Hopeful

[Mr. Roboto]

She smiles and her head quickly turns

The cold furnace, once called my heart, ignites in a slow burn

 

But her eyes remain locked on mine

And the ropes around my soul begin to unwind

 

Around her, I once had so much to tell

She repaired my walls of hope that had long ago fell

 

Everyday I planned to say what, inside my mind, had begun

But I soon came to fear that her heart, by another, had already been won

 

Time races, and the words to express myself, I hurry to find

Meanwhile, here comes a better man than I, fast approaching from behind

 

There was something at the back of those joyful eyes – a pain left unspoken

Irony that she made me whole while her own heart remained broken

 

Could anyone else see this suffering by which she was bothered?

Was it the lost love of the man whom she'd called father?

 

What she must realize is what I've always known

In spite of her feelings, she has never been alone

[Mr. Roboto]

I can't do this anymore, live a lie, ignore the pain

A transparent wall between us, my arms bound by steel chain

 

My suffering, my doubt, I think you know and do not care

No help, nor hindrance, you joyfully watch me squirm in despair

 

By willful feigning of injury, hunger, and lack of air

With my sympathy, what an easy target I am to snare

 

Mistakes I've made before, am making, and will make again

Shame on me, a stupid fool, a mouse among men

 

They laugh together, eating my last loaf of bread

I sit alone, in my empty stomach, I feel a large block of lead

 

She moves closer, don't wonder why, or what's the motive

Interest, pity, or just to check – if I have anymore left to give

 

My last dime spent, game over, always a victim of rebuff

What a surprise, coincidentally, she's also had enough

 

Now I have nothing – money, hope, and love all gone

Just one chip to bet, I go all in and pray for dawn

 

But what's the point of trying when they're all the same?

If you need an excuse, there's always me to blame

[blueangel]

WOW. The flow of that is amazing. You really made that work- bringing out the human-ness of all there you were trying to say. Dont give up on anything when you have such talent here.

 

The best way to get over someone

Is to find yourself

If that's about you

You've found your poetry and you DO have your words. Some arent ready for deep emotions because it makes them have to face or be reminded about things inside them they dont truly want to think about... or at least haven't for a long time. You've experienced love- how it can redeem us. Now you can love even better someone else. Someone more you. Someone who will ALWAYS listen.

[Mr. Roboto]

Silent Resolution

 

The worst pain ever felt comes not from a bleeding wound or physical injury at all

It comes from within, from an enemy that cannot be fought

It comes from the energy that powers life and it has a call

An emotion that can not be defined, nor predicted or bought

 

A force, the force, it conquers all, but cannot be conquered

We are born with it and some say it never dies

It appears without warning and gives our spirit the flight of a bird

It can be not forcibly created or destroyed and it never lies

 

The mentioned pain does not always feel like pain

When it moves one way its negative sides are found

A person can glow with it but no one will notice the gain

It is invisible at close range although we see it all around

 

When it hits you, it appears not as strong at first

It's laughed off as nothing and given little priority

It opens the heart to all and shows them the you that isn't rehearsed

Those affected appear to be fools and slide out of their place in the majority

 

The heart of a child is never lost with time

It stays and waits for the moment it will once again be needed

It listens closely for a sound that goes from a beating to a chime

No matter your concentration, it can't be tricked or cheated

 

Meanwhile, a battle rages within the emotion's user

It is waged between the heart and the mind

There is no truce, a winner is never declared, nor a loser

Forgetting is a temporary solution and it just goes on quieter from behind

 

The pain has been inside of me for a while now

And sometimes I forget, sometimes I can suppress it

Then it calls or I see it out of the corner of my eye and then I ask "How?"

How can the place that was my own, that was where I lived alone, in the dark be lit?

 

Sometimes I get close to saying how I feel

I make it a goal and I plan to say the truth that day

Then I think of rejection and the internal wound that can never heal

I think about her a lot but I never had the strength to reveal it, why exactly I can't say

 

Find the person you care about and tell this one

Don't let love become pain and don't let your happiness be the cost

Fear can be overpowered if you only open your heart and mind to the sun

But whatever happens don't let your feelings be lost

[Mr. Roboto]

I am 22 and I have spent my whole life alone. I spent high school and all the years before being hated, and four years in college alone hoping I could avoide the pain for the first time. My dream was always to meet a girl that I could trust and, rather than her tell me how sorry she felt for what I've been through, she would say how much she respected me for living through it. I knew it would take someone who had been through their own hardships to understand that surviving such things is a strength, and one should not focus on the weakness that seems inherent in being victimized. I had foolishly believed that Melissa, a girl I met when I got to law school, was that person and I put myself out on the line one more time. Now, she can't even look me in the eye, and I feel utterly ashamed of myself whenever she's in my presense because she wrote me off like I wasn't even human. We spent all day, everyday with each other for months. I was always there for her, I always put her needs and concerns above my own, and I would have done anything to make her happy. In the end, after I told her how I felt and who I was, she didn't believe that I was worth a five minute conversation. Overnight, she pretended I didn't exist. Everyday I feel like a little of me is dying because there is nothing I can say or do to restore the 24/7 hope, selflessness, and happiness that she inspired in me - at least anytime soon. I must have written her dozens of pages, recognizing the fact that she didn't want to be around me anymore, but hoping that she could at least tell me where I went wrong so that I would not have to endure this again. I had believed that if I was honest - that I could have no regrets. I was wrong. She soon found another guy who so easily stepped in as my replacement, doing with her all the things that she once only wanted to do with me - it was so easy for her to just move a few rows back in one class, take a few steps to the left in another, and never knock on my door ever again. People keep commenting how drowsy I look in class because my head is down - looking at my keyboard. Unfortunately, I am wide awake. I leave as soon as the break starts between classes and arrive late back so that I don't have to see her walk past me like I don't exist. I am in so much physical and mental pain everyday - I don't want to live like this. It hurts so much, and this isn't the first time that this has happened. I don't want to go through it again. I can't focus on my work with the pain. Everyone around me seems so happy. I have nothing and I'm so alone. My friends are sympathetic but they don't understand how horrible I feel inside everyday. I wish that I had the courage to kill myself - its like living with a knife in your chest all day. I just want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be like everyone else. Everything that comes so easily to them is impossible for me.

