Don't start

[Danny H]

Aggh, when you are dumpee you just make mistake after mistake, please anyone just been dumped take heed from a master mistake maker.

 

My wife phoned from Thailand ( I'm watching the kids) I passed the phone straight to the kids, after she insisted on speaking to me ( I thought she'd wouldn't), I listened to what she had to say, nodding etc, then she says " what is up with you " ( what apart from the fact that you have dumped me

and 4 kids for an intenet man you mean-lol) and after she pushed and pushed, I said " Well I'm hurting, I have feelings, you are obviously over us).

 

to which she screamed at me " Don't start" -funny really in the relationship you are always being told to share your feelings.

 

Do your self a favour, after it is over, she don't want to hear your thoughts

 

 

So keep them to yourself- duh

 

I feel like a complete idiot who has been put back 2 months.

 

Summary we were together nearly 18 years, have 4 kids and split over inter man nearly 4 months ago

 

 

 

Best

 

Dan

[Taomagicdragon]

She obviously doesn't want to feel like she has done wrong and wants to believe you and the kids did the wrong. The only way she can do this is biting your head off at every turn. Look after yourself and your kids now, she obviously is not worth it. I wish you all the best!

[keenan]

Uuugh. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.

 

It seems that the dumpers should provide a verbal caveat: "So, what's up with you? But please only tell me the parts that will make me feel less guilty and ashamed, so I don't have to cope with the reality of the he!l I'm putting you through right now. Ok, go ahead."

 

 

[Diggitydave]

you haven't been put back 2 months brother, that was a small comment. don't let all the NC record keeping mumbo jumbo keep you back. I agree NC is very good, but I don't agree with the beating yourself up with a broken glass covered baseball bat if you mess up. You said a few words and duh you're a human with feelings, sooooo what.... big deal my friend. you didn't set anything back, don't fool yourself and beat yourself up now. It's ok.

 

Try to stick with it the best you can, remember you have kids and have to speak once in a while.

[Blue In Texas]

I am really sorry to hear this. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You can't feel badly just b/c your natural response triggered such an inappropriate guilt reaction on her part. You weren't the one to break NC, and it's not like you told her something that she didn't already know.

[Danny H]

thanks chaps, It is so hard not being able to say what you feel to someone who was a part of your life for so long.

 

I guess you know you are over them when you can be friendly and open to anything they say without reacting.

 

we have four kids so we are stuck talking for quite some years, so nc is not possible, But I must try to just be professional, and If I feel bad next time I will just say " I'm tired" why give them the benefit of knowing that after the way they treated you- you still care.

 

it just backfires

 

 

Love

 

Dan

[NJRon]

Next time this happens.. don't say this..

Well I'm hurting, I have feelings, you are obviously over us

Say this...

what apart from the fact that you have dumped me and 4 kids for an internet man you mean

THAT is what you were thinking. Don't pad. Be specific. Let her know *exactly* what is up. How can she say "Don't start with me" over that?

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi Danny H,

 

I'm curious if there was more conversation after the "Don't start..." rage?

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Danny H]

yes, I rung back to say " since when did talking about how you feel constitute starting", to which she replied that she was on holiday and she didn't want heavy conversations, and that when I was in India she left me be etc".

 

 

 

so I backed off as best I could, because by now I felt guilty + wished I had kept feelings away ( again-aggh)

and we made some small talk about where she was travelling to next.

 

She said she'd phone in two days to talk to kids.

 

Dan.

 

While I feel like a total loser victim in all this, I would just like to state for the record here, that while she has been away I have fixed up some scary challenges for myself, stuff I didn't have the guts to do before, I have lined these up to take part in whan she is back.

 

And I'm hoping that these will focus my mind on something other than this relationship mess- ( which to tell you the truth is starting to bore even me-lol)

[Frangipani]

Gee Dan. That's just crappy. Next time she asks you 'what's up' just remind her that asking that question means you are allowed to answer it honestly!! Or tell her you don't know why she is even bothering to ask how you are. best of all - don't talk to her at all.

 

I was on the * * * *-end of something similar, where he said; "Making me feel bad about her (the new woman) won't make me feel very good about you" which translated means "Yes i have done wrong and I don't want to have to feel any guilt for what i have done. If you make me feel this way, I'm not going to talk to you anymore."

 

Chin up Dan. You have friends here and good things coming your way.

[Danny H]

Frang, I guess you are right, next she asks " What's up with you" I'll reply

 

"You really don't want to know"

 

Hopefully in the future I'll be over her and there will be no problem talking to her about the kids without feelings

 

Dan

[crossflow]

Dan, don't let this get to you, you are doing so well and I admire your strength.

 

My best advice is just don't even go there (get into a conversation with her over the relationship) it's over and you don't need to revisit it with her and then end up feeling down about it.

 

I had a similar thing last night with me ex who came around to see the kids and then stop for like 2 hours to talk to me over coffee (I have custody of my two kids)

 

Soon as she started on about the relationship I just let her have her say and when she finished she said , so what do you think.

 

I just said, oh dunno I don't think about the relationship anymore, so much was wrong with that I'd rather just focus on the future than keep going back there and then just said lets talk about something else.

 

Course I think about it but damned if I wan't to start getting into it with her, inevitably ended up with so much negative energy when the topic came up that I decided not to bother putting myself through it anymore.

[crossflow]

Frang, I guess you are right, next she asks " What's up with you" I'll reply

 

"You really don't want to know"

 

 

 

Dan

 

Dan, that leaves it open that the issue relates in some way to her.

 

Better off just saying your tired because you had a hectic day.

 

Nothing upsets the ex more than them realising you are actually getting on with your life.

 

Mine phoned me the other day and I was pretty flat at the time, she said are you ok I'm really worried about you.

 

I said, hell no I'm fine just a bit knackered, spent the morning out on a yacht with some friends fishing because I had a day off work, went for a walk along the beach afterwards and then just finished karate class before I had to pick the kids up, just one of those busy days.

 

She was like oh, I thought you were upset and then there was a pause and she's like oh well I'll leave you alone then if your tired, nice to hear your getting on with your life.

 

Was she * * * *, she was really not happy at all.

[Frangipani]

Ahem...as I ALSO said...

 

best of all - don't talk to her at all.

[foriamrin]

ouch

seems to me like ex's will do anything to make it seem like their lives are 50000000 x better without you in them, and that their new guy is more rugged, has bigger muscles, blah blah blah. that really sucks, i dont know what else to say.