Best friend... please reply

[Stinkweed]

Few people are priviledged enough to have friend who stands by them even when they're in the worst of trouble. These friends are what I like to call best friends. And I have a best friend who is a girl. But this year things have changed. I mean, we've known each other for about 2 years now.

 

The first half of the first year we weren't best friends yet. I mean, yes we joked a lot, and talked a lot, and got along really well. But still we weren't the kind of friends you'd entrust a secret to. That is what we became the second half of the year. We became grew closer. I never felt any attraction towards her, and I seriously doubt she's ever felt attraction towards me (besides, she even has a boyfriend). So it's entirely platonic, I think.

 

So, then the first half of this second year, she was acting very weird, to the point that I thought "So much for being best friends". And at first I did feel affected, and I even felt pretty down about it... Then we gradually went back to what we used to be the 2nd half of the first year, except sometimes she'd disappear and she wouldn't say anything and then come up with some explanation (whether she was being honest or not, I'll never know). I stopped caring about this, cause I mean, it's not me who she should be doing the explaining to... I'm not her boyfriend. But this happened only a couple of time.

 

Then, we got to the 2nd half of the 2nd year (present). I don't see her that often, and I guess this time I accepted it. I've had to grow a little bit closer to some of my other friends, who I see more often now, yet I think I've grown a little appart from her. She went missing for a couple of weeks (she told me she sprained her ankle, which is true, cause I saw her with crutches the day she came back). But in the meanwhile, I made new friends, and stuff (not that they'll replace her though). And I guess I have many new problems to tend to, that I didn't have before. And well, everybody thinks we're dating, and I never cared about it, but after all these people seeing me single during valentine's day... I dunno why, but it even felt good for some reason. And I guess the thing is that now she's kinda behaving like she would if she were my girlfriend, and, I mean. She has been kinda sick lately, and she says her friends left her, so I try to hang out with her, and stuff, but at times, my mind flies away... I don't wanna be all mean to her. Like sometimes she wants to hang out with me more than I'd like to. And there are just times I don't feel like talking to anyone...

 

I dunno if I'm right to feel this way and she's being kinda clingy, or if I'm taking our friendship for granted or something... But I guess all I want is some input: Should I bring this up? Should I just wait and see what happens and maybe things will go back to normal?

[Alabama]

I suggest just see things go from here. You've obviousely been through a lot with a rollercoaster of emotion wondering if you are just friends with this girl. Does she still have a boyfriend? If she does, then just let things be. If not then take some more time to think about this and think and see if she feels the same way about you. Good luck.

[Stinkweed]

I'm not interested in more than a friendship with her... And yes, she still has a boyfriend.

[Pips Estella]

I read your post and *had* to reply. It reminded me so much of a situation I have been in. Before I go on, I totally respect that there may be major differences in what happened to me and what is happening to you, so my advice won't apply. Nevertheless, I'll make a start.

 

I had a best friend who was male, at the same time as having a boyfriend. The problem was, I had stronger feelings for my best friend than my boyfriend. Why wasn't I dating my best friend? Because he didn't ever give me any signs of wanting that sort of a relationship. But my boyfriend *did* and as I cared a hell of a lot about him, I remained with him.

 

But, the point is, being with my boyfriend DID NOT stop my feelings for my best friend. Whenever I would see my best friend, or speak to him, I would get *very* clingy, not wanting to hang up the phone, or say goodbyes. I felt a little guilty that I didn't feel this way towards my boyfriend, but I tried not to think about it.

 

To cut a long story short, I no longer talk to my best friend. I have tried to cut him out of my life. It sounds harsh, but why? Because I'll never stop wanting to be with him, but he will never want to be with me. And although my boyfriend doesn't *say* anything, he notices my changes of behaviour around my best friend - he sees that there's feeling there, and it hurts him. So no contact with my best friend seems the best way forward. It hurts like hell, but we've tried to be friends and yet my feelings for him just get in the way and make me sad.

 

Sure, I do not know whether your friend has strong feelings for you like I had for my own best friend. But *if* that turns out to be the case, and you DON'T want to date her, tell her straight, otherwise she'll spent a lot of time waiting for you, hurting herself and her boyfriend.

[striderhiryu81]

Hey Dead Eyes, it has been a long time since I've been here. Hope you are well.

 

About this situation, it is somewhat like what I have been going through lately and I really can't figure it out either.

 

Are you sure that this is even something that you need to really worry about? I ask that because she canot force you to spend time with her if you are not able to (oor just don't feel like it). I guess if it is just a friendship then all you can do and should do is be open and honest. It's very important if you want to continue having a good friendship that you are honest. Don't be mean or confrontational, just let her know when you are feeling pressured to spend too much time to her how you are feeling. One way of breaking it to her that you really only want to be friends (she has a boyfriend so I don't think this is the issue, but according to the above post, it's still possible) is when she calls you and asks you to spend time with her, maybe you could say "you are a great friend and all but right now I just feel like spending some time alone...I have a lot on my mind" or something like that. You are not directly accusing her of trying to be more than friends and you are also letting her know what is going on with you at the moment so she knows not to get too close at that time.

 

Use your judgement on how to talk to her...this is just a suggestion. You probably don't want to upset her and sever your friendship. I hope this helps.

[becallamjr]

All relationships in your life are roller coaster rides. I say just see what happens and take every moment for what it is.