Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Everybody can now throw their collective hand up in the air. I am an idiot who will never learn from her mistakes. This last Sunday, my ex bf took me out to lunch and bowling....he then went ot his parents for dinner then came over to my house from 1130pm till about 330am. I asked him if he wanted to stay but he said he wanted his own bed. . Yesterday I sent him this email - I will start off by saying that I hope you have a great trip to Maine this weekend. As you know, I love you more than life itself and have tried to show that to you in many ways. I do want to be your friend, but find that it is not possible at this time. We cannot spend any amount of time together without ending up in bed. Sleeping with you is not going to help me move on. I have spent the past 2 months grieving our relationship and have healed myself from within. I think some part of me wanted you yesterday to stand up and fight for me, tell me that you did not want me to go dating, I guess show me a sign that you wanted me to stay with you. If I thought for one minute that we had a chance or that you were willing to work with me on our relationship, I would take Greg being mad at me and stand by your side. I am not upset about sleeping with you last night, I will admit that I was disappointed that you did not spend the night. I am about to leave to go get the money and sign up tomorrow, so I am sure by the time you get back, my life will have changed. One day when enough time has passed or if we are at different places in our lives, we can be friends. It will always be hard seeing you around town, so some days I might wave and some days I might not, don't take it personally. I will try not to let anyone know who I am dating, so it doesn't get back and upset you. I'm deeply sorry that we couldn't work anything out and wish you the best in everything you do. I wil always love you and what we had together (yes, the good and the bad). Nathalie ps. I did enjoy my day with you yesterday, thank you for taking me out to lunch and bowling. Today I received this email from him - I feel the same in almost everything you said. We are in a catch 22, because I want you to be happy (you deserve it), but I also don't want to see it up close. I'm sure you feel the same way. I would not tell you to not do dating if it is truly something that you feel is going to make you happy. If you are able to find happiness, then the ends justify the means. Don't settle for just money and looks though. You dated me, so I know that there is more to it than just money and looks. It is unfortunate that we have as many feelings for each other as we do, but have just never been on the same page. I agree that it would be nice to one day have you as a friend, but unfortunately as you stated, right now would be pretty difficult for the both of us. It makes it HARDER when you wear tight jeans and go bowling with me!!!! Just kidding. I have no spite towards you and would never try to do anything to cause you pain. I appreciate that you said you would do the same. Good luck with your real estate career. I know that you will be very succussful at it. You'll probably end up being better at it than Diana!! You found a job that too much talking isn't that bad!! Best of luck with everything, I know I shouldn't have hung out with him on Sunday, but I honestly thought we could be friends. We didn't fight, but the chemistry is still there. I don't expect any response, I just needed to see it in print that I am a disappointment. This was the first guy that I gave my heart, body and soul to and I believe maybe that is why it is so hard to let go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Nathalie, don't feel bad. I broke NC too this week after all my preaching and crap, i called my ex, again, wanted closure, again, cried again. Feel like crap now again. I'm right there with ya. You aren't the stupidest girl alive, you were in love, you're gonna do silly things. You don't think with your brain now, your heart talks for you and your heart can get you into trouble right now. All that from your relationship is stored in your heart, and it's not going to go away overnight. You have to realize this. I know you're obviously beating yourself over the head with a metal baseball bat right now but don't. This is how the end of relationships go. Do you think there are people out there who when they break up go "ok well this is it, thanks for the ride, goodbye" NO!!!! and if they say they do, they're lying. I'm not trying to encourage you to go ahead and do things that will set you up for hurt. I'm tryin to tell you to not beat yourself up now. Yes, we should all follow our hearts, but remember, our hearts are filled with love for the other person and our hearts tell us to go to them, seek shelter, seek love. This is why God also gave us the ability to resist what our body desires, because sometimes what our body or flesh, however you want to call it, will get us in trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keenan Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Nathalie, you are never stupid, and you're not a disappointment. I've watched you here for a long time and have always admired your strength, courage, insights, and self-awareness. You have a tremendous amount of love for this man, and it's completely understandable that your resolve would soften when you're around him. I'm sorry; I know (from experience) how painful this is. Don't feel weak, and don't feel stupid. