Things are over again....very confused

[texasman123]

I recently gotabck together with my ex (about twoweks ago), and I am very confused as she is again being very strange and thins are essetially over again. We were apart for 3 month. I started dating someone during that time period for abouta month and that really didn't work. Even thoguh she did not know about this she started texting me and calling me with some regualarity about a month ago after we had decided not to talk/see each other. It was hard but I was fine with it

 

Two weeks ago we had dinner and professed that she wanted to get back; still had strong feelings; etc... We did sort of and things were great but after last weekend she started acting strange and depressed. the initial brakup was casused by her saying she did not have as strong felings as I did which I did not really believe since she was more of a factor in the relationship; But mainly she wanted to be "single" and felt she was not ready for a serious relationship.

 

Now things are back apart. She again said she did not have as strong of feelings as she thought she would, BUT this completely contridicted what she had said the night before, when she said she could not believe how strongly she felt.

 

My question is that since she has not dated anyone at all, could she really be just freaked to be in a realtionship right now? Is there too much damage from the back and forth for us to ever be together again?

[DN]

I think that someone who is that indecisive about her feelings is too dangerous to your well-being to risk being involved with at any level. I advise letting her go, going no contact and moving on as soon as you feel you can.

[robowarrior]

She is too 'unstable' to participate into a relationship with you. She needs to make up her mind on what she wants instead of jumping from branch to branch like a monkey on a tree. You want someone you can depend on.

[Lansing]

As an outsider, it is clear that you should move on. However, it is also a tricky thing to "move on". Do you mind posting what happened with the 21 year old (I just read one of your older threads to get some background). How come it didn't work out? She just wanted something casual?

[BONO]

Mate,

 

Read this thread.

 

Some good insights.

 

 

 

Scruff

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi texasman123,

 

I agree she is confused and doesn't know what she wants right now, at the moment. She needs to figure and find out what she wants and needs.

 

I have a question for you however, what do you want from her and the possible future relationship? It seems from the post that she is the one searching and you are holding on. Her saying that she wants to get back and still has strong feelings and you and then turning it all around seems to be an indecisive comment and feeling she has that will string you along. You can of course wait for her to make up her mind, and if you wait, she will make you mind up too. I don't think this is healthy for your sake.

 

It sounds as if she is wanting space and time to ultimately make up her mind as to what she wants. I feel when somebody says this you should take the space and time they want to make up your mind too. Give them what they want and take what you need.

 

I don't mean be hostile, mean, and snobbish or anything like that. Don't worry about what they are doing either. Just take the time to see what is going to happen next. We can't force things to happen, they just happen over time.

 

Just my thoughts.

Best of luck

bcuzitwasfun

[texasman123]

As a response to the two questions.

 

Firstly, the thing with the 21 year old fizzled. She was great but a little too young. It just was not right. I'm not sure if it is totally done but it seems to be now..

 

Secondly i do want a long term thing with my ex. She is wonderfuland perfect for me, and i have trouble figuring out what is going on. she is very indesisive on EVERYTHING. She almost moved twic ein the laqst two years but pulled out last minute and has never left the state she lives in. She also has not had a relationship as serious as ours was since her ex from college. She is 25. She has huge trouble trusting men and that fact that she trusts me is HUGE for her. I think her feelings are there, but she is worried to take the plunge so to speak. I remmeber when she first said she loved me it was very heartfelt and emotional, and then a week later she said she was unsure because she felt that next progression of things would lead to house/marriage and she was not sure if she was ready (and frankly I was not either but tried to tell her this). Two weeks ago when we got back it was the same thing. She was so sure when she got back and then so unsiure a few weeks later. Her friends all tell me it tortures her how she feels about me....

 

Update:

 

She called last night and we spoke for about an hour. She wanted to ask advice and talk , and talk, and talk. she also wanted to ask if she could call my mom for a refernce to a job she wants. I said whatever it was up to her (they love each other). I haqve no idea what the future holds. I have been moving on, and I will be fine in the end, but I am going to leave the door open a crack for this once-in-a-lifetime girl. I know it wil take a earthquake for her to date someone else because of how she is, and I think this whole thing is due to a life funk she is in ( she HATES her job) that is making her a slight bit crazy.

