Chance encounters

[Miss M]

I used to wonder how I would respond if I ever got hit on by a bi or lesbian. Would I feel repulsed? Would I want to run away fast? Well, I think it "sorta" happened yesterday and it really made me laugh.

 

While I was sitting outside of Starbucks, a woman walked towards the door. She was wearing a gorgeous blue dress, and blue is my FAVORITE color, so I did what I usually do at times like that... I stared, smiled a lot, and my eyes glazed over. And usually when that happens, I eventually pull myself together again, apologize for staring, give lots of compliments, and explain that blue is simply my FAVORITE color. And I'm usually immediately forgiven and get a favorable response. But this time, this woman smiled at me in a certain way... well, it's hard to describe, but I just knew she felt attracted to me, you know, in that way. Then I started giggling. It was especially funny because a guy was also looking at her, beaming, and had eagerly hopped up to hold the door for her, obviously hoping she'd be impressed with him. He was clearly attracted to her, and she was totally oblivious to him and was clearly attracted to me. So the whole thing was so ridiculously funny. I couldn't help but laugh at how funny and clumsy we all were, trying to catch the eye of someone who was trying to cath the eye of another.

 

But then I realized... many of us women naturally have that very "sisterly" way of acknowledging each other when we're out. Warm chance encounters with women I've never met before happen all the time, and I take them for granted, (but I shouldn't). If I'm in the fabric store we end up talking about the outfit we're working on, or the ridiculously big stash of fabric at home. If I'm at the ice cream stand, we talk about the calories and our spreading hips. If it's a mother with her children, we talk about the antics of our children. If I'm at the bookstore we talk about our love for books. (And if she's wearing a gorgeous blue dress, we'll talk about my FAVORITE color. ). It happens very naturally that one woman will put out a feeler, and often another woman just very naturally responds, takes the hook, without a second thought. (I just love how that happens. ) But only yesterday did I realize that many of those encounters have probably been with bi's/lesbians. Even though I've often had lesbian friends, I really hadn't ever thought of that before.

 

Anyone else have any similar thoughts to share about friendly/funny/weird encounters when the sexual orientations don't quite match up?

[renaissancewoman101]

I have been hit on by one before. But it doesnt help that my best friend is gay and that he introduced me to some of his lesbian friends. About three weeks after my breakup with my current ex, right before my best friend moved out to CA, he hooked me up with some of his lesbian friends because he thought they could cheer me up and bring me out of my depression. So, the two women decided to take me to a lesbian bar. They both know that I am straight but they decided to take me to this bar anyways. I was depressed and had a little too much to drink that night so I was kind of out of my mind. Apparently, one of the women at the bar kinda found me attractive and started talking to me and hitting on me. I was really buzzed and I do remember parts of it, but my best friend's friends came to the rescue and told her I was straight.

 

Gay bars and nightclubs are some of the most interesting places. I have gone to a few with my best friend when he was first trying to understand his sexuality. I am straight but I do find gay people fascinating.

[Dako]

Girl, do I ever understand!

 

I've had lots of those funny moments as a straight guy, especially since I grew up in a gay-friendly neighborhood. It always amused me and never bothered me at all. I had a frisky neighbor who mooched dinners and phonecalls from me for a year. I really liked the guy and we became good friends.

One day he got really physical with me and I just whispered in his ear, "You know, I'm just not that kind of boy.." we spent the evening cracking up.

It's just funny.

[Jinx]

Though you're probably looking for answers I presume from the heterosexual crowd, myself and a gay friend of mine have been in a similar situation which I found to be similar so I'll run it through.

 

I am a cafe regular, here and there a gay male friend of mine also goes with me when he isn't busy rushing around from place to place trying to get everything done. Well, at this cafe there is a straight man who is a regular that I still see and we're acquaintances. Then there is a woman who works there as well which I used to have a crush on, but thankfully it has passed.

 

The bad part was, we were all such a confused lot as it turned out in a gradual sense.

