Should I leave my wife ?

[Scout]

Ah ha! NJRon, took your suggestion in your PM on how to find the article. Here's the link, and I suggest anyone in a relationship read this. I discovered I was vulnerable to doing some of this stuff in my current relationship if I didn't watch out:

 

Relationship Boredom Can Be Deadly

 

[whatchamacallit]

Well, I just sent a post, but lost it. I'll write a short version.

 

WildChild

 

My kids were elated that I ended the relationship. They do not know however, that I did continue to see him even though visits are declining. Our relationship will NEVER be the same. After the initial "bomb" they didn't discuss my relationship with him with me. I guess it's too painful, plus our family doesn't discuss important issues easily. Always been that way.

 

When he and I lived together, he was constantly with his boys in their baseball practices and games. That left me alone quite a bit and my children didn't come over cause the other party could come home at any time. Yes, I could have gone to the baseball games, but the ex-wife was there and just wouldn't have been enjoyable.

 

Anyway, I would like to have your opinion as to whether I did the right thing by my kids. I did live with him for about a year after the divorce. We continue a "half" relationship without my kids knowledge. We both know it will end someday. Someday soon. He can't live in a "half" relationship. I know that. It was nice for me cause I could have my kids and him when I wanted. Sounds crazy and no way to live!

 

Gotta quit for now!

[WildChild]

Ah ha! NJRon, took your suggestion in your PM on how to find the article. Here's the link, and I suggest anyone in a relationship read this. I discovered I was vulnerable to doing some of this stuff in my current relationship if I didn't watch out:

 

Relationship Boredom Can Be Deadly

 

Kudos It's too bad that not all people see that every marriage/relationship goes through this. Rather than turn to their SO and try to fix it, it is easier to turn to a listening ear of someone else and so begins the affairs. Shame isn't it.

[WildChild]

I don't think you're ending it had anything to do with your kids whachamacallit. It obviously played a big roll in much of your indecisions and struggles, but you realized yourself your relationship with this man wasn't what you thought it would be hence the reason for your original post months back. Not that grown children's opinion shouldn't count, but it makes a hell of a lota difference when the children are still in the home. To be honest, and this is going to be brutal, I think your kids are going to think even less of you because you are still lying to them and someday they will find out you have been. You are not being truthful to them, or their father. If they thought for one second you may go back to your exhusband, how do you think that would make anyone of them feel that you have continued to lie to them? You didn't give up your relationship for your children and you know that. You gave up your relationship because it was all smoke and mirrors. It wasn't how either one of you envisioned it no matter how much you loved one another.

[Scout]

Kudos It's too bad that not all people see that every marriage/relationship goes through this. Rather than turn to their SO and try to fix it, it is easier to turn to a listening ear of someone else and so begins the affairs. Shame isn't it.

 

Well, the problem is most of us could probably do with a solid roadmap of what to expect, at the beginning of the relationship. Most of us are so head over heels in love at the beginning, that we think "This is the one! We'll never have problems!"

 

I have a pretty dismal track record at romantic relationships, so when I met my current boyfriend - who is truly one of the most decent people I have ever met - I started scouring for information on how to make sure your relationship stays healthy, lol.

[Bethany]

You know you have to make a decision. And whatever decision you make, and despite what other peole think, you MUST make that decision from your HEART. Otherwise you won't find the peace of mind or from your inner turmoil and you will end up having a breakdown through you indecision if you are not careful.

 

When you make this decision, it's a decision that you must stick to. There must be NO going back. It will be over, finished and the future wil lie ahead. Write it down somewhere if you must and everytime that anxiety comes over you, go back over your decision and know that you have choosen from your heart and it was the right thing to do so stick to it.

[spunkykatt]

