but everything gets evaluated equally. My older sister was younger than me when she pitched these scary items. She lives fully alone now.

The idea of another relationship with some unfortunate woman scares me witless.

 

I have some experience at things, a modicum of understanding of a few facets of life, but not really much of value beyond trivia. I have no children, family life, education or much of a career. I have some good friends, good health, relative freedom and enough money to function at a middle class level in California. I hope.

 

This old fool has been insensitive to a number of people, some of them forum members who've been nothing but kind to me. I'm so very sorry for that, and wil clean up my act.

 

I'm a real piece of work. ](*,)

[CarnelianButterfly]

Hey, Babe, don't knock pinky rings. The sign of a membership in the Order of the Engineer is a Stainless Steel(US) or Iron (Canada) pinky ring on your working hand.

 

You're a sweet heart and will never be like that guy. You make your list of the things you have, take joy in them. Be thankful for that what you have, its not easy, but you are alive and there are people who care for you, I being one of them.

[ElektraHere]

Dako

 

Life doesnt end at 53. Sure you are going through changes but thats how life evolves. Look at your quote "It gets better." It does!

 

Havent you heard that the 50's are the new 40's Also your posts I enjoy reading and when I am scrolling through and see that dog of yours I immediatley stop and see what Dako has to say. Sometimes your posts make me laugh and thats really a good thing.

 

Also you must have some chutzpah you got a 24 year old calling you babe and telling you that your a sweetheart.You have me a 33 year old saying that you are a great poster here on enot.

 

Man you gots it going on now bring that out of your cyber life and to your real life ;-)

[Dako]

Thanks, lady

 

I hope you're right, but right now it's truly not possible.

There's just a lot to sort out.

 

I thought my post might be of interest to the younger folks. I always found manopause a riot to watch, but from the inside it's less comic.

Kind of a dispatch from the front lines of male pattern badness.

[lunatic]

Dako don't be so hard on yourself. You have been going thru something you never thought would happen. Well your life has changed forever and it is up to you to make the best out of it. So do what ever you need to so you can get back to whats important in life and that's being happy with you.

 

No one is perfect and no one should be. Just be the best person you can by being you. It is that easy! Go look around and you will find yourself a sugar-momma when your ready. I agree with Electra that life does not end at 50!

 

From every thing I have read and all of your posts I have scanned. Your a really nice person who had a crappy year. I think you will eventually pull out of this funk and get back to being a single guy again. I agree it is lonely and sad place if you let it get to you. So Don't! Everyone has problems that they are dealing with. Some are financial, some are mental, some are emotional, and some are life changing. Don't feel down about your situation because you should be grateful for your health and the fact that your young enough to get out in the dating game again.

 

There are benefits to being married and to being single. You have to find out who you are again so you can start all over with a clean mind and heart. Your good people Dako just don't let the bastards get you down.

 

take care,

 

Hub

[WildChild]

O ye of little faith Dako! I cannot imagine that your spirit, humor and outlook in life only reflects who you are through a computer You are nothing like the man you described and you have way more class than he does. You have lived a very interesting and magnetic life in your young 53 years, I can only begin to imagine what else your life's journey is going to take you on. You're spontaneous, adventurous, and insightful. That in itself can take you down many paths. Have faith in yourself, I know I certainly do!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I admire your (seemingly, to me anyway) balanced outlook..it always comes accross as honest and realistic!

 

You dont have any children etc..some people may say that that's a liberating thing, you are responsible for noone but yourself.

 

If I was around your age Id be interested, from what I read on here anyway! Any lady with you wouldnt be unfortunate, I dont reckon.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[NJRon]

Hey Dako,

 

I really don't remember reading naything that has been insensitive... but I could have missed the good stuff I think you have a few years to go before you're officially 'crotchety'.

 

I don't think it's the length of a relationship, so much as its significance, that its demise forces one to do a lot of self examination. Whether it's you at 53, with a 27 year relationship, or me at 35 with a 3 year one. Differing degrees for sure, but not to be confused with a crisis... merely a time to really examine what's meaningful in your life. I know that, after my relationship ended, I realized that not a lot outside of it was menaingful to me. That's a sad realization and prompted a number of changes... both tangible and intangible.

 

This is an opportunity for growth and self-actualization that should be embraced with vigor. You are doing the right things for yourself and not wasting them by trying to relive teenage years. You will look back on it and be glad you began this process when you did and not even later. I know I'm not looking to go through this crap again myself, but I feel I have some positive things to show for my struggle... and you will too.

