Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 OK so doing the no contact thing but somewhere I kind of feel a little immature and that i'm running away from the problem? Am i being immature and an escape artist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norlund Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Hey DD if doing the NC thingis immature and running away, then its the bravest run Ive ever participated in. Emotional maturity is the goal, and being able to handle the hurt is the first step along the way. Distance is the only thing that works for me, and hell, sometimes I can go a whole 2 days. We in this hurtful position need to be a support for each other. Its not immature, in fact its the most mature thing I know of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I just got off the phone with my ex. For your sake, save yourself! Stay in NC!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 No, it is very brave. It is commendable to stand up for yourself and your needs. And that is exactly what NC does. Hang in there, you will feel better soon...I promise. ((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Thanks. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I think contact brings up feelings on a daily basis and makes you all weird inside then you have to basically break up over and over again. Thanks David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 DD, Everyone is correct here, it's the best thing which is why it is hard. It's all about you and getting you healed. There is nothing immature about that! You are not pouting and playing a game but you are sending a message. NC is about healing and finding that independence that will make you look forward to each day, not dread it! Hang in there and keep it up! RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I think contact brings up feelings on a daily basis and makes you all weird inside then you have to basically break up over and over again. That's so true. Some forum members have delayed healing by contact. If you get weak, post here and we'll fix you up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 The only reason I really want to talk to her is because i want to ask her if i was good enough, what i did wrong, and why all the negative overshadowed the good. i want to tell her i'm sorry for trying so hard and overdoing everything which iknow I did. ugh i am making myself sick i should just move on but i can't. There is something holding me back, i can't just wake up and have a good day. I want to, really bad. I try tospeak against it, but the feelings just creep up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvagain Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 You are not immature DiggityDave. Stay in NC. I tried talking to my ex about what happened and where things went worng but all I got was an attitude and that wasn't nice. Some of us actually want to work things out and figure out where we went wrong. The other person, I've come to find out, doesn't care because all they want to do is get out of the relationship. They bail out without giving a good reason which leaves some of us with no closure. You are doing the right thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Dave your reasons to talk to her seem unique to your breakup, but they're almost the same as mine. I still have contact, but we both avoid those same points you listed for one reason. They'd erupt into a painful mess. For your own good, don't give in to prolonging the dialogue with her. At this point, blame, discussion and emotions over the past will hurt you more than what you have now. Be good to yourself and deal with just the loss without the agony of an autopsy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keenan Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Some of us actually want to work things out and figure out where we went wrong. The other person, I've come to find out, doesn't care because all they want to do is get out of the relationship. They bail out without giving a good reason which leaves some of us with no closure. Well put, luvagain. The problem with breaking NC (which I do regulary, btw) is that you never get what you hope you'll get from the other person. The content of the converstations change over time, but the outcome is still almost always disappointing: Early on, you'll have all these mini-revelations about what you could have done better in your relationship...and you'll feel the nearly irresistible urge to call your ex and explain that you've seen the light (!) and that if only you can have another try, just to prove that you can handle it better this time by doing x, y, and z...then it will work out. But as luvagain says, the other person just doesn't care anymore. It's too late. They aren't in the relationship anymore, and haven't been for a long time. (This idea that the other person really 'checked out' of the relationship long ago helps me make sense of the seeming 180 degree turn in feelings that happens overnight--it's really a slow process that is invisible to us.) Then later, you'll break NC to try to establish a good solid friendship--both for your own peace of mind so that you can feel *some* degree of continutity and normalcy in your life...and so you can (secretly, admit it) keep the line of communication open *just in case* the other person has a change of heart. The problem here is that even if you're able to stay friends, the other person always feels a little guilty and weird about the way your relationship dissolved, so they can't be totally themselves with you anymore. You have the person's outward shell in your life (looks the same, walks the same, talks the same) but not really the good friend you remembered from before. So every time you talk, you walk away feeling unsatisfied even with the friendship part of it. It's like eating cheap fake chocolate when you're used to the 70% cocoa good stuff. You want more and more to get the goodness and satisfaction that you're craving, but no matter how much you eat you'll never get it. You'll just get sick. I hope that all made sense and that it's relevant. I have a bad headcold and am full of meds. I think I just had my daily rant, though. Thanks all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coollady1957 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I agree with the NC. I am the one that did the dumping, due to his cheating. It did hurt, but I was determined that once it was done, there was no going back. I cared about him and wished that he had been a good man in the long run. I made it very clear to him not to contact me whatsoever for any reason, and made it clear to him that he would never hear from me again. ITs the best thing I ever did on the NC. IT allowed me much faster healing in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 I am actually mad at my ex for calling me emotionally immature. I cried and begged and pleaded and had all these emotional breakouts and she was like, i acted this way when i was like 19. you obviously haven't been through anything. ugh that thought makes me sick. Now even though i just posted about how we're doin this for us I almost want to go back and show her that i can be emotionally mature. ugh. ugh ugh ugh. I am emotional yes, i didn't want to lose her, so i got a little over emotional. I know i should've been more calm about it, but she was important to me. i mean are there any mid 20's people that have had blowouts before? i mean it wasn't a blowout but i did cry a lot and freak out. totally not in context of this post but i just thought about it and had to get it out. no im not gonna break NC lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 NC is the only surefire way to show YOURSELF (who cares about her) that you are emotionally mature. In the end, what ultimately matters is how you view yourself, everything else will fall into place. Hang in there dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 I think that is key, learning to not care what they think. I think once you know who you are in yourself and build yourself up to a good point. You will be able to move on. This is the toughest part for me, i put so much weight into what she is saying, but i know in theory, who cares. i backtrack into approval mode. then i go, who cares, then i go back. ughhhh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Yeah, and when you showered her with love, did she gripe about your emotionality? Oh, that's different how? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