I am going to do my very best to be unbiased here, simply because it would do you no good to tell you what the moral side of me thinks.. That said, I had an affair in my previous marriage, and I understand how things have become blurred for you. The fact in my opinion is that you should not entertain a relationship with either woman. You have been with your wife 14 years, then found yourself in an affair, that alone is enough for you to take some time away from the "whole" situation (both women) and figure out what is indeed best for you and your children. Notice I didnt say for your family, wife, mistress....I just stated you and your children, because ultimately they are the ones who are going to be directly affected by this no matter which direction you go. There is nothing wrong with you getting your life back on track, and that may or may not include one of these women, but in order to do that you have to distance yourself from both. In my honest opinion the best outcome for you and the kids is for you to 1.) Move out of your home, (sorry but your wife needs it for raising the children) and well you did break your vows, so it should be you that gives up certain things here...and move into a small house, apartment, whatever where you can be ALONE in order to work through your OWN issues. You should take this time also to reinforce the bond between you and your kids, they need to know that they are more important than the fighting or other woman. These kinds of situations do affect the kids, and introducing another woman can be detramental to them at this point, not to mention wrong. 2.) Break all contact with S, if she in fact does care about you and wants to be with you then she WILL understand. There is no chance of anything substantial happening with you and her as long as things are the way they are, and you dont need to rush into another relationship with ANYONE at this point. You need to be of clear mind, conscious oh and clear of "marriage" before you should persue things with her. If she is any kind of real woman, she will not want to have a relationship with you as long as your married, living at home with your wife, sleeping with the wife and so forth. You have to make a clear slate in order to have a new life with her. Furthermore she should be more conserned with your children, and how they are going to adapt to her and her new role as instant mommy. You cant force or rush any one of these things, they take time to work out. If you and S truly want to be together, I say go for it, but not at the expense of your childrens welfare. They are completely innocent in this, and you dont have the right to force this on them with no warning. This type of situation makes for some very hostile and dirty game playing, just dont let your children become the ones who get hurt by either of you 3. Also, just so you know, when it comes to divorce and a angry wife, dont give her ammuntion against you....aka...dont move the other woman in, see the other woman, or do anything that may cost you your possibly your kids, job etc. We women do play extremely nasty when we have been made a fool of to say the least, and by all accounts it looks as if your gonna find that out first hand.

[piers]

SpunkyKatt,

 

thanks for the post.

Based on my current thinking we will be doing the following.

My wife and I will go to counselling, ASAP. Things have got dangerously volatile, and I personally believe that moving out to a neutral space would be the best thing, particularly for the children. My wife strongly disagrees at present. We wil have to work on this, but I appreciate the comments about the kids and me, without S or my wife.

 

I believe my wife is afraid that if I move out she will lose her immediate hold on me, the other worry she has is that she won't know what I am doing, and obviously sleeping with S will be the first thing that comes to mind.

 

S and I work fairly closely together, so I can't break 100% from seeing her. I believe we can agree to keep things 100% business. I have no illusions that this will be easy, BUT I am trying to give my marriage a chance, while still keeping my job. I think losing job and house will just make things even worse, there really are very few good employment options here, its not the US.

 

I am being honest with both S and my wife at the moment, even though its probably causing more pain all round.

[whatchamacallit]

WildChild, you are right about smoke in the mirror and "the fog". The guy in my life was VERY influential and persuasive. Which didn't help!

[WildChild]

I think what you are doing is wise. Although every situation is different it is important to know that if you do end up walking away at least you know you tried. Being honest might cause more pain all around for them, but again, if you can't be honest with yourself this cycle may continue. Truthfully find yourself and then you will find the answer. Good luck with everything.

[whatchamacallit]

piers, you are doing the right thing. I wish I had done the same, in retrospect. I'm suffering now for not doing the right thing. Remember, you pick your pain. You may not be able to have the high of romance with your wife, but you substitute love of family and the peace you will have of doing what's right. Too bad you can't change jobs. I will be facing my guy on Monday after no returned calls or text messages so far for two days. Pray for me! I already feel nervous!

[Hope75]

See I come from a different perspective, given that you and S have tried several times in the past to keep it platonic and business only, you have failed at doing so. How do you think you can honestly get past this affair that destroyed your wife's trust in you, respect for you, and your own self respect and trust in your own judgement, if you still see S every day?

 

I don't think it's possible. You say that you are unwilling to compromise your job and where you live, but those very things are what continue to hold you to S.... and if you want an honest shot at working through your marriage, S needs to be removed from your life entirely.

 

This means finding another job, possibly in another location. You created a marriage 14 years ago when you took vows to love and honor your wife. Next you both created children, and were then bound to your family. You have a moral obligation to this family, your wife and children, to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that YOU have created by initiating this affair with S, and that also means giving up things that may be dear to you, as in your present home, location and job.

 

It may not be ideal for you, but how idea was it for your wife to find out that her husband, father of her 3 children, was sleeping with another women and putting more energy into infidelity than into saving their marriage?

 

How much effort could you honestly have been making to fix the marriage when you would not stay away from S for more than 36 hours?

 

 

Why do I prefer S, I do think its the chemistry of a new relationship that heightens my attraction. BUT Mostly its her energy, and yes I know kids kill that, but she has more than my wife ever had, and is into the same sports I am, we have spent a lot of time together in the mountains.

Your wife can't even compete with this because she is at home desperately trying to raise 3 children while her husband is out philandering in the mountains with his childless girlfriend. Of course you feel passionate for S, the relationship is new and as others have said, thrives on secrecy and lack of responsibility. How easy for you to forget your obligations when you live in this fantasy world with S where you are not married, she and you do not share children, finances, responsibilities of a home and family.