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and be glad that you could end this round on a friendly (smile) note. It's been uglier between you guys in the past; this is actually not a terrible way to say goodbye. Hugs to you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Diggity Thank you for being so understanding. I had been good with NC (only 10 days), but the minute we are around each other, all the old feelings come back. We both know that we are not good for each other, but it still hurts knowing I am so weak when it comes to him. It would be easier if we hated each other. Again thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Nathalie, you are never stupid, and you're not a disappointment. I've watched you here for a long time and have always admired your strength, courage, insights, and self-awareness. You have a tremendous amount of love for this man, and it's completely understandable that your resolve would soften when you're around him. I'm sorry; I know (from experience) how painful this is. Don't feel weak, and don't feel stupid. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and be glad that you could end this round on a friendly (smile) note. It's been uglier between you guys in the past; this is actually not a terrible way to say goodbye. Hugs to you! Keenan, As I read your msg, I am crying. Thank you I have spent the last 2 days feeling like crap, but seeing that you don't think I am a total weakling, I feel better. You are right, it's not a terrible way to say bye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 well, not in the long run. hate breeds nothing but hate. I know what you're saying though. Just remember WHY you are having a no contact thing right now. in the immediate scope of things, it's simply to come face to face with the pain and deal with it, after that, it's to work on self improvement, move on, and pick up your life again, after that it's up to fate. There is no set limit but i do agree with setting goals. I have a March 28 goal right now. not saying i'm gonna pick up the phone that day, but i'll be that much farther ahead and by that day i probably won't even realize that I made that goal because i'll be that much over it. I HOPE SO MUCH that you get through/over this. Sometimes when I log on it's like, "wow theres someone else out there who wants to puke too?" lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I HOPE SO MUCH that you get through/over this. Sometimes when I log on it's like, "wow theres someone else out there who wants to puke too?" lol Really, because when I log on, I think who am I worse than today....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Well, you got closure and now you can really start the healing process, right? There's nowhere to go now but up... I agree, the first is definitely the hardest, but I can guarantee you almost absolutely that when the dust settles with this situation, you will find a better relationship with a man who will appreciate and share your good heart and ability to love the way you do...plus this experience will help that relationship be better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Well, you got closure and now you can really start the healing process, right? There's nowhere to go now but up... I agree, the first is definitely the hardest, but I can guarantee you almost absolutely that when the dust settles with this situation, you will find a better relationship with a man who will appreciate and share your good heart and ability to love the way you do...plus this experience will help that relationship be better... My first instinct was to go and date up a storm, it makes me feel better saying I will. I know that it's not the right thing to do, but I can't figure out how to get over him. Will I be strong enough to say no to him if he shows up 6 months from now?? I wish I had a crystal ball that could see into the future, then I wouldn't worry so much about the here and now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvagain Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 DiggityDave, Nathalie1970 please. I so badly want to contact my ex but I know if I do I will get hurt again. I'm in tears because I want her back so bad but I can't. I still love her so damn much but she's got someone else and it FREAKEN hurts. Hearing that you guys broke NC makes me want to call her and tell her how much she has hurt me but if I do I will come through as beign a weak, pathetic person. I so badly want her to know how much she hurt me but my pride tells me not to. I WANT HER TO FEEL THE SAME PAIN AND SUFFERING I FEEL. I WANT HER TO HAVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND LIFELESS DAYS. GOD, I WANT HER TO HEAR HER HEART BREAK JUST AS I HEARD MINE. I WANT HER TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO PULL A KNIFE FROM YOUR BACK. TO KNOW THE FEELING OF BEING CHEATED OUT OF LOVE. Please stay strong guys because I gain my strength from you. I still love her so damn much! She is my first true love. PLEASE resist the temptation. I haven't heard her voice in almost 2.5 months and I miss it. You are not stupid Nathalie1970. I've realized that I'm trying so hard to forget my ex but after months of trying I can't. I have come to the conclusion that I'm doing the impossible and that is that