 

Best Wishes!

[Dako]

Thanks for the kind comments on my brain spasms.

It means a lot to me.

[Lunabelle]

At this point, I've become lonely, hypersensitive, childishly selfish, overly generous and very frightened all in one sick package.

And I thought it was just me......

 

In my case it's a 44-year-old female *)&^%$# midlife whatsis.......

[Dako]

NO!

Are you buying toys and being restless? Wandering aimlessly?

Being thrown out of coffee shops so they can lock up?

Watching sunsets by yourself? Counting wrinkles?

 

Tell me more!

[keenan]

Hey, I'm doing all of those things, PLUS spending my evenings on ENA. Wait...so are you. So I guess you aren't alone.

 

Since the Dako fan club is rallying 'round you, I'll take my turn. I'm sorry that you're having to endure this; I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely and frightened, and that the terrible processes of self-reflection and self-evaluation have revealed some holes in your life. You're one of the smartest, funniest, warmest, and all-around best guys out there, Odako, and you don't deserve this pain. You *cannot* stack up your life's achievements like gold coins and compare the height of your stack to some imaginary 'coin stack' template of perfection. The fact is that you chose to forgo the pursuit of some of those coins in favor of equally rich and worthy ones, and you aren't including them in the pile. Why not? It's not trivial to have tremendous character, self-awareness, strength, and wit (you do), to be at peace with yourself (as you usually are), to have friends who love you (as you do), to excel and be respected in your hobbies (dude, I've seen pictures of your work, and I've read what people have written about you), to be frighteningly well-read, to have the courage to evaluate your marriage, yourself, and your life with a critical eye, or to know yourself well enough to know exactly how to inflict the most self-harm. You wanna stack that up against children that you didn't want, education that you didn't need, or family that you couldn't choose to have if you were king of the world? I know plenty of sad, miserable people who have children, family, education, and career...and none of your achievements. If you met them, you wouldn't trade your life for theirs in a million years.

 

As for feeling hypersensitive, childishly selfish, and insensitive...Since you're none of these things, it seems to me that your willingness to believe them of yourself speaks to the impossibly high standards that you hold yourself to...thus casting the fine qualities that I've listed above into even sharper relief.

 

You want a flaw? You can have "too hard on yourself." That's all you get.

 

You will find love again.

[NJRon]

Wow Keenan! That was awesome and true too!

 

Now write something really cool about me

[melrich]

We can all paint a picture of ourselves and color it as we want to. How we color it probably depends on our environment at the time.

 

I agree "mid life crisis" is an overworked term. Fact is, there is a mind set many men get when they start to feel their mortality that makes them question what it is all about..."Is this all there is?"

 

Like teenage angst, for the most part it passes. If it doesn't, get some help.

 

Edit: Oh I see Keenan has painted a different picture. I'd regal you with some of my self-portraits but unlike you I am not willing to expose myself so much on these forums.

[keenan]

Wow Keenan! That was awesome and true too!

 

Now write something really cool about me

 

I've got one for you, too. I'm just trying to work in the moose part, and it ain't easy.

[Scout]

Dako, you've gotten some incredibly profound feedback here. I'm personally blown away by that alone.

 

To be honest, when I first read about folks' situations and feelings that lead them to eNotalone, I can usually spot some clear reasons why what happened to them, well, happened. When I read your own story...I kind of was scratching my head in perplexity and sadness. It just seemed so rotten and unfair, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why you got dealt such a hand.

 

Now, I'm not sure if you believe in God, but I do, and I have come to the conclusion based on your subsequent posts on other threads, that there is a tremendous purpose waiting for you. I have no idea what it is. But I sense there is something very important that is going to transpire in your life, something that will have a significantly positive effect on many, including yourself.

 

It seems to me you're at a place where you feel your most productive and meaningful years are behind you. But I am strongly sensing they're actually ahead.

[KweenofDenyl]

Now, I'm not sure if you believe in God, but I do, and I have come to the conclusion based on your subsequent posts on other threads, that there is a tremendous purpose waiting for you. I have no idea what it is. But I sense there is something very important that is going to transpire in your life, something that will have a significantly positive effect on many, including yourself.

 

I must tell you Dako, that I've sensed the same thing. Your presense in your posts and replies is...different...and I can't think of the right way to describe it.