 

Amazing how all of those things, coupled with the fact that your spouse is cheating, can kill your energy.

[egirl2005]

Piers:

 

I am your wife so to speak. My husband of 13 years had an affair at work and we have one child. For the last year (almost to the day he told me) he has been going back and forth not knowing what he wants and with each call, each time he sees her, he has killed a little more of my love. At the moment I am trying too save my marriage only for my son's sake. Like you not everything was perfect but we were happy, even he admits this and like you he doesn't know why he did it.

 

Like you my husband loves his job and is in a specialized field. If he leaves it would be a large change in life style for us, funny how know matter what happen's my son and I suffer, but the other woman doesn't!

 

I know you didn't say this but it is the impression I received. While you know your wife has REASON to ask you to leave your job, you don't believe she has the RIGHT too ask you to leave your job and change your life. What you have to remember is that your wife is not telling you that you have to leave your job, she is telling you what she can live with in the circumstances YOU have created. We are all intelligent people and I know studies show that most affairs happen in the work place but the old saying still applies. (Pardon my language) Don't S*** where you Eat, Don't F*** where you Work!!

 

You choose to jeporadize your wife, your kids AND your job and now you don't want to have to give up anything. Do you think your wife would want you to leave your job if you were having an affair with someone you met in a bar and didn't work with? (Okay maybe in your case she would because it sounds like your job has been an issue, but you get my point).

 

Everyday I sit in my office and wonder if my husband is talking too her, smiling at her, flirting with her, going to lunch or a hotel with her. I have choosen not too push the job changing issue until I am sure of what I want but his not being willing to sacrifice after the pain he has caused tells me a lot. Like you my husband has proven that he is too weak to stay away from this woman (his words) so why should your wife feels safe and loved with you working with her.

 

I'm not here to tell you to stay with your wife and kids and make it work or that forgetting about S will be easy or even that you shouldn't give things with S a try, but I am telling you this; it's easy to SAY your sorry but hard to prove it and putting ultimatum's on what you are willing to do, i.e. quit your job, move, go into couselling, give up S, sleep in the spare bedroom etc. is defeating yourself before you even start.

 

Now I have something to say to all the people who have posted. Good Job your advice is sound and I thank you for all the times you have helped me as well. That said I only disagree on one thing, well maybe more. One of the posters said maybe he wasn't getting the emotional support he needed, another said that this wouldn't of happened if there weren't problems before hand. I don't believe this is true in all cases maybe his but not all.

 

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants out of life and because he doesn't know what he want nothing will satisfy him for long no matter what she does. Maybe he is selfish with an ingrained belief that he is entitled to whatever makes him happy in the moment and his wife has recognized this but chooses to live with it because she loves him and it's part of who he is.

 

He himself wrote that he thought of leaving because his wife had issues with his job. Well it's 5 years later and he's still in the same job, sounds too me like she has sacrificed some of the things she wants for their marriage and children as well, not only a hobby.

 

I know people are not justifying what he did, I understand that but by saying maybe he wasn't getting what he needed, we do justify it! Maybe he wasn't giving her what she needed either, did she go out and have an affair? No, she sucked it up and made the best of it and was the stronger person.

 

People who have affair need to stop feeling sorry for themselves, I understand you have disappointed everyone, including yourselves, I understand that it is hard to give up the other person or your family. I get it!! Now bit the bullet and do what it takes to become a better person in whatever situation you choose to enter. Don't go around feeling sorry for yourselves, do whatever it takes in whatever situation you are in to make the people you care about feel loved, safe, and understood. You may be surprised, that what you give out will be returned to you, especially in marriage!

[trashy]

Once your wife knows, you have to pick one or the other. You must either internally resolve to work it out with the wife, at which point your status as co-worker w/ the OW won't be so much of a problem, or resolve to divorce your wife and make a go of it with the OW. It sucks, but that's what happens when you try to rigidly enforce monogamy on homo sapiens.

[BellaDonna]

egirl2005,

 

It's great to see your perspective on this, seeing that you'd lived it as the "wife".

 

I must say- hypothetically if this situation ever happened to me- I do think that I would give my husband the ultimatum that either he find another job or forget even trying work it out. Even if you ultimately resolve the issue in the marriage and the trust is re-established- I could not imagine him going to work every day and being in the same vicinity of the woman who he had sex with while married to me. It's just disrespectful. I don't think I could start on a clean slate or forgive -if my husband if he was still in the tainted environment around the OW. I think he'd either need to find another job or find another wife.

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[MeHim]

IMO-

 

You cheated on her, and now your feeling pity on her and debating on staying with her for that reason ONLY.

 

You say you love her, but you could not hurt someone you love. I just don't believe you could.

