The Not Needing to Know

[Diggitydave]

So i talked about how i've adopted a Do not need or want to know thing. But do i? Should i continue a search for answers? or should i just move on not look back and not worry. Should I seek and if the answers are painful, deal with them now, or risk finding them out later and having them hurt then? I am confused.

[deejay74]

So i talked about how i've adopted a Do not need or want to know thing. But do i? Should i continue a search for answers? or should i just move on not look back and not worry. Should I seek and if the answers are painful, deal with them now, or risk finding them out later and having them hurt then? I am confused.

 

i guess you need to ask yourself how you would feel if you got the information you're seeking. would you feel better? worse? if it's worse, then stick with the "do not need to know" policy.

 

i know you're curiosity is probably getting the best of you. it has for me. if you've been following my posts, i've always suspected my ex left me for someone who i thought she was cheating on me with, or at least i thought she started to develop feelings for this guy. anyway, i never had any proof that there was anything between them, all i saw was him at an art gallery show which my ex invited me to - she was there too obviously. i guess what i am trying to say is, although i have my suspicions i cannot prove anything. i am pretty sure she's with someone in some way, and even though i am convinced she is, if i actually saw her with that guy (or anyone), i think i would still be crushed and angered at the same time.

 

i realize you may not be searching for answers if you're ex is with someone or not, but the answers you are searching for may hurt just as much.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi Diggitydave,

 

I say hold off as long as you can. Don't search or want to know anything. It is normal to be curious but fight it with everything you have.

 

Soon any answers to questions you may have won't bother you a bit. They can't hurt you when you are finally over it. The answers will probably make you glad you are out.

 

Hang in there

bcuzitwasfun

[Hunny1607307342]

Thats how I feel. Thats why I want to know everything because I don't want to keep finding out slowly and gradually and all these new things over time. Like yesterday I overheard people saying that my ex is going out with this girl whos "gone out with like 50 people...yeah is she billy's ex or HIS ex??...and he's going out with her.." It was so horrible overhearing that conversatttttiion!!!!! NO MENTION OF ME. Anyway.... I don't know what you should do. lol. Just do what feels right. I wanted to ask my ex about Valentines Day and was planning to, but then in the conversation it just didn't feel right and pretended I didn't want to know, but he told me anyway. I think if fate wants you to find out you'll find out stuff in whichever your meant to.

[Diggitydave]

The flat out truth, i actually fear my ex now because she has so much power over me (not really but in emotion). If she was to tell me that she wanted to get back together i'd be like........ok......but if she were to tell me something that would hurt, i'd be crushed. So i feel more or less afraid, and also afraid if I contact and lets say nothing has changed either way, i'd feel like i'd have to start getting over her all over again.

[majord23]

The flat out truth, i actually fear my ex now because she has so much power over me (not really but in emotion). If she was to tell me that she wanted to get back together i'd be like........ok......but if she were to tell me something that would hurt, i'd be crushed. So i feel more or less afraid, and also afraid if I contact and lets say nothing has changed either way, i'd feel like i'd have to start getting over her all over again.

 

Believe it or not Dave, fear is not only a natural emotion to feel in your situation but also a healthy one.

Fear is a feeling that protects us from something we perceive as dangerous. Whether it is physical danger, or in this case emotional danger...it's purpose is the same - to protect us.

 

Don't contact your ex, and don't seek answers. I have found out things about previous exes that would have been incredibly painful at the time (infidelity), but by the time I *did* hear about it, I was beyond caring.

 

Let yourself get to that stage before you open yourself up to seek the truth...by that stage you may not even care to know the truth anyway.

[Hunny1607307342]

Yep. Everytime I see my ex at college I feel like I have to get over him all over again. Everytime I say "see you later" after a conversation. It's just this huge anti-climax and flood of emotion which follows as a result. So dont call her or anything until your over her. If SHE is not calling you, why should you call her? Let it be and take each day is it comes.