 

I was interested in the woman who worked there, she was one reason I became a regular other than I like the service and menu.

 

Then there is the man who all in all is a nice guy and had I been straight he may of actually had a chance beyond acquaintances. Anyhow, one day he comes up to me, and starts talking, eventually though you come to realize when one is trying to flirt and intentions are beyond a social conversation level just trying to make friends, this was him. This goes on for awhile until my gay male friend comes in with me. I take it he assumed we were a pair, and I'm just assuming by the way he acted it put a damper on his days.

 

Meanwhile, oblivious as I was to all this, the woman who worked there, often came up and talked to me, and my friend. I was interested in her so I thought maybe this reason was she too was interested, and I carried on and tested the waters and so it turns out she was straight, go figure.

 

Well, I take it she had a process of elimination system going that if I'm a lesbian the male friend couldn't be my boyfriend, thus he was free. She still continued talking to me at the cafe, but when we were out in public in an alone setting just two of us, her interest in socializing dwindled, drastically and I just couldn't for the life of me figure out what in the world these mixed signals were. I never even considered early on that she had no clue that my male friend was gay too, suppose I got so used to it just expected it to be common knowledge.

 

As this little crush triangle developed in the end - The man had an interest in me, I had a crush on the woman, who had a crush on my friend. Don't know if my gay friend had any interest in the guy that was hitting on me though, they've talked a few times but thats about the limitation of it.

 

Eventually, the woman found out that both my friend and I are * * * * *. The man, he has settled for being acquaintances and never pushed to the point of my having to tell him like others have.

 

Irked me at first, the way it all played out, now I look at it and find it humorous how we were all interested in one another and just hadn't a clue.

[Dako]

I've been the guy interested in the lesbian who another lesbian thinks is my squeeze so she backs off before I'm made aware of my blunder. It's a weird little dance that seems to happen when different expectations collide. Sometimes it's almost charming.

[Miss M]

Though you're probably looking for answers I presume from the heterosexual crowd, myself and a gay friend of mine have been in a similar situation which I found to be similar so I'll run it through.

Hey Jinx, just wanted to say, no, I wasn't looking for answers from just the heterosexuals. This was genuinely an invitation to everyone.

 

And BTW, your story really cracked me up, LOL. My goodness, that's a funny one. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

For a while I used to be very good friends with a lesbian, and I used to run to her with stories like this to get her take on it. (She taught me so much that I had previously missed.) But we've now parted and gone in different directions. It's funny, but she also contemplated taking me to a gay/lesbian bar. And we discussed in detail how that would be for me, whether I would get hit on a lot if I wasn't paired with anyone, how I would handle that. We finally came up with the idea that it might be easiest if we just pretended to be a couple. But then decided that wouldn't work because the regulars knew she didn't have a gf at the time. She thought it over and expected the lesbians would likely be in hot pursuit of me. And besides she was also on the prowl and couldn't be trusted to stay by my side. So we ended up not going at all.

[BellaDonna]

Anyone else have any similar thoughts to share about friendly/funny/weird encounters when the sexual orientations don't quite match up

 

In the diverse world we live in- it's bound to happen. I think if someone finds you attractive, it's a compliment- whether they are male or female, or whatever their orientation is. I don't ponder it too much because someone's sexual orientiation is not that relevant to me.

 

I am heterosexual, but I personally would not get upset in any way if someone who was a lesbian or bisexual hit on me. It all depends how they go about it. It has happened to me before. I've found it tends to happen most in women's bathrooms....lol... I have found that with women- it does usually begin by complimenting one's outfit, etc.

 

What does bother me is when people (whether male or female- heterosexual- bisexual- homosexual- inter-sexual- whatever the label may be...) are rude, inappropriate, or classless when they hit on someone. To me, the person's sexual orientation isn't what sticks out- it's the level of respect they exhibit towards others....that alone determines if the attraction they have toward me makes me feel uncomfortable/funny or not.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Seko]

Sorry to spoil the mood in here, but I don't think all those encounters were with bi/lesbians. Women naturally do feel a sort of connection to other women, especially if the encounter is in a fabric store or something, and you obviously share a hobby. It's just easier for a women to start up a random conversation with another woman because they feel like the other woman won't automatically take it as "She's trying to hit on me!"