I'm trying to erase true love from my heart. I can't keep myself together right now. I'm breaking down just writing this. bye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 My first instinct was to go and date up a storm, it makes me feel better saying I will. I know that it's not the right thing to do, but I can't figure out how to get over him. Will I be strong enough to say no to him if he shows up 6 months from now?? I wish I had a crystal ball that could see into the future, then I wouldn't worry so much about the here and now..... Well, I'd say instead of finding new people to hang out with, you should consider strengthening your current friendships...and who knows...when you're out-and-about, you may meet some cool new guy... But I'd stay away from places your ex goes until you can handle seeing him and not having a total break-down... Also, you really can't speculate about "what if he comes back". You have to move on without even the remote notion of wondering if he'll come back or not...because as far as you're concerned...he won't...and you don't want him to... The beauty of the situation and the power of time is that you will reach a point, probably sooner than you think, where you just plain don't care... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 The beauty of the situation and the power of time is that you will reach a point, probably sooner than you think, where you just plain don't care... I pray that it happens sooner than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Don't break NC i'll type more on this later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Nathalie, I swear that letter, and his response could be a near duplicate of things I wrote and he wrote in my last major break up! I mean almost verbatim...so I empathize very much with that pain and strain. So with that being said, don't be so down on yourself. This does not mean you are back at the beginning, it does not mean you have let anyone - including yourself - down. It just means you are still on that journey of healing and ultimately you WILL heal and things WILL be wonderful, I promise. You are an absolutely beautiful woman - you have a great smile in that picture, you are very articulate, insightful and intelligent from anything I have read, and I can absolutely promise you that there is someone out there whom will absolutely know that and WANT to make you happy and see you happy UP CLOSE! But the first person to do this needs to be you, yourself. You will be okay....and I would bet if you start moving forward and rediscovering yourself and your friendships, in 6 months should he come calling...you will realize how far you have come and that you have no desire to turn back that clock. RayKay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I don't think you're stupid either Nathalie. I do hope you really mean it to start NC with him though. His response to your letter made me a little wary of him. On top it sounded sincere, but reading between the lines it sounded like he didn't think you were going to stop contact. Regardless, you've gotten your closure, now it's time to truly stop seeing him. Hopefull this time he won't scare the rest of the men in town from wanting to see you. Yes, I do remember you telling us about that. If NC becomes to hard, just remember the negative aspects of him. Good luck to you and stick with NC, really this guy isn't worth your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Ray Kay, Thank you for the good thoughts. I think this would all be easier if he didn't feel the same way. It hurts knowing that we both love each other so much but can't be together because of all our problems. I am going to try harder and be stronger this time to follow through with NC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I don't think you're stupid either Nathalie. I do hope you really mean it to start NC with him though. His response to your letter made me a little wary of him. On top it sounded sincere, but reading between the lines it sounded like he didn't think you were going to stop contact. Regardless, you've gotten your closure, now it's time to truly stop seeing him. Hopefull this time he won't scare the rest of the men in town from wanting to see you. Yes, I do remember you telling us about that. If NC becomes to hard, just remember the negative aspects of him. Good luck to you and stick with NC, really this guy isn't worth your time. Trust me when I say, I will do everything in my power not to break it this time. I understand why he would think that I wouldn't stick with NC, I keep telling him that I am going to move on then I don't. Hardest thing right now is that my kids just left for florida with their father and I won't have them to distract me. I am going to miss them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Sorry to hear your kids aren't going to be around. That will make maintaining NC all the must harder. I know you can do it though. I have faith in you. You're a good person, you don't need this aggrivation in your life anymore. He doesn't want you except for the odd "sleep over". Only reason I say that is because he doesn't want to spend the night when he does. Any man who was interested in the slightest would. I know you can do this, you really do deserve so much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Yes, the fact that he didn't sleep over hurt me and it is a red flag. Why did he send such a sincere email?? It's all very confusing..