 

What you said about her having power over you I can totally relate to this x 10, because my ex, the other day in one of the classrooms came and sat next to me, and said to me "you I probably wonder why I flirt with you since I told you I dont see you in that way". It was a really WEIRD and akward comment for him to just say...lol...but i didnt know what to say afterwards and felt extremely powerless at that time!! If thats not bad enough; in the same conversation he says "I always get what I want"...with this cunning grin. I couldn't say anything... but I just wanted to slap him. There's no straight forward solution, other than just don't show it at all. Don't worry, because your doing NC, and this will make you seem less powerless, because your not contacting her, you "don't care" in theory because of that. I find it helps take off the 'powerless' feeling when I set up a scenario in my head of my ex coming back and saying He's sorry he made a mistake and wants us to be together, and me saying "NO"...and all this other stuff afterwards. Knowing that I would say that to him, makes me feel a lot less powerless on the inside and I just keeping saying to myself "I won't take him back anyway...I'm not his little puppy on a piece of string...I'm better than him..." etc. Just keep saying it yourself. I think you need to convince yourself that you won't accept her offer of getting back to you if she were to ask you. Remind yourself YOU DONT NEED HER. Do not be afraid of anything, remind yourself that emotions are an illusion and something we create within ourselves.

[Diggitydave]

She has contacted me here n there and it A L W A Y S leads to me having an emotional breakdown and wanting her back and alllll this stuff. So when I told her I couldn't do it, i tried to explain it to her and kept feeling the need to explain myself. (this was like a week ago) she said she didn't want to hear it 50000 times, and that it's ok, I have to do what I have to do etc. I don't understand. Am I being selfish by taking the friendship part away right now because i can't be around her because it hurts? Should i just man up to it and do my best and take the pain? Am I running from my fears?

[majord23]

She has contacted me here n there and it A L W A Y S leads to me having an emotional breakdown and wanting her back and alllll this stuff. So when I told her I couldn't do it, i tried to explain it to her and kept feeling the need to explain myself. (this was like a week ago) she said she didn't want to hear it 50000 times, and that it's ok, I have to do what I have to do etc. I don't understand. Am I being selfish by taking the friendship part away right now because i can't be around her because it hurts? Should i just man up to it and do my best and take the pain? Am I running from my fears?

 

Sometimes you HAVE to do things that are best for you without worrying about how it affects others mate. It doesn't make you less of a man, it merely makes you a smarter one.

Being a man means knowing when the pain you are experiencing is not worth the effort and walking away. There is no shame in that.

 

What is the alternative Dave? Stay friends and keep torturing yourself indefinitely?

 

The pain of walking away from friendship at the moment will be intense, but will not last as long as the pain of staying in her life.

 

I have never got an ex back by staying friends with them. And of the exes that I have tried to stay friends with - I am no longer in contact with.

 

Don't delude yourself that the 'friendship' she is seeking is anything more than temporary...either because she will finally let you go, or because you will come to resent her for the trauma it causes you and walk away yourself. May as well do it now.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi all,

 

I have decided in my situation that the power the ex has on me is up to me. We are split and I now have full control. She has none. She has tried, with communication but I refuse to let her know that I am interested in communication.

 

My situation I guess is different, but I don't want another chance. I don't want to go through it again with the same person. Maybe if I'd open up we could make it work forever? I don't know, but I will not take the chance. It hurt too bad this time and I will not take the chance again. It burns..... My loss, her loss, who knows, I don't care.

 

I am taking the space and time from her that she said she needed from me. The space and time she said she wanted from me is mine, not hers. It is my terms, not hers. Sure she has emailed, called etc. but I am taking the time and space for me, not her. She needed space and time to figure out who she loves the most, me or him. Guess what, I am not giving her the time or space, I am taking it to figure out how much better my life is without her in it.

 

Again, I'm not bitter as this post may sound. I have to look out for myself and let it be known that I can do well without her. I don't do anything to hurt or help her. I just have my life in focus and will continue on this path.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun