repressing feelings versus letting go???

[healinginnyc81]

I guess this is something to ask a therapist about, but I figured I'd get some opinions or experiences from all of you.

 

Is there a difference between letting go of feelings and repressing them? I mean how do you know if you're letting them go or if you're just repressing them and they'll lie dormant then come back the next time you're in a relationship or in some other situation?

 

It seems to me that going on 3 months after my breakup, I'm doing a lot better and I'm no longer depressed. I still miss my ex but I'm starting to focus on my own life now. The only thing is I still get anxious every time I see her, the feelings of betrayal and loss come back to me, etc. and I'm wondering if I'm just pushing the feelings back and not really dealing with them. I don't want to end up with intimacy or trust issues, or whatever because I didn't deal with my feelings now. I can't avoid seeing her because she lives in my dorm building and has classes with me and is part of the same clubs as me.

 

Anyone have any insights or opinions? Thanks everyone.

[melrich]

I think there is probably a fine line between the two. You'll probably always get some sort of feeling when you think about the ex or see her but the gaps between those thoughts will get longer and longer with time and the feelings will become less intense.

 

I think it's pretty unlikely that that the feelings you have had over the break up are likely to lead to long term intimacy or trust issues unless there was a major trauma involved.

[Scotcha]

I think if you truly are letting go you will be seeing positive changes in yourself. The emotional burden will eventually become lighter as you become stronger until you one day realise that there is no need to be carrying it around any longer.

 

On the other hand, if you are supressing your emotions I believe that some negative changes may be apparent. For example, becoming selfish/self centered, cold, or closed off.

 

Moving on takes time and it's impossible to process and handle all those emotions at once. They have to be worked through and learned from but as long as you are facing them, even if it is slowly, you're not supressing them.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think there's a big difference in the two. You repress to make through the first period, its not good for you because the feelings always find a way of bubbling back up. Your healthiest thing to do is to let go or just moving on. Letting go clears out all the muck that accumulates and builds with the festering your emotions do when they're stuck inside for too long. Moving on doesn't always mean letting go, you can still have feelings, but they don't dominate you and you can go on with life with only a minor thought to the past.

[healinginnyc81]

So when you let go, how do you know that you're letting go and not just becoming numb to your feelings?

 

I feel like maybe I'm just getting used to being alone and maybe become insensitive to the loneliness. i'm saying to myself now that next time i won't be insecure, i'll be happy with myself, i will keep my own life, and all that. But then when next time comes along i may become even more insecure because i didn't really overcome these feelings, i just pushed them aside.

 

It's confusing

[luvagain]

Those are good question bkjsun. I've been wondering the same thing. I feel that I'm making progress but there are times when i break down and start crying. I feel that the repressed feelings are surfacing. I haven't fully released all my feelings so I've had to hold them in. There are times, however; when I'm numb and I don't feel anything and that worries me. Some days are harder than others.

 

I think about the next relationship I will be in and I don't want tmy partner to deal with things I haven't dealt with. Even then, if I have dealt with them, I don't want her to deal with trust issues and insecurities. I don't want my partner to pay for the ex behaviour. I guess the answer to that is don't get invloved until youare fully healed or over your ex.

 

Break ups, I have come to realize, makes life more complicated and painful.

[healinginnyc81]

Break ups, I have come to realize, makes life more complicated and painful.

 

Sometimes I feel like that, sometimes I disagree. It depends on my mood. There are days when I see the good things that have come out of this breakup like me focusing on my self confidence issues and on making a life for myself instead of depending on someone else. Then other days I'm like why the hell does anyone have to suffer like this?

 

But this whole idea of NC is to avoid feeling bad. But wouldn't it be better to look at pictures of them and feel sad until we've released our sadness?

[luvagain]

But wouldn't it be better to look at pictures of them and feel sad until we've released our sadness?

 

It's still torture to look at photos, don't you think? You are still fantasizing about the past. I was told to put away all photos, cards, any reminder and box them up. I was told that when I was ready I would open the box and look through them again without having to feel sad. I have put all reminders away and have put them deep in my closet until i'm ready to see them again. I don't think I ever want to see them again. Time will tell.

[Diggitydave]

Feelings of your broken heart are very very hard to deal with. I am sure most people including myself battle with whether or not we should let them come out and hurt, or try and block them out. They are so painful that sometimes the only thing that makes sense is to immediately force them out.

This is just me but; i have come to the conclusion that forcing them out only makes them come back full swing later on. I would equate repressing the feelings to holding your hand over a bleeding wound on your arm. Although you are stopping the bleeding right now, once you take your hand off it will bleed profusely. That is why we were designed to let it scab up and heal. I have kind of succepted to the feelings and they hurt very badly but i am just kind of letting them come, crying as much as i can if needed, and dealing.

 

This might be a lil gross but, you know how when you have to go potty and you hold it in and after a while it kinda goes away? Later on, you have to go a lot worse right?

 

The feelings and hurt is your body and mind cycling out all those emotions. You were actually designed to hurt. It doesn't mean you can't do anything to deal with the pain a little bit like talk about it or cry, you're supposed to deal with it that way. It's equivalent to using a band-aid. It won't heal the wound but it will help.

 

This is just me.

 

Dave

[luvagain]

You have a very good point, Diggitydave.

 

The feelings and hurt is your body and mind cycling out all those emotions....It's equivalent to using a band-aid.

 

I feel better after I cry but it hurts when the tears and emotions come out of the blue. There are times when I'm having a good day and sudddenly I want to break down because it hits me, she's gone. Out of the blue it hits me and I get an empty feeling and I start thinking about whether I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

[Diggitydave]

You will. The hardest lesson to learn right now is patience. I know how those feelings can come. Faith is believing something we can't see that will happen. Fear is the opposite of faith. Do not fear my friend. I know it's hard when someone important in our life is gone. We fear what our lives will be like without them. The grand scope of your life, this is a small speck. In the bible it says that Jesus is a lamp unto our feet, not unto our entire life. We can see whats right in front of us but not necessarily years into the future. Have faith my friend and live your life with what is in front of you right now. Do not fear what will happen but have faith that whatever God is going to give to you will be right for you. When you do meet someone new, and fall in love, you will thank the situation you are going through now because it made you stronger. It is hard to thank the drill sergeant in the army when you're doing 300000 pushups, but you'll thank him when you have to lift a 200 lb log off your chest in the middle of cambodia.

 

Be patient in faith and let those feelings come.

[luvagain]

Thanks Diggitydave. Sometimes it's those words of encouragement that keep me moving forward.

 

Cry out to Jesus

 

I do, everyday. I ask for strength and patience. I ask that all those who are going through the same thing find peace and love. That their hearts heal and regain what they lost. He hasn't heard me yet but I think eventually he will and when that day comes I will be ready to receive what's coming to me.

 

I hope the best for you friend. Thank you for your kind words.

[Diggitydave]

look up in the bible broken and contrite heart.

[luvagain]

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalm 51:17

[healinginnyc81]

I don't really know if I believe in any divine power. But I agree with the idea of having faith that things will get better and that I will be better because of this, if only because I know logically and from other people's experiences that letting the feelings run their course and learning to overcome this will make me a better and stronger person.

 

It's tough to see when exactly we're letting our feelings run their course and when we're just letting our feelings keep us down instead of moving on.