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Yes, the fact that he didn't sleep over hurt me and it is a red flag. Why did he send such a sincere email?? It's all very confusing..... Partly because he meant it and does actually care about you...partly because it makes him seem more like a "good guy" and absolves some of the guilt of his decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I can answer that, but you might not like it. I don't really think his e-mail was too sincere. Sincereness involves being truthful. He said he has no spite towards you and wouldn't do anything to cause you pain. Hasn't he already done this to you already? On several occasions? For example, making every man in town terrified to talk to you.... Real sincere.... The rest of the e-mail, to me, made it sound like he's trying to be a nice guy by doing the right thing and letting you go. The problem I had with all this is that I remember everything you've written about this guy in the past, right down to the harassment he gave you. In my honest opinion, his e-mail sounds to me like he's making a show of letting you go because he believes that you'll come crawling back to him when you feel weak. After all, why not? He's "changed" hasn't he? The problem is that I believe that he'll have his way with you and put you back on the shelf again, just like he's trying to do now. The sad part is that he's using your own feelings for and about him against you. He knows you want him, and at the same time want to get him out of your life. By using that, he knows he can get the fun out of you that a relationship has without having any of the hassle of a real-life relationship. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I've seen this kind of thing happen before with friends of mine in the past. One of those friends let this happen to her for 6 years, ruining several potiental relationships with other guys in the process because all this guy would have to do is show up every couple of months and she'd forget about the new guy in a heartbeat because she'd think that "finally, he's changed and he's come back to me". He'd then do something to hurt her, she'd break it off and the whole cycle would repeat itself all over again. To this date, you still can't convince her that he was using her. It only stopped when he ended up getting married. I'd hate to see that happen to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 My head knows you're right. It's happened before when we were broken up for 5 months. I tried like heck the first 3 months to get back together (yes sleeping with him, looking after him when he was sick..etc) then found out he had been dating other girls the whole time. It got ugly after that, I went out on about 4 dates with this one guy (the same one he is mad about now) but I wasn't interested in the new guy. The ex bf showed up at my house (2am)and was upset because I had gone out with my girlfriends and said yes to another guy to go out the following weekend. (I really do live in a small town....yuk) Well it ended up with us getting back together that night and he had me call both guys the next day and tell them that I was back with him. Then the next day (after I made the calls) he tells me he wants to take it slow. It was awful and as I read your post I see that it looks like it's all happening again. He wants me but he doesn't want me and he doesn't want me to be with anyone else.](*,) My heart has to start listening to my head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I know, easier said than done. Just try to remember that you're getting stuck in a pattern now. I'm willing to bet the next time you find someone else or get asked out again, he'll show up at your door. After all, he'll be in danger of losing his playtoy. Sorry to say it like that, but that's the way I think he sees you. To him, you're just a toy to be played with when he's bored. I'm sure there are tons of men who would give their right arm to be with a woman who is as dedicated as you are to the one you love. This guy knows that, but instead of treasuring and respecting that, he's using it against you for Booty Calls. You deserve so much more better than that. Focus on the fact that he's USING you and will continue to USE you if you let him. Only you can stop the pattern because it's obvious that he doesn't care enough about you to let you heal and find someone else. That should help I hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathalie1970 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Yes it does. I drove to work and guess who was doing a detail right outside my office?? The ex bf and he waved. I gave a half a**ed wave back and parked. I came inside and felt sad for the first half hour, but now he is gone and I feel better. He leaves for Maine tomorrow for 4 days. I should be safe from seeing him accidentally around town. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I agree with what they were sayin about the pattern. Sometimes these patterns and habits can be just as hard to break as the relationship itself. If i was you I would break the cycle, because it can become vicious. When one of you doesn't meet the need that is developed in the pattern, it can get ugly. I hope for the best for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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