i regret my life and im not even 20

[sugarandspice]

hey peeps cant sleep as per usual feeling a little blank.

been feeling in a bit of a twize today. i feel so pathetic. i have no idea what to do with my life. I know and am worried abut money situtations, that i need to suport myself.

 

ever since i was younger it was this exam, then the next at school, then a piano exam, then a violin exam etc etc all i ever did was try get the best exam results i could, i guess its like that for most people. But the most pleasure i got out of getting good grades was telling my mum...if i got a good grade in whatever( which i always did!) i would think to myself i cant wait to get home and tell my mum this....

 

somewhere along the line things started going wrong. Ever since my dads left ive felt insecure. like i have to try and make the best of things and have to do well to look after myself in the future. Also working hard was a way out. i was bullied at school and it was hard at home and working hard took my mind of things. I was a complete perfectionist. i got fab GCSE results. after Gcse i started dieting and at a level couldnt concontrate and my gardes sliped down, then bulimia kicked in and i didnt care....my grades at the end were pants. my mum was so disappointed. and i have never got over it.

 

i didnt know what to do at uni, i thought about speech therapy, then psychology and went for psychology. Then went to uni where i got the place. I didnt even think i would get a place anywhere to be honest with the grades i got. but i didnt know if i wanted to do psychology or not and i just went along with it as a degree to do. but ever since i applied i thought i would fail or give it up. I thought i wouldnt be able to do it due to my bulimia and depression and what happened at a-level.

 

i gave it up. i never really even started it. i was too scared of failing and didnt get how to study again i just had no clue and in the end was too down to get up for lectures. I hated the girls on my floor they were so cold i duno if i was put with others if id still be there now i duno, but i gave it up, but i had as you know the best social life ever!which i miss sooooo much. and i wasnt such a huge fatso blob at uni either.

so now im back home, ive visited a few times to stay with B ( who ive written about before) who im all confused about as i know he didnt treat me right, but i do like him. #nervous# then i got flu and came home, got so down and am just recovering and here i am now. doing absolute nothing. i keep on tellling myself everyday to get sorted out but it never happens. I hate my figure, i need to loose weight, i need a boob job, i need to get a job, i need to find a course to do.

 

but im scared, im scared if i had a boob job that would go wrong and be my life over with. im scared of getting a job as last time i didnt get on v.well my bulimia was really bad and the managers couldnt see what i was goin through and i got told off and given warnings when i was depressed. But i need the money...i have to pay my mum some to stay at home...and i binge like crazy...so need to give her the money for that too.

i duno what the heck to do with myself. I want to go to uni again...but i duno wot course, I have thought about acting, beauty, hair dressing, creative writing, art, fashion,counceling,speech therapy.

 

at a level i did maths, physics, biology. i did subjects i thought i had to do. It was competative. I was even doing chemistry aswell at one point!i didnt think that i would burn myself out i just wanted to do as best i could, get on a good course and make my family proud ( my big bro before me got 3 As and was the talk of our sixth form! that is sooo much to live up to. Now he's even having work published!)i started off well but couldnt cope with the work load...worried too much...and then bulimia started...and that was that i went spiraling downhill into depression and have been there ever since.

 

I now hate studying, hate exmas, hate the pressure, so i gave up at uni.

i regret my life and im not even 20.i feel like its already over, as though ive messed up too much. I took the wrong a-levels, i should have taken what i enjoyed, not what i thought i should do...i didnt know that then....

i struggled through that...looked at unis...which drove me insane i couldnt even be bothered to look around them, usually feeling miserable and weak and cold. i just couldnt be bothered. then i had a year out, then went to uni for a term...and now here i am doing nothing.

 

i just wish id spent my life doing the subjects i enjoyed and exploring my talents. now i feel like i need to get a stupid job again just to live..and if i look for a course and apply i'll be older when i start uni again which i will feel pathetic about.

 

my younger bro is going to uni soon, i feel so stupid, hes doing something with his life, and my older bro is doing so well too...all i think of myself is all i can do well is not a lot!!!!i couldnt even do waitressing because of my ed and depression! #nervous# so sorry to ramble i just feel so disappointed with my life and myself and how things have turned out.

[sugarandspice]

sorry im posting again..... i cant get out how i feel its sooo frustrating!!! i guess so far in life, going through school etc ive just trugged along...gone along with the flow...got through it working as hard as i could.. to try to get to the best possible place i could! ie get a decent job earn a decent amount of money..so i trugged along and went along with things....but what do i do now after ive been through that. I did compeltelty the wrong alevels that i now know. And i chose the wrong degree. That i have now realised!! i wish i could go back....and learn to enjoy those years of growing up i missed out on and have just done what i wanted to do.

[Alabama]

You're still pretty young, and I undestand it can be a struggle to get your life into shape and to get keep studying. I feel like that sometimes. But I realize that in life I will be struggling to survive later on, and if I really work hard now, I have a better chance later in life. Think about what you're good at and go from there. Pick a good university and choose that. If possilbe, I know your depressed, but try to think positive. Your life is not over. It's just beginning. I suggest maybe going to a community college, since it's cheaper and you can just take general course requirements, so you have more time to think about what you want to do with your life. Get a simple part time job if possible, so you can have money as you think to pay for College. Good luck.

[sugarandspice]

beach dude thanks for your relpy. i keep meaning to look at courses and choose something i wana do and just go for it. I have depression though right now which seems never ending....just getting up and washing my hair is difficult!! i know it sounds pathetic but most days i just want to get over with and go back to bed again! i posted today on a message board to someone who felt like me about bulimia who was doing alevels i told them to enjoy their life aswell as work and that things were only just beginning for them...i kinda relised that i need to tell myself the same thing..

 

alabama thanks too,i have to tell myself its the beginning...but i cant get out of feeling down all the time and thinking ive messed up. ](*,) a part time job i know is the way forward for now! i had 2 jobs last year tho and couldnt survive them. i guess im just stuck in a rut right now!

[darkblue]

S&S,

Prioritise, and get things done.

 

What is the most important thing to you?

Job or uni?

Do you really want to go to university, or is that what you think you should do?

 

It's time to change, so work up the motivation - because you're going to need it.

 

I strongly recommend some sort of therapy or counselling for your eating disorder.

You are very intelligent - you have proved that.

I could bet good money that you are not the size you think you are.

 

Once you are happy with yourself, things around you will seem significantly better.

So aim for that, and achieve it. You can.

 

If you ever need to talk, I would be only too happy.