 

I'm sure some of those encounters you were talking about were bi/lesbians, but that doesn't neccesarily mean they were attracted to you. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't imagine walking around all the time thinking that every single time someone talks to me, they think I'm attractive. I guess it would be a confidence booster in a way, but I think it would also get in the way of a lot of potential friendships or nice, if random, conversations.

[Miss M]

BellaDonna, I totally agree... it all has to do with how respectful the person is being, and not the sexual orientation. This woman in the blue dress was obviously smitten, but also very respectful about it.

 

Sorry to spoil the mood in here, but I don't think all those encounters were with bi/lesbians.

No Seko, I didn't intend to say "all" those encounters were with bi/lesbians...of course they weren't. Afterall, there are plenty of straight people out in the world too, no?. I was just saying that it's likely that some of those times must have logically been with non-straights, and it just suddenly dawned on me, and I found it interesting, and funny.

 

And I also wasn't trying to say they were attracted to me... just noting the natural connection that women share whether there is an attraction or not. Women seem prone to an emotional intimacy that I just don't experience with men, and that has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.

[CarnelianButterfly]

My best friend in HS was Bi (I'm straight), we had the best time together. The school was very white bread middle America, so she was harassed for being "weird". When we found each other it was fantastic, we had an art class together and it was "love" at first sight. We were both artists with very different styles, but we did several collabrations together. We were the only students at the school who were allowed to do art projects together. We painted a huge mural and made several sculptures for the school. We'd usually be left alone to our work but sometimes we had to watch the art classes for the teachers. We used to put on a great show of flirting and inuendo that would freak out the little minded kiddies. We were so totally comfortable with each other and our orientations that it was so much fun to pull one over on our idiot classmates.

[Dako]

I guess this thread reminds me of a lot of ambiguities that to me seem pretty normal. I wish more people saw them that way.

 

My "wedding party" was at my friend's gay bar. Ended up chatting in the bathroom because some guys were congratulating me. It dawned on me how threatening this would be for some guys I know.

[smallworld]

Hey Miss M, You always ask the most interesting questions! I've been hit on by women four times, one of which was my best friend in high school. All I can say is that how I felt in each case depended on the person and the circumstances.

 

When my best friend hit on me, it was a bittersweet moment. We were 18 and alone in her room on the floor talking. It was late at night and we were laughing so hard that there were tears in our eyes and our stomaches hurt from the exertion. There came a moment when we both got quiet, her eyes locked with mine, and I felt an unspoken question arise between us. It was a very emotional moment for me because I'd never felt closer to her in my life than in that moment but I knew in my heart that she wanted something from me that I could never give her... She wanted to kiss me and as her eyes gazed into mine a part of me wanted to give in because I loved her that deeply. But I couldn't, because it wasn't me, so I looked away. We never talked about what happened, but during her sophomore year in college she finally came out to me and I "high-fived" her because it seemed appropriate. I was really happy for her and know that someday if she loves someone half as well as she loved me, she'll make some lucky lass very happy.

 

The other time I was hit on by a friend who I knew from the beginning was a lesbian single parent. Because I was madly in love with her 7 year old autistic son, I spent a lot of time with her and my future husband. She knew I was married, but because I was there for them during an extremely difficult legal battle, I can see now how she might have thought there was possibility for something more.