healinginnyc81 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 hey dave, trust me you dont want to do it. read what happened to me: i did exactly what you were thinking of doing: I called my ex about once a week after the breakup to see what I did wrong, how I could improve not only in relationships but in general. Although she acted really nice about it, the things she said were very harsh. Every time I talked to her she had a completely new list of reasons for why she broke up with me. I realized that she was convincing herself that she did the best thing and that we were wrong for each other - she was nitpicking my faults. She left me for another guy but she never once mentioned that, in fact one of her reasons for the break was that she wanted to be single, free and independent while she finished college. She said she couldn't handle a relationship. She said she wanted to be able to go out with her friends more often. Those were her reasons when we first broke up and the first time I talked to her after that. Then the reasons shifted to being that the relationship was no good. "We depress each other. We were a bad influence on each other." The last two times I talked to her the reasons had shifted to being all my fault. "You're not spontaneous enough. You didn't take charge enough(although while we were together that was one of the best qualities about me she thought). You have a lot of potential but I feel you're heading towards becoming a waste of potential(I'm going to grad school in august and then i have a job in new york). You don't appreciate my 'dorky' side. You try too hard to make friends. You shouldn't depend on someone else for your happiness." The only thing that I agree with is that i did try too hard to make friends but i have been overcoming that for a while. I guess I also was depending on her for happiness. But my point is that the reasons kept changing. When I saw her with her new guy I called her a liar and a cheat and said I couldn't believe her of all people would do this to me. She told me that this new guy made her happy and that they had a "humor click". That's the last time I've approached her to talk. She was protecting herself. There's no more "us" so her primary goal is to protect her name and not feel guilty, maybe after she accomplishes that she also wants to help me out, but that's not as important. You will be much better off trying to focus on your own life and fighting the thoughts that make you worry about what she thinks. Good luck, dave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 I think most of us on here suffer from low self esteem and when someone left us it just caked it on even harder. If I ever found out someone told me lies to make me feel better and ease the pain, i'd be even more devastated when I found out. I even want to call and tell her to tell me the truth because I feel so strongly it was my fault that I think she is lying to me because i'm in a fragile state. She always said it wasn't my fault it wasn't my fault etc. For some reason I don't believe her. Maybe i just have such low self esteem that I can't accept for once that I wasn't that bad. David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 DD, What you are looking for is validation and closure. It's normal and most of us would want the same thing if we were in your position. The fact that you have been emotional at 27 vs. 19 means nothing. There are plenty on here who are older than you and have cried just as hard. I for one cried my eyes out the first night alone in my home after my wife moved out. I was in an empty 4400 sq ft home, the only furniture left behind was my son's mattress to his twin race car bed. I placed it in the center of my room and cried the entire night with only my two dogs as comfort. I was 36 then. I caught her cheating and told her to take whatever she wanted and gave her enough money to get a place of her own. I figured a 1220 sq ft apartment, surely she would leave something behind. My son and her two daughters went with her for the next 3 months until I got a place of my own and put the old house on the market. I wanted to get away from the memories, good and bad they both brought the same pain. You are entering a healing process, don't look for progress every day. It will come in time, trust me. The questions you want answered will only hurt more no matter what the answers are. In this stage you are in, you will find a reason to blame yourself and beat yourself up, don't do it. Stay with NC, it's best. LC (limited contact) reopens the scabs that are trying to protect the soft and sensitive skin below. Just let those things go, you do not need them to move on or heal. We are here to help you understand you pain and get past it. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deejay74 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 in fact one of her reasons for the break was that she wanted to be single, free and independent while she finished college. She said she couldn't handle a relationship. She said she wanted to be able to go out with her friends more often. oh man, why do they always say they don't want to be in a relationship with anyone but then turn around and get into a relationship? what they're saying is "i don't want a relationship with YOU" am i right? i hate that crap. it's not like we're not going to find out eventually, especially if you and the ex are in close proximity to each other or have the same social circles. don't they know it just makes them look like liars? i guess they really don't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 I've kind of adopted the "dont wanna know" philosphy to back up my NC. One reason to stay with the NC is i just don't wanna know. The RC was right. anything we get will hurt. Steer clear yanno? Thats why NC i think is more than just no talking, its no checking their profile, no finding out how they are through friends, NOTHING. I know this is the way I have to do it, thats how borderline I sort of am to a complete nervous breakdown. Thanks David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 DD, I know this is the way I have to do it, thats how borderline I sort of am to a complete nervous breakdown. On the contrary, you've had a BREAKTHROUGH! RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
healinginnyc81 Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 i think it's not so much that the ex was lying about not wanting a relationship. I think it's what she was telling herself. She couldn't admit to herself that she was leaving me for this other guy. Instead she told herself that since she had a crush on him, there must be something wrong with our relationship. Then because of her confusion, trying to figure out what to do and not wanting to tell me how she felt, she was overwhelmed and under pressure like there was this huge weight on her chest. So she just felt like she needed to be free. Once she broke up with me, she was alone and she and her new guy started talking and things went from there. A psychiatrist once told me, "People's capacity for intentional harm is very, very limited. People's capacity for self-deception is virtually unlimited." That's my version of things at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diggitydave Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Well i guess each situation is unique Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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