 

I think with some people they allow aspects of their lives to overrun their whole life and I think this is athe case. She has ALWAYS tried to keep in touch regualry and she knows how I feel ( i dont tell her), so she knows that there might be a chnace down the road. I fully expect for more drama down the road be it good or bad. Right now I can handle all of this but I do really miss her. Its frustrating thought because I know in a way she always looks to me to make the big moves and is likely being stubborn. she always answers any calls and always asks if things are "ok" between us. I'll keep you posted but I think this is the mindset of a truly confused girl and nothing else. definitely no other man in the pitcure...

[BONO]

Some deals take longer to close than others due to the complex nature of the situation and product offered.

 

However putting all your eggs in one basket is never the way forward. Be hopeful the deal lands - but dont focus soley on it.

 

 

Scruff

[texasman123]

So this week after being together a few weeks ago and then having things end again, I did not hear from my ex all last week pretty much. Then sunday I get a bunch of textes. Then monday I get an hour long call (I was very low key). then tuesday more textes. Then wednesday more textes. Then yuesterday I was in her office. She was asking me a ton of questions about stuff, at one point it got a little tense over MY answers to some questions, she then called to say she was sorry if she was short and then text'd a few more times over th night. It totally goes to show how NC works. She cannot stay away....she has a job interview on monday that my mom helped set up for her (they have become friends through all this, whatever). If she gets the job and is set on staying things will get even more interesting i think. She has still not been on one date since our breakup and this way of being is very strange. something is weird here....I'm already pretty much done. I have no reaction if I do not hear, but i figure I might as well stil talk to her and see what happens...Thoughts?

[BONO]

Texasman,

 

Your a bright guy . Go with whats is good for you - but be prepared for the "lets be friends" nonsense.

 

I had all this at xmas. The more NC the more she called until we had a chat.

 

Result : She could not make her mind up

 

Im not at all saying your situation is the same - sometimes as you have said LC can lead to reconcilation. But my thoughts are why hasn't she just come out with it ? She knows who you are - what else does she need to know ?

 

NC seems to be having results for you.

 

I dont know what else to say mate

 

 

Scruff

[texasman123]

I hear you. I really have no expectations. I am pretty resiliant person so I am really fine for the timebeing. I figure I have it both ways. I can still talk to her and see what happens while exploring other options. I know she's great, but if I meet something better - great. If she comes back - great. Its this attitude that resonates with her I think. That being said, she is a very different type of girl than anything I have ever seen. It takes and earthquake for her to trust a guy and she simply has not dated or even sniffed a single date since us. Plus she has become very good friends with my mom in the meantime. We'll see, just thought I would put it out there how much this works. to be honest, and I hate to say this, I almost enjoy the back and forth. Definataly keeps life interesting. Its her that makes akll these moves...

[BONO]

Well there you go then. You have answered your own question.

 

You have a similar situaton to me

 

Good luck !

 

( this is not the end to the saga - in fact is it a bit like Dallas with JR etc) Ha ha

 

 

Scruff

[texasman123]

So what are the signs you are getting?

 

How long does it go before she contacts you?

[BONO]

I'm not sure if the signs are towards me or just because we share the same friends.

 

1) Always on her group emails

2) Tried to get on a ski hol im off on - although saying no 5 times before

3) Turns up to my bro b'day - although agreeing not to have contact

4) Texts me after my bro b'day to see if im Ok ?

5) Organises to spend the day shopping with me (however I did agree)

6) Organises to come down 2 weeks later to another party.

 

Just signs which are great - but thats all they are. SIGNS.

 

Unless she says lets get back she can throw all the signs she wants at me. Its how I react to these signs in an adult manner to prevent the friends with benefits nonsense. In short, to protect me.

 

 

In terms of time for NC - the longest has been just under a month. Normally she has broken NC(sometimes me in the past) . I plan to beat that record pretty soon !! In fact I Need to !

 

Scruff

[BONO]

How ya doing mate ??

 

 

Scruff