 

When she hit on me it was blatantly obvious, but I didn't want to see it. For months she had been sharing with me stories about women in our small town that had hit on her. All these stories ended with the same conclusion... that she was holding out for someone else and a look of longing shot in my direction. *Cue dimmed lighting, romantic score, and pregnant moments of awkward silence. When dense me didn't pick up on those clues, she resorted to frequently "marketing" her oral skills to me complete with letters of recommendation. (Ok maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's how it felt. Bizarre. Why would I -- her straight friend -- ever need to know who in town thought she was orally gifted?) I played dumb and eventually she got the hint, but it was annoying for me because I felt like I had to walk a delicate balance between being sensitive to her feelings and her voracious need for approval, and my own sense of frustration with someone who repeatedly chose to ignore my "stop signs" and crisscrossed my boundaries. So again, it depends on the woman!

 

The other two times were in university by strangers. Both times caught me by surprise and made me feel much like I do when guys I don't know hit on me and it's solely due to sexual attraction. It was the leering that got to me and I DID feel repulsed.

 

So in short, it all depends on who's doing the flirting, how well they know me, and the class (or lack thereof) with which they approach...

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I agree with you that one of the best things about being a woman is that "sisterly" connection that we can tap into whomever we are and wherever we go. It's too bad that we don't make more use of it in the business world.

[leyton05]

yeah i was hanging out (not in a sleazy way) at montparnasse in Paris a few years back and this peruvian guy took me back to his place (it was winter and like -10 C). He was sure i was bi, really sure. He seemed so sure of it he just about convinced me too. Anyways it all ended with my retaining my bisexual virginity though it took so much persuading on my part i think it would have been easier to have boned him.

good to hear these topics 4achange!!

[KIDD]

I don't know if this fits in with the topic. I am gay & I always get hit on by women. LOL, it's a very nervous feeling & it's frustrating. Knowing that no matter how beautiful or attractive a woman is, I won't be interested lol. I actually lead this woman on at a bookstore once. I was attracted to her but not in the sense that a straight man would. So I was sitting at a table reading & this very attractive lady comes in. She looked like she may have been a little older than me.I was with some friends & they brought it to my attention that the girl was staring back & smiling at me. So I happened to stare back at her, mainly because I was flattered & I found her attractive as well. My friends are up here persuading me to go up & talk to her. I couldn't just say no because they all would have thought I was crazy turning down someone that beautiful. So I went up to her & we started talking. She asked if she could have my phone number & I gave it to her. She never called which I'm glad because I didn't want to lead the girl on in the first place.

 

It's hard turning women down because it makes me feel weird. Man if I was straight, I would have had somebody by now lol!

[Miss M]

Such interesting responses!

 

Smallworld, you must be an especially wonderful friend. My eyes filled with tears reading about your "almost kiss" with your best friend. Yeah, I'm mature and serene and now that I'm older, but I'm not sure I would have handled it so well at such a young age.

 

And Thakid, yes, your story fits too. Being gay and getting that much attention from women must be tough. It also reminds me of those times when I've turned down guys who proposition me. I guess some of them just couldn't imagine a woman saying "no" to them... so they often asked, "what are you, a lesbian?" Now, I have nothing against lesbians, but for years that question always made me want to break their faces with my fist. But now I'm calmer, and can understand that they were just especially stupid, and clueless.

[smallworld]

Hi Miss M, Thanks for your kind words. I'm touched that you were moved by my story. It really was a heartwrenching moment and truthfully for several years I felt guilty about not being able to reciprocate her feelings. She later served as Maid of Honor at my wedding. Now that I think about it, she's even more amazing than I thought.

 

Thanks for saying I must be a wonderful friend. I'd like to be yours! Can I get on the waiting list?

[Miss M]

Thanks for saying I must be a wonderful friend. I'd like to be yours! Can I get on the waiting list?

Waiting list??? Oh my, you'd probably be surprised at how short the "list" is right now. Honey, there'd be no waiting at the moment for good friends.

 

Over time (and without realizing it) I had gradually acquired a not-so-nice groups of friends. So recently I took an inventory and made a drastic move... fired most of them... and now trying to figure out how to start all over again. It's tough... and scarey. But so far, I'm noticing that a few of the ones ones I like on this board are on the west coast.