if he had the chance to ask the world to dance...

[foriamrin]

...then he'd be dancing with himself

 

since you all were so helpful before, (seriously, NICE job, everythings going great now) i need some advice for a friend of mine

 

and no, this isnt one of those, its-really-about-me-but-ill-say-its-a-friend things

this is serious

 

ive known this kid forever

its always been spence and clay

a dynamic duo, been hanging out since as long as i can remember.

 

last summer came, bringing with it, 2 bad girlfriends and finally a GREAT one (and i owe you all alot for that)

that summer was great, i had a lot of fun, i was never without spence. and spence was never without the sight of seeing me snuggle up to 3 cute girls while none for him all summer long.

 

needless to say he was PISSED OFF. of course it was all envy, and we got that cleared up. now, all i want to do is help the kid. but i know if i try to "set him up" with some random girl it wont work. so i gave up, and just hoped he gets the girl he deserves.

 

NOW, the fun part... the other day he tells me: hey clay, whats up? just made out with a girl! (im a bit skeptical, a few years back this kid told me he had a gf cause some girl joked about it online) im like wow, is she cool?

he tells me about her. at least what he knows, turns out he doesnt even know her last name. immideately i am enraged.... luckily its on aim and i can hide everything....

 

i think why i got so pissed is because, hes so starved for love at this point hell take anyone, and of course hes gonna be biased about this girl cause he just fooled around with her. this girl could be anyone

 

turns out shes a complete know it all, (and lets just say she gets around), as she described to us all the different locations shes made out with guys. spence is just completely fine with this. I was pissed FOR him... in fact enough for both of us, maybe 3 people. hes giving away his first, precious kisses. hes only got one first kiss, and hes wasting it on this * * * * *!

 

i want the best for this kid so badly, but hes too desperate, and thats the only type of people hes going to attract right?

 

am i wrong in being so mad?

 

what should i tell this kid?

 

how can i help him?

 

how can i help him get with a reasonable girl without interfering so much...?

 

any and all feedback is appreciated

[Alabama]

If he's already given up on himself, than what can you do? I suppose try to reason with him. Tell your friend that you want to help and he doesn't have to become desperate and choose some random girl. But it is for him to decide if you're right and he must be the one to make the right decision. Just tell him the truth of what you think of his decision now, and see where things go. Good luck.

[ShySoul]

All you can do is reason and be a friend. Let him know what you think, be honest and make sure he knows it comes from the heart because you care about him. But out all the facts logically. Let him know he is a great guy who deserves better. Let him know this girl seems like trouble. However, you can't force him to not see her. Call it like it is and don't play games. But he has to be the one to see things on his own. I hope he does because he seems like a good person.

[foriamrin]

sure thing. i can say i have taken your advice in the past. everytime it came out sugar coated and WAY to watered down. turns out she was just looking for "friends with benefits" (a nice way to say casual sex partner...). and he said yes... hes preached to me before, about how dumb that is. not only that but hes going to a dance with this girl.... thats his problem i guess. he doesnt think, in the heat of the moment, and then he regrets his absent-minded decisions later.

 

now that he finally called her up (after accepting the two offers mentioned previously) and said he actually doesnt want to dance, or be FWB, he still wants to be friends with her. like you said, it isnt my place to tell him who to hang out with, i just thought he could judge that on his own. i thought he would KNOW better. im glad he ended things with her, but it just doesnt seem like hes learned anything... this has been a complete catastrophe for everyone, and i just want him to LEARN something...

 

and i cant really explain it. what i want him to learn how folly he was. he just puts her in the loss column with a few other girls. he doesnt realize that he was out of his mind for even liking her in the first place

 

ontop of that he BLAMES me for it not working out. he asked her out. she said no. i dont see where i fit into this equation. seeing as how i met her once, and was quite pleasant to her.

 

the fact that he blames me reinforces my previous point. he just doesnt get it. even IF i was to blame for "breaking them up", that is probably the best thing i could have done for him! i just wish he could see that....

2 hour convorsation online and he didnt get it.... ive used up every way to say what i just said. i tried in person for a little while, he just doesnt understand...

[ShySoul]

foriamrin, You are a good friend for wanting to help him out and get him to see his mistakes. But you can't do any more then you already have. There comes a point where they just have to learn on their own, as hard as it may be to watch. If he doesn't get it, than thats too bad. He may end up with his heart broken again and again, but its something that he brings on himself and something he has to fix himself. Believe me, I've wanted to scream at people for making obvious mistakes that just come back to hurt them. Have screamed a few times. But its not you that needs to do anything, its them. So just let it be. If he asks you, say what you think. If you see him about to make the mistake again, politely comment on it. If you doesn't agree or listen, let him make his own mistake. Eventually, he'll be so tired of hurting, he'll wake up himself.

[foriamrin]

ill try

its so hard watching him, but i guess youre right