 

S seems like quite the Gal, sleeping with a married man, or hell even kissing one.

 

I am so much above all of that immature BS. I have no respect for people who are liers, cheaters, stealers or don't care for others feelings and once more.. have someone feel safe and secure and basically laugh in their face.

 

Your not a man.

 

At least not any one I would associate with.

 

As a final edition. I'd like to add

Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

There's no second chance for anyone I expect to be with.

[Scout]

egirl, I am surprised at the level of calm and objectiveness you were able to convey in your post, considering you are basically experiencing this same dreadful situation. Based on what I've read, your husband has to be one of the luckiest men alive. I can't say I feel he deserves you, either.

 

Do you mind if I ask if you have ever confronted the other woman? I am afraid of what I would have done if I was in your situation, especially if she continued to see your husband after knowing that you knew and he promised to cut it off.

[piers]

I am grateful for your perspective, egirl, and its very similar to what my wife is saying. She cannot give me much more time, because her love and respect for me are being chipped away each day. I understand that.

 

Its also clear that you are a similar age to us, and probably state of life to us.

In my twenties I believed in absolutes. At 25 I had never cheated on anyone, and I continued for 14 years in the same way. Now I have, I UNDERSTAND why its forbidden by almost every moral code.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[Shadows Light]

I think you are making the right decision Piers... Shut the door on S.. completely. And maybe take a HUGE time out to re-group.

 

Have you and your wife talked about marriage counseling??

It might help to re-establish the ground rules again. Because

the rules and Boundaries will change for a while.

 

I just wanted to give you a {{{CYBER - HUG}}}} and tell you that

I truly hope all turns out well for you. Nope.. grin, I'm not going to judge

or cast stones.. did that at one time and then fell into my own pew.

I'd like to think that people run into snafu's such as yours for a reason...

they need the learning. Make sure you learn from it though... and make things BETTER !! Grin.

[piers]

Its a few months on. At least one thing is sorted, I am no longer interested in the person I had an affair with. It was less enduring than my love for my wife, but it sure didn't seem so at the time.

 

We are now on a slow and painful, (mainly for my wife), road to recovery. Hence; thanks to the majority of you who said stick with her, you were dead right.

[Scout]

piers, it's so nice when people come back to update on their situations. Really appreciate you doing so, I remember this thread well, and how open you were to all of the feedback (and some of it was hard to hear, I know).

 

Despite what has happened, you and your wife clearly value your marriage and I do believe that with couples counseling, perhaps some joint spiritual searching (don't know if you go to church or not, or if you're religious - if so, I suggest really praying to God to take this in His hands and guide you and your wife through the challenging times ahead), and a commitment to viewing this as an opportunity for a fresh start can get you both through this.

 

I truly wish you & your family the best of luck. You're not the first couple to survive an affair, by far. It's very encouraging to hear you two are going to put your efforts together to fix this and to move on to perhaps an even better, more rewarding relationship than before.

[Lebensraum]

As a male I read this entire post with some sympathy for Piers. Until I came to his very last post. We went through all his indecisions and nightmares until after only a couple of months we get 'At least one thing is sorted, I am no longer interested in the person I had an affair with'

 

Are you serious?

 

This love of your life, this ultimate passion?, this wonderful woman who understood you was ditched after only a couple of months?

 

What I can't get my mind around is how this fly-by-night relationship was classed as the be-all and end-all?

I can understand that passion can blind you, but a couple of months?

 

I think you've got problems, and if you were so easily led astray by someone who obviously wasn't even close to being right for you, you'll be in the same situation in no time at all.

[Rabican]

Pick whichever one you are gonna pick and then let the other go completely. If you decide to stay with your wife you MUST never ever ever see, speak to, have sex with 'S' ever again. If that means you sell your house and move to another state then thats what you do. I think you have proven you cant be just friends with this other girl.... so dont pretend that you can. Further it would just be torture for your wife to know that you still worked with this other girl... shes always gonna be wondering whats going on even if you drop the other girl.

 

If you leave the wife... expect the other girl to eventually wonder when you are gonna start cheating on her next. I dont think that situation would ever work long term... but I could be wrong.

[Ruh_Roh]

That's a sad tale. I think you might have screwed up.

[ben116]

Dear Pier,

Good luck on getting so many answers!! with most I totaly disagree!

 

I am in a similar situation AND I AM LOVING IT!!! Sure you have guilt, sure you (and others) are crying sometimes but who said life (and love) should be perfect??

Get rid of that need to be ONLY with one of them and go on with your life. I have a lover and since we got together I feel so much better (phisically and spiritually) that I wish my wife would get one herself (no kidding....and really and trully love her!).

Good luck!

 

PS whould be interesting to get an update from u but u don't have to.