[ShySoul]

Mr. Roboto,

 

I am blown away right now. First, those poems were incredible. You are talented, painted the picture and poured your heart into it so the emotions leap out at the reader. By all means, don't stop writing. A talent like yours should be shared with the world, or at least allowed to continue, even if just for your own mental and emotional well being.

 

I can also relate to your story. I recently turned 23 and have longed for real love my whole life. I've only wanted two thing in my life, to help others and to be with someone that truly loves and understands me. Yet, that never happened. The past year I thought I had found someone, but my faith in her was misplaced. I poured out my heart and soul, pledging myself to her. But she wasn't ready to return it and ended up hurting me severely. I was left wrecked and destroyed, not wanting to live. So I know it feels like you might as well give up and there is no hope. I won't try to give you a pep talk and tell you to get over her or move on and find someone else. You need to go through your feelings, as long as it takes. Try to stay positive and do things you enjoy to put you in a better mood. But if you feel down at times, don't be angry with yourself. It's ok. And in time, you will heal. There will be someone who gives you what you have been longing for. There will be someone who truly loves, respects, and gets you. I think I found that person, and it took me being at my lowest point to see that. I hope you can find someone as well.

 

Hang in there. And don't hesitate to write me if you want to talk.

[blueangel]

I've come to find that I'm scared of love, of that utter vulnerability. I've fallen in love once and it consumed me. Dont laugh!- but he was 17 and I was 13. I look older for my age so it didn't matter as much then. I was pretty mature and he was...immature. Well, all I wanted to do was be with him. I'm pretty independent myself when I have to be - all self loving... but when I'm with someone, I am SO committed.

 

I ended up getting distracted from everything going for me in life, started disobeying my parents, making wrong choices... at the same time that I was discovering myself, i was losing myself. I'm a very romantic person and so he was like my top priority with every project. I was doing and doing for him... I'm just that type of person.

 

Yet the whole time, I wasn't getting that much in return. When we broke up, I thought back to every single moment I had with him... and all I saw was me shining. He just wasn't like me enough. Nothing like me... actually. I gave myself completely- didnt ever hold back and he just took it all in without a word of expression of love of gratitude of anything. Maybe he was scared but it hurt. You know that song... umm..."Where is your heart?" By Kelly Clarkson. Well, that was my situation because I am the type of person who is always smiling and trying to keep a person feeling like I'm interested in them... never bored. He was the type of person who got so used to me doing that... he just stopped caring completely. When he was chasing me, he was so romantic. But afterward... everything changed.

 

It makes me scared to give myself like that again. This time, I know I'd still keep my priorities in check. I wouldnt lose myself... I'd share myself now that I know what it's all about. But I'm so more conscious of the "game" now... how each has to play it smoothe... to not show how they completely feel to keep the other interested until the other has fallen so much that it's safe at last to let them in.

 

At my age- everyone is playing that game. But I just want to be cute and cuddly and affectionate and deep and poetic and caring and every little bit of me. But from I've learned, to be all of you bores others. How can I NOT be scared?

[blueangel]

Okay, I dont 100% believe it has to be like that but it's still been an obstacle!

[ShySoul]

The problem BlueAngel, is that you are so beyond your years that it makes it difficult to find someone who you can relate to and just be yourself around. Everything you write I marvel at how a 15 year old could have such insight. You've already grown beyond the game stage and want something else. But thats rare in someone so young, so the people you meet just aren't right.

 

Your maturity and heart leads to someone who doesn't play games, who just is you and who puts your all into things. But most people aren't like that. They either think games are needed or that they have to do it to protect yourself. So they don't lower their walls down. And while you have learned that a little bit, it still doesn't jive with who you are on the inside. Don't think you want to play the game, but its like you have to. Personally, I've tried to avoid the game. Take things as they come, don't rush too fast, but don't intentionally hold back either. It's not easy and leaves you vulnerable. But to have the love we want, you have to let your guard down and risk it. And if we fall, we'll be alright and will stand up again. Can't keep a good person down. Best of luck Blueangel, you don't have to be afraid of letting your heart out again.

[Mr. Roboto]

I had to go to the emergency room last night. The slightest stresses, particularly seeing her started giving me these intense pains in my stomach for a few hours everyday for the past two months. I ignored it because I thought it was just psychological. The doctor said it is an ulcer. Now it won't turn off. I am in pain all day, psychological and mental, except now, because of the medication they put me on that doesn't work, I can't eat the foods I like, can't look forward to drinking at least once a week to cover up my troubles, and the caffeine diet pills that gave me so much energy are out of the question too (I was down to 225 from 250). So, basically I hurt now worse than I ever have and have no way to relieve it or distract myself. I complained about the pain to everyone around me and they just told me to cheer up. It is killing me and I can't avoid the triggers that make it worse unless I lock myself in my room and not go to class. She lives accross the hall and sits right in front of me. I have a huge paper that I can't write and an exam next week that I can't prepare for because of the pain. Why do I have to be put through this torture? I can't live like this.