How to keep yourself from getting attached?

[Kevin T]

I'll try and keep it short...

 

Basically, my whole relationship experience can be summed up in one main theme: I meet someone (whether or not they like me is irrelevant) and I become extremely attached. I can't even count on both hands how many times this has happened. I get really attached to someone I barely know. It's pointless, especially given that I am not dating the person or have just started dating the person.

 

So, my question is: how do you keep yourself from getting attached? I hate to admit it, but being a really sensitive, sappy romantic guy, I tend to let my heart get attached way before it should. It causes me nothing but grief, heartache and trouble. It has never ONCE played to my advantage. I hate it and would love to hear some advice on how to be rid of this nuisance.

 

Thanks guys.

[Alabama]

You're not alone, I'm dealing with the same problem. Whenever I think I like someone, even though it's just infatuation, I just try to think of something and concentrate my mind. Granted this is a temporary solution, but it's worked rather well I would say, but it definetly helps get me throug the day.

[renaissancewoman101]

Kevin T, I can really understand you feel. I get like that too and it is such an annoying thing. It is like I can get attached to a person just after meeting them. It is a pain to deal with because sometimes things dont pan out, or I send off vibes to people that they read wrong, when I am only looking for a friendship, etc. As I result, I get let down, hurt, or the person gets scared away from me, when I didnt mean anything by it. That is one reason why I dont go out and date a lot. I hate meeting someone and thinking that something can come from it, and then I dont hear from them again.

 

In order to deal with my problems with that, I have developed an increasingly cynical attitude towards myself and people. I tend to see people as after something from me, so I am less likely to trust people. I also try not give myself any hope after meeting with someone. Sometimes, after I meet up with someone whom I may like as a friend, potential date, I will smash any sense of attachment feelings that I may feel towards them, by saying, "oh, I dont think they liked me, I wasnt dressed right, I acted weird, etc". I do that as a defense mechanism from getting attached to people since I hate being hurt.

 

I also dont open up to people real easily. I am friendly, nice and open to a certain point when I meet someone, but it takes A LONG time before I will open up. I dont think I ever REALLY opened up to my current ex. The only person I truly let into how I feel, how I am, etc. was my best friend and he is the only person I trust right now.

[Kevin T]

Unfortunately with me, it tends to become more than an infatuation. It may start out as that (even though I generally will like them as a person as well as on the outside), but I dwell on these people for months. And then when it doesn't work out (i.e. they are taken/they don't like me/I discover something about them I dislike), I get really hurt. It's so stupid because for months I play around with the idea of us being together, yet when it actually comes time for the rubber to hit the road, it always ends in failure.

 

But it's good to know I'm not the only one. Thanks, bud. I do try to keep busy with school and hobbies... but it's also hard, especially at school (hundreds of constant reminders of my problem) or when I'm at home I get really depressed because I sit and think about it. I think way too much... and that's one of my biggest problems, being an introvert and all.

 

That's rough. I don't want to abandon hope. I try to be positive... but at times like these, it's very hard to be. I don't want to become too hard on myself and push others away, but I suppose that is one way of dealing with this problem.

[renaissancewoman101]

Kevin T, I dont like to abandon hope either, but it has come down to either me being hurt or disappointed and my self-esteem taking a beating or me taking the proactive approach and looking at life as being half-empty so that if something comes out of it, it is something good, and if nothing comes out of it, then oh well, that was what was gonna happen anyways.

 

I also have a bad habit of running everything by my best friend. When I first went after my ex and he reciprocated and I started falling for him, I would tell my best friend about him and get his unbiased opinion about him and the situation. I then had my best friend meet the now ex, in a friendly environment, and evaluate him and his intentions, for me.

 

I know, I should not do stuff like that, but it helps keep me from getting too hurt.

[atraceofblood]

Kevin, I'm really surprised to find that there is another human being on the planet that is actually somewhat similar to me!

 

haha I infatuate WAYYYYYYY too much, and I have yet to succeed with them, but I still have hope.

 

I usually see a girl that's really cute, and fits all my tastes not just by their looks, but by also how they act and stuff. Then if they somehow show signs of interest such as eye contact or smiles and I see them often, then I start to infatuate. After a bit of time, I am in full infatuation and there's nothing else I'd like to think about, then being with the girl.

 

Right now I am infatuated with a girl. At first I told myself I would not get infatuated, but somehow I did and now I have to go with the flow and see what happens. I always hope though, no matter what. If I fall, I get back up and keep my head up. That's all I've been doing so far my entire life.

 

So yeah, I can only say that keep your head and hopes up.

[Kevin T]

I admire your persistence. It's to be commended.

 

It's sad and definitely pathetic, but I think my best relationship was my first. I was engaged at the age of 19/20, though it didn't work out, as of this day, it is STILL my most successful and best relationship. I'm thinking it may well continue to be until I get to be the age of the guy in my avatar.

[atraceofblood]

I admire your persistence. It's to be commended.

 

It's sad and definitely pathetic, but I think my best relationship was my first. I was engaged at the age of 19/20, though it didn't work out, as of this day, it is STILL my most successful and best relationship. I'm thinking it may well continue to be until I get to be the age of the guy in my avatar.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship. I'm not sure what else to say as I'm on the verge of rejection again.

 

I just think it would be cool for you to keep your mind focused on the positive things in life and to keep your hopes up.

[eddie500]

I don´t think there is anything you can do about it.. its just how your wired.. so just accepting it is the only workable solution.

[eddie500]

I was thinking more about this problem of yours. What I´d bet is that your probably a lonely person. I´d say (not knowing you) that you probably don´t date a lot and have many good friends, so its easy for you to get attached to who ever walks into your life or shows you any interest.

Even after all these years your best relationship was the girl you were engaged to at 19 years old.

 

The best way for you to get over it is to start dating more and start making better and more friends with people. When you have girlfriends and good friends you won´t become so attached to anyone who shows you any interest.

 

This is all assumptions that I write here, so let me hear if any of these assumptions are true or what you think.

[mystik]

Don't worry Kevin, it's completely normal!! It isn't only lonely people or people who don't date who become attached easily - extroverts and very social people can feel that way too. I have a good group of friends, we date (other people), we go out all the time, clubbing, barhopping, camping, etc...I don't consider myself lonely and neither do my friends. YET, I know a few of them who get infatuated easily, myself included. It used to hurt, or I would get let down easily...but I think it's just how you look at it. You can't help what you feel, so it's what you DO about what you feel. Once you realize that you do get attached easily, it's a good thing because then, even if you infatuate or obsess, in the back of your mind you have to think "Hey, I get attached easily...so it's not necessarily that this person is 'perfect' or that 'we're meant to be'...I'm feeling this way because well...I always do, regardless of the person." Also, when things don't work out, maybe try to 'unattach' yourself just as easily. You know you can fall for someone else easily, so do so...move on quickly and just keep dating until it DOES work out! Just as long as you realize it's more likely lust, than